My vicious circle? Can anyone relate?
I question everything. I worry a lot. Always thinking worse case scenario. Eg. My mother isn't in great health, always been over weight which doesn't at all help. I could have seen her that morning. Ring her that evening and will get no reply. I automatically think the worst and will ring n ring even get in my car and check she is ok. I can't even hear what other's are saying to me with the fear that something is wrong when I don't get a answer. She's my best friend. I love my mother but I sometimes feel somewhat angry at her for the health issues and the effect it has on my life. My father is in a nursing home due to major stroke leaving him paralysed. I run between there and mum and my 2year old boy. ( who i feel deserves all my love and attention) I've a older sister who only cares about herself and her issues. Being more of a burden then a help when she does get involved. Which she rarely ever does.) I feel so much anger that I can't have a family who can fend for themselves and let me live my life. This then turns to alot of guilt and fear of if I lose them I'll be sorry for feeling this way.
I'm very negative. I feel I'm 2 faced? Like critical of people. I don't want to be. I just want to not care what anybody does or doesn't do. If I'm invited to someone's wedding or I'm not kinda of thing. I feel it doesn't stop me sleeping at night n I can get on each n every day but I know that deep down I'm insecure. I judge others when I know I could quite easily do what they have just done. I am unhappy with my life. The responsibility of having to be there for everyone. I live abroad. And I'd love nothing more right now then to bring my son back to the UK to raise him but I can't.. I can't leave my parents. I don't want too. And know I physically and emotionally couldn't but in turn it makes me angry.. then guilty and so on.. I never ever get a "night off" from my responsibility as I've no one to take my boy over night or even for a couple of hours. I know my mum would love to but physically can't. She's a amazing woman. Always there for us growing up. Always. We had everything n more. I want to be the mother she was to my boy but I feel I can't as I'm running here to dad and there for mum. Shoping for her etc. It's not so much since I had my boy as she has now got her self some home help (3 hours a week) but again it's the guilt in me that I haven't done her shopping or having visited in 2 or 3 days.
My partner lies alot.. over stupid things. And big. He just wants to always keep the peace. Lying is a definite way to make me not even be respectful to u let alone be nice. So that makes a unhappy relationship. He could say I made a call. Turn's out he didn't. Frustrating. But he's agreed to see someone about it as he thinks it stems from his young life in living with a alcoholic.
I believe with this I can continue to try make things work if that happens. I will at least respect hm for trying?
I'm also lazy. Unmotivated.. My house is done out of pure "I don't want my son growing up in a mess like I did" but it's a struggle. I get angry so much about the constant cleaning I'm doing. I wish to be a house goddess. I don't see mess like really motivated people do. Things still look cluttered when I'm finished. I want to clear everything out and have a clean fresh cut house, life, relationship etc.
My parents are beautiful loving people and would do this and more for me. My partner is a diamond in other aspects of our relationship.... So why am I literally going around n around??? Help....
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, and your situation in general. I can't imagine the stress and the sense of overwhelm you likely feel. Add a toddler and a partner that intentionally creates more chaos? I'd be running around in circles too...
There's nothing here anyone can fix, except you. It sounds like (in my opinion and experience) you've lost your sense of self, and are relying on pleasing and taking care of everyone else to define you. I was that girl too. And I can tell you that the feeling of chaos and confusion will not get any better until you start taking time to take care of yourself.
Ya know the speech we hear on airplanes about the oxygen masks? How even if you're traveling with a baby, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else? Because you're of no use to anyone, including yourself, if you put everyone else's needs in front of your own. So take a pause and put on your own oxygen mask, whatever that may be. For me, it's hiking or walking in nature with my music. Or doing anything on, in or near the water. Or a lavender epsom soak in the tub. Or tea on the porch watching the deer play in the wheat fields. Whatever it is that helps you feel recharged, make time for that, and put yourself first at least once a day.
Self care is not selfish. All of these issues are (I believe) stemming from your lost sense of self. You need to reconnect with you. Ask yourself what you like about your life, and what you don't. And then start doing something about the things you want to change. If there are things you don't like but can't change, all you can do is change your attitude about it, compassionately detach from it, or remove it from your life as much as possible.
You can't help anyone that doesn't want to help themselves. So choose to do what you need to in order to follow your path of least regret, but try to keep the resentment at bay by remembering you can't control others' behavior, nor should you try. So ask yourself what you can accept, and what you can't. What can you make better, and what do you need to let go of?
I know there's a lot you need to figure out, and I don't mean to confuse you any further. I just know I've been where you are. And it didn't get any better for me, or anyone else (especially my kids) until I took control of my life back. I stopped letting others' actions or opinions dictate how I felt or what I did. Once I started taking better care of myself, people around me followed suit. We really do train people how to treat us. So start paying attention to yourself, at LEAST once a day. And not just when you're getting ready for the day. MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
Be yourself, follow your path of least regret, and the right stuff will stay and the rest will fall away. And you need to let it. Let go of what others think, or do. People think and do what they want, and it rarely has anything to do with us. Since you can't really please anyone (not really), you may as well please yourself. And again...
"Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.". Dr. Seuss. Wise cat.
Hope some of this helps in some small way. We're here for ya. Best of luck and let us know how things are going? <3