LOOKING4HELP - Aug 29 2016 at 23:03
SORRY TMI AT SOME POINTS!!!!
I cheated on my husband with two of his cousins and two friends. But with one cousin and friend they only stick it in and didn't pump. But the other cousin happened about 7 times within 5yrs. And one friend 1 time. The years between 2008-2013 And I would text random guys and send pics and text inappropriate stuff. YES, I know this it not rite. Well hubby had enough and left Feb 3 2016 and hasn't been home since. But he hasn't got a place of his own which I think is good. And we are going Thur marriage counseling. So my advice is do you think it can work out if we are both trying? Again I know what I did was wrong so keep ur nasty comments to itself. Just looking for advice
he left becOz u cheated?
He is innocent and deserves this not! But if you both and specially You are committed to make this relation work then u hav to change yourself completely.Be loyal to him forget your past and love only him.Thats the only way out.Change your company,habits and hangouts.
Think about kids? That might mature u as well but do remember that if u prove to be a terribe mother (like wife) their perSonalities would be shattered.Its time to be responsible for your actions and take charge of them.
Good question :)
Because he just found out about my infidelities in Feb when he left
U mean u ppl were in LDR from 2013?
What is LDR?
Long distance relationship? Or separation?
No I would just text guys. And keep my phone from hubby
I am asking that after 2013 what happened? From 2013 to 2016 did u people live together or were in a long distance relationship and taking counselling classes?
We live together and we're seeking marriage counseling and I'm going to counseling by myself
When did he return home after leaving in 2013?
He just found out about !y cheating on him and left in Feb 2016 and hasn't come home yet
Answer to ur question : yes it can work out if you both try.Seek forgiveness with full heart from him,pray to God to save u from temptations and you really need to work on your personality and ask to yourself why you cheated so many times.what was missing in your relationship? Or it was just done in fun or to hurt others or yourself? You really need counselling and its good that you are seeking that.Moreover ur hubby hasnt com back from last 6 months are u sure he hasnt hooked or dating somebody else? If not ,then here is your chance: prove him that you are worthy of lov and trust.
Obviously your husband doesn't want to be with someone who fucks other people. It might also be really weird for him because you fucked members of his family.
I don't know why your husband doesn't have a place to live. Really, he should have kicked you out. But he probably doesn't want to be reminded by the house every single day that you were with him, and would rather live out of his car or something until he can get back on his own feet.
I think you should break up with your husband and be single, and then you can fuck whoever you want.
(Watch your language or substitute vowels with asterisks (*), please, Altreal. Thank-you.)
@Mee no he's not dating or seeing anyone. We r trying too work on our problems
@Altreal u can keep ur nasty comments to urself thank you very much
So whats the issue now?
Whew! What a mess! LOOKING4HELP do you have any kids with hubby?
Why I ask is because if you don't have children it makes the separation less painful for him. Yes if you want him back I'm afraid you have a lot of work on your hands. Nobody here really knows all levels of the circumstances. Guidance and counciling are your best bet. And if you come back here we'll try to help.
Yes we have kids together
"I cheated on my husband with two of his cousins and two friends. But with one cousin and friend they only [stuck] it in and didn't pump. But [with] the other cousin [it] happened about 7 times within 5yrs. And one friend 1 time. The years between 2008-2013 And I would text random guys and send pics and text inappropriate stuff. YES, I know this it not [right]."
So do we. But what *I* want to know is - WHY did you do those things and for so long? I think your reason(s) will go a long way towards indicating whether and what scope exists for properly repairing your marriage. After all, there's Willing and then there's Ready & Able. If you're not ready or able you'll just end up setting him back and delaying his recovery, making it TWO huge crimes (= unforgiveable) on your rap-sheet.
Yes Soulmate is right if you're ready to repair your marriage then there's hope. Is he willing to try getting back together? Sometimes the wound is deep and takes time to heal. Maybe for the sake of the kids he'll try. However your going to have a lot of work on your hands. Getting his trust back and forever losing these guys you've been with. As far as his cousins I don't know how you're going to work that out they're family. And his friends? You'll have to talk that over with your husband. Again if you'd like to talk more about this we'll try to help.
I think he trying to forgive me. And give me another try he says he needs time. I didn't cheat on him over night so it's not gunna go away over night. Has far has his family he kicked them out of his life. He's willing to give us another try. Just gunna take time.
As one young man said to me time heals. As he'd been through many heartbreaks himself. Well if he's willing to give it a try you're on the right path. Again for the sake of your kids. I somehow got involved in a bitter divorce and now they're both no longer my friends long story. Come back and keep us updated.
