Moving out without him knowing
Ok, so I will disclose details that I think will be important. So prepare for a lengthy testimonial. So here goes. I am currently 21 years old have been in a realtionship for 5 years with my boyfriend, who is 4 years older than me . And well, I moved in with him 3 months into the relationship. To make this post as sbort as possible I will summarize this as best as possible. But I suck at summaries so no promises.
The first two years of this relationship he cheated on me with his ex of sorts. They weren't really together according to him but they lived together and she is also his bestfriend's mom. She is about 53 right now. Anyway, how do I know he cheated? Well first he had no intention on telling me she was his "ex" I found out because one of the many nights she would come over while I hid in the spare room (I was to hide because if she found out he was dating an underaged girl things would go bad accroding to him) she was talking about their many "adventures together" and how she missed him dearly. After that I got uncomfortable with her coming over and their phone conversations where they would say I love you to eachother. I had thought it was a "she took me in when I had nothing so she's like a mom to me" kind of love not a we used to have sex every night for years and she is still not over me and I say I love you back because I dont want her angry at me. (I know makes no sense but I was 16 and dumb)
Well text messages proved to me that more than just innocent conversations were going on. He was in fact cheating I was 18 and devasted. I felt dumb. Of course! I mean how could I not know?! He would go over to "help her on the farm" with things for hours.... I trusted him that it was in the past and that he was just being nice... Well he was being more than nice. After a big fight where I wanted to move out immediately he physically forced me on the bed (I am 5' 120lbs he is 6'1" 300lbs) and asked me where I thought I was going to go? Imagine me pinned to the bed crying him screaming (I had no one really. My mom and I had no relationship she was the one that kicked me out at 13 and never spoke to me since. And she was all I had and where WOULD I go???) After I calmed down and he left me I just laid there thinking. Fuck I am stuck. I truly had no where to go. Trust me I looked at every possible avenue I coukd think of. And maybe back then I just didnt want to leave hard enough. I was 18 and jobless.
Fast forward. The next three years things didnt change. If it wasnt that particular ex it was another girl he was texting or talking to behind my back. And I would find out because I got into the nasty habit of snooping. Maybe I shouldnt have maybe I would be happier had I not taken to being a part time P.I. And of course he would say I was overreacting that I was being crazy. That it was nothing. That he would change. That I just needed to let go about his past mistake. That he wasnt cheating. That I was being dumb. I focused on schooling slowly becoming unhappy. Him also becoming angrier at me at his job at everything. Now we fought often. Still fight. He would begin to insult me. Being to slowly bring me down. And well I also became toxic. Saying things that I knew would get under his skin. Bringing forth his transgressions and making snide remarks as often as I could. I am not entirely blameless. I stopped having sex with him (I started finding him repulsive thinking of all those girls he would talk to).... But he would still find a way to force me (now I have a history of rape before I met him which he knows about. Am I saying I am accusing him of rape? NO! But he would guilt me into sex. Or just start trying to have sex with me in an agressive manner and I would eventually say fine.. And let him. So no rape just alot of guilt.) I never got a job because he never wanted me to. (Don't worry I have a job now. We fought about it. He told me I should quit constantly saying it was such a hassle to take me to work. So I no longer have him drive me I take the bus) I also got in touch with my mom. We have a better relationship now. Much better.
She is actually the one helping me move out. So... Now that you have that back story my question to you is should I do as my mom says and move out without telling him? She says I can move in with her so I will have a place and all that but I feel like I owe him the heads up. I know he'll be angry. The last fight we had was about a week ago when I found out he was chatting yet another girl. I didnt even argue. I am at the point where it no loner hurts my feelings I just cant stand him anymore. Or the disrespect. He kind of broke up with me when I said that I didn't even want to argue that I didnt care. He stated that I wasnt even fighting for him that I probably didnt even love him anymore if I was just willing to give up the relationship. He took it back and the next day acted like nothing happened. Like usual everytime we fight.
As you may notice I no longer care about the relationship. I am done. I just want to leave. But again.... Should I tell him? What can I take? What should I take? When should I leave? While he's at work? My mom says if I tell him I am leaving he'll try to stop me. . . I just dont know.
Thanks for reading this monstrosity. I wanted to make it shorter but I guess this was part venting part asking for advice.
Very nicely detailed history. Bottom line (imho - in my humble opinion)...
The guy is an asshole. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother is a GODSEND. Drop this loser and start living YOUR life, you deserve to be happy...or at least to be safe and not have to worry about your partner's fidelity.
If you have been living together for over a year, you may want to google your state/jurisdictional "common law" entitlements. There are also great counselling resources out there, check out women's centres and such. History shows that if you tell him, he will try to stop you. Maybe what you need to to is to write a letter (kee a copy) and simply tell him what you are feeling and tell him it is OVER.
I feel for you Aerithnova, this is not an easy decision. But I like to think of what we all as human beings DESERVE. Happiness, trust, respect...
I would like to hear how things turn out if you wish to share. Be strong and LISTEN to your heart. Life is short. Be happy! Ark
"I also got in touch with my mom."
BRAVO! You're nobody's victim, are you.
