I came across this page yesterday when I was feeling really down. My mum has been having some problems in her speech and in one leg and the neurologist wanted a head tomography. We already know something is wrong, because they saw smth on it, but not sure what it is exactly since they did use contrast this time. They'll have to repeat it.
I feel very lonely, even though I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and we are close, but my dad died in january, and one of my brothers almost died of a ruptured aneurism. My dad died of a brain tumor, so everything related to the brain... now that i'm saying/writing it out loud i'm thinking... what are the odds... anyway.
Ok, this is a long and very international story, I hope you guys don't get bored.
I got married 7 years ago. I met my husband online, through a web page we both used. It was not my intention to have a long distance relationship, but it evolved slowly into one. He was living in Germany at the time, but was originally from Chile. He has dual citizenship and went to Germany to learn german and to make an attempt to get a scholarship for a masters degree. I was living in Uruguay, a little quiet country between Brasil and Argentina in South America. As I mentioned before, our relationship online evolved to the point that he came to meet me from Germany. We were both pretty scared, and it was odd at first, but we got along and started to really care for each other.
He went back to germany and eventually moved to Spain when he finally got the scholarship for a masters degree in neuroscience.
He came visit from Spain a couple of times afterwards, but I was not sure If I should continue with the relationship because he was being too jealous and possessive. I decided to give it a try, since I didn't want to regret afterwards what could have been and we got married. I decided to leave my whole world, job, family, friends, and move to spain with him after only 2 years of online relationship and seeing him in person 3 times for a month period. I was 33 years old at the time. It was a bet, and it went well. We lived happily in Barcelona for 4 years, traveled a LOT all over europe, and I came home to visit every year. He did his master's and after that a PHD. Then the economic crisis started in Europe and all the funds for research started to be scarce. He was out of a job, and I had a better one and was happy. He started to apply to other positions in Europe and In the States. He finally got a response from Yale University and after discussing it with me accepted the position.
I then once again agreed on leaving my friends, my job, and the beautiful place we lived in, 3 blocks from the mediterranean sea to go to the states with him. And yes, it was once again my decision.
He left Europe in december 2012, I left in april 2013, I was wrapping things up in my job and in my life.
He came to Spain to help me move and I entered USA for the first time in my life through JFK airport. It was just like getting into a movie. At first I was excited, everything was new, and familiar at the same time. Time went by and I couldn't get a job. I had a type of visa that allowed me to work, but the company had to sponsor me. Living in a small city didn't help either and I started to get depressed. It was like that for a couple of years and it took a toll on our relationship. He also didn't like his research and wanted out, so he got an offer from a university in Boston and asked me if he should accept it.
Now here comes the issue
I never said no to him, because I think he should be able to do what he wanted with his life, we all should. We have no children, we don't depend on each other financially, I was out of a job, but I found one a week ago in my home country. Our relationship was always based on our wish to stay together and the love we have for each other. I don't want somebody staying with me out of necessity. I know I am so much happier with him around, he is such a great guy in almost every aspect. But I can't keep following him around, and I don't know If I should keep waiting for him to want to settle.
Last year, by the end of the year I returned home, and everything started to fall apart in my family, almost as if they were waiting for me to come to say their proper goodbyes or smth. And he is not here. And he recently told me he will probably not be able to wrap things up until december 2018 to come join me. We would be able to see each other up to 3 or 4 times a year for short periods of time (it's a long and expensive trip) and I don't know if that's enough for us not to become strangers and start slowly to move on with our lives separately.
So I think my point is, should I give him an ultimatum and move on with my life, or should I wait for him to decide to stay at one place for good?
Thank you already if you managed to read this long story, I think It already helped me to have written it.
I just heard from my sister.... my mum has a brain tumor also...
Just bumping you up to the top of the board for tonight or tomorrow. Not sure how it happened but you seem to have slipped down the board and missed getting a response. Sorry about that. I'd tend to you myself right now, only here in UK it's very late so I'll either give one of our regulars or visitors the opportunity to start the ball rolling overnight or, if not, will myself make you my first port of call tomorrow.
