Wife wanting friendship outside of marriage
Hi everyone, this is my first post, so bear with me.
I'm in my late 20s and been married to my husband for 5 years, together for 10 years. We've been trying for a baby since last fall and it's just not in our cards right now and it's getting really frustrating. All my friends around me are on their 2nd kid now and I've only wanted to have a baby since I was 4 years old. Other little girls dreamed of weddings, I dreamt about babies! Especially my husband's now.
For whatever reason though, I've been wanting to talk to other men and am attracted to other men a lot more so because of baby fever and whatnot. I would never, ever cheat on my husband though. I think it's just the factor that I've been with him for so long now and he's my best friend. And we're starting to run out of things to talk about. Besides the usual how was work, what'd you do today, etc. I have a few girl friends in town but they all have kids but not who I really want to talk to.
I'm just looking to talk to someone that also wants to have some great company.
And I have no clue how this PM works on mobile! Haha so if anyone wants to teach me that'd be great as well.
Have either one of you had any kind of fertility testing? Before you get men fever I'd suggest you both be tested for fertility. BTW your husband should not only be your best friend but your best lover. Work on your marriage dear.
I tried tracking my ovulating by blood tests with the doctor and did testing kits at home. The home kits were crap and lied. The blood test did have a blip saying I was ovulating. But then again I was on birth control for 9 years straight. We might get him tested this time around or the next time he's home.
I'm suppose to get an ultrasound soon to find out if I have PCOS. I'm hoping I don't have it but then it would all make sense if I do have it.
Oh he definitely is! It's always great and we spice things up every time he's home. Who doesn't like trying to make a baby?
Hei there, all the way from Finland! I was reading ur story and in some cases is similar with mine. We are also trying for a baby but far longer, like 2 years. We have done all the test and the doctor said is just unknown reason for infertility. Now we are at the stage when I do a fertility test every day and after I will undergo insemination. Apparently it takes just 30 min and is quite cheap here. But for a while I feel we don't communicate that well and we are not that close anymore. Maybe is just the stress that makes us "go crazy". I don't know...
2 years? Wow. That's great that it is cheap for you. Super expensive here in Canada or the States.
Yea our communication isn't the best sometimes. The stress is the worst. But I'm doing a bit better! I stopped biting my nails and they're grown out!
I wish you all the best Riana!! Good luck
Premature Ejaculation Alert! (psych version) (...times 2)
Without having pursued your investigations to the hilt, your minds are starting to classify your husbands as non-eligible, siring-capability-wise, hence why your internal eyes (and ears) are starting to wander. I mean - only MIGHT get him tested, CANADIANGAL? If gagging to have a baby were the only issue in play, wouldn't you be wanting to waste no time in establishing his ability or not?
What do you mean, The next time he's home? Does he work away? Is that a more precise Scooby clue as to why you're beginning to entertain the idea of having a relationship with another man?....because, either exclusively or addition to this fertility question-mark, you're feeling neglected? And could that be WHY your mind and body *aren't allowing* you to fall pregnant by a man with whom you're not sufficiently close and harmonious (because it wouldn't be an adequate Welcome Mat for a baby)?
Furthermore, from a bloke's point of view, all that testing and scheduling can prove one heck of a cold shower, sexually-romantically. Question: do you and your husband(s) still have sexual relations for intimacy affirmation and re-cementation purposes?
It may not be medical, in other words.
Food for thought, considering what I've just said basically chimes 100% with Scopes's comments?
He does work away. I'm on the east coast and he works out in the west coast for a couple of weeks and home for a week and a half.
Definitely not a pre-ejaculation problem. Trust me hahaha
Intimacy isn't an issue either but the amount is. He's never around I think when the time is right. So that's been a huge issue.
I'm not looking for a relationship with another man. Just talk. Idk why but I feel like if I can talk to anyone man I might be able to get my emotions that have been bottled up for a while.
Maybe I do feel neglected. Even when he's home, he's not really there sometimes. I want to go out and have fun and he wants to be home because he hasn't been home for so long. And i get that. But I'm stuck here waiting it almost seems.
