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Trust issues

Posted by
BLACKIE99
on Aug 17 2016 at 23:42
Member since: 17 August 2016
Relationship advice I have problems trusting my husband. We are together 6 years, the first year was was do happy with absolute no trust issues. I was probably a little innocent really when I think back. First thing that happened was a naked woman on his laptop. I was so upset and hurt as I thought he only had eyes for me. I knewa girl had sent it to him as she had taken it on her phone. I felt sick.

Second thing he did was contact his ex. We had a row when I found out he was watching porn. My previous boyfriends probably did it but I didn't care when I didn't know about it. Because I was suspicious I checked his history and found allsort of sick stuff he,d been watching. I felt worthless, sick and in shock. After our row I stormed out and stated with my parents. We made up soon after and one Saturday I thought I'd do a good deed and clean his car. Low and behold his phone was in it. I debated for an hr will I or won't I and I just had a feeling there was something so I gave a quick look. He had phoned his ex a few times and she him. It numbed me. His excuse was he thought we were over!! At no stage was veryour relationship over.

He watches porn on his phone and I know it as I checked. I've asked him can we do it together but no way. Wat he watches upsets me. Am I not good enough for him

Recently I got a feeling and usually my feelings led to something a nd sure enough he had googled photos of a woman at work and saved them to his phone. I'm do hurt, confused, my head is all over the shop and I don't know if I'm over reacting.

Are these things normal. Have I reason to be worried and non trusting of him? do i need counseling?

Trust issues
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 18 2016 at 03:55
Member since: 27 December 2013
Are these things normal? No.

Have I reason to be worried and non trusting of him? Yes

Do i need counseling? Yes, to figure out why you stay with a man who treats marriage the way he does.

Trust issues
Reply from
BLACKIE99
on Aug 18 2016 at 09:56
Member since: 17 August 2016
Thanks for your response. He tells me it's normal for lads to watch porn and that every lad does it.

He says I'm over reacting to it. he said he would stop and assured me he had. I believed him and things were good again but he kept doing it behind my back. its the lies that hurt the most. All i ask him for is to be honest with me and if he felt he had to watch porn it's ok but to let me know he was back at it.

When I asked him had he anything on his phone I shud know about he said no. I gave him plenty chances to tell me but he kept saying no. I asked him why has he photos saved on his phone of a girl. He said wat girl....anyways long story short he said she was a vendor from work and was curious what she looked like and was from a different county.that county is where he went on a stag few weeks prior.so it sickened me, I almost felt like puking. He said he hadn't saved them and he had just quickly looked at them once. When I went to take his phone he pulled it back and wouldn't give it to me. That made me worse as why would he do this. I said I was walking if he didn't give it to me so before he handed it to me he deleted stuff quickly and he denied it.i was standing in front of him and he still lied.

Believe me I don't like looking at his phone it actually scares me to do it but when I get a feeling or vibe I know there is something going on with him. I leave my phone thrown around and barely use it but he won't let it out of his hand. He is constantly on it, keeps it with him at all times but once in a blue moon he might forget it's not in his pocket and I don't look unless I'm suspicious of him.

It turns me off him now when we are together. I don't know who he is anymore. i dont know what he cud be up to behind my back when I'm not around. i go home to parents alot so he has great freedom. i just dont trust him. When he kisses me etc all I can think of is what he has put me through the last while. He lies to me and I always catch him out. I have asked him over and over not to lie. I am afraid wat it's leading to and what watching other women and men could do to him.

I am a very honest and trusting person. The only time we argue is when he does stuff that hurts me and in the last while it's regular and I can't take it. I am so stressed out, worried and sad. There is no ump in our marriage anymore.. he plays his Xbox for hours, drinks whiskey alot, during the week and weekends. Lately he works on alot and works Saturdays and I forgot to mention his ex works in the same place as him...

I am going to get counseling I think even though I'll probably cry for the first session none stop, I'm so emotional at the moment. I don't like crying in front of people and that puts me off seeing a counselor to date. But I feel I have no choice now in order to try save our marriage

Trust issues
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 18 2016 at 13:34
Member since: 27 December 2013
"I have no choice now in order to try save our marriage"

Why work so hard to make this marriage survive?

He's like a puppy who chews up your shoes when you leave. He's trying to punish you for ignoring him. He doesn't know where to put his manliness energy, except on the computer.

Go to counseling, but unless he puts some effort into wanting the marriage to work, it will be for yourself, to strengthen yourself for what is about to come. And that's a good thing . . .