Please bear with and hold tight? Thanks. And again - apologies that you've had to wait.
The up-side, on the other hand, is that we now all owe you an extra big effort.
Before I go, though: about your mum:
(We'll talk more about it tomorrow.)
Hi= I think the slow move away has begun. Long distance marriages are always problematic, but his lack of support and consideration of you is nonexistence- It's ALl ABOUT HIM. So yes it's ultimatum time-and the only choice is YOU! Remind him that you signed up to be married, not a long distance fling. Ask him where is your support knowing what you're going through? Is he willing to sacrifice for you as you did for him?
Hi there, thank you for answering!
I haven't talked to him since Thursday, because we had an argument. It was when I asked him directly when would he be ready to join me and he said December 2018, and it broke my heart, cause I thought it'd be sometime around August next year.
I know he's probably sad right now, he sent me a message asking me if he could talk to me, but I'd rather not since I'm mad at him and don't want to say hurtful things.
I know I've been making sacrifices to be with him, but all of them were my decision, I'm an adult, and I can't blame him for those.
I can only decide what I want from now on, and live up to it.
But with everything that's happening in my life right now I think it'll be wiser if I delay that decision... I don't have the energy to think of anything else than my mum and the new job that I need to start next week, probably not in the best conditions.
My mum is still in the hospital, I am traveling tonight to be with her this week until I start working and see how everything develops.
The doctors need more tests to know what kind of tumor it is and how to proceed with treatment, if there is any.
I am pessimistic right now, after what happened to my dad I don't want to build false hope...
I'll keep you guys posted, thank you again for answering!
(Nice one, SG! Big effort, succinctly put.
What you had was not a marriage (if you ain't got a proper one, you ain't got one full-stop, not unless BOTH OF YOU, EQUALLY, love the weak attachment and arrangement and wouldn't even want the full shebang were offered on a plate). For starters, husbands, unless they absolutely 100% HAVE to (i.e. gun to head) don't want to live separately from their wives AKA LIFE- AND BED-SHARERS, (you could get preyed on and stolen by any charmer-cuckolder getting a whiff from your vibes, of your sense of neglect and sexual frustration). And two, Yings don't bust so woefully little gut that they 'visit' their own Yangs, let alone only 'a couple of times'. I don't care HOW busy they are, they either MAKE time or beseech you to death to come visit THEM - AT THEIR EXPENSE. AND NEVER LEAVE. Because it's in THEIR interests as equally as yours.
This was a poster marriage. 'Look at my wife, look at my single life. I'm eating my cake yet getting to simultaneously keep my cake.'
And what did *you* get? A seriously disrupted/delayed/missing career, dependable social network and secure nest. And for WHAT? He doesn't even financially support or enhance you like would/should a husband (- I don't give a sh*t about modern-day habits when the original, primitive wiring running this show compels a healthy male to still do that part of the dance)!
Were you too used to being neglected? Is that why you feel 'lonely despite' having not one, not two, not three, but FOUR siblings?...only ONE of which has rung you to share shock and grief about the latest parental development? What's your definition of 'close? Meeting regularly yet infrequently to small-talk (because on each occasion you never have opportunities to go beyond catching-up on superficial news and developments)?
'Close' means you can ring them at 3-o-clock in the morning because you can't sleep for being upset, which they wouldn't have any other way (and vice versa). So did you, do you think, choose an already distant (in both senses of the word) lover so that he wouldn't/couldn't create an unflattering contrast when mentally stood up against your family or siblings, whereby you could finally see and finally have to deal with it (before you were ready to)?
