Insecurities / jealousy have caused problems
Hello. I have been with my wife now for 6 years, married for 3. Our relationship as a whole, has been very fulfilling, but I've had issues over the years that are now causing a great deal of problems.
I started dating her when she was 22 and I was 31. I was recently divorced and my daughter had just turned 2 years old. I never handled emotional issues from my 1st marriage appropriately, and carried with me a lot of insecurity, guilt (for the 'baggage' I brought to the new relationship, etc.), and because of this, as I've learned in counseling, began engaging in some bad behavior in the relationship, ie jealousy, insecurity, etc.
I knew over the years I had some issues, but never realized they were so bad, as after a fight or a problem (which 99% of the time were my fault), we made up, and went on being happy. Fast forward to the present:
I've been in counseling for over 4 months now to address these issues, and some depression that I've been dealing with for a year or so. For the past 2 months, I have been as my wife said "the ideal husband." However, we've had some big changes happen recently. My wife started her first "career" type job a few months ago, and has really come into her own, for which I am very proud of her for. During this time, she has started to realize everything that she sacrificed for me over the past 6 years, and all of the heavy things she had to handle because of my issues, from taking on a lot of responsibilities as a stepmom, and more heavily, the issues that my jealousy and insecurities have caused her. She has sacrificed some relationships with her friends, and a lot of time socializing and being herself in her early-mid 20's to "keep me happy."
Needless to say, she is feeling a great deal of resentment toward me right now, and is blaming herself for a lot of the problems. She has scheduled an appointment with a counselor, but it's still 6 weeks away.
I'm taking full responsibility for the issues - I'm looking for assistance in any way to help her through the process, or anything that I can do or say. My actions have been good, and I'm continuing to grow. I will be sure that my past issues stay in the past, and I pray that it's not too late. I know I'm not the person who will be able to help her with these issues, as I'm the one that created them, but if there's any advice or words of support you could offer, it would be greatly appreciated. The thought of losing her is a terrible one, and she is really my heart and soul, a wonderful wife and stepmother.
In counseling, she will be able to "vent" in a safe place and will be able to express her anger, frustration, etc. from the past.
This is much like what happens when a spouse stops drinking and the other spouse gets to list all things that they and the family went thru during the drinking years.
So - let her get it out. Let her vent.
Ask your counselor for help in reminding her that you are willing to take responsibility for those past behaviors but you are working on making amends for them.
She will have to decide whether or not she is going to forgive and put things in the past OR that she is going to now fly away, something she has always wanted to do and is now strong enough to make it happen.
Thank you for your comment. As difficult of a time as this is, there's a part of me that is happy that we're going through it, as it's something that needs to happen in order to move forward. I take a little comfort in knowing she is willing to get counseling, as it shows me she's willing to work to get passed things, and try to forgive. The problems of the past would go away today if she got up and left, and she's not doing that.
We are not fighting or arguing now, we're just dealing with some serious issues. Praying for the future!
"as it shows me she's willing to work to get passed things, and try to forgive"
That may be what YOU think, but, please, let HER express that. You may be shocked or pleasantly surprised in counseling, but at least SHE will tell you what is in HER head, not what you want.