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Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Posted by
COELHA
on Aug 16 2016 at 15:06
Member since: 16 August 2016
Relationship advice We are a couple for almost 3 years now, and we also live together very happy. But the problem is that sometimes i have to leave to visit family, like right now i have been gone from home for almost 1 week. What happens is that he masturbates without telling me and he watches porn to do so. What makes me feel realy awful is that i can perfectly send him pic or videos but he never asks or even says that he is gonna do it. I dont know if this is a normal thing or not but it really makes me feel useless inside.

I confronted him about it and he says when he watches it he thinks of me and its no big deal ! Why would he do that thinking of me while he could look at me and do it .

I might be exagerating but i really dont know what to think. I just know i feel terrible.

Someone please help me to change my mind. All help is welcome

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 16 2016 at 15:36
Member since: 27 December 2013
"he masturbates without telling me and he watches porn to do so."

So - how do you know he even does this?

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
COELHA
on Aug 16 2016 at 15:39
Member since: 16 August 2016
I have asked him about it , but he doesnt tell me willingly without me asking

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
ANITA 489
on Aug 16 2016 at 18:48
Member since: 16 August 2016
I think its common these days for couples to watch porno. Internet is everywhere so It happens. I am divorced now but after fours of bring together he watched porno and somehow I watched with him. It was okish...

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
COELHA
on Aug 16 2016 at 19:07
Member since: 16 August 2016
Yea i understand, i just dont feel confortable with the whole thing. And the fact that he kind of keeps it a secret.

I wouldnt mind much watching together and trying some things out, but him watching it alone without me just feels like cheating (i know its not cheating, it just doesnt feel nice for me)

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Aug 16 2016 at 19:10
Member since: 06 March 2016
I don't understand the upset here. Why would you care, or keep asking him about it?? If it upsets you to know he's doing it, then stop interrogating him about it. He's not cheating. He's not lying. If you ask, he doesn't try to hide it. He's a normal human being with needs and wants. Women do this too, btw. It's perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a reflection of his feelings or attraction for you, it's simply a sexual outlet he's comfortable with when you're apart. Would you rather he get online and find women for "hookups"? If you're uncomfortable with the natural act of masturbation, that may say more about you than him. This screams insecurity. I was married 24 years, and we spent weeks apart due to work schedules. I would have been very concerned had he NOT masturbated to porn while we were apart. He never searched for sex with other people because he didn't need to feel ashamed about doing his thing. He had my blessing. I just didn't want to see it, or hear about it. I don't understand why you do...

You may want to ask yourself why you feel threatened or jealous of .... videos and pictures. It's just a physical release for him. One he's been practicing since puberty. Long before you came into the picture. So why does it bother you?? It's not sex. It's not intimacy. It's not connection. It's just a physical need that he's satisfying without stepping out of your marriage. It's not that you're "not enough" for him. Take your ego out of it and do a little research. Then, if it still bothers you, have a very honest conversation with him. Try not to judge him, but understand instead. Talk to a counselor or your married friends. Again - do some research and leave your ego at the door. Take an honest look at yourself, your marriage, and whether or not you will be able to accept this. If you don't want to know? Then stop asking him about it. And let it go. If you can't, then you need to figure out if it's a deal breaker for you. Because asking him to change because you're uncomfortable won't work. For either of you.

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
COELHA
on Aug 16 2016 at 19:23
Member since: 16 August 2016
The way you wrote all of that felt harsh but i think youre totaly right. Thinking of him maybe going to bar to get women made me change my whole idea on the matter.

I guess it was just me not thinking good about the whole situation.

Thanks for helping

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Aug 16 2016 at 20:40
Member since: 06 March 2016
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. Not at all how it was intended. I just kept thinking, "if this is her biggest complaint?? I don't get it..."... I'm glad you could see it from his side, as well as a side that would hurt you even more. I hope you're able to be thankful for each other, let it go and be happy together. :)

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 16 2016 at 21:11
Member since: 27 December 2013
Agree with Mama.

Of bigger concern is your interrogation of this guy. Is this how it's going to be when problem solving during your relationship?

