My girlfriend and animals issue. Help.
So I have a situation i would like some comments on. I have a gf (5months) a dog 8 yrs. he sleeps on my bed, but on the foot of the bed and on my side. ( causing no distribution to anyone) 3 months in after knowing this my gf flips out into rages, of uncontrollable anger, saying one time when the dog was laying next to me that thags her space he shouldn't be there. She's had horrible thoughts she said about the dog and me due to my not understanding of her rages bc the dog was not causing any disruption to our sleep. She later came at me saying its psychological and medical that she can't even have an animal on the bed when sleeping bc she can't sleep. She's also during this time attempted suicide numerous, admitted to hospital and has told me when she gets in these rages she has thoughts of hurting ppl cutting break lines , slitting throats and poisoning animals. Which totally freaks me out. It's a constant argument about the dog on the bed and she's said, if I don't move him she's leaving me. Not to mention she has trauma from a past relationship where her bf treated his dog better than her and she's compared me to him ( I can honestly say I'm not that type of guy, she's had my full love and I never once made that hierarchy or thought of it, she's been number one and my love for my dog is a different love ) I argue with her constantly bc I don't feel it's the dog and I'm scared of her words and behaviors and think it's much more tHan a dog. She can be nice as can be then not so nice when she's angry. She's said me moving the dog will show her she is priority bc I would show that I care about her medical issue. I'm made out to be the bad guy bc of this issue and guilt has been put upon me. I would just like some advice and thoughts on all of this...
Troubled waters my friend. Most folks with psychological issues never admit it, even after being aware of it, very few use it as leverage. Using it as leverage is proof of intention. Im guessing she checks your phone and internet activity, whether you know it or not. Probably follows you, whether you know it or not.
She needs help. Being jealous of something current, or from a past life is normal, but this isnt healthy for either of you, regardless if its a dog, a picture, a pillow or a song...ive seen all the above cause problems.
The sudden snap from cool to angry is a warning flag. The issue may run deeper than you might think. If your open to counseling, it may help her with it.
"and poisoning animals."
How nice and helpful of her to tell you that. What with you having a dog and her having an issue with your dog, you'd think she'd stay away from saying anything alarming like that - for obvious reasons. In case you panicked and dumped her.
So she must be really desperate by now.
It's also a test ("do you still want me, even when I saaaay...THIS!"
. BUT... she's testing too much/too far...dealing with things in the wrong way. To point of bordering on unhealthy/not fit for a relationship. Because she's got a deflated ego and is looking for the easy option in terms of something with which to pump it back up, quick. So if she can crash through almighty barriers yet see you NOT give her a verbal warning or fire her there and then, what would that tell her? It would tell her that [a] you must be desperate (as desperate as her) and [b] that THIS time/THIS relationship, she gets to be Master, not Servant like before.
And that - because relationships are supposed to be a see-saw - overall equal status and rights, weight-for-weight - and don't/can't last if not - is what makes her insufficiently recovered to be a fit relationship partner. She hasn't reflected, assimilated and adjusted sufficiently to where that epiphany ("Equality!"
Saying that, you're hardly beyond criticism yourself when-... why DO you insist on retaining a singleton habit despite now no longer single, as means things, habits included, should alter to-suit, despite knowing your new gf can't hack having a dog in the bed and is being made miserable/desperate/seriously hurt=enraged-to-point-of-out-of-order by it? Where's you reporting that you at least asked her if cutting the dog out HALF the time would help (and at least show willing as demonstrates love)? Answer: nowhere.
If the love for the dog, quote, is a different love then what the heck are you doing treating it, via your human bed, like it's the SAME love? Or do you and she tend to cuddle up and/or have sex in the dog basket???
Like Attracts Like. Are YOU trying to be more Master than Servant this time round as well? If you'd been a gentleman about it, if you'd wanted a relationship truly as much as this current, forum help-requesting action of yours suggests (or is it justification and ammo?), then - surely you'd have accommodated her actually very simple need despite the fact she didn't (didn't dare) open her mouth about it much earlier on, hence here's you thinking it must be BS or a case of mountain out of mole hill?
Strictly-speaking unsuitably recovered for a romantic relationship she may be. But that doesn't mean she hasn't highlighted a tendency of yours to be selfish/stubborn and non-befittingly unaccommodating to point of wanting to have it both ways (dog *and* woman in the bed-sharer role). I mean, what if you'd had a four-year-old daughter and had always let the daughter sleep in your bed? Would you seriously have expected any new beau to put up with having the daughter in your relationship bed with you both? You wouldn't, would you. See what I'm saying? So I don't even think someone who's not a dog- or just plain animal-lover to your indulgent extent even NEEDS a medical issue as their reason for not liking sharing the nest with a third living entity. They do if you've shown you won't take their complaint seriously, though, eh.
