PeoplesProblems Logo

Should I continue?

Default profile image
Long Distance Relationship advice in a relationship whereby he doesn't appreciate me,been dating more than a year now but yet he hasn't bought a single thing for me,he keeps promising and failing,his attention has drastically reduced,sometimes when I call he says he is busy ,sometimes he doesn't call me at all,am d kind of person that wants to feel love even when am going through a lot(I av sickle cell anaemia) and the relationship is a distance one I love him and I know he loves me in his own way or am I asking for too much what do I do pls.

Should I continue?

Default profile image
You're *not* in a relationship - sorry. You've been being dated casually for a year+ (which even lesser model itself has been getting increasingly shrunk down/stripped to its bones). If you and he were in a romantic relationship in the PROPER, widely-understood sense of the word (and a whole year is ample time in which to make ones mind up then make a start) then you wouldn't have that whole list of legitimate complaints about what in fact are STANDARD, FUNDAMENTAL provisions missing/absent. After all, to what must you be comparing his behaviour in order to KNOW this one's not cutting the mustard, if not an environmentally-gleaned, mental model of any normal, healthy, ready and able adult male who sees it that he's some woman's steady, committed boyfriend (optimally with a view to future relationship promotion(s))?

So you've answered your own question in the asking, haven't you. No, you're not asking (whether per se or in terms of amount(s)) for anything unrealistic, un-achievable, non-rightful, etc. But clearly you are asking for those bog-standards from an individual that's either incapable of providing them or doesn't want to or is incapable/doesn't want to WITH YOU (not sufficiently his cup of tea, candle insufficiently light-able...nobody's control, nobody's fault, just not very compatible chemistry). Maybe whatever proportion of all three, going by the above evidence.

So if we can't claim you have matching chemistry as produces the requisite alchemy as provides the normal urges SIMULTANEOUSLY/MUTUALLY, then what DO you have - you, yourself? Need? Romantic Relationship Non-Specific needs?

Back to him: So his 'own way' is - compared to the healthier norm - utter PANTS and you could do so much better. Worse, from what anyone can gather, is how he was never - in all this time, NOT EVEN ONCE - honest with you about how far (or rather, NOT far) up the bonding path he'd be wanting you and he to go...and that part *is* his fault. And yours for having let him.

So here's you, having been waiting for whilst attempting in all manner of ways to encourage further steps forwards/up - the normal route and trajectory - and there's he, having started out FROM THE WORD GO dragging his feet and now at this distinctly further point reversing the damn things (back to Very Casual Daters, practically mere Acquaintanceship).

Loves? You have to BOND to love. And that takes certain buttons being pushed and levers pulled, i.e. doing a number of things in a moreover set, natural order as include the very fundamentals you're listing as absent as well as never present ['scuse pun]. It includes BOTH parties on equal terms, not least in regards to equal satisfaction from the whole give-and-receive dance, as a working mechanism. So his own way is this: (mouth) "blah-blah-blah-love-you-no-really-I-do-blah-blah", (feet) "don't, actually, but you *are* convenient for taking out of the toy-box whenever I (baby) have nothing (and nobody) better to do, particularly as you believe my hot air despite the ACTUAL EVIDENCE via my feet, hence keep yourself warm & waiting for me on the side for whenever *I* - not you - click *my* fingers to signal *I* fancy coming out to play as gets *you*, not me, doing all the running in my direction to-suit". *That's* what he 'loves', not you. The convenience.

But yet - how much can he still love that convenience if he's less and less making use of even THAT?

And how can you love HIM if your buttons and levers as TRIGGER that psychological state were never pushed and pulled? Again - pre-existing, non-associative needs? Did some idiot once tell or communicate to you that having sickle-cell anaemia somehow makes you less worthy of an amazing relationship than the next female human being? Or - by the same token - did you think he'd be convenient for *you* because part-time convenience was all you deserved?

Short version: What you're asking for and expecting is not too much given what you have a Nature-given right to. But it obviously is when the person you're asking and pinning expectations on is HIM. And there's no point, even, in trying even rightful and acceptable forms of manipulation (say, by playing it cooler, cannier and harder-to-get) because all you'd be doing would be 'come hither'-ing to his EGO (challenge + fear of rejection)...so once his ego were sated he'd be off and unavailable and elusive again. Were there any LOVE in there, rather than him gaining selfish ego-plumping whenever the mood strikes him (and half a pencil isn't "a pencil", particularly if you've only the non-leaded half - it's just a stick) then we wouldn't be having this conversation to begin with...you'd be saying he 'USED to treat me like a princess but now etc..., what do I do?'.

So - edit: He's always treated me like a convenient, free-of-charge emotional or physical prostitute (which I thought was okay as a start and anyway would improve), despite denied or tried to counter with his mere mouth - what do I do?

What you "do" is first sort out in your mind what you hand-on-heart want and then go to the shops to get it, putting this current 'incomplete ingredients pack' in the bin where it belongs. If you 'ideally' want a half or quarter recipe pack but the manufacturers and shops don't make/sell that mini-size, then you're either going to have to forego the goods and end product entirely or concede defeat (for the sake of longer-term victory) by buying the *standard* size. Either Or. As you can now appreciate, when you try to mini-size something yourself and/or let someone else rip the pack in two, you end up lacking what in fact were vital ingredients and the so-called Love Pie won't rise and ends up as useless, non-nutritious MUSH.

Obviously that break-down is going to however much sting (soz). But does it help?

Should I continue?

Default profile image
Thanks it helped.....I deserve better than what he is offering I know I will find who will love me more than I deserve

Should I continue?

Default profile image
Excellent. Good for you, and yes you do, and yes you absolutely will!

Feel free to hook back up with this thread of yours if ever you need it again. :-)

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2