Hei CANADIANGAL!On the other side, try to see the half full of the glass...I mean, other couples struggle with routine and the fact they see each other every single minute. And sometimes we do feel neglected when we don't get as much attention as we want, or better say confirmation that the partner still loves us and still enjoys the time with us. I think the lack of confirmation makes us assume some thinks...cos women mind goes cokoo:-) And from what u say, he does want to be home with u. If u want to have fun, then maybe u don't want to spend time with him. So look inside ur heart and see what it tells u next time u are together.
Fourteen days off, 9/10 days on. Not, therefore, enough quantity of intimacy. And even when intimacy should be available, it's not forthcoming. 'Huge issue'. Hmmm... I'm sure it is. Certainly if naturally you're more a dog (people/pack person) than a cat ("I vant to be a-lon").
Question: Did you sign up for that set-up, is that what was originally 'advertised' or was it a 'moving of the goalposts' at whatever point post-marrying?
"I'm not looking for a relationship with another man. Just talk. Idk why but I feel like if I can talk to anyone man I might be able to get my emotions that have been bottled up for a while."
Okay - sensible plan. So what you're saying, then, is this is a PREVENTATIVE course of action? What, therefore, would you do if forums didn't exist? Where's your best friend or mum or sibling(s), in other words?
Maybe you do feel neglected? Well - twice stated equals YES, YOU DO. Is your husband aware you feel like this?
Question: if he's not really there, where is he do you suppose? Can you tell? I.e. is he constantly in his study on his computer or outside doing gardening and the like?
What if he got to enjoy being in the homestead and (win/win) you brought people IN? Lunch or dinner parties...barbeques...film nights...that sort of thing?
Raina....you couldn't have shed anymore light to my situation! I'm seeing him tonight so I'll work on it this week with him!
Soulmate....I'm actually good for just a one a month thing and I'm fine haha more than that is a bonus!
I definitely didn't sign up for having our long distance relationship to continue when I moved my life up to Canada 5 years ago. I moved and a year later he started working out west.
I've talked with my best friends but they either don't have the time anymore because of kids and I really don't want to talk to my mother about this. It just seems weird to talk to her about it. And definitely not talking to my brother the man whore hahaha
I've brought up that I don't feel loved or appreciated by him because he never says anything. He'll day I love you but never shows it. He's not into PDA so hand holding or a kiss doesn't happen often even though I like it a lot.
When I say he's not here, I mean mentally he's not. He's physically in the house but on his phone playing games or on Facebook. Not paying attention to me or the situations going on around him. Just super annoying that I have to compete with a phone.
I've done the party thing. Several times. But getting people to come over is the problem. Too many schedules to deal with.
I appreciate all the tips though!!
Soulmate I knew we'd meet again. Yes all of the above stated is so true. CANADIANGAL yes do have a talk with him. I didn't realize that you were having issues. And tell him that marriage is a two way street. Not about you,not about him,but both of you. Just a serving suggestion.
Thanks Scopes, I'll keep that in mind and everything and see what he does the next week or so. We'll talk more to get the communication going again.
Keep us posted CANADIANGAL. And yes,communication is the key to a good marriage.
(Scopes - yeah, what were the chances - on here of all places? ;-D Nah, seriously - nice to have you back.)
Spent years (presumably) working hard to lure you permanently to him and into his life, only to then decide (presumably unilaterally, considering you dislike it so patently) to effectively split himself into two as leaves you with roughly only 42% of him/a marriage, which total percentage doesn't even include his, your 'husband', being verbally or physically affectionate towards you, nor communicative, nor really, to all intents and purposes, *available* to you/the relationship outside of the time spent on FB and the like... But you do still have sex?
