Betrayals between best friends
I would very much appreciate some advice.
At the moment, I am taking every day as it comes and there always seem to be developments of some kind to the story.
I have a group of friends. One is named L, are all in our early twenties. Lily and I have been best friends since high school but have been growing apart lately, in 2016 more specifically but maybe even towards the end of 2015.
Another two girls within our group are named Ashleigh and Emily- I have known both girls a lot longer than I have known L and she only knows the other girls through me.
Emily and L have become closer lately, as L and I have drifted apart. L and I have had some silly rows this year about a few things- i.e. her wanting to go to an expensive place to drink and getting annoyed with me when I laughed at the prices (not at her personally). It feels like she is taking herself a bit seriously and has become snobby to be honest, and better than others whereas I am the opposite of this, as is Emily. A lot of other mutual friends agree and have commented on her recent snobbery. To be brutally honest, I have not liked her much as a person this year at all.
These girls and I booked a holiday together back in January which cost around Â£250 for the end of August.
Lily and I both know a guy named Aaron as we all used to work together - Lily left the company a couple of months back to go away abroad for a month.
Lily and Aaron were never officially together but had slept with each other a few times, met up, argued etc. They did not have a particularly good relationship but I always tried to stay mutual because I liked Aaron as a friend and as a person.
Lily was always possessive over Aaron- we have another friend named Hayley and Lily got very angry with Hayley when she found out that Aaron thought she was attractive- she asked Hayley to stop speaking to Aaron and to remove him from social media. Hayley refused, which resulted in an argument. This was quite some months ago, this particular evening I actually met Lily who explained that she was angry and upset with Aaron talking to her friends; who have actually all known him the same amount of time as she has.
Lily asked me to stop speaking to Aaron and for some reason I agreed. I removed him from Facebook and stopped chatting to him at work- at the time I valued Lily's friendship more than Aaron's and didn't see the big deal, but did feel a little guilty.
My guilt turned to anger quickly when I was with Lily a few days later when she received a call from Aaron- I was so annoyed that she had made me cut somebody off who she was now absolutely fine with. I explained to Lily that this had annoyed me and told her I would not be ignoring Aaron anymore.
There is another guy at work named Adam.
I slept with Adam back in February- a random one night stand that did not mean anything but I had told Lily my feelings about it afterwards- that I found it awkward at work, and that I felt upset that he had pretended to me that he was single (he was in a secret relationship with another girl at our work place and I only found out weeks after the event), Lily had made me feel better by telling me he was ugly, I didn't need him etc.
Fast forward to the end of May- I was out with my father drinking, we had just scattered my late Gran's ashes. We were very drunk - I happened to hear from Aaron who was around at the time, I went to meet Aaron for more drinks as I did not want to go home yet. Aaron and I had a good night with another one of his friends and nothing untoward happened between us- I wouldn't have dreamed of that.
The next day Aaron told me Lily had blocked him on Facebook and I told him I was sure she would have just de-activated it and not taken such drastic measures; she knew we were friends after all. But lo and behold, he was right and I was blocked too- I was hurt that my best friend of 7/8 years had cut me out without so much as asking me for my side of things.
I messaged her on WhatsApp a few days later explaining and she was clearly very angry but we made up after a short while. This had however changed my opinion of Lily for the worse. We were rocky at this sort of time as well, silly disagreements and clashes that we had never really spoken about in the sober light of day.
Lily and I still attempted to be friends after this but it was not quite the same after the accusation, my opinion of her had changed and she probably didn't like me so much either. She thought mine and Aaron's drink had been some sort of secret but that was not the case at all.
Lily went to Spain just after her birthday, about two-three weeks after mine and Aaron's drink. When Lily was away, Emily and I went out together. In drink, Emily told me that, the night after mine and Aaron's drink (when I was blocked), they were at the pub together and Adam happened to be there. Lily was really flirting with Adam even though she had never spoken to him before and they all ended up back at his house. I wouldn't have cared about this particularly, but Lily said to Emily 'I'm going to sleep with Adam to get one over on Zoe'. This made me so mad that she had been so funny about me and Aaron who were simply friends. To me it wouldn't have made a difference if she had have done the deed or not because I didn't care about Adam- it was Lily that I was gunning for. She had talked down to me and made me out to be a bad friend the day after on the WhatsApp chat and she was at Adam's house!