But I agree with TT that this isn't really about the dog, not really. It's about what gets expressed/demonstrated via the topic of The Dog (Sharing the Human Bed-stroke-Sex Nest). It's about you and she having entered the power struggle phase of your relationship...and that phase getting conducted by two still-wounded, still over-sensitive, -reactive, -defensive soldiers, both of whom had to OVER-accommodate during their last relationship and now therefore loath to see themselves bend over backwards all over again ('in case it leads back to unhappy Servantedville'
. Well, relationship success relies on both parties *compromising* - a demonstration in motion of a sense of equality irrespective of the respective danglies you each happened to have been born with...which needn't be simultaneous tit for tat and can instead be 'you can have you way over this if I can have my way over that / deal! / deal!'.
Try it, Sam-I-Am, you might like it.
Beds are for sleepers and lovers. Bed-baskets are for dogs (usually situated in the kitchen, I should add). Hardly rocket science. Well - is it?
What would you do if she decided she's actually NOT that locked-in by the heart (or b*gger if she is, or isn't now, thanks to your constant, passive-style insult having inexorably kicked the attachment helpfully weaker) and dumps you? I mean, clearly she's right at the end of her tether with this...this proof you *don't* value your relationship with her more than with a dog - wouldn't you say? Are you seriously telling me you'd risk choosing sleeping nightly with a dog over sleeping with potentially a human soulmate, or, come the dumping, feel perfectly consoled and compensated to point of unaffected/skip still in your step because at least you still had a dog to cuddle or presence-feel at night? Hardly.
She can't do anything about this (not even in-desperation histrionics is working!). But you can. The power is all yours. So you're using the wrong power-tool through which to assert your "authoritah", mate. The one that ends up drilling a hole THROUGH YOU, simply *via* her. That's not authority or power-and-responsibility, that's weakness in the form of rigidity and surreptitious self-harm. Neither you nor the dog are going to self-combust on the spot at any point if you introduced it to a new nightly routine, even just half or three-quarters of the time. Same can't be said for your relationship.
How daily happy and balanced is that dog going to feel if you, it's 'parent', is left to go through yet another bout of serious grieving? What - seeing your miserable face and soaking up your miserable vibes day-in-day-out is going to see it in a happy, bouncy mood, is it? Or is it going to have it sensing some pack threat somewhere it can't capably discern?
Be a gentleman AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
PS: forgot to add something. Something vital (presumably):
""and poisoning animals."
How nice and helpful of her to tell you that. What with you having a dog and her having an issue with your dog, you'd think she'd stay away from saying anything alarming like that - for obvious reasons. In case you panicked and dumped her."
It's called, 'For the sake of my sanity I need out of this seemingly insufficiently loving relationship (because I know where that leads), however, I can't bring myself to do it so - YOU do it!...Here, let me help you by doing an impression of a woman suffering sociopathy'. So by my calculations, you've got about one month left - if that - before she finds the courage to do it herself in the more normal, calm, reasonable, i.e. resigned, way.
To "The Truth", do you have an email address I can personally contact you on? You seem to have some great advice and I'd like to run something (that I don't want to post publicly) by you. Can someone pass this on to "The Truth" responder.
Sorry, KK2700, but such requests and acts are strictly prohibited on this forum (comes under poster protection), I'm afraid.
Please rest assured, however, that if you keep your thread posts free from all personally identificatory data (names and places) then it's impossible for anyone to work out who and where you are in the world - for the simple reasons that human issues aren't anywhere near unique, despite they feel such at the time, and this forum is accessible to anyone anywhere on the planet with a computer/device. If you'd like to take a stroll through the archives (by thread category), you'll see what I mean and might well even be able to find what could be said to sound remarkably like 'your story' in someone else's thread.
Frankly, though, if one isn't ready to take that leap it usually means one isn't 'ripe' enough for help and self-help full-stop, because it denotes the presence of an over-blown sense of social inhibition as has a significant bearing on ones ability to function optimally in whatever life arena of an interpersonal nature. Also (ref pp), we only have your word that you're a fellow female poster. For all anyone knows, you could be a serial killer or what-not, *posing* as a poster needing one-on-one advice but in reality intending to 'groom'.
Alternatively, there's the Chat Room option (top Green banner, fourth from right)?
Is chat down soulmate, cant get on?
never mind, got in.
Kitty, im on chat right now