My, he certainly does have the relationship all on his terms, doesn't he. But why would he elect to do that, choose terms that basically halved his relationship with you (as well, placed him thousands of miles away 58% of the time) when clearly that was neither something you wanted and were working towards nor were warned about in the original 'advertisement'? What - allegedly, out of all the thousands of companies and god knows how many job availabilities closer to your abode, the literally only one post he could get was so far from home it effectively kept the relationship the same as or barely significantly better than when it had been long-distance? So what was the point of getting you to up-stix/marrying you? So that he could keep an eye on you, have a better idea of who you were with and what you were doing, despite you couldn't turn around and claim the same?
No wonder you can't get pregnant. Neither would I. (Well, I couldn't, anyway, but, you get my gist.) And neither am I surprised to hear you're left 'looking around' for something or someone to fill in the massive gap of your barely half-met needs. That's needs, not wants. NEEDS.
Tell me, has the thought ever crossed your mind, that if you had his baby it might make him want to do what it took to change this enforced 'Long Distance Phase 2' set-up so that he could be home each night or at least most nights in time to bath the baby, etc.?
I strongly suggest any talking be done in the presence of a counsellor because this set-up and situation of his choosing is not only dissatisfactory for how loaded on one side it is but, IMO, could be said to be quite suspect.
PS: Do you get a nightly "Miss you, sweet dreams" call whenever he's away? Or even just a nightly call?
Yes we do have sex. But it all depends. He may be home at a time frame where I'm ready to go and have sex and other times I'm just not interested. Recently, I'm trying to make sure he's home around the time that would work for us to get pregnant and so far it's been more fun thinking about that. That we could be possibly making a kid together. But nothing successful so far. I'm so used to only having sex 2-3 times a month. If that. :(
This job opportunity landed on his lap 3 1/2 years ago. And it's a great job because he can actually use his skills that he went to school for. Where we live, the province doesn't even recognize his job while as the rest of the country does. It's disgusting that they want them to get these skills and work hard to help save people and yet the province doesn't care to recognize it. So it's not like he PURPOSELY found a job on the other side of the country to get away from me. He's emotional on the phone and says he wants to be home and misses me, but yet when he's home, I might only get 1-2 days of that emotional guy and then he's on his damn phone or computer.
The point of getting me up here so quickly was for us to be married and finally live together. We had been dating for 5 years. We were married for 2 months before I even moved up to Canada to live with him. He did have a job in town where we lived for the first year and a half. But then he got this other job out West. He's not the jealous type to keep tabs on me or anything like that. If he was, I wouldn't be with him. I hate people that are controlling like that.
Yea it's frustrating that just my basic NEEDS of human communication and affection are not being met by my husband. We talk about it and he says he'll change on certain things but I have yet to see a change.
I know that if and when we do have a baby, that he is going to be more open on getting a job closer to home (if he can find out) so he won't be away weeks at a time. He has mentioned that. Our province just started to recognize his job and hopefully he can get a job here once the pilot programs are a success.
I don't get nightly calls because I'm the one who typically does all the calling. Day or night. We do talk as often as we possibly can but because he's so busy and could be with a patient, I can't be upset that he's doing his job. He's done so much for us as a family by working at this job. It just sucks that it's finally taking this massive toll on our marriage that I don't know if he fully realizes it.
Hmmmmmm....had someone else besides you told him these things? Sometimes hearing about problems from someone else have more impact. Like maybe you telling either his brother or sister. Or even a close friend of his. I think if I'd heard from a close friend that my wife was confiding in her it would most definitely get my undivided attention. BTW I'm having serious problems trying to submit responses
That was supposed to be confiding in him not her.
No, not to my knowledge. And he and I are not close with his brother to be confiding to. Close friends would be my girlfriends or their husbands that he doesn't really talk to unless he's hanging out with me.
I get what you're saying though. If he did have a best friend I might throw that option out there but I really only have 1 friend that fully know what's going on and I wouldn't want them talking to my husband about it.
"So it's not like he PURPOSELY found a job on the other side of the country to get away from me. He's emotional on the phone and says he wants to be home and misses me, but yet when he's home, I might only get 1-2 days of that emotional guy and then he's on his damn phone or computer."