Emily swore me to secrecy but I told her that unfortunately I wasn't going to be able to hold my tongue about this. It was out of order on Emily I suppose but I am not the sort of person who can speak to somebody normally if I have an issue- I am not fake and would much prefer things to be out in the open so that there is a possibility of moving on from it. I told Emily that I would need to bring it up with Lily before I did- Emily didn't want me to but did assure me that she would not be pissed off with me.
So, I facetimed Lily in Spain and we had a bit of a facetime row which resulted in her having the knock with Emily for telling me and her apologising.
I should have left it there but I did not. This is where it gets really, really messy, dear reader.
A week or so after the facetime chat, me and Aaron ended up at his house. We slept together. We pledged that we would not tell Lily or anybody else and that it would not happen again. A revenge fuck, I suppose, as grotty as that makes me feel. I know, I'm awful.
I felt even worse whenever a message would pop up on my phone from Lily. I simply couldn't act happy to hear from her. Imagine, 'can't wait until you're home babes!' I couldn't do it. I kept the conversation light and as brief as possible, but tried to portray that nothing was wrong.
By this point, my anger with Lily had completely evaporated and all I felt was a mixture of guilt and dread, at the thought of telling her the truth.
Stupidly, so, so stupidly, I told Emily and Ashleigh when we were drinking and again swore them to secrecy (is the problem here alcohol?! looks like some kind of pattern, doesn't it?!). They said that they were glad I was not angry with Lily anymore and that hopefully at this stage I could move on and we would all be fine for the holiday.
When I woke up I realised, regrettably and soberly, that this could not stay secret any longer- it was only a matter of time before Emily dropped ME in it, like she had done to Lily vice versa- or until Aaron told her in a drunken row (they had not spoken since I told Aaron about the Adam situation- the night I slept with Aaron at his house). Even if by some fluke nobody told her, there was no way I could sit there with her, pretending everything was ok, hugging her, telling her I love her, etc. I knew this from the beginning but the fact that our other friends knew made it seem SO MUCH WORSE. What would they think of me? Would they trust me around their boyfriends or guys that they were into? What would they think I was saying behind their backs?
I knew that it wasn't something that I could tell Lily on Facebook. So, on the day she came home I arranged to meet her at the pub. (I know; more alcohol!) I was so nervous and apprehensive but I knew I had to bite the bullet. That morning, I messaged both Emily and Ashleigh to tell them I was going to tell her and come clean and I apologised to them for the awkward situation that I had put them in. Emily was adamant that I didn't tell Lily that she knew about it and said Lily would be angrier with her than she would be with me! This basically meant that Lily valued Emilyâs friendship more than mine in Emilyâs eyes. Ashleigh agreed with me not telling Lily that she knew too.
I made sure I told Lily by the end of our first drink - I did not want to tell her drunk as it did not seem fair. It was absolutely awful and up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Lily was shocked and said some stuff, how she hated Aaron, how she never wanted me to speak to him again, how hurt she was.
But she also said that she appreciated how hard it was for me to tell her. She said that she did not want Aaron to come between our friendship.
We drunk until 2AM and did actually speak about things other than Aaron and it seemed like we were back to normal, even before she had gone to Spain, before she had become snobby and back when we actually enjoyed the other one's company; there was no awkwardness after a few hours, no rockiness or weird situations.
I couldn't believe my luck when I woke up the next morning and was so grateful for how the evening had gone. I decided to leave her to cool off and texted her later that afternoon about my jacket that I had left her with- which she read and ignored.
I did expect in my heart that she was really just shocked and after it had sunk in she would be annoyed with me and off, so I wasn't too worried. She texted me back the next day, very bluntly saying she had left it at her friend's house. I decided again to leave her to it, but received another angry message a few hours later asking why I had told her I hadn't told anybody when I had.
