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Family problem

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i have lived for 21 years. most people will probably shrug a problem when someone cant endure their family as a baby crying over a split milk
and i am fine with that... i just wish to share a bit of my problem here.

i grow up in a family of 8, which consist of 2 parents, 2 elder brothers and 3 elder sisters and me. My father loves to gamble a lot once, and only cease doing it until we reach a break point in our
economy. when he was finally stop gambling he reach a fairly old age of 50++ and stop working. he boss everyone around inside the house and will be angry if he was denied something. he dislike someone
pointing out his mistake and will even make a big fight out of it. he always think he is right and deserved to be served. he blame anyone or anything for any mistake thats even obviously his fault. he is
also very lazy, as he would ask someone to grab a glass of water for him which is within his arm reach. he also still have his habit of wasting money, which makes my siblings reluctant in giving him any money
which in returns made him angry and another fight breaks out

My mother is a perfectionist who always want everything to go her way. she accept no other options of doing things and will scold anybody who tries to suggest alternatives. she berates everyone when things
dont go the way she orders. she always tries to "fix" something no matter how small the problem is which sometimes creates even more problem by doing so. she loves to scold anybody for everything as if
she will die if she didnt scold anybody. she always quick to find a mistake in something and scold people no matter how small it is and make it sounds very big... unless of course if she is the one making
the mistake. she always think she is right and just like my father will get angry if someone points out her mistake, she will go as far as saying how many mistake that someone has done "compared" to her
she is also easily taken by news of someone's achievement, only want to look at them when they are at their best ignoring their start and ask their children to achieve the same.
she didnt do this to others though, i genuinely believe she loves others more than her own family. loves other couple's children more than her own

truth to be told i reached the point when even the voice of my own parents disgusts me, sometimes even makes me dizzy.i havent talk to my mother for half year now

My first brother is a hard working person, even though he loves to gamble just like my father. after his marriage, he tried his best to please his wife and daughters with the money he earn, and with his
overly-eager attitude to start a business, he ends up getting set up for a few times which leaves him in a huge debt. combined with his rich lifestyle, he borrowed a lot of money from my family which he cant pay back
this makes his situation dire with the rest of my family, particularly the fourth sibling since she is the one who help him the most. after his divorce he lives away from us now, and my other siblings judge him as
running away from the money he owe them, we still sometimes contact with him though albeit barely. my whole family (except me) hates him for owing them a lot of money basically...

My second brother is generous, he loves to buy things for me and the others in my family. that is because he love to waste money, although not to my father's extend that always buy anything that catch his eye if he have
the money. he also loves to gamble and play with women, i dont know if he still do it or not but i dont think so because recently he dont have a lot of money. he is rather hot headed too, talk with loud voice and are quite
easily angered. despite like this however he is a good guy, when he is not angry he talks nicely and he love to buy gifts for family. his rich lifestyle however made him need a lot of money too just like my first brother,
which made him borrows money from my family particularly my second sister.

My first sister the third sibling is the kindest among all of my siblings. unlike the others, she dont waste money nor love to judge and berate others. she is calm and collected although sometimes can be a tease.
however she live away from us with her husband. so maybe that is the reason she is different...

My second sister the fourth sibling earn the most with her husband. she helps his car repairation business, which made my brothers borrows money from her a lot. she is the worse version of my mother, she is not a perfectionist
however is an elitist. she allows no mistake but are more tolerable to mistakes than my mother, however she always want something to be glamorous or expensive or beautiful. she easily berates other over small things and are
easy to be angered like my father. she bossed around and basically diss everybody's appearance anytime she can. she is also generous as she buys a lot of things for the family but also very controlling about it, to the
unacceptable kind. she think she suffers the most in the family because she have the most money and helps the family the most. she also thinks only from her perspective and seems to be proud of it, as she takes no oppinion from
other perspective nicely. worse of all, she will give no gratitude when she was helped by one of her family members and just think of it as granted, yet will be very angry when neglected something. she also have a hobby of talking
about someone behind their back, does not matter its friend, strangers or even family members. all those above also make her really egoistic and self righteous.

My third sister which is the fifth sibling... to put it harshly, loves to lick someone's ass. she always try to appeal to someone with power, and always tries to act calm and gentle with everything when someone have problem
as if everything will be alright, which is actually a bad thing because she usually disregard the bad things that become the source of the problem. but those trait gone when the problem concerns her, she will focus on the negative
side and not on the positive side, she also loves to tease people with mistakes and point it out. although she is annoying she is tollerable at least...

