Is this cheating?
I can't believe I'm resorting to a forum to ask for advice, but I feel I have no where else to turn. My husband recently disclosed to me that he's addicted to pornography. He admitted to using it, unbeknownst to me, throughout our entire marriage (we'll be married 9 years in Nov). The porn that he's 'into' includes the live web cam sites, which I personally feel are more intimate than viewing a recorded production and/or magazines. In addition to this, he's been carrying on an emotional relationship with one of the web cam girls. He admitted to not only wiring her money over the past several months, but sending her pictures of our children. He also has told her he's in love with her.
He said he told her he was a 'rich business man' who was single with 3 kids. He further explained that he did this to justify why he couldn't talk to her all the time. He claims he did this, in order to get naked pictures and videos from her. He finally told me, because she found out my name/information and is now blackmailing him (threatening to tell me) for money. I'm just so confused and the more he tells me, the more I get lost the all the lies/contradictions in his story. He works with computers for a living, so I feel like if I stay he will continue to carry on with this, without me ever knowing (just as it has). He has at his disposal, laptops, pc's, tablets, phones and he can outsmart me by removing all traces of evidence. Plus, I really don't have the time/energy to be a private investigator on the side.
I just feel so heartbroken and lost. I feel like I'm an attractive, fit, smart, well-educated woman. We had a great sex life and I'm just at a loss as far as what went wrong. I now am starting to feel extremely insecure, as obviously he's been seeking this out, because of something he's not getting from me. I have kicked him out of the house and he is seeking counseling. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad lifetime movie, with such a ridiculous plot, but sadly this is my life. I feel like I have no options. I either stay in a marriage with someone I can't trust or I walk away at 35 years old and 3 young kids in tow. What would you do?
**I'm also currently awaiting for a Columbian web cam prostitute to contact me, as she has told him she will be contacting me soon. Good Lord...I can't believe I just typed that.
Oooooo this is not good. I think I'd distance my self from him with the kids. Call a family member and see if they'd let you hang out with them. I know to some that seems a bit harsh or rash. Online porn is one thing, gettin involved with the live Webcam action is another(bad). I'm not sure if a marriage councilor could help or not Wouldn't hurt to ask. In the meantime tell him that this must stop at once. Especially with little kids around
When it's all said and done, there's only so much you can do. It's always those closet to an addict who are affected the most. Like all addicts, your husband will need to get on the recovery road by himself. Yes, you have kicked him out, but he needs to change his lifestyle and he needs to do it ALL by himself.
You need to understand that it doesn't matter whether you decide to support him or not, if he really has the need and the will to turn it all around, he'll do it whether you're with him or not.
You have 3 kids which are your priority and you need to make decisions that are best for you and therefore best for them.
First on the list!!! withdraw the money and close all the joint accounts you have with your husband.
It's obvious what the web cam girl is wanting.
Get hubby hooked and start asking for money.
Now that hubby knows it's getting out of hand, he's roping you in for help.
It would be better not to get involved, talking to the web cam prostitute.
Why should you? He made the bed, now he lie on it.
If you feel the need to talk to her, my suggestion is that to tell her...
"Yes, I knew about your relationship with my husband. I knew it all along.
And it's totally ok with me. You can have him. Is there anything else?"
Have some clarity in your mind.
1) Why did he stray... He just wanted to have some fun and excitement.. Perhaps he equate it to a game of rugby. Thinking what you don't know, don't hurt. Why is note important at this juncture.
2) yes, don't play private investigator. It will suck up all your energy, better to spend time on yourself and your three kids.
3) to stay or to go is something you need to decide for yourself. Staying with someone you can't trust can be trying unless you detach yourself emotionally. If he's providing financially and is non abusive, you may choose to stay for a while while you make plans. Walking away at 35 is not a problem. Take your time to consider and plan... it's tender now. Stay calm, for the sake of your 3 little kids.
"Because of something he's not getting from me..."
And remember, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Stand proud and strong like a mountain.
Be still and calm like a lake.
Asking why - it's not important at this juncture....
Well at this point he has certainly crossed the line, I'd say.
Talking to web models and paying to give them 'tokens' while in a relationship is bad enough. I'm not proud to admit it, but I did the same. I felt so bad about it I eventually told my ex. When you said he sent her pictures of your kids and wired her money? ...You just don't do that!
Obsession and addiction to porn and sex is one thing. I think a lot of us guys can relate to it on some level. I think your husband gave this person too much personal information, and really went too far with this whole thing. He shouldn't have really endangered you and your kids the way he did, but he dragged all of you into this mess - and now his webmistress has turned against him!
I think you did the right thing kicking him out, and he is probably doing the right thing getting counseling, Idk. Your husband still (if he didn't lie about a lot of other things yet) didn't technically cheat on you, in the physical sense, so that is something. Of course who's to say he didn't order used panties from webmodels and wear them a bunch of times over the last year? Anyway, he didn't come forward on his own, and is only telling you now because it was going to come out. It's good that he admitted to it, but it's expected behavior in this situation. Though some men would deny, deny, deny...
35 is not too old to start over, not at all. I'm sorry that your 3 kids have to deal with what's going on. At least hopefully your husband will continue to support them. In the meantime, you have to decide if you are ready for a complete break-up right now, or if you want to give this more time. Time is ticking.