Why can men have sex with fat women but they don't want the relationship?
I am a bbw and I have been having repetitive issues with my love life besides my one and only serious relationship I got out of six months ago. Every guy that I end up dating only sexually objectifies me. All they want is sex from me. Sex, sex, and sex.
All they see me as is a sexual creature but they never want a relationship with me. I want a relationship I truly and sincerely want a good relationship and I know I am a good woman and I am honest, loyal, and faithful.
But the problem is I get ditched for a fit woman constantly, and while they are with the fit woman she's crazy, unstable, and messed up and they choose to stay with her but sometimes call me when she is not around and want me to come by and have sex with them and vent to me and cuddle with me. Like they find me attractive enough to even want to have sex with me but they don't find me loveable and it's so annoying.
They want to act like I am their woman but They don't want to make a commitment to me even though I go out of my way to show them I am a good woman and they just stick with the other woman because she is fit and the fit woman is more impressive and more of a notch to their social status quo.
I'm frustrated because I am going through a weight loss journey so I can get out of this problem, but another problem has risen. Because of all I have been through concerning all of this I find myself almost hating men because of it and I'm trying not to be that way but I literally don't understand why men behave this way and why they have to be this way. How can I stop myself from being so hateful? why do they do this crap constantly?
Is it because men see bbws as a taboo fetish and they are afraid of the stigma? Someone enlighten me and help me understand because this is putting a damper on my dating life.
I literally get asked out all the time and because of the fear of being rejected over and over again and used up until they find someone better is so great and high, I turn down every offer I get now because I'm just completely broken by all this and very discouraged now. I'm just tired of feeling unwanted and unloveable and I'm tired of being dehumanized...
I want desperately to respond to your question, but I think there is a lot to cover here. I was just about to stop responding when your post popped up, and I feel like I can give some honest insight.
First of all, sorry for how men have treated you. It's not right that you are good enough for sex, but not good enough for love. I don't know if other factors are involved, but I will take things at face value here.
So for me, personally... I think I came to discover that I much prefer a smaller, more feminine, healthy girl after my last relationship. Prior to that, I think I was pretty damn fair about obesity in potential partners and didn't let it deter me. My ex was a bigger woman, and was also older than me by many years. Did I think she was pretty, and sexy, and a good person? Of course I did. But over time, you start to realize things.
When a woman is bigger than you, you feel like less of a man. You can't pick this woman up and hold her in your arms. You can't dominate her. She starts to have health problems - a bad knee that makes many sex positions difficult, a stomach that gets in the way. And she is just plain not as healthy or desirable as a thinner woman. I mean, people want to lose weight - they want to be in good shape. There's reasons for that.
I felt really awkward in my relationship, like my ex was always the one in control. She was older than me, taller than me, bigger than me, and had more experience than me. My own poor self-confidence took a beating because I thought, "Why is it that all of these assholes get the pretty, sexy, fun, healthy women? Why am I not good enough for a petite, beautiful woman? I'm a good man, right? Why do the bad-boys get to sleep around and have threesomes with two pretty girls at the same time, but I'm a good and caring man and this kind of stuff is never offered to me. It's unfair."
After my relationship ended, I tried online dating. Whenever I initiated conversations with women on the dating site, I rarely heard back. My first date was with a girl who contacted me and did the initiating, a girl who knew me from work but we didn't know each other that well. She was cute and all, but she was chubby. I looked past all of that and gave her a chance, though I told her right from the start that I had confidence issues and had feelings for another girl. I felt immasculated again. Because this girl initiated, and my initiations didn't get me anywhere. And because it's like life was telling me, "This is your female equivalent. This is the best you can do. This is all you will ever be able to get. You won't ever get that witty girl with the tight little body and sexy femininity."
I fooled around with the girl. Eventually, after a few dates, we had sex once. But after that she got weird, and maybe I even got a little weird, and we stopped talking. I felt bad about it and tried talking to her again, but she never really wanted to, so that is done. But I knew deep down, I was unhappy with society telling me what I can and can't have in a partner.
Now let's flip this around. Yes, men don't want to have a relationship with a fat girl. But:
Women don't want to be with men who are short.
Think about that for a second. People have some control over their weight. I'm not saying we're all the best we can be, but let's just say you don't get to being bigger than a beach ball by living a normal life. By contrast, people have no control over how tall they are. And furthermore, who's to say that short people are too short? Perhaps tall people, are just too tall? You know that people who are too tall, their bodies have more trouble pumping blood to their extremedies. Nobody thinks about the downsides, because society tells us that being 6 foot is what is normal, and being a guy under 5'8 is not normal.
But sure enough, women will pass over short men if there is a readily-available man who is of a more socially-accepted "normal" height. They say they don't feel loved and protected if a guy can't "surround" them when they embrace. They say his dick won't reach her cunt if he is too short. They say lots of shit. And honestly, maybe I did feel like less of a man being shorter than my ex. But again, who's to say that's really my problem?
I'm not saying I expect a girl to be a model. I don't expect perfection. I actually like girls who have a more wholesome, natural, down-to-earth look about them. I don't expect supermodels or ditzy broads with more beauty than brains. And I'm not saying I am the most handsome guy ever. I am out-of-shape, I am short, I don't have a great sense of style and I don't have a lot of money or a huge dick like most women would prefer. But I try to be fair and look for the type of person who I want, who I think I could reasonably get. And I honestly feel like I can do better than I have, like maybe I deserve a little something more. Ater all, look at some of these other jokers who have hot, limber, extremely fuckable girlfriends who know they are hot and will probably do anything in bed. Why do these other guys deserve it, but not me?
