Should I try to mend this?
I'm not sure if I should stay with my husband of 16 years (10 years married). We have 3 children. He started to become unhappy with me after our first child. He wanted more sex, I was exhausted and depressed. It continued on like that, but I eventually started to try to "keep him happy." He demanded more sexy, kinkier sex, sex when he was drunk. He would say I owe him sex for watching the kids.... I continued on being "nice wifey." After our 3rd child, he started to plunge into a crazed obsession over my lovers from 20 years ago. He NEEDED to know names and times and numbers. He was completely mad over this and became out of control with anger or love for me. Back and forth. It culminated in a horrendous letter to me, calling me a slut and a whore and saying I am not suitable to raise our daughter to be a good girl because I am slutty.
I told him i was done with the abuse. I have never cheated on him. I was never a "whore." He said he gained control of those thought. But he continued to complain to me that what I offered wasn't enough. Either- I didn't show enough love, I didn't touch him enough, I didn't show him I wanted him." He wanted more sex (we had sex twice a week). He even dared to say "I didn't sign up for this." And accused me of easily finding someone new and I will start "just having sex with the new guy, you know, doing what you do..."
I am so completely shut off at this point. I have a massive block up now and can't feel anything for him. I can not handle the anxiety. He would be mad at me and not talk to me if we went 3 days without sex. I can't take that anymore. I've backed off and need space and now he is devastated that I will leave him. He is usually a good father and tries to treat me well. But his neediness just became overwhelming. I am extremely fit and good looking. I have a full time job. I am exciting, I love to dance and sing and travel. But WHY has he been so unhappy with me for so many years?
Is it time for me to separate? I am shaken over what it will do to our children. But I can't go on pretending and giving sex just to keep him off my back. I want to enjoy my life and find someone who will love me as me.
I left after 24 years. He just assumed he could treat me however he wanted, and I'd never leave. He was wrong. And I've never been happier than I've been since I made the decision, and left. If his only or primary reason for being in a marriage is for sex on demand, and to raise kids together, then you both deserve better. Don't waste any more years being unfulfilled with a "partner" that doesn't see you as an equal. The kids will adjust. Would you rather keep on showing them what an unhealthy relationship is, or go your separate ways and show them that you don't have to tolerate being treated like you're "less than" just to stay together. Just sayin'. Our kids were relieved when we made the decision to split, because they could see neither of us was truly happy.
We realized we have totally different wants and needs, and that's not going to change, so the only change to be made was to let each other go. No fighting, just relief. If sex feels like a compromise for you, and he's still not happy, then why stay? You're right that you'd be happier with someone that accepts you as you are, and isn't always trying to label you or make you feel like you "owe" them anything. It's not easy, at first. But once you find your new normal, you'll look back and wonder why you didn't make the decision sooner. Hope this helps. Good luck.