Online dating infatuation
So, I started online dating a few months ago to see what was out there. After about a month of unsuccessful interactions, I got a response from a guy I was interested in who had just subscribed. We exchanged numbers pretty quickly and, although he said he wanted to talk and meet pretty quickly, we mainly just texted, which resulted in me ending communication out of frustration.
About a week later, I initiated communication again after a bit of drinking and feeling bold. We picked back up, seeming to hit it off again, but still never talked on the phone or met. This led to him breaking off communication after a very snarky (but supposedly fun) text exchange we had one afternoon.
It's been about a month since we've talked and although I occasionally creep on his dating profile, I haven't contacted him again, even though I want to. I figure, if he was interested, I'd hear from him, right? Well, on those creeper days that I have, I noticed that he updated his profile with references to things that happened in our interactions. Petty, I know, but it makes me think that he was at least somewhat effected by our interactions, which makes me want to contact him again, meet, and see if there really is something there. Although we never talked on the phone, our humor was really complimentary and I did feel a connection; one that I have yet to find with others who I have talked to or met.
My question is, am I just having wishful thinking? Should I just drop it because he clearly isn't interested? Should I contact him if I'm really interested in something serious? Am I just being a crazy person because I feel like a crazy person! Lol
I can't say if his referencing your interactions is a sign he's interested in you. However, it seems pretty clear you are interested in him, and that's all that matters right now.
The beauty of online dating sites, is there's no downside to being completely upfront with how you feel. If you met this guy at work, told him you wanted to go out on a date with him, and he said he wasn't interested, it might suck because you'd have to see him (and potentially interact with him) afterwards. On a dating site, you put it out there, and either he goes for it or he doesn't, and you don't ever have to deal with him again.
As you are interested, you should say so. And if he's onboard with you, stop with the online chit-chat. Setup an in-person date (sooner, rather than later) and talk face to face. You'll be glad you did.
Wow, thank you for your advice moth247. Yes, it is true that I want to contact him. My hesitancy is more related to the fact that we've already communicated before and it didn't end well, with my last message including a "won't contact you again" statement. I guess I just feel like I'd be coming off as desperate or look dumb for doing it. With these things being in my mind, do you think I should still go for it? I know if it turns out badly, I can just move on, so that's good.
Should you - YOU - contact him?...AGAIN? No downside to being completely up-front with how you feel? Good grief!
I know in this day and age, what with women everywhere having for so long now been primed to be aggressive hunters in the workplace (fine...especially for the Treasury - ker-ching, ker-ching!), including letting it spill out into other arenas, you feel at liberty to play Hunter in the romantic one, but - news for you: NOT fine! Own goal, in fact.
The mental wiring that facilitates pairbonding success or not of the entire dance from 'Shall we?' to 'I do' (AND beyond) is still dictated by some very primitive, exceptionally stubborn, programmed-in sets of expectations. It's the MALE that's supposed to chase and woo and capture the female (thereafter becoming almost equal sharesies...note I said, almost). And then you gals wonder why these men end up acting emasculated and moving on to the next 'target' (your case, SUNNYDAIYE, taking any useful tips and pointers with them).
Julia Roberts is not the one who (art imitating life) shimmies up Richard Gere's emergency stairway. Other way 'round. Think how stupid (*and* disrespected) he'd have felt had it been her.
Flutter your eyelashes/drop your hankie and then give the bloke the floor (and then judge and respond encouragingly or discouragingly, but always as ladylike-ly as possible, to every step of every performance like you're 'Simone' Cowell and he an auditionee (which, actually, he is)). It's VERY important for you, as well as for him, that he get to show you what he's made of and thereby impress (literally) the pants off of you...reason being - it all has *crucial* applicational/operable importance for later on (i.e. once you sprog *and* once you hit old age frailty).