FINE if he were very jealous and possessive. You WANT that, in fact (because then when they naturally relax down a couple of notches they're still left very much in keen and attentive mode, this time handle-able). But to not want to take measures to put paid to the reason(s) for it, particularly when those are of his own making, smacks of protecting his own interests ONLY and, worse, via YOU - by making YOU make adjustments as then constitute you being made to pander to his cake-and-eat-it-itis. In other words, he's the teen star and you're the self-sacrificing mum.
Was it originally a bet - or an escape hatch, to somewhere you wouldn't become immediately foie-gras-ed, through which you could adapt gradually to greater intimacy than used to with your own family? I.e. baby steps to more satisfying human intimacy? But where those too quickly came to a cul-de-sac rather than a wide-open field of gold?
Who's failing to do any ringing or chasing after a currently much-needed sense of 'safety/security in numbers'? You? Or your siblings? And who told that sister? One of the other siblings or your mum? Was your leaving the nest so extremely in terms of geographical distance the chicken or the egg? How come they didn't stop you? Did they even try?
Whatever the case, you've seemingly been rudely awakened to the possibility, no matter how remote/unrealistic/insecurity-plus-over-imagination-based, of a premature death, meaning, life is - newly especially - too short to 'put up and shut up'. Methinks you're intending to tackle your husband, with a view to improving or dispensing, so that you have the practise and confidence in readiness of taking issue head-on with your first pack. Is that right? If so, are you even aware it's the case?
He's dispensible (his own fault, needn't have been), they're not...or not supposed to be. You don't first-ever practise on the real deal, the (presumed) 'keepers', do you.
Maybe he was 'too jealous and possessive' because he knew how p*ss-easy it was, in that set-up, to dabble romantically with A. N. Other(s) so 'why wouldn't *SHE*'? (Just a possibility.)
I suppose if at the back of your mind there had been even the merest possibility of time proving him to secretly be a chocolate teapot, you always had practising 'ostracising your pack' - using him as a crash-test dummy - as your remaining option, didn't you (- fairenoughski...you've got to get *something* instantly show-able for all your trouble and self-sacrifice - right)?
What do you suppose will happen if - IF - what with your dad gone already, your mum's tumour can't be killed or kept dormant? Do you think you and your siblings will band up tighter together? Or looser - to where you think, 'You lot are PANTS (and actually, if I'm honest, always were) so I obviously need you lot like I need a hole in the head!'?
My money's on the latter. Here's (glaringly) (to me, anyway) why: "I hope you guys don't get bored." [and quit on me before time....LIKE *THEY'VE* ALWAYS DONE.] It was a handful of paragraphs, not War & Peace.
Correct me if I'm wrong. But you don't - if you've come from a brilliant pack - opt to enter a sh*t one, least of all when it means moving XXX miles away from the former as well as everything else you're familiar and comfortable with, do you. (At a time like this you should at that point have just heard from ALL OF THEM, not just the one sister as messenger, shouldn't you?)
Food for thought?
Try putting your foot firmly down first, though, like SG suggests.
OK, I think I didn't explain myself correctly regarding the situation with my siblings. We are ALL dealing with this situation, the sister I mentioned is the one that lives in the same city my mum does, that's why she was the one to refer to primarily. I needed to do smth today, but I'm travelling tonight to be with my mum, and we decided with my other sister, that she'll go next week so there's always somebody extra to help. My brother is going on Wednesday and the only one that's not going for now, is the one that got a surgery (he also has an autistic child, so it's very complicated).
We are close, even "3am call" close, if necessary. We care about each other, and I am very much grateful to have them in my life, I don't even want to imagine how difficult it could be for a single child to go through this saying goodbye to your parents time.
That being said, we were never too affectionate towards each other, my parent were neither. I get along with some of them more than others, but love them equally.
As I mentioned before i'm still not talking to my husband, but responded to a message he sent saying that I didn't want to talk to him because I resented him leaving me alone in a situation like this (He went to a barbecue with some of our friends, probably got drunk and didn't pay much attention to me or the situation, or so I felt), and I would not talk to him until I felt I could be coherent.