Big fat OHHHH! Well, then, what you've got there is a very simple and easily remedied case of Taking-her-for-granted-itis.. a typical male affliction. ;-) And [sarcasm alert] I wonder why ....although, let's not kid ourselves he *doesn't* feel so much more secure and sated now he constantly knows where you are at any given moment; he's still a bloke, susceptible to territorialism, including (relationship-specific) insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness...only his 'dial's' been turned too low as opposed to too high, both of which are unattractive. You want that knob on MEDIUM to where it's reassuring and flattering, don't you.
So how did you get 'there'? Could it be this? :
"I don't get nightly calls because I'm the one who typically does all the calling. Day or night."
My response to that would be - "QUE?!"
There's your problem (or but one, glaring symptom of it, I should say). You're the controller, in fact (type female). Okay, not to the extent that actually warrants the official label, but - had you never thought of letting *him* be the one to phone home?...to generally have to WORK for his perks (your consistent love and attention)?
You're not making him work, nor keeping him slightly on his toes to where it excites and enthuses him... you're yet another 'Got him, now I can down-tools forever, haaah!' merchant.
Oh no you can't, CG. A relationship is not a THING. Official/legal or not - a relationship - its quality from both sides - is a product... a result... a culmination of daily effort. Your guy is TOO relaxed, TOO secure. I mean - look at how long- or how SHORT, I should say, a time he needs to 'top back up' from your goodness once he comes back through that door: only 1-2 piddly days.
Only one to two days and - he's nicely stuffed again, ready to wander off and do other things. There's no vying, no competing, no having to wonder. Yawn. He's too well fed before he even sits back at your table, so to speak.
Don't get me wrong, one could equally say your guy is perfectly contented and that it's a very flattering thing. Only, it isn't - BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
I'm not surprised you don't like it. By the relationship foundation's LD nature, you were deprived of a lot of the Honeymoon Period features and intricacies, weren't you. So, in essence, the Honeymoon Period is over/done/dusted for him, but not for you.
One over-fed merchant + one under-fed merchant = unbalanced relationship.
Controller's too strong, though, plus carries negative connotations these days. So let's be more precise and call you an Over-feeder. Does that chime, now that you stop to think about it?
(Scopes, if you're having probs, email Richard: top banner... Support...Email (Tech Support).)
Thanks Soulmate I'll give that a try. CANADIANGAL that's about all I can come up with other than what Soulmates putting out there......... well here goes the fight to submit.
(De nada! But - 'well here goes the fight to submit.' Que? En simples Ingles, por favor?)
Tech support did contact me but..... rather than complicate the problem I'll just keep using the other option. CANADIANGAL have you or hubby had a talk?
Haven't talked to him yet but hopefully will tonight and tomorrow.
Taking everyone's advice into play and will let you know how it goes!
Thank you everyone ð
You can't just leave it at another "yawn, boring" talk, though. You've tried that before and it's made no difference. Probably, I suspect, because you've been making the mistake most modern-day women make, which is - couldn't hold onto your 'indignancy' for long enough so were seen to drop the topic and do nothing congruent in terms of the all important demonstration(s) (e.g. being seen to lose interest a bit and wander off to do something else/see a friend or even go on strike in the kitchen), leaving him to conveniently convince himself you must have complained at the time merely because you 'were having a bad day that day or had PMT or something' (self-deluding blah-blah) and 'didn't really mean it...can't have...because - look - she's still her usual, responsive and giving self' (- see how that works?). So this boy's going to have to be manipulated... for the power of good, i.e. the relationship and pending babbie, I mean. (He'll thank you for it some day, believe you me...if he ever cottons on, that is. ;-))
So we're not talking selfish gain type of manipulation where you come out the winner and he the loser - that's a distinct relationship no-no, ammonia rather than Baby Bio to that there pot plant. I'm talking the long-lost art called, employing your feminine wiles. That's what your women used to have to rely on up until the 60s/70s due the fact of having too little power generally/societally of the more direct and assertive variety. And, hey-ho-whaddayaknow - here you are, in a situation where you have too little power (because you've disempowered yourself) to elicit a cessation or change of hard-grained habits, so - it's down to the long tried-and-trusted method of old, I'm afraid (not).
