Issues with myself
So for the most part, I've always been an invert. I've always been that shy kid in the back of the class that no one really knew. I don't ever have the most friendly look on my face to where someone would just come up and talk to me. I've made a lot of strides since getting out of high school, I've opened up a lot more but yet I still have a huge.climb ahead of me. I just don't know how to start honestly. I really don't have any friends, more like aqquantencies. I spend most of my time at home or in the bar, when I'm drunk then that's when I open up of course. But when I'm sober I always get asked "what's wrong" or "is everything ok" and I mean yeah everything is okay but then again it's not. I'm not a good conversationalist but I do try. the occasional hey, how ya doin what ya been up to kinda thing.
I'm just insecure, I care what people thing about me, I'm scared of doing things in front of people in fear of doing it wrong and getting judged. I always think people are talking bad about me. I'm just a insecure guy that's lonley and has no real start to improving who I am as a person.
I grew up with a military dad whose also invert and hates people and is just verbally abusive ( which is a possible reason i.am the way I am but not.blammimg him) so I was taught manners and respect like yes sir yes ma'am type of deal. I try to help people the best I can, from small things to big things. I believe in good and bad karma and feel that things will always come back around.
I do what I think is right but how can someone be happy when there not happy with themselves. It's just my dad and i, my family lives out of state and it's hard for me to make friends because I trust no one. I don't even give people a chance in fear of them not liking me or getting turned down. I don't even know how to change to become a better me, a more open, pleasant me. I don't know how to change my personality. Until I figure it out, I'll be stuck in my house living a lonley almost non existent life.
I think you're looking at this the wrong way. From what you've said, I feel like you're only looking at the negative aspects of yourself, not the positive ones.
Trust me, there's nothing wrong with being an introvert. And trust me, there's nothing wrong with getting to know people on a superficial level. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to get to know people better.
I used to look at people and think, "Wow, they're so much better than me. They talk better, they look better, they know more than I do, they're more popular, they have more friends, I'll never be able to talk to them, I'll never be able to hang out with them, everything I say and do sounds dumb compared to them blah, blah, blah." They intimidated me. I thought I was the weird one. I went through high school and had only one friend, because I was sure everyone else hated me or thought I was weird. But then I got a job which forced me to interact with others, and hey, guess what I learned? Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, has a boat load of problems. They have some insecurity, some talent, their own level of charisma (whether it be high or low), some degree of anxiety, things that make them happy or upset, their own gossip, their own family issues, and their own story to tell. I've been forced to live with lots, and lots of strangers, male and female, and not a single one of them wakes up in the morning and feels 100% confident with themselves. Even the seemingly over-confident, charismatic bully type who walks around like they own the place, and makes sure everyone knows it. Even they have problems getting along with people. Even they are scared of messing up.
In order to get to know someone, you need to be willing to put yourself on the line. If someone asked you, would you be able to tell them what scares you? What you like? What makes you mad? What you do in your spare time? What's your favorite food, and what did you do last night? Friendship isn't about immediately clicking with one another, it's about getting to know about the other person. About seeing their happiness, and their insecurities, and letting them see yours. It's nerve wracking and uncomfortable.
Before you try to get to know other people, try and get to know yourself. Are you comfortable with yourself? Do you know what scares you? Do you know what talents you have, and what makes you proud of yourself? Do you have anything that interests you, or anything you someday want to learn? Any goals, or places you want to travel? Have you been hurt before? Did someone hurt you? Abuse you? Terribly? What happened to you then, and how did you grow from it? What did you learn, and how did that shape who you are today? Because everybody has been hurt in some way, not just you. You don't ever have to share this with someone, just, be aware of how it affected you. Be aware of yourself, and be comfortable with who you are.
If you have confidence in what person you are today, you'll have confidence to get out there and interact with others. If you know yourself, you'll be more able to be curious about others. What they like, what they eat, what makes them mad, and how they pick themselves up when they fall. Everything that makes them similar to you, and everything that makes them different. Be curious! Know yourself and be confident! You don't need to be more open, and you don't need to be more pleasant. You just need to own you! Then, you can try and learn about others, and they, in turn, can try to learn about you. And then the two of you can make your own judgement if you want to be friends, because sometimes you won't like what you learn about the other person, and sometimes they won't like what they learn about you. That's what having a deeper connection with a person is all about.
So, what do you like? Do you have a hobby? Is there anyway you can get involved with that in your community? Get involved. Don't go for the people, go for the fun. You will make friends along the way, but pick something social that interests you. Because when things go wrong, and they probably will (as they do for everyone), you need a reason to return.
That's my advice for you. It certainty helped me out, but even then I'm still anxious about meeting new people. Good luck!