Can a never-ending relationship come to an end?
Two years ago Iâve had incredible, earthshaking sex with a married man. The very next thing he did was to disappear. The problem is, he is a big part of my life since he is my very first lover, weâve known each other for 20 years now. When we were young we split up but never stopped seeing each other, although we had relationships with different people. He once told me that all the other came and went, but I was the actual long lasting relationship in his life. Funny thing is, I felt the same way. At one point he developed a heroine addiction but rehabilitated rather fast. These years were the only period of time that we had not contacted at all. We had both made attempts to be together before or after that, but the timing was never right. The truth is, I had always been crazy in love with him, but he was the âdangerousâ guy that every âgoodâ girl should avoid â I was afraid that I was so vulnerable to him, that I would not be able to protect myself. He had once told me that I was âtoo good for himâ - I never felt like that. The thing is, I could not cultivate a deep relationship with any other man because my heart belonged to him. So I thought that the right man for me would be the one that would make me forget him.
I was lucky enough to meet a man like that and we got married. When my ex found out was really upset. My twins came 11 months after my wedding and he told me that I shouldnât have babies so fast. Then he met a nice girl and got engaged. The couple was really funny, cause heâs always been the bad guy and the girl, much younger, not so pretty and deeply religious. Plus he was a regular marijuana smoker, about which she had no clue. She also had no idea about his past with addictions. For several years we did not communicate, we live in different countries anyway. But we bumped into each other on the street in our hometown on some Christmas holiday, so we started communicating and actually met for a coffee a couple of times. For two years we contacted every day, he sent me songs and little stickers with bears and hearts and stuff and I really, really fell for him so deeply I thought I would lose my mind. Two years ago we met and had epic sex. I did realise that it was more than physical contact what I wanted. While talking I told him about the play âsame time, next yearâ, where the couple meet up once in a year for their whole life and he said that it was a great idea, he was actually talking about the dates that might be convienient. What happened next was that he said that he was feeling guilty and he started avoiding me. He organized a class reunion and begged our old schoolmates to invite me too. I never went, I was too afraid that everybody would see what was going on. It would be unbearable having people gossiping behind my back. I was mad that he didnât want to see me alone, so I deleted him from my facebook friendlist.
What I did was write him a letter when he left, saying that I wanted to see him from time with no further commitments. He god mad because he was afraid his wife might find it, told me that we would talk about it with me in the future and stopped contacting me. He said that he had other problems, I think his wife found out about his pot addiction and he was trying to quit. Itâs been two years since. He never contacted me. I send him a text message from time to time, to make sure heâs OK. He always answers, but never starts a convesration and his answers are extremely short. I am afraid he might think that I am a crazy lady stalking him (I did delete his wife from my FB friendlist, thought, no matter how betraying this was), but I do miss him so much. Is there any hope that he wants me, too, that heâs thinking of me, that he will contact me? Why has he left me? My heart is hurting. I know I have to let him go, but I canât, he knows me so much better and deeper than anybody else, he has known a part of me I have forgotten it ever existed and this long forgotten âmeâ is so exciting and fresh and beautiful and charming. I love his smell, his taste. I want him back. I only want small intervals of him, which is what I always had. Why doesn't he want me? How can I win him back? What should I do?
I think you've become too big a complication for this man. He has a life without you and you would threaten it. For your sake, and I know this will be difficult, you should try to move-on. I don't think you'll never be better than second best to him.
I thought so myself. What really hurts is "I'll never be better than second best to him". It's so difficult to diggest. Thank you.
Unrequited love is a bear. You typed out quite a page explaining what you wanted, and how you would be willing to deal with a small portion of it. But Tina, its easy to see that aint the case, and i think you know that to.
Sometimes we love people so deeply it hurts, but they dont in return. I have a personal case along these exact line(dang near word for word oddly enough, just younger than you), and ive found that even though the Truth breaks things down, makes folks see things for what they are, i cant solve that one. Love isnt solvable, its not a mathematic equation, or a science question. Its so much more than that.
Cant tell a person how to feel, and sometimes it dont change, despite the years. Being the bigger person is normally the only option. Sucks, it hurts, and can be devastating, but love is all those things.
Stop kidding yourself, if you only wanted small intervals, we wouldnt be having this conversation. You think about him, you dream about him.
Im sorry Tina, but the Truth has no hard answers for you. Welcome to the human condition. Wish i could help more, and maybe i can, but subject at hand, im up against the wall.