Without even realising, you're subverting the base programme. Yes, it's POSSIBLE to pairbond under these warped and contrived conditions. But it never tends to end well. You either end up hating his guts yet staying put out of 'miserable comfortable-ness', for being a limp lettuce type of husband during all times when you're needing a ROCK (and him resenting you for being a 'nagging harpy'), or divorcing him the minute the kids have flown the nest or sooner. And/or vice-versa. You're giving into erroneous (mostly advertising and media based) pressure, thereby creating needless rods for your own backs or coming away empty handed.
Men don't feel that masculine unless there's an ever-present contrast, this case - A LADY PRESENT. Be feminine. Psychologically (soft but firm, non-egotistical) *and* physically (squidgy, curvy bits - as opposite to Male-like as you can get...mainly only little boys don't find big bums, squidgy tums and love-handles a huge turn-on). If you're too much on the masculine side you end up making him feel, WHAT NOW? And then neither of you even have the faintest idea WHY you find yourselves going off one another. You 'just do'.
Fluttering the lashes: just look at his profile.... then wait three minutes...and look again. If the site has a 'who's viewed me' gallery/facility, he'll see you're interested or at least curious and - if he's fit for the lifelong 'see it, want it, grab for it' job - do the rest. (When a guy is interested in the full sense of the word, a woman can't keep him OFF her!...hence we have anti-stalking and -harrassment laws, funny that.) If he doesn't respond to those first and second 'looks', wait a day or two and look a third time. If he doesn't get the hint at that point, he's a picnic short of a picnic or you're not his type or he's just not ready for a relationship (and possibly just looking for notches on his bedpost).
This guy wasn't interested enough and/or was but was quickly put off by being chased/hunted (she Tarzan, me Jane - ew). Or he had already long been trained by exes and other females into limp lettuce-leaf-dom and you didn't like it (and he didn't like you not liking it and/or how you dealt with that frustration).
My point is this: you have a very powerful, female-type tool in your toolbelt but you're not even using it. Even if he had literally only just come through the door of that there sweet shop thus technically considered himself unready to choose which out of the hundreds of sweeties sat 'looking at him' he wanted to buy - had you been more coyly conquettish thus "refreshing" (- well worn male quote in this circumstance) - you could have had the chance to INDIRECTLY (subconsciously) woo him more interested, to the point of taking more proactive, more 'aggressive' action in your direction and then ending up hooked on how super-masculine he felt around you.
Next tip: if a bloke winks, wink back, DON'T MAIL (no work = no perk). If he winks back, you wink back again ("oh, no, you don't, pal - I'm not doing your job for you as well as my own"). If he mails, DON'T send back a response that's however much lengthier than his or that reveals everything there is to know about you. Key words: intrigue + challenge (at that early stage, certainly). Think mental Strip-Tease. Men are EXPLORERS as well as hunters.
He initiates, you respond. Berbom. Once you're Steadies, THEN you can initiate (but still keep it to roughly a third of his own efforts). Once the pair of you are firmly established as a couple and even talking marriage, then is when you can both tacitly or otherwise start customising your dynamic and swapping or sharing gender roles.
Hi Soulmate, thank you for your reply. If I understand what you're saying, then you're recommending that I do not initiate communication again and just see what happens with the more subtle approaches to getting his attention? I had actually looked at his profile before and it did not get his attention, so I guess that should have been my sign. I took the advice to contact him and see what happens and it also did not get a response. For me, that's it. He's clearly no longer interested and I can let it go. It obviously was not meant to be. Thank you bother for your responses, though!
('Scuse the delay)
Yes to no initiating contact, no to trying any more approaches, even subtle ones, and yes to your end statement 'can let it go/not meant to be'.
New mantra: "When a man is truly interested in you [and doesn't have issues to inhibit natural, moreover honest expressivity], you can't keep the ugger OFF you!"
Tip: try speed-dating or just being out and about and frequenting the usual mating grounds more. If first contact can feature chemistry and it's to a high degree (powerful enough to last decades or a lifetime), *it'll* do everything *for* you both, all by itself, with things just unfolding and evolving naturally.
Feel free to pick up this thread again any time you think you need it.