First post ever here and new to website entirely. I just am feeling so lost and confused that I am looking for new eyes/ears to hear me out and hopefully give me new insight as I feel that my family/friends are probably tired of me going back and forth with my thoughts/problems.
To summarize: I have been having recurring doubts about my marriage, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I have been married three years. We dated for 1.5 before we married so have known each other for about 4.5 years. When I met my now husband, I had just spent about a year getting over someone. I was very in love with this last someone, but he was no good for me. He was going through a divorce and had alcohol abuse issues. I tried to help him, support him, but in the end I knew I needed to let him go or my life was going to be all too difficult staying in love with an addict. I was 25 at the time and had a big future ahead of me and as much as it sucked, I cut that man out of my life. For the next year I was getting over him and then came my husband. My husband was very opposite of my ex that I was getting over. He was reliable, trustworthy, honest - the opposite of what you get when dating an alcoholic basically. Things with my husband were never super "high" or super "low" when we were dating. Things were steady and just easy I guess. I started to have doubts when we were dating because I never really got butterflies with him. I never felt that euphoric high you get when falling in love. It just felt right and easy and so much more simpler than my relationship with my ex.
Fast forward a few months and my now husband proposed that I marry him. And even though I did have some of the above doubts about never feeling "super IN LOVE" & "BUTTERFLIES" & all of that cinematic drama I felt with my ex - I still said yes to getting married. I remember a few times mentioning to my friend, "Well I'm not super attracted to my soon to be husband but that's so shallow. I need to just look past that because everything else is great."
So we got married. Fast forward to about six months ago, and well our marriage had been going okay. Never really any fights but never really an amazing connected feeling either. We had been trying to have a baby for 1.5 years and even though we both checked out as A-Okay in the fertility clinic, we still weren't able to get pregnant. That added some stress to our marriage and our sex life. My husband also travels a lot for work so that also added stress when he'd be gone during the ovulation days. A different topic from fertility, but we also started leading separate lives. He wanted to hunt and fish a lot and when I had family obligations and whatnot, he would choose to go do his own thing over hanging out with me. We started to do almost everything separate. I didn't realize what all of this was leading up to when...
I went on a trip with friends and someone hit on me. ClichÃ© I know, but this was sort of the breaking point so I need to share it for people to get the whole scoop. This person has the same name as the ex I mentioned in the beginning of my post. I can't tell you how much that pulled on my heartstrings when I found out they had the same name. It brought up old wounds in me that I didn't know existed. It even went as far as me talking to a psychic, and the psychic guessed this person's name. She said it's been a name that has been prevalent in my life for a long time and will continue to be. She basically said this new guy and I had a very strong/soulmate like connection and that my husband and I did not.
Although it never went far sexually with this new guy, we did develop an emotional connection and did end up talking online for a couple of weeks before I shared this with my husband. I knew it was very wrong. I refused to be the person to have an affair. So I told my husband everything and told this person I met that we needed to not speak anymore. It hurt. It hurt my husband and his parents, it hurt the new guy, it hurt me. It all hurt. It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. This person and I developed a connection that I think I long for. I sometimes feel that the depth of the connection I have with my husband isn't as strong as it should be. If it was, why would I have even allowed for this to happen with this new guy?
My husband took a lot of responsibility for things even though I was the one that did something more "wrong" in the Marriage rulebook than he ever did. He apologized for not taking better care of himself (gaining weight, not dressing well), he apologized for leading a separate life and not spending more time with me. He took everything very well and made a lot of changes for the better. I should be very grateful. Which is the problem now in realtime-why am I still dumb? Why am I not happy still? I want to be happy and in love with my husband, and I still have doubts. I still ask why didn't we have this "electricity" ever and why do I still struggle with being attracted to him and can't just let that go and be happy? I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND BE A GOOD WIFE. I don't want to give up on marriage. I don't want to keep thinking about this other man that I met even though I don't even speak to him anymore. Sometimes I dream about that person still. I want to dream about my husband. I don't know how to turn things off and turn other things off. I feel like things are not working the way they are supposed to. I am just this numb person. My husband no longer thinks I feel this way. He thinks that I'm completely over the other guy and totally invested in marriage. I wish it were true. I want it to be true.
Please help! I am looking for advice from people who have maybe had a similar experience. Will my happiness return to me? Will I feel in love again? Was I in love to begin with if I didn't feel the electricity that I felt with my ex and the new guy? We are young'ish (30) no kids. And sometimes it makes me wonder if we didn't get pregnant for a reason, that maybe we aren't meant to be together and that's why all of this happened the way it did. How can I have such a great spouse who tries to give me everything but still feel so numb? What is wrong with me?! I feel guilty for even having these thoughts. It feels like I am a terrible human being for having these thoughts.
DOGGIESAREBEST you can keep looking over the other side of the fence. Grass looks greener all the time. Till comes to point where you have to stop and look around you. Do you love your husband? If you really do then break your self of this desire of the other guy. Your husband changed for you,show some commitment.
Hello there, Well, for me the problem is you did not let go of your past love, you enter marriage without ending up good with your x, that is taunting your marriage life today. Sad to know about your situation, I also feel pity for your husband, he came to himself saying sorry for whatever happen to you, because of your living individually because of the nature of his work. You know you can never be happy with him, unless you let yourself to be called his wife, his partner, his woman. Let him feel your presence, without thinking anyone else. If you broke up with your marriage, time will come you realize all your decision in one point (regret is in the end) stop thinking about without having a baby then you we're not meant to be, no one knows if you're meant to be or not, it is GOD alone. If you wish have baby, fixed yourself up, instead of spending much thinking of your x lover and new lover, how bout spend time to do some personal care, like doing exercise eating healthy foods, it all helps. Don't give up, nor discourage about the man whom you married few years ago. For God alone will bless your life together with him. Always look up with the things he did for you... free yourself now and give yourself a chance to be your husband's wife. Pray above all of your married life, always lift it up to GOD. Let God be the center of everything in your marriage. God bless you