1. So again, L4H - what was going on back then or in the run-up as made you feel you were entitled to commit adultery on your husband with not one, not two, not three, not four, but *five* separate individuals (two of whom were supposed to be loyal and protective family members of his), followed by on-and-off continuously with one of same said cousins over a whole 5 year period?
2. And also, out of interest, what did you think of those so-called cousins, particularly the one you continued to get it on with? Did it ever, even if just the once, cross your mind, 'Ugh, what kind of nasty creep would get some sort of warped satisfaction out of betraying and permanently humiliating HIS OWN DAMN COUSIN, not to mention potentially starting familial World War Three!'?
3. I mean, it's one thing to become aware that your wife's cheated on you with another bloke. But *five* of them, two of whom were expected to have turned round and told you to 'sling your dirty cheating hook' following immediately putting him in the picture about what his 'so-called wife' were up to behind his back? You must have really begged and pleaded for all you were worth in order to have got him to even *consider* forgiving you or at least agreeing to give giving it another go some serious consideration - right? So what WAS this magic phrase or speech of yours that so cut the mustard in that regard?
4. Or do you think the real (or primary) reason he's considering it is for the sake of those kids of yours?
I mean, clearly he's capable of cutting family adrift, ones he'd presumably grown up with. So why not you?
5. So you started cheating in 2008. But what year had you and he originally met and then married?
6. Tell me - do you and he own your own family home (as in outright or courtesy of a mortgage)? And does it have a healthy amount of equity, enough to allow you each to put down a sales or rental deposit on a new abode? And how many family vehicles do you own?
6. So, his having moved out (presumably into a rental?) since February, making it 7 or 8 months so far...When he says 'more time', does he give you any indication of any real and sensible deadline or has he left it totally loose (as in, I'll tell you when, after I've decided)?
(Duh - 7.)
(Wait, let me practise: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. It's alright, I've still got it. LOL)
Well he starting to forgive me so that's a good thing.
A start like that is progress. Let's try to be positive shall we? Keep talking to each other.
Well therapy is doing good for us hubby said I'm a priority and that the marriage counseling is a priority's. So that's always good too hear. Like hubby says I didn't cheat overnight he cant forgive me overnight. And am still working on myself. So that all good things I think
I'm having serious issues with posting here
Issues resolved.....LOOKING4HELP sounds like you and your husband are achieving positive results. I believe that this will come to resolve down the road.
Thanks scopes I think we're going good down the road. It's gunna take time but I feel he's trying to give me another chance. So all good crossing fingers
Don't worry LOOKING4HELP it'll be alright. And as always keep us posted until you get tired of us. We'll keep the light on
Well I think I got some good news. Hubby said he's gotta give this time. He's wanting to move bk home but he's still hurt. So I asked him last night if he did plan on coming home and he said yea. He said I didn't cheat over night it's not gunna go away in one night. So just time I guess
The important thing is that you both keep going to counciling. It'll take time in the end things will work out.
L4H, coming home *when*? Or can't he say 'because he's still too hurt'?
Hes still hurt
I apologize for my earlier response, it was rude of me. I usually try to be kind of empathetic and see things from different angles on here, but I guess we all have moods and breaking-points at times. So I am sorry, and I'll try to continue conducting my advice-giving in a much less judgmental manner.
I'll add that I have a relative (a cousin, coincidentally) whose wife went out on him many months ago. They also had kids together and, as in your situation, he moved out and was on his own for a while, dating another woman. He decided to go back to his wife, much to the surprise of many people in my family. He left behind a girlfriend who many felt was better to him than his wife, and much more mature. I'm not sure why, perhaps he did it just for their kids who he didn't get to see anymore. Or maybe he also missed those good times he did have with his wife. Who are we to say what's right for others, even when the decisions they make are not the ones we agree with?
I've been guilty of my own blunders. Recently one thing I noticed about myself, is that I get hurt whenever I love someone and they don't reciprocate, so much so that I end up trying to rebound with other women who I don't feel the same way about. It isn't right, and it is selfish and fleeting gratification that just ends up hurting everyone involved and making them feel cheap and unloved. I guess we all do things we don't want to do out of desperation, when it seems like our lives are a shallow shell compared to the dreams and accomplishments we want for our better selves.
Good luck to you and your husband. Whatever comes of the situation, hopefully it brings you both closer to finding a better version of yourselves.