Trust issues
Reply from
BLACKIE99
on Aug 18 2016 at 14:39
Member since: 17 August 2016
Ok I appreciate you replying back to me. I will def go as I do want us to be together I love him very much so I will try save it and hopefully we can move on from all this ridiculous carry on its so draining. Im just after having surgery and need to boost myself as he has me so down lately and this surgery hasn't helped things.thank you
Trust issues
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Aug 19 2016 at 14:53
Member since: 19 August 2014
Susie's right, it WILL be a good thing... because it'll give you the sense of confidence and conviction needed EITHER for [a] putting your foot right down in order to force him to admit he's acting-out deliberately to provoke you into *not* 'going home to your parents a lot' (and possibly whatever else) and to instead just communicate normally like a grown adult, or [b] for concluding that 1 happy year out of the entire 6 is woefully below par in terms of how any woman/wife expects to be treated, regardless of the reasons behind it, and not therefore a relationship worth saving.

He's immature, majorly under-assertive thus highly emotionally manipulate, in other words, doesn't know how to ask for more attention *nicely* (and only when appropriate as well as do-able, note!..."ME-ME-ME!") and has no 'friendly confrontation' and conflict resolution skills, meaning, he basically plumps for a game of charades instead.

Well, if you'd wanted a partner that acted out all the time instead of knowing what his mouth is for and using it, you could have just dated a chimp, couldn't you. For starters, whenever they've a problem they tend to climb a tree rather than into a bottle or virtual reality. ;-)

Seriously, why WOULD you want to save a relationship that according to you, comprised satisfactory, mature and relationship-conducive behaviour only one sixth of its entire history and, at that, merely the *first* sixth (during which *everyone* tends to have their best foot forward)?

Are you lonely? He's amazing in bed? Pride/facing your family? What? There's got to be a reason why you'd put up with such sh*ttiness, hasn't there?

Trust issues
Reply from
BLACKIE99
on Aug 19 2016 at 20:16
Member since: 17 August 2016
Thanks soulmate I appreciate u responding to me. I love him dearly dats just it, I can't think of anything other than that. I think these problems can be put behind us if we both see a counsellor and talk things out. He needs to hear another person's view on what he does as he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I know he loves me but I can't go on unless he changes his ways I need honesty it's priority for me.i also needed to hear wat others thought so thank you both for giving me ur views on my situation it has helped me, gracias
Trust issues
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Aug 20 2016 at 16:48
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Dats just it? Who do you think you are - Bugs Bunny? :-D (Just joshing. Are you posting via text?))

You're attached/embroiled, is what you're trying to say, meaning, you can't just quit without any hardship to yourself into the bargain - namely suffering grieving/detaching pains as well as lifestyle disruption(s).

No. You can't (couldn't). That's why it's so imperative during the early dating days to be CONSIDERATE towards your future self by NOT letting your present self float completely off and up with the Honeymoon Fairies to Cloud 9, where he 'can do no wrong' and, anyway, all you're interested in is the next snog or sh*g session or getting the relationship under your belt, meaning, you'll deal with 'that' another time or wait to see if he somehow just 'grows out of it'. This - facing mental hard work (overdue at that) *whichever* option you now take - is your punishment (the psychological version of penitentiary).

You said it yourself - were a little innocent back then (I think you mean ignorant as in inexperienced). Fairenoughski, happens to the best of us prior to our gaining more wisdom and savvy-ness, you live and learn, etc... But you're not now. Now your eyes are very much wide open. Now you're capable of standing up for yourself through knowing you actually DO have the right as well as the leg to stand on regarding "NOT HAVING IT!".

His behaviour is not husbandly behaviour....not even boyfriendly...not even brotherly....not even- in fact, the way he's been behaving you'd think he were your ENEMY! It's sadistic, issue-ridden tw*t behaviour (specifically - latent anger at whomever else now-unreachable + major insecurity and over-self-protectiveness). Susie put it more nicely, obviously has something against poor little puppies, LOL. Me, I'd say he POOS in your shoes. And not nicely firmly-formed little poo-plops that can be easily fished back out, either. We're talking Diarrhoea City (mmm, lovely!) whereby you have to bin those perfectly good, well-loved shoes.

You've said it yourself: you can't live like that. WHO COULD!!!

Here are some prime examples of where you've been going wrong:

1. "After our row I stormed out and [stayed] with my parents.

