With every outburst / lie I'm one step closer to leaving
SEEKINGHELP - Aug 15 2016 at 15:28
I don't know what to do anymore! My husband is battling some issues with himself and won't get help! Instead of seeking help he masks his issues with alcohol and/or drugs. He lies to me because he's "afraid" of my reaction. He doesn't want to face me being angry with him about something so he hides it. He's almost completely shut me out emotionally. He tells me that the drugs are just him being "himself". He's not the same person I married! He tells me that I'm not the same person he married. Things have changed since we got married almost 10 years ago. We grew up, We have more responsibilities and we have children. I just don't know what to do...... Fell free to ask any questions that would help give me some advice on my situation....
I thought DUH too but apparently not.
Yeah, I don't know. He's always had an addictive personality. The past couple of years have gotten worse. He's done and said things to me that he's never done and said before. I fear that if he doesn't get help with his issues soon that he will progressively get worse and look for harder drugs. He says to me "it's not like I'm doing crystal meth". UGH. So irritating. I don't want my kids growing up in a home where their father is doing random drugs and randomly drinking too much. NOT the life I want for them!!
Weird this post is almost exactly what i wanted to post last night. I have no advice for you because idk what to do myself. I feel you. I do. It's pretty hard to stand by your man when they won't let you.
I love him so very much. If I didn't, I would have left a long time ago. I know that marriage takes work and it's not easy. Anytime we have any sort of disagreement or argument he blows it off and acts as if everything is just fine. I'm tired of blowing everything off. Maybe the problem is that he hasn't changed much since we first met almost 15 years ago. He hasn't grown up. He hasn't realized that our life isn't just about us anymore. He once told me years ago before we got married and before we had kids that he couldn't love me if I didn't love myself. I feel like the roll has reversed. I am going to attempt to talk to him again and see where we get. I will highly advise he talks to someone about whatever battles he facing (I wish he would talk to me!). I will offer to go with him. As SUSIEDQQ suggested, if he doesn't want to see a counselor, I will. We have to do something.
Hello I think your situation is very difficult so professional advice is what you need especially because your husband uses drugs and alcohol.
He might become abusive under the influence.
I agree. He must have had a pre-existing propensity for overdoing alcohol and substances which, before, when not in crisis, he managed to just about keep a firm enough lid on but, now having hit the good ol' MLC ("the rules don't work!"), no longer can...or no longer wants to..bit of both, probably, usually is.
If this is the case then, yes, counselling would be a sensible idea. Try to find one that'd be happy giving him individual interspersed with regular marital. And, in the meantime, hard though it is, try not to take his crisis all that personally. 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' is how most victim-spouses describe it. Does that about sum it up for you?
I'm right there with you and struggling everyday with the "stay or go" decision.
Not as lengthy of a relationship, and no kids, so it should be "easy" to leave, but the man I fell in love with still exists somewhere and is so worth holding out for. But how long ?
There are periods where he seems on track. But when I look at online banking or the telephone log I see the truth, or at least what I determine.
We have a shared credit card so I know when he buys beer, smokes, video games (yes, a plethora of vices with this guy) etc . . . it's the CASH that goes into oblivion that is killing me. This past weekend it was $400 and he brings home $2,000 monthly so it's continually leaving very little to contribute to bills. Same as original post, I've begged for answers and been told it's too much for me to deal with. "He'll handle it". A few good weeks where he might blow through only (yah, I just said "only" I'm losing my mind it seems lol) a hundred or so bucks . . . but then it seems to snowball again. It's killing me. He won't open up (apparently three years ago I was snarky about him making too many depressing phone calls to me one day and he's held to "not stressing me out" ever since). How can a partnership survive when one is lying and the other KNOWS it ?
He feels like it's too bad to tell me, yet I'm convinced he's dabbling in heroin whenever he has the cash and then tiding himself through the bad times with Suboxone (which is to help addicts come off, but seems just to bandaid him when he has no money, if that makes any sense)... so in my mind, it's already a horrible situation.
He admitted when we met to a heroin addiction 15-20 years ago . . he kicked it and spent many years clean. Right after we met he was injured at work and his world crashed down (lost his career, totally broke financially, etc) . . . shortly after that he fell back into taking drugs.
I'm such a damn softy/non-assertive personality, I loathe and crumple at confrontation. This is killing me. SIGH
After 24 years of marriage, and a life of family and all kinds of relationships, one thing I know to be true. We train people how to treat us. If you allow it, it will continue. It's that simple. Get him help if he wants it. If he doesn't? There's nothing you can do for him. You'll have to rescue yourself and let him go. It's the decision that's hard. Took me 4 months to realize things were never really going to change, because he didn't want or need them to. He just assumed that because I'm loyal and compassionate, he could do literally whatever he wanted, without worrying how it affected me or our kids, and I'd just "figure it out".
And ya know what? He was right. I did figure it out. All of it. And it nearly killed me. Three bleeding ulcers later, he was still digging us further and further in the hole, and still blowing money on whatever he "needed". So after the kids were out on their own, I stopped "figuring it out" for him. I got a separate checking account, and left him to his own devices. It wasn't long before he realized I wasn't going to save him anymore, and he made it very easy for me to leave after that. He got downright awful. He showed his true colors. He'd been using me to shore up his sinking ship, and once I cut the lifeline, he literally had no use for me, and it showed. So I left. And haven't looked back.
He's self destructing, and there's not a darn thing I can do to help him, because he shut me out, 100%. I tried. Everything. For YEARS. It only got worse. Not better. He'd toss out just enough breadcrumbs of hope to keep me hooked. Show me just enough "potential" to keep me believing I was helping him reach it. Now, I pity him. It's a sad situation. He's become a running joke among his own friends and family, and I just couldn't bare to watch it anymore. I had to save myself. And, as soon as I started treating myself better, and taking care of me and my needs, he simply faded into the background. I don't miss him, or the chaos he brought to my life. I miss my friend, I miss my companion. Occasionally. But I don't miss him specifically. I loved this man. VERY very much. He still made me weak in the knees 24 years after the I Do's. That simply wasn't justification enough to stay.
I don't know what to tell any of you that are experiencing this. I only know how it worked out for me. I filed divorce papers this morning. I only left him four months ago. And? I'm so relieved I almost feel guilty. Almost. I wouldn't say I'm celebrating, because our kids are still having to watch their dad spiral further and further down, but I'm free, and I'm rebuilding my life, without the anchor. And my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
"We train people how to treat us."
In many cases/to an extent, yes. But then (thanks to parents and/or prior exes) there are those that *come* to a relationship with pre-formed, skewed ideas of how to treat ones relationship partner and either single-handedly manage to hide their true attitudes - thereby proving they already knew it was wrong - or with their new partner's help (self-blinkering or genuine ignorance). It logically follows, therefore, that if it so happens that you yourself have unwittingly or otherwise managed to train your partner a certain way then the scope exists for *re*-training them, starting with their erroneous or downright onerous thinking... which is where counselling comes in.
Mamabear, didn't you try insisting on counselling on pain of temporary-but-lengthy or permanent separation?