Anyway, getting back to your topic - I had just wanted to give my own personal perspective and raise some points.
You deserve love, just as every person does. You just didn't have a connection with any of these guys, I guess. Maybe you could have, but didn't try hard enough. I don't know.
As time goes on people become more mature. But they also grow, and change. And maybe they realize that they wanted something else. You can be with someone for years and not realize that they don't challenge you, and don't have the right kind of attitude or personality for your relationship to work. Sex is the easy part, but love is the real test. Maybe you need to make guys work a little harder to earn a fun little sexy reward - it will help you to weed out a lot of the low-lifes who just want a quickie and nothing more whatsoever.
I apologize if my response was a bit harsh or biased. I wanted to tell you what was really on my mind, so you can better understand how a lot of guys might feel about this.
I see what you mean by that and while some of that makes sense I just wanted to correct you on one thing because this is a common misconception. You say people can't really help their height but they can help their weight- okay while that may be true to an extent that is not entirely true.
There are other underlying health issues, medications, and autoimmune problems that cause people to gain weight besides being lazy and eating all the time so I just wanted to correct you on that.
And I did try hard to keep what I had going and you misinterpreted what I said about the sex thing- I don't just give it up easily I said I was frustrated because when I get messages online all it is about is sex and nothing else. That was the whole frustration.
I know women who have the same complaint as you, but it has nothing to do with being BBW or any other physical attribute.
It has been from them making the same bad choice in men or being too available, sexually.
You say this has been "repetitive" in your love life. Perhaps counseling will help you figure out why this keeps happening to you.
I can only speak from my experience. Just some background on me so you know where I'm coming from:
I'm nearly 50, was married 24 years, left my husband last spring, and am moving on. Been trying the online dating game, but only to find friends.
I'm 6 feet tall and VERY thin. I also have health issues, and have a difficult time maintaining a healthy weight. I wish I could exercise and put on some healthy weight and actually be fit, but I can't. It is what it is.
I've been talking to a lot of gentlemen, from all over. And ya know what? Single men AND women are lonely. And they are looking for connections and physical contact. Even those that are looking for an actual relationship, are way too quick to jump in bed with someone and hope it "works out" because they're not willing to invest any real time or energy in actually getting to know someone. Or, they only want sex and will say whatever will make that happen. It's sad... I am lucky in that I am demisexual and I don't get lonely in the physical sense. Unless I'm in a realtionship, sex isn't really a "thing" for me. I have zero sex drive outside of being in love, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. Cuts a lot of drama out of my life. I am very up front about this. I put it right in my bio. Anyone paying any attention knows I am NOT interested in or looking for sex or anything physical. Possibly, never will be again. I'm only looking for friends, and make that clear, over and over and over again.
Here's what I've been learning: both sexes get objectified. Both sexes focus on the physical, regardless of what they say. Both sexes push the physical stuff way too much, and way too early. From my experience, and from what I've heard from the men I talk to anyway. We all know most folks are not honest about what they want, what they're looking for, or even who they really are. I got SO frustrated with the ol' bait and switch, I too began to think all men were creeps. Turns out, they're just human, and lonely. Turns out, most women are too. I don't personally understand that, but I imagine it's not fun. Most people are simply looking for whoever is willing to satisfy whatever they're lacking in that moment. Which is often physical companionship.
If you don't dig deep enough, or get to know who the real person is before jumping into the sack, or anything else, you'll be disappointed, every time.
I don't look at pictures. Mainly, because they're rarely an accurate representation of what anyone actually looks like. And for me, I don't care about the packaging. Tall, short, thin, beer gut, I don't care. It's all about content for me. I ONLY respond to messages. Real, actual messages from men willing to get to know me as a friend. I open lines of communication first and foremost. If I don't connect with someone on an intellectual level, and find enough commonalities that I'd want to explore a FRIENDSHIP with them? Then I say thanks for talking, but let's agree we're not a match of any sort and move on. If they want to meet in person immediately? Nope. If they start talking about sex right away? Nope. If they only comment on my physical appearance? Nope. If they call me "babe" or "honey" or "beautiful" in the first message instead of using my name? Nope. There are a million ways people give away their true intentions, if you only pay attention.
I'm carefully choosing who I let into my life, and I'm not allowing myself to be chosen to fill someone else's temporary need. Again - I'm lucky that I don't NEED anyone in my life. I have an amazing group of family and friends, and have zero need for anything romantic, so it's hard for me to understand why people put so much emphasis on sex, but am grateful I don't have to worry about it.
Because of my sexuality, I've accidently stumbled onto something though. By making it clear sex is not an option (at least not in the near or maybe even distant future, anyway), I ELMINATE the men that objectify and sexualize me. I don't have to be rude. I just don't respond to their sexual inuendo. And, I let them know it's not wanted, or appreciated. They either move on, or we start a more open and honest dialogue, without the physical stuff getting in the way. I've met some very nice gentlemen and made some cool new friends.
I don't know what you should do, but I've learned that when you take sex off the table from the get go, you avoid the ones that are looking for a quick "fix", and have much more genuine interactions. Online, and in person. If you don't want to be used for sex, then don't have sex. I realize it's likely not that easy for people of "normal" sexuality, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me.... regardless of age, gender, size, or preference. If you want a relationship? Then get to know someone that wants to get to know you, without sex in the mix. Worth a shot?