Example: When he's next away, you're going to have to being to - as sweetly, benignly/innocently and apologetically as possible - i.e. PASSIVELY/SNEAKILY - whoops-FORGET to ring him at the usual time, whereby he notices/feels the breakage in pattern, starts to anywhere between wonder and worry/panic, and picks up that phone *himself*, whereupon you say something like, 'Oh cripes - is that the time already, I had no idea, I've been soooo busy/fell asleep in the bath after I went for a jog/was on the phone to my new friend Sharon/Jane, ahhh sorry sweetheart!' yet - note! - REWARD him subtly during said same conversation for the fact *he* was the one to initiate. (Example of reward: getting a bit uncharacteristically flirty and risque rather than just chatting about the day's events. No actual phone-sex, though... picking up the phone a few times in a row is hardly an effort worthy of THAT size of choccie drop! Only *consistent habit* of the pleasing-you variety gets a drop that meaty.) Subliminal lesson received (after about three or more times....click-whirr-click (-clonk, LOL): 'Whenever she's the one to phone me, I get "the usual", but whenever I'm the one to phone, I get tantalised and titillated...Whoo-hoo, me phoning is MUCH more rewarding, I'm going to do it again!'.
Aim, fire, bullseye with the carrot rather than the stick, basically. Or, put more truthfully, a stick followed swiftly by a compensatory carrot.
That's what I call, faking it to make it. Better yet is *making* to make it, although, sadly, you can't realistically do that yet - create more engaging and stimulating features in your week-to-week life so that HE begins to feel a gap and has to chase and vye to regain your usual quotient and calibre of attention and TLC - because the talk PLUS taking that all-important sort of action (this case, *failures* to act), are already imperative, what with your brain trying to make you consider the lazier option of playing away. (I realise on the conscious level you're claiming you wouldn't but - famous last words. A fundamental need is a fundamental need and that inner animal of yours, just like all the rest of them (within whatever range of degrees), is NOT a patient or sensible entity when it's suffering deprivation. Particularly not when it's got your loudly ticking ovaries on its nagging side. It just wants FOOD, it doesn't CARE how or where you, its host, get it from, it just wants it now-now-now-WHAAH! (tantrum). It's a spoiled-baby of the nagging harpy variety (in brain-itch form) that can chip away at your normal commonsense and resolve until you find yourself 'scratching', like some kind of sleepwalker, ...'mutineered' is the word...which means, responding when one day soon that quite dishy bloke at the supermarket starts trying to chat you up (having 'sniffed' your needfulness), topped off by asking for your number. 'How the hell did THAT happen!', you could be left saying, having politely turned him down and flashed him your wedding band... until one day, you find yourself thinking, 'Ah, f*ckit, I'm going to go for it, WHY SHOULDN'T I!' as all your sensible and preventative words of self-reasoning get argued into oblivion and you're left some time afterwards defensively becrying to your husband, 'I don't KNOW how it [the affair] happened, it just did!'. (Common stuff, unfortunately.)
With some blokes, you can't just TELL them a situation or set-up 'demands' an improvement because they've had years of practise tuning out the female voice in complaint mode, usually starting with their mother ("yeah, yeah, not now, I'll tidy my room later...(not)"). You've got to SHOW them you mean business. But you start subtly and cautiously so that you've room to either back off or change tack or, equally possibly, crank it UP a bit. Think face rouge: if you apply carefully and moderately, you can always, if need be, add a bit more, whereas what you CAN'T do is take any excess off again (having to wipe the whole thing off and start over). So it's very much a case of an experiment...seeing what has an effect and what doesn't until you hit on what works best/easiest and wield it consistently.
New mantra: most women only have to be verbally told; too many men have to be BEHAVIOURALLY told on top before they'll take you seriously.
It's that or talking in front of a counsellor. Try the home-grown version first, though, whilst realising you in fact *do* have options. Lots.
Yes, if you could keep us informed as to how it's all going, that'd be very sweetly thoughtful of you, thanks. :-)