I knew straight away that Emily had told her. I was angry that Emily had made such a show and dance about me not telling Lily, I would not have minded telling Lily that the other girls knew as it really was a drop in the ocean compared to the shit storm I was throwing at her.
Lily is very passive aggressive so I understood that she would take this lead to start an argument with me rather than coming out with 'I can't talk to you because you've betrayed me and I hate you' or something along those lines. I told Lily that I only said no one knew because Emily had begged me not to tell her and explained the drop in the ocean analogy. I told Lily that I understood totally if she didn't feel like she could be my friend after this and said maybe its best we don't talk for a while- the message was nice however. Lily responded by calling me a snake and a few other similar things and blocking me.
I messaged Emily, annoyed at her, just asking why she had put me in that position and said I had only lied to Lily about that to save Emily's skin. Wanting to save a row with Emily I then blocked her.
I realised after a couple of days that Emily really made no difference to the situation and Lily was simply seething about me and Aaron but nonetheless in the beginning when it was fresh I was still angry as I naively thought me and Lily were on the right track until that bit. Or maybe we were, perhaps that was the final nail in the coffin? I was still angry with Emily though, considering she had been the one who in a weird way (I am not blaming her for me and Aaron) started the whole chain of events by dropping Lily in it in the first place and then mucking me and Lily up again.
I decided to simply lay low for a bit and not contact anybody. Late on a Friday night at the end of that week I received a nasty text from Lily, pretty much calling me a s**g, a c**t, all those sorts of names, saying we are absolutely done and could I take responsibility for my own actions and stop slagging off Emily blah blah blah.
The next morning I wrote her a long reply- which was not overly pleasant but what I considered at the time to be honest and fair. ................
I'm not shifting the 'blame'. It was mine and Aaron's decision to have sex clearly not Emily's what would she have to do with that I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying not everyone's been an angel in this situation and I'm the only one who's got the guts to stand up and say yeah I have been a bitch I'm not afraid to hold my hands up to that. But I'm not the only one who has been a bitch, I'm just saying Emily was the one who told me about you wanting to shag Adam to get one up on me in the first place because I had a drink with Aaron, and swore me to secrecy to it but obviously I had to say something about that to you because unlike everyone else I'm not fake. So yeah it's got lots of different angles to it, I'm the only one who's actually had the balls to tell you the truth in any of this no matter how grim it is on anyone's part. Even you were going to snake me because you were so angry with me for having a drink with Aaron that you blocked me on Facebook before you even asked me about it! You've always been obsessed with him and hated that I was his friend too. Like when you asked me to take him off Facebook, you did that with Hayley too. You were then talking to him a few days later. I guess when you're always being accused of something you're more likely to just go and do it aren't you. Blame for what anyway I admitted I had sex with someone you liked and said sorry. What more is there to be said? I haven't stolen your boyfriend or your baby dad lily you weren't together we are both single at the absolute end of the day. And you betrayed me too just on a different level. I'm not saying it's Emily's fault but perhaps if she kept her mouth shut about you in the first place it would have been less likely to have happened. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do other than move on from it and at least hold my head up and say I was honest and told you about it. I'm sorry that I hurt you but what more can I do, I can't grovel to you my whole life. Moreover it's obviously not about Emily anyway you're pissed off that I slept with Aaron but you've taken another angle cause that's what you do, its passive aggression at its finest and you don't want to feel stupid telling people you've fallen out with me because I slept with the guy you liked but weren't actually with. 'Have a nice day' honestly lily just say what you mean for godâs sake. And you're still stewing over it now you're pissed over a week after you found out. I am sorry that you're sitting there thinking about it while you're meant to be out having fun on a Friday with all these amazing pals of yours. Watch who you trust though not everyone is as straight up as me but they can all be just as bitchy. If you are certain we are 'done' then why do you still have my number? Delete it. There is no point in talking to me or sending me drunken texts if you don't want to make up and there is no point in you having my number on your phone. I have told you and apologised there is nothing else I can do. I don't want random Aaron texts off you every time you get drunk. I did hope that we could be friends or even civil considering the majority of my friends are yours anyway and we will inevitably have to deal with each other again but if you can't handle being civil then fair enough, obviously I can handle awkward situations so it's no skin off my nose. Have a nice day Lily, and I actually mean that.
