How do I fix my marriage?
My husband and I have been together 17 years, married 13. We have two kids. He's a wonderful guy and great father. The problem is he started his own business a few years ago. It's in construction, so it can be stressful. The company has grown and he now has five employees. The problem is none of them drive (DUIs, no vehicle, etc.) so he does a lot of hauling them around.
Lately, while working on a big project, he's taken on a lot more stress, especially dealing with the guys. The problem is, he takes out is frustrations and stress out on us. He is not physically violent, but he is quick to anger and yell at us. He came home last week and got into a huge fight because there were toys all over (our younger child had been home sick for several days). He tells me it's not us, he's just stressed with work, but I'm tired of him yelling and getting angry with us. As a result, I'm more stressed around him and that causes me to snap at the kids.
In the past, whenever there have been issues, we've stuck through them and work together to improve things. At the moment, I really can't see that. I know he's tired, frustrated and feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but I really don't like feeling the way I do every day, or the way he reacts to the kids, especially our four-year-old son.
Any tips or suggestions are welcome. Thanks for listening.
Owning your own business is very stressful. I know it's hard to get good help - but ALL five of these workers are high maintenance?
Time for your husband to do some house-cleaning on his staff. He's got workers that drag him down, and it's starting stress in his personal life.
Tell him to take a day off and visit employment agencies and college campuses and post HELP WANTED signs; advertise in the paper and on grocery store bulletin boards. Get some more help, like a project manager, too.
Have a heart to heart with him about his business and how it can be run with less stress. Help him to know that he can't bring that negativity into the home, just because he's having a hard day at work.
There's always the option of HIM going to work for someone else, too. This stress is not worth his marriage and probably, his health.
Well if you seek counciling chances are you might be told to set aside time for your selves. I know your husband has a business. But for the sake of your marriage and family setting time aside might be something to try. Could he trust someone to run the business part time? I don't know if anyone else could add to this.
SUSIEDQQ ya beat me to the punch! I was just about to submit and bang ya beat me! Excellent advice though good job.
Your husband would do well to employ people who help themselves rather than rely on him to babysit them. He can't be successful in business if he needs to actually get them to and fro from work and it's starts right at the time when he chooses and employs people who can assist him to grow and manage his business. Good employees are an asset to their employer and good employees support their employer.
Just as he relies on you and you on him to be successful at your marriage, he now needs to realize that his business and his employees are basically the same. He can't do it all by himself just as neither of you can do it all by yourselves. He needs to realize that if doesn't have a choice in regards to the standard of his employees because of salary restrictions or the lack of skilled labor, then his business may not be worth it. He won't be the first to find out that a business sometimes isn't worth the effort, or the added stress, simply because quality employees are nowhere to be found. His stress levels affect everything; his health, his happiness, his marriage with you AND his relationship with his kids.
Your husband needs to understand that there's only one of him and you and your kids need him more than any business does. That being the case, if he wants to remain in business, then he owes to you and to himself to manage his business properly with the right people in the right positions to give him every chance of growing his business successfully and managing to remain that wonderful guy and great father at the same time.
Agree absolutely with all three advisers.
Here's the rub: if you allow him to come home and vent then what's happening is that he's getting to vent out the very build up of pressure that's meant to provide the very impetus for taking action to *improve* his day-to-day working life whereby his stress level goes back down again. So WHILE you're having to wait to have that heart to heart (or, alternatively, letter), I advise you to simply neither respond nor react to one single negative, unfair, anti-productive or ill-toned thing he says to you... treat him at such times like the invisible man but then react positively THE MINUTE he then addresses you positively. He'll join the dots (duh). And the dots say this: Just NO. I'm not having it. NOT EVER. Take it out on someone else [not literally] or DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING *TO* 'TAKE OUT'.
If he responds to your silence by pushing and pushing or even following you around from room to room to get a rise out of you so's to have that much-needed, highly cathartic 'punch-up', then you do have to retort - in which case it should be along this brief line: 'I'll answer you when you address me like your wife rather than your personal emotional punching-bag, END OF'.
AND NOT ONE WORD MORE, KEEP REPEATING IT OR EXIT THE ROOM IF YOU HAVE TO.
Thanks so much, everyone, for the replies. You all have some great advice. We typically have a very smooth relationship,but this incident really hurt.
I appreciate the time and effort everyone put into the replies. Thanks.
Yes, I imagine it's safe to say everyone who responded appreciated his behaviour was uncharacteristic of him. But then, the trouble is, so is him owning his own business/being under that much stress, isn't it? So it's fair to say that now he HAS bitten off more than he can chew and clearly isn't coping at all well with it, this new behaviour will continue...unless, as I say, you block him each and every time from taking it out on you and the kids so that it CAN'T become habitual. Nip it in the bud, in other words. And by 'it', I mean, him trying for pride's sake to hide how stressed and ready to blow he is in the first instance.
His trying to save manly face isn't working if it's leaking out onto you and the kids anyway, which makes his method futile (not to mention self-harmful in the long run). And you're not interested in any 'sorry, it's not you, it's mes', are you, if all he does afterwards is just goes and repeats the whole silly dance hours or days later. That's not sorry, that's 'let me do it and get away with it'.
If he needs you to be involved or lend your input towards lowering his stress levels then he has to learn to approach you NICELY to ask if he can talk it over with you - or even talk AT you (as in, audience) - so that he can feel better the more civilized, gentlemanly way. (And you can add that after your 'end of' if you like.) You wouldn't mind if it happened like that, would you. Because at least that way you'd be capable of failing to take it at all personally and letting it get to you like some stupid game of pass-the-rotten-parcel. As things stand, anyone would think you'd FORCED him to start his own company when he hadn't wanted to.
You'll be setting your kids a valuable example as well, which is, if ever any adult member of their future family is behaving anywhere between non-conducively and antisocially, relationship-wise, just because they've never learned to possess the humility, modesty (and let's not forget respect) to admit/share honestly and openly about the fact they're struggling with whatever of life's duresses, one should just take oneself away each time and refuse to engage.
Let us know how it goes?
We had a long talk and he agreed that it's not right of him to take out his stress on us. He's agreed to make a pit stop before coming home to release stress of the day before coming home. He also apologized to all of us for blowing up, and is working at not getting angry so quickly at us.
Thanks again to everyone for your advice. It's refreshing to hear opinions from people who don't know us and are not vested in a relationship with one or both of us.
Pit stop, MM? What sort? I do hope you're talking about his stopping off on his way home to take a brisk walk or jog around some local park rather than popping into a pub/bar every weekday evening for a couple of beers or shorts?
Oh, I should have clarified. He'll be stopping at the gym. We have a membership that's been neglected lately, and he feels, and I agree, that it'll help burn off stress.
Ahhhh great! Well it's all good then right Soulmate?
Yes, it is, Scopes - thanks for clarifying, MM. And yes, absolutely it'll 'burn off' stress. More to the point, though, was that he was the one to make the suggestion (tick!).