I have to say also that we tend to rationalize a lot, and not let ourselves get carried away by our feelings when it comes to important decisions in life. But yes, I think I've come to a point when I realized anything can happen at any moment to anybody and it's not worthy to put your life on hold.
I also guess he is too sure I will be with him, he knows I love him, of course, but he is taking me for granted. I have to mention after moving to Spain I gained some weight and my self esteem in very low now, much different to what it was before the wedding.
I intend to change that fast. I am ready to start loosing weight and meeting new friends, and honestly I have no idea if that will lead to meeting someone else.(of course this could happen to him too).
So anyways, thank you for writing, it's been helping me to say these things to you guys and hearing your comments back.
"I don't even want to imagine how difficult it could be for a single child to go through this saying goodbye to your parents time."
I get your gist but in actual fact, only children tend to grow up aware, in the back of their minds, that they have this invisible deadline (particularly with late-developing parents) so tend to settle down early or at least in plenty of time, thereby relying on their spouses and close friends to offer them support through it. Plus they're used to being an only and relying on themselves that way. What's worse is when you do have siblings yet feel you may as well not. Glad that's not altogether your case.
"That being said, we were never too affectionate towards each other, my parent were neither."
So - the neglect was on the physical side, not mental. (It's a two sided coin.) Do I take it, then, that husband is at least affectionate physically? Was that what you were following from pillar to post? Or is he
"As I mentioned before i'm still not talking to my husband, but responded to a message he sent saying that I didn't want to talk to him because I resented him leaving me alone in a situation like this (He went to a barbecue with some of our friends, probably got drunk and didn't pay much attention to me or the situation, or so I felt), and I would not talk to him until I felt I could be coherent."
Good grief (- yeah, mate, don't worry about your woman, you just go and have a right ol' knees-up!). I think he's getting off quite lightly if all you're doing right now is not really talking to him. Face it - he's acting like he barely gives a sh*t. That's not right. And unless he's a picnic short of a picnic, he must KNOW it isn't.
"I also guess he is too sure I will be with him, he knows I love him, of course, but he is taking me for granted. I have to mention after moving to Spain I gained some weight and my self esteem in very low now, much different to what it was before the wedding."
Frankly, reading your whole history, I'd say he's taken taking for granted to a new level! PS: I wouldn't blame your weight gain because that's the egg, not the chicken. But...
"I intend to change that fast. I am ready to start loosing weight and meeting new friends, and honestly I have no idea if that will lead to meeting someone else.(of course this could happen to him too)."
...if you think mere, reversible weight gain or, again reversible, lack of proper emotional involvement can deflate your your ego followed by attacking your self-esteem, you want to try sequestering yourself for-life as 'one of those low-down, dirty, cheating b***ards' - THEN you'd know all about it!
*Don't do it to yourself*, in other words. There's no point anyway. If you're, as we speak, open to meeting someone else then that says it all regarding how 'over' this relationship already is (unsurprisingly, given how little he's fed and watered the pot plant on one side). You're going to either need to ultimatum for greater mental involvement, aided by counselling and basically both putting in a concerted effort to bring the relationship more in line with its status label, or call it a day (in which case, it's a good thing you two didn't produce kids).
But, yep, absolutely - one gets very real at a time like this. This is Reality Level 1, bringing anything less than that into instantly sharp relief. ...Because the simple truth is, MMAH, that one of the benefits of having forged a 'replacement pack' is that it's supposed to work to make saying goodbye to any, even primary, members of your old pack *far easier*.
Let us know if you have any more thoughts to bounce off of us or just feel free to pick this thread back up again anon.
Tsk - sorry - that should have read, '...or is he the opposite, i.e. what you were already used to and, you thought, comfortable with?'.
Thanks for answering.
Things haven't improved in any aspect. My mum's tumor has a very bad prognosis, she is going to die. Still not being able to speak properly with my husband... I'm too sad to write right now... but will in the future.
I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I hope at least that goes well...