And then there is me the fresh graduate just February, 6 months ago struggling to get a job. every families are different because they are made by group of humans one aspect that me and my family's circumstance is very different
compared to most family is the age gap i have with my other siblings. my third sister and me have 17 years old different while me and my first brother have 25 years old difference as such their way of thinking things are largely
differs from mine. all of them have a job and i was belittled because i have no job. as a fresh graduate i have a hard time finding a job even with bachelor's degree. as someone who grow up being restricted by my mother i am used to
spends my time alone without going out much. its to the extend that i dont want to go out if possible, yet my parents dont care and blame it on me. i stop making friends and trying to fit in after transferring school for at least 4 times
by the time i reach university, i am a complete loner with only 1 friend. i am a loner even within my family.

I havent talk to my mother for half year, i am currently in bad relationship with my 2nd brother and 2nd sister and nobody ever takes my side in anything. its...suffocating to live in this house now

as for me myself, i feel my life is really sad and pitiful. i am restricted by my elders and was scolded by the result whether i obey or not. i become rebellious and simply wish to be left alone. my family are groups of extrovert so they cant
fathom nor they want to accept and introvert like me. my father said my feelings are shit and my mother laugh at me when i cried. i cried simply to ask them not to bother me and leave me alone. i lived in a family where they act as if they care for
each other yet hate each other too. i cant connect to any of my family members and i feel its because they belittle me no matter what i said. its hard to talk with someone who already wont even consider you as a person

i am forbidden in doing almost anything and in results lacking in ability, when i was child and teens i obey my mother and the result is that i dont have any unique skill nor ability, and due to stress i develop a "skill" to easily forget about something.
i've been like this for 10 years, i always wish to forgot all the bad things and remember the good things which results in easily forgetting something. now i know it was a mistake, this again may sounds childish and stupid for people but i believe
my anger and hatred towards this family combined with the forgetfulness is the one reason that keeps me alive.

For years i have been imagining my own "friend" and my own "lover" they are both my ownself. everyday i would look at the mirror and appreciate it, no this is not a narcissius tendency but i figure if nobody care not love me i should love and care myself.
i've been alone, talking to myself and spends my time reading or playing games. spending time playing at beloved laptop and smartphone that wont hurt nor judge me. it feels fun because i am spending time with someone, myself. i always wear earphone to protect myself from other's word. never a day when i didnt use a mirror and earphone goes by.
in my family, none actually care what i said nor they think i am intelligent. so instead of talking with people who always underestimate me i just like to talk with myself. its one of my dream to leave this house at age 18 but the offers to study at other country
interests me. figures, my family cant pay until the end and my grade is not exactly top notch either. everything is so wrong with my life, the only one that still makes me happy are stories that i read, games that i play, and the reflection that always smiled at me
there are still many things i wish i could say but i dont even know where to begin.

even if i feel sad about my life, i still want to quote that meme quotes "I'd like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being beside me and my fingers because i can count on them" i'd like to thank my head for always thinking about me too.
even if i do feel grateful for my parents taking care of me and all the things my siblings gave me when i was still young, the emotional pressure is just too much.

i write this in hopes i can finally have the courage to commit suicide. i feel its okay to end everything now. this is real but i do not mind if people disregard this as a joke either. i am used to not be recognized not taken seriously. if there is one things i hope people who read this
will want to consider is that

"Family problem is real torture no matter how small it is."

i tried suicide 2 times and those 2 times i failed because i dont have courage to do so. nobody in my family knows hehe....

also one last thing

i love you, myself

Family problem

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Your complaint (if you'd like to take a stroll through the archives) is a very common one.

Simple life rule:
Happy people are nice people / Nice people are happy people.
Unhappy people are nasty people / Nasty people are unhappy people.

You're thinking of being nasty to yourself (and your one friend), aren't you. Que? I thought you said you had vowed to love yourself? Does that tally?

Doesn't, does it. (Er...I thought you were the one NON-hypocrite out of that whole pack?)

I'm going to respond philosophically (and analogously) to the blanketed ins and outs because in actual fact, this is a philosophical issue...

I know you've for what seems like a long time been running a very bumpy, tricky marathon (psychological version), and - now at the logically MOST TIRING point of the race (nearest the end) - having relied on the belief that the chequered flag would appear at the end of lap 18 - are having a hard time handling your crushing disappointment that, no, it wasn't the final lap...But the race has obviously been extended somewhat (by whomever/whatever entity) *or* was never intended to end at lap no. 18 in the first place. Probably (it always goes) because, despite you've reached the point where you can see and articulate exactly what's wrong, resultant-issues-wise, with each family member and all members as a group, and the things that led or forced them to that ameliorated point/state, you haven't yet reached the third-to-last lap called Acceptance and the second-to-last called Forgiveness. The finishing lap is about APPLYING IT - living more days and months WITH that upgraded state of mind APPLIED to all that you see, think, do - and all that you see, think, do CLASSIFIED within that updated frame of reference...and feel the huge difference: a sudden lightness to and spring in your step (and having a hard time stopping yourself from day-in-day-out laughing audibly at them).