Ahh, what a lovely apology. :-)
And, Altreal, you've also mentioned what I myself was gently inching towards finding out: whether he's "too hurt" to come home because that's a great cover for using this immediate aftermath period as HIS opportunity, either to [a] have a toll-free marital holiday, [b] attempt to see whether there's a better model for him out there or [c] get over you a bit (for greater strength and re-negotiation purposes) by getting on top of someone(s) else for a while. After all, L4H, think about it: If he wanted you and he to together start patching up the holes in the floor of the marital love-boat then surely the best place for doing that IS IN THE DAMN BOAT? How, when the boat according to him is still afloat in the ocean, is he going to be able to carry out any repairs from the shoreline?
Is he at least still regularly calling and taking you out on dates every week?
He's still calling me every other day and no no dates
LOOKING4HELP how about you and he setting something up. Like maybe lunch, dinner somewhere or coffee. Just a serving suggestion.
i think you have personality problem, maybe something that could be traced back,
go on and heal yourself first.
what you need is to love yourself first.
i feel pity for you.
i know you're not ok
please seek God's love, He is the only answer to your problems
i know you hate yourself now.
to forgive yourself you have to seek God's love.
(Oh dear, L4H, yet another one who thinks you're their ex, look.)
Lenen, in case you hadn't noticed, L4H knows precisely what she did wrong, has not ONCE attempted to make any excuses, let alone the usual lame ones, for her past wayward behaviour (emphasis on past), and - given how she's already taken crap on here (notwithstanding the gentlemanly apology that then ensued) - could quite easily at that point have abandoned thread, rather than remain like some sitting duck for potentially yet more mud-slinging. Yet she did not, she stayed put.
Why would she do that, then - eh, Einstein? Could it be because that's how genuinely contrite determined she is to make good with her husband and the world? So you have absolutely NOTHING - neither psychiatric nor telepathic qualifications - NOR, evidently, the common sense or insight - upon which to base those inappropriately silly and non-helpful comments of yours.
Let's now all judge YOUR character, shall we - in the form of whether you can appreciate the error of your own ways and accordingly apologise to her like an adult.
(And please note anyone else who fancies taking a free pop and in the process wearing my patience even thinner than it already is: try it, and you'll find yourself taking *me* on instead, not to mention, incapable of claiming you hadn't been given perfectly fair warning.)
Now copying and pasting Scopes *very helpful* suggestion back to the fore where it belongs...
Scopes said: LOOKING4HELP how about you and he setting something up. Like maybe lunch, dinner somewhere or coffee. Just a serving suggestion.
Were going to lunch on Tuesday so this should be a good time
Aha, your first 'date'! (Out of interest, was that Scopes's suggestion or his telepathic skills?)
Good sign (atop the phone-calling). It indicates he's not merely trying to keep you warm and waiting on the side as he takes advantage of the once-in-a-lifetime 'get out of jail free' card that a lot of betrayed spouses, at whatever point in the proceedings, see the adulterous episode as having provided (a la 's/he did it so now I'm going to..to even the playing field'). Not that you shouldn't bear that potential in mind, obviously. But IMO it looks very doubtful now, considering most men would expect their wives to have the female intuition for sensing something in that vein were afoot the minute she were sat across a table from him, noting a strange change in his whole attitudes and demeanour, etc., hence would more than likely try to stay away with one fob-off after another in order to keep their return-cheating self off your radar, bar from the safe distance of over the phone. So that's very encouraging.
You *are* still going to have a lot of grovelling to do, mind you - and not just with your mouth (blah-blah-blah doesn't impress most blokes; whether they know it or not, they tend to note actions more than anything). But I guess it's a small price to pay, all things considered, right?
Suggestion of foundational action: if at all possible, wear whatever outfit is his favourite (even better would be something you used to refuse to wear for him). And same for hair and perfume. Look as subtly knock-out as poss to make him see you making a really special effort for his benefit and his alone, it'll go a long way to salving his hurt and softening him up. Oh, and also, since (this thread - actions!) it's clearly the truth - do, if/when the topic comes up, basically make him aware that none of those men were a patch on him. You could also 'disempower' those cuckolders for him - by taking the mickey out of them. For example, if one rode a motorbike, and you'd ridden pillion, and he asks you whether you liked it, you could reply with something like, 'Alright, I suppose...IF you're into lawnmowers?'. Or another - if he asks you to compare 'between the sheets' (particularly with his cousin): 'Sh*t....Mainly because he wasn't you.' That sort of thing.
It's a difficult balance to strike, but you're looking to exude flirtiness *and* abject contrition, both, as well the attitude that the *first* relationship is dead and buried (because, you say you realise, you killed it), meaning, this meeting represents the 'first' date' of your New & Improved relationship to-come....Starting from Scratch...or as much as is possible when you're neither of you actual strangers.
Best of luck and do let us know how it all goes! :-)