She then went on to tell me I was grim, to sort my life out, said I was a disgusting bitch who was full of shit, said how would I know about being obsessed with anyone considering I had never had a boyfriend and nobody had even liked me etc.
I then wrote back a nasty one saying all her boyfriends had been great, one had cheated on her, another wouldn't give her his number after he screwed her and Aaron f****ed her best mate and put 'good riddance' at the end of it.
So there's the story - if you have managed to read it all I thank you and applaud you!
To be honest we haven't liked each other for months and have both snaked each other in a way, I understand what I did would be worse in most people's eyes including my own. I suppose sometimes people grow apart or in this case it's like a bomb tears them apart at the end. I did my best to do damage limitation after I made the mistake of sleeping with Aaron but she could not accept it and turned nasty and I unfortunately got nasty back.
I have spoken to Ashleigh who still wants me to go away with them- I have sent Emily my passport details and Lily is totally blocked- I have blocked her family also so she has no way of contacting me unless she literally turns up at my house or work (she would not do this, she is quite timid and small- not that I would physically hurt her anyway). As it stands I am still supposed to be going away with them and that is what I have told Ashleigh who is the mediator in all of this. I had to pay twice for the holiday as we all did as the company went bust, so it has cost me Â£400 all in all. I feel in a way that I have paid for it and booked the week off work so I should make the most of it- I am not in any way scared of any of these girls or anybody else for that matter but another part of me feels that it will be pure crap and that going is a total waste of time and will be more money wasted (spending money) when I could just have a nice week off here in my hometown with my real friends.
I have decided nonetheless to act as if I am going, if only to give them a headache leading up to it like they have caused me last few nasty weeks. Maybe Lily would even drop out- I feel like me and Emily could make up as we have been friends forever and I think she just can't keep a secret- I will watch my mouth around her if we do become friends in the future- clearly me and Lily are over and done with perhaps through more fault of mine but she has not been totally pure and innocent in this situation. I am not blaming anyone else but actions do lead to reactions.
Me and Aaron are still friends - I like him and his company as he likes mine and he has been a better friend to me this past year than what Lily has. And anyway, if Lily won't speak to me (don't think I'd want to speak to her at this point either) why would I want to lose them both?
Sorry for the massive message- writing this has been really therapeutic.
I hope to hear from you soon, and thanks so much- take care X
Your biggest problem is that you guys use social media to sort your issues when you should be respecting each other by talking face to face. It's all very well to have it all in text and agreed, we all sort our head better when we get it down 'on paper' but with life's issues, we all need to actually talk to people, sober, to have any chance of resolving them. When we use alcohol to solve a problem, we realize that the problem is still there when we wake up the next day and sometimes our actions, while under its influence, have exacerbated the entire situation to a new unmanageable level.
You need to understand that if you react to your friend(s)accusations then you are basically giving them the satisfaction of achieving just that. It goes around and around until one or some of you will mature enough and realize that it's basically just a storm in a teacup compared to what life will throw at you.
You also need to understand, that by posting here, you've had enough of the drama and while you have contributed to it, you now need to focus your life on something more worthy. Sure, you can be school friends, but we all grow up and go our different ways and it's the path we choose and the people we choose to class as friends, and our actions, that will set us on the path of our lives of our CHOICE.
When you can post that actions lead to reactions, then you need to look at your actions and determine if they are made in such a way that that the reaction will be favourable for you and that it will benefit others. In other words, you reap what you sow. When you make a stand and absolutely refuse to get involved in other people's dramas, and never mind the alcohol, you are actually setting an example of how a mature person in their early 20s should act in everyday situations.
If this means that you let your school friends go and make other friends, then so be it, because none of them are your real friends. Real friends won't betray you and real friends won't knife you just to get a reaction from you.
You need to be brutally honest with yourself and be true to yourself; that way you'll be kind enough to yourself to be able to make a good life for yourself, and this basically applies to all of you involved.