"Now that you have that back story my question to you is should I do as my mom says and move out without telling him? She says I can move in with her so I will have a place and all that but I feel like I owe him the heads up. I know he'll be angry. The last fight we had was about a week ago when I found out he was chatting yet another girl. I didnt even argue."
Naaaah, you don't. Go on - admit it!
- you didn't get your say. So you want to have the last word...stick it to the great big bully. Well, understandable though that is for all the years of aggro he put you through, this is one of those situations where Silence is golden. Not Knowing is far more of a killer than having two fingers stuck up at you. Your mum obviously knows that (clever lady, obviously not exactly unacquainted with 'being put through the mill'...I'd start listening to her if I were you).
If *he* feels owed the heads-up then let him approach you NICELY to NICELY ask for it. Bet he won't...His ego wouldn't be able to take it. Well, that's his later funeral. But, given your history 'together', you owe him NOTHING. (Same can't be said for him.)
Take absolutely everything that's yours. As for anything bought together, take half of that pot. Why am I even going into it? Ask your mum - she knows.
(Ditto Ark's fourth-from-last line.)
Imagine him coming home from work to find.... And not even a goodbye note. (That'll learn 'im.)
Wow. I wasn't expecting replies just yet.
First thank you both for replying.
Second, Ark, thank you for the tips. I will look into my laws here. I mean we lived together for 5 years. Also the letter. I think that solves my need for closure. I am a writer. (Self proclaimed) So I will think about it. And I will keep you posted. It wasnt til recently that I realized I did deserve happiness. I was always so stuck on how he would feel about me leaving, or how things worked. I mean 5 years.... Was I just going to walk away from that? For what? My happiness didnt seem attainable but I relaized I was holding myself back. I could be happy. I knew I could. Even if i dont know how I know that just being away from this will be a step closer. Like every relationship. There wasnt always hardship and anger. There was love and happiness at one point. I had hoped If I stayed long enough it would come back. I am not who I was 5 years ago and I like the new me.
Soulmate. Thanks for your words. They made me smile. I will listen to my mom. Now that I am older I understand just how wise she can be. I decided I am takimg evrything I use that he doesnt. All I need is my books, maybe my clothes, my shoes, and of course my dog. My bestfriend. (:
If you don't mind listening to more of me stay tuned. I promise to be back with a tale of triumph. Or atleast ome that says "She is gonna be ok".
Thanks a million guys.
Stay positive and be STRONG. You deserve to be happy but only you have the power to make change. Take what you need. Once you speak to (or google) what you are ENTITLED to in a common-law relationship, you will at least have the information and then be able to make an informed decision. Wishing you the best Aerithnova... Ark
You're welcome a million.
I reckon your mum - she who'd been through the mill at your age - was trying to over-protect and -parent her 'mini-her', trying to make you live the hardest parts of your life, as afford the most wisdom, through *second*-hand experiences and theoretical-only wisdom (hers), instead of first-, so that you wouldn't get as 'battered around' as she'd once been. Doesn't work, though, does it - 'smother-ing'....hence you fell out over it and scarpered. The point is, you're obviously more precious to her than the average, despite that misguided attempt to show it of hers, so she must be over the moon now that you've reconciled!
I can't comment 100% on US law but I'm afraid if you're a Brit there's no such thing as common law in terms of spousal status and automatic entitlement to 'marital' wealth and assets. However, there is the gleaned wisdom (like you say, you're not the same person...you're tougher and more 'no-nonsense' for starters (that's what being put through the mill does for ya so you can at least thank him - or it - for that, despite it wasn't his own intention)).
Damn right you're a step- nay - STEP-ZUH closer! You may not have been shown How To but you definitely were shown How Not To (which is far more impactful thus memorable and instantly recall-able...tres handy for the trickier bits of the real-deal relationship to-come). It'll be like you had FIVE serious cohabitational relationships since you left home...so you're ALREADY nearer your goal of finding a nice, decent, sensible, healthy, emotionally grown-up man. (Tip: fully finish grieving first; that way you won't end up spending however long in a rebounder.)
New mantra: 'It doesn't tend to get better'. It's at its optimum in the first year or so (when lovers put their very best foot forward). So if that point isn't satisfactory then it's never going to be. But it's a common trap, thinking the wolf's bound to turn back into a sheep at any point. And anyway, even whenever he *wasn't* being an irresponsible, emotionally abusive d*ck, he was still all the while cheating on you behind your back so..in actual fact, he was *constantly* being abusive, meaning, it's a bit of a fallacy to say there was love and happiness at one point, isn't it (unless you mean the precise point at which you both first said Hello? LOL).
Nah, I know what you mean. But - think about it: his type can't be an a-hole non-stop or else you'd dump them almost from the off...wouldn't work.
No, *your mum's* your best friend. Your dog is your best pet.
Here, changing the subject for a sec: maybe you should think about writing a book about your experience? You know what they say about how to be a best-seller - to write only about what you deeply know? Now wouldn't THAT be amazing revenge! What would you call it?
PS: You're *already* okay/this is *already* a triumph. You're finally *dumping* the bullying barstool, remember?
But, yes, do keep us posted.