HALF-TICK, HALF-CROSS! He was the transgressor (why should *you* have to suffer major inconvenience for his sins?). YES, you boot out. But you boot HIM out...make HIM have to stay with your parents (- now there'd be a punishment he'd never forget, eh! ;-))

2. "We made up soon after".

CROSS! You don't make up like he's already corrected his behaviour, just because he's flapped his seemingly apologetic and willing-to-cooperate lips around a bit... you go cooler, despite still SOUNDING warm, albeit more formal ("More tea, Vicar?...yes, lovely weather, indeed - must dash!") and seek interaction noticeably, possibly alarmingly, less - the message being, "UGH, I AM DISTINCTLY UNIMPRESSED!". You, the woman, effectively (by nature of all mouth and no or inappropriate action) go, 'Boo-hooo, why are you being so meeean to meeee?' and you've lost automatically because only the weak and helpless make such powerless and defeated noises at the very first hurdle. So practise now in the mirror: "UGH, UNCLEAN, YUCK, YOU'VE TURNED ME *RIGHT* OFF YOU, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME UNTIL YOU PROVE YOU CAN BEHAVE YOURSELF, BLEUGH!" (shaming and deprivation).

3. "and one Saturday I thought I'd do a good deed and clean his car. "

CROSS! He hadn't even remotely *earned* that favour! Quite the distinct opposite [understatement]! Frankly, although you'd have gone down for it - normal, decent people would at least have understood if you'd set fire to the damn thing!

4. Coming on here/seeking help (late rather than never).

TICK!

You effectively reward a bloke - just because he made all the right noises and told you whatever he could see you wanted and needed to hear (just to there and then shut you up) and, you went and bought it - and, what lazy-minded or manipulative, cat-kicking, stupid-agenda-implementing man *wouldn't* repeat (or even crank up) that sort of nonsense again and again (whereby, now, "you are here"). Also - HOW COME HE LEFT INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE WHERE YOU COULD TOO EASILY FIND IT (because - you did) EACH AND EVERY TIME? What - you think he's so retarded he doesn't know how to keep low-down dirty behaviour a secret? I presume he manages to hold down a full-time, permanent job without getting fired every few months? There you go, then - not a retard, just PLAYING retard (in other words, oh yes he DOES know what he's doing is wrong!). Furthermore, and more to the nucleic point - why is he almost constantly trying to wind you up and get your (over-) attention? Obviously, it's NOT a case of wanting to trade you in for another model or what-not because, otherwise, why hasn't he just ended it with you yet? *Actions!* YES, he in the process gets to have his cake and eat it (security of a relationship whilst simultaneously getting to self-titillate/gratify and/or behave like a singleton) - that's just a side-bonus. I'm talking, the actual REASON.

He's a massive, massive attention-seeker and (ego-on-legs merchant) punisher/revenge-seeker. To point of maritally antisocial, verging on anti-social itself.

But what always proves the distinction between normal idiot and (again, maritally-speaking) actual anti-social self-saboteur, is THE DEGREE. So by all means try to be more firm and resolute from now on in what you demand - in terms of befitting treatment and behaviour from a husband to his supposed Numero Uno - and see what, if anything, results. But if trying to consistently (- note) re-train him proves futile or, god forbid, just EXACERBATES things, you're going to have to ask yourself whether you somehow managed to get embroiled with a man with the sort of serious mental or emotional issue(s) (or over-immaturity to the same seriousness of extent) as might well constitute your actual Personality Disorder of whatever kind.... whereby quitting him/the relatonship has now become clear as being the STRONG rather than weak and flaky thing to do.

You're not 'not good enough' for him, you're TOO good for him (whether truly or just his self-disrespecting opinion). Hence, almost right from the start he's been mounting a consistent campaign to drag you down to where you have less or zero confidence for standing up to him and getting things done/conducted to your liking and/or to his own level. Master-Servanting you, in other words.

So, no. You've not been 'over-reacting', you've been UNDER-reacting as well as (whenever you have) reacting in the wrong and ineffectual ways. And for too long.

But an ever-lessening period of grieving might well be the easier option, not to mention in the long run, is what Susie was trying to say to you. However, the self-sensible thing to do (like you're conceding) if you're a very deep attacher and/or cautious type, is to try counselling first.

PS: De nada!, and feel free to report or enquire back any time you like/need. :-)

Trust issues
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Aug 20 2016 at 16:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Sorry - should have read, 'Fuh-fuh..fuh-fuh-FEEL FREE to re-re..report back any tuh-time you like/a-buh-buh-duh-buh NEED!'.

Yours,

Porky Pig.

;-D)

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