Boyfriend watches porn when I'm gone

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Aug 17 2016 at 16:30
Member since: 19 August 2014
Well, I don't - sorry. This is about personal sensitivities and preferences clashing,... individualism... subjective...a Grey area - and what that 'mere' habit SUGGESTS - thereby a perfectly legitimate beef. It could be one's partner w*nking to porn or even something as 'innocent' as dressing up like Coco The Clown and practising how to juggle! It'd be only NATURAL to wonder if he were priming himself for running off and joining the circus!

He keeps it a secret yet then 'in the same breath' divulges the secret. ACTIONS! Result: ILLICIT=UNFAITHFUL CONTEXT. Thin edge of a wedge or not - no wonder you don't like it. It could be the START of something for all you know - right?

If you feel that a habit - ANY habit - of your partner's is leaving you guessing and making you feel bad or in any way 'less than', then the issue here is this: he for too long owes it to you to have a proper, sit-down discussion SO THAT you can know and understand WHERE EXACTLY he's coming from (or not coming from). ONLY THEN could anyone say with any confidence that what he's doing is harmless or bears no reflection on you/the relationship or that he 'needs it' as opposed to could do without or find alternative outlets.

And here's a salient, non-compromising question: if it's so damned harmless, natural, innocent and therefore dismiss-able then WHY DOES THE MOUSE BASICALLY ONLY PLAY WHENEVER THE CAT'S *AWAY*! (That's a "Gotcha!", by the way.)

And also - yes, if you're freely and willingly supplying 'home-grown' pornographic material for him then where's the NEED to bring it in from outside? What - it has to be anyone BUT you??? (SEE!)

How hard would it be *not* to use impersonal porn over what sounds like copiously-supplied personal when you consider the risk it could pose in terms of alienating your already clearly perturbed YET REMEDIES-WILLING partner so much and for so long that you've introduced a potentially harmful, negative weight to your interactional loop as could, if left too long, send it down, round, down, round...SPLAT!? What - a base, physical yet throwaway release - or rather, one type of 'cathartic' stimulation over another towards said release of no matter - is worth all of that overly potential aggro and heartache? Pff, pull the other one [scuse pun].

I reiterate: one half of the team - TEEEEAM-AH! - doesn't like it. Something in a marriage is only acceptable if it's such to BOTH parties. So either he stops...or he explains it more comprehensibly and comprehensively to where it not only rings true but puts it into clearer, more easily understood, more easily/perfectly live-able-with context (i.e. disempowers it).

You want him to find YOU AND ONLY YOU - physical form included - the only 'thing' that can work to turn him on since he met you, BERBOM! What's so unreasonable about that?! Does he fancy you above all women or doesn't he?! And is he so in-love with you that all other females now present as asexual, genital-less beings or doesn't he?! Does the famous song lyric go, ''Cause I only have eyyyyyesss....fooooor yoooou (and-a-bit-of-porn-on-the-side), deeeear'? No, it doesn't. Funny, that.

This isn't a marital porn habit. It's SINGLETON porn. Diff/all the diff.

If you want my honest opinion, COEHLA, I don't think this is strictly ABOUT sex. Barely, in fact. His actions don't gel. I think the REAL issue is, he dislikes and by now RESENTS the fact you 'have to' go away so often. And obviously tricky conversations between the pair of you tend to take acting-out format rather than straightforward, honest but difficult/potentially wrought conversations that run their entire course to point of closure. So, in THAT context, it would make perfect sense that he'd do something or other that made you feel leery about leaving him in the first place at best or itching to get home again at worst, don't you think? Not saying he doesn't enjoy porn per se once he starts. But insisting on doing something/anything about which you've already demonstrated holding a serious problem towards would be a handy little words-free protest march of his, now, wouldn't it? I should cocoa. 'Stop leaving me on my tod or the 'puppy' gets it!'.

So, COEHLA - *why* do you have to sometimes leave to visit family? And was this present-and-future fact of a mandatory contained within your original 'advertisement' - the one which originally had him yelling, 'I'll take her/it!', or did you change the goalposts at whatever point along the way? OR...did he seem to ACCEPT those pre-terms whilst secretly believing things would change or he could (cough!) *somehow* get you to change them?

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