Think about if you'd bailed at age 18. You obviously wouldn't have been capable of coming to this further-flung point of articulate realisation, would you. So what kind of enlightenment are you going to find yourself coming to at 22-25? There's a thought, eh!

Forgiveness for you is going to have to take the form of you starting to eschew anger and resentment for feeling really, genuinely, SORRY for each of those demonstrably poor, seriously confused, lost, struggling people as individuals and a group, aka emotional idiots, you just happened to get saddled long-ish term with. Once you can do that, you'll feel- not superior but NOT INFERIOR (unlike them). More fortunate, stronger and more capable.... No need to blame this, to blame that, deny and shirk whatever responsibilities are yours to take (i.e. not weak enough).

*You're* alright. Not perfect enough for you, but more perfect than the others. (And you may not have your family to thank *directly* but - being shown How NOT To is no less valuable a lesson than How To (some say it's better and faster, and I agree). No doubt you're this markedly different because at the much later point in the picture when YOU came along, dad and mum had started to run out of negative steam *and* most likely were moreover 'done' (done in!) with their prior levels of (misguided) child-attentiveness ("tsk, stop bothering us, go and play")....and same for those siblings ("no, I don't want to play with you, I'm getting ready for work/to see my girlfriend/doing my make-up"), meaning, with less constant involvement/interference, i.e. less force-fed programming, from the parents and mini-parents, you got to retain far more of your mental independence...resultantly getting allowed to work the world out more for yourself, COURTESY of yourself. Not only that, but (the science bit) the ova and sperm as produced you won't by then have been half as riddled with those prior psychological, by-then psycho-physiologically assimilated viruses, including low/weighted-down (same thing) emotional maturity (and iQ), unlike your parents themselves plus those earlier siblings (mini-versions). So you were born with distinct advantages over them, weren't you. Less shackles. Hence why you - at your more (now by firm choice) isolated distance and higher vantage point - can look down on the melee and SEE what's what, past- and present-wise, as well as (exclusively) can pretty much know what you want out of life... despite at this premature point can't see *ahead*. Can't at this moment even see "an" ahead.

Well, there definitely, without question, is one, I absolutely guarantee it. But you're still young thus still engaged in the process of grieving for the family you always wanted and by-rights deserved but never got, and haven't finished that component-ed task yet. A job that comprises elements out of which some are not yet done is not "a job done", it's a job NEARLY done. No COMPLETED workload = no perk/trophy. So you've a couple more laps to go and would be HIGHLY foolish to bail at the point where the chequered flag finally starts to loom.

I know you think nothing will change. But it will once you pay that above-stated toll fee. Because what major changes/transformations happen in this life (as opposed to what you seem to believe) do *not* rely solely on either [a] other people making moves to make things happen or [b] yourself making moves to make things happen and 'that is that'. No, it's not.

Call it what you will, there is a higher, more powerful hand that can - WHEN it can see the time is right and you're finally at optimum mental ripeness and readiness - dip in and move all the chess pieces around to clear a more attractive, alluring, inspiring path for you.

In short, you're NOT going out to play (can't start to engage with the next phase of your life both actual and psychological) yet because you haven't actually finished your homework. Work first - THEN play. Play feels insipid and dissatisfying unless it feels earned/deserved anyway.

Are you going to finish or are you going to put to waste all those prior 'hours' of blood, sweat and tears for a version of "ahead" that NO mortal human can see?

Anyway, what about your poor friend? You're going to crush and abandon him, are you? OBVIOUSLY he must have similar/important things in common with you so - don't kid yourself it wouldn't feel like a flooring and abandonment to him. I guarantee you it would. What do you think that'd do to him, then?

And another thing: don't you want to get to show them all how it SHOULD be done (as in, 'he who laughs last laughs longest')? What's the point of critisizing and complaining otherwise?

All I'm hearing is, 'I'm tired, plus I can't see round the corner, so I want to bail'. Surely the nucleic problem each and every member of your family has is precisely that they're all mentally lazy and/or too mentally otherwise engaged to make intelligent choices and decisions?

If you top yourself, they - and their parents and their parents' parents and their parents' parents' parents........- have won! A pile of idiots win against the one NON-idiot, the one with all the tools required to produce a HEALTHY descendancy? Really? Pff - other way round, mate! Keep gritting your teeth and putting one foot in front of the other until the light at the end of the tunnel INEVITABLY, UNSTOPPABLY-GUARANTEEABLY appears and at which joyous point you get a turbo boost as helps you finish the final lap at a SPRINT!...and win the trophy.

Even shorter version: do you want the bloody trophy and the giant doorway it creates or don't you?


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