My wife and I have been married now for 13 years. We have 4 kids ranging from 3 to 12 years of age. While we've had minor problems in our marriage, I never thought that things would be how they are now. We've always been extremely affectionate and caring towards each other. We've been best friends and always by each others side thru thick and thin. We never had more than a couple friends, and they were all common between us, but not extremely close.
Occasionally, I was forced to leave for 5 days at a time for work (I work at a family owned business, so that adds more stress to our marriage), and she would be extremely upset about my absence. One of the absences happened a week after the birth of our 3rd daughter, when she was going through a difficult bout of post partem. She had a difficult time with me out of town, a baby with colic and a pre-k and 1st grade aged girls running around. We fought the whole time I was gone, but reconciled after I returned and she had a few weeks to calm down.
Around this time, my wife wanted to go back to school to pursue her degree in and I was able to support her in doing so. She since has been working part time in a local hospital.
After the birth of my son, my wife started to experience symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. We were back and forth between neuros and other specialists trying to come up with a diagnosis, but never were able to find one. Throughout it all we remained together and strong. The symptoms seemed to recede after 4 months and things have been better health wise for her. In the meantime, I've been able to eliminate the out of town trips.
The past year or so, life has been extremely hectic. Both my older daughters play travel softball, with my wife coaching one of the teams. We would both go to all the games, which usually consisted of me watching the younger two while my daughters played and my wife coached. Throughout practices and coaches, my wife became friendly with many of the parents as did I. Pretty soon though, my wife started to withdraw, and I found myself watching the kids more and more while she went out practices, then over to other parents houses with the older two. She would be texting other parents constantly, on facebook more often, just disconnected.
More recently, she has started going out once a week with a group of coworkers from her hospital, and has been much less affectionate towards me. She no longer would snuggle in bed, hold my hand without prompting, etc. Complete 180 from how our life used to be. Sex started to become monotonous and when I brought all this up to her, she said she wanted to be her own person, that we were too close, but that she agreed on the sex and would try to spice things up.
Last week, after I came home from work, she ended up going out with friends almost every night. I've had this pit in my stomach and couldnt take it any longer. When I talked to her about it, she grew upset, saying that for years shes been telling me I needed to be more attentive, and that if I kept it up she wouldn't be like that any longer. I can't snuggle with her, sit next to her on the couch. If I call her during the day, I'm being smothering. If I text her too much I'm being smothering. She wants space to reconsider her life and who she is, and I just feel like crawling into a hole. I love this woman so much and would move heaven and earth for her. I try to talk to her about it, but it just ends up in an argument. She constantly brings up when I was out of town and how she felt then is how I feel now and that she needs space and I need to give it to her.
In the meantime, shes still going out to bars with friends, she's lost weight and is at her college figure. Shes buying new cocktail dresses and outfits and looks amazing.... then she goes out wearing them to clubs with friends. I don't think she'd ever cheat, her mother cheated on her father when she was in her late teens and still has issues about that. I feel so hopeless as its almost impossible to spend time with her when she's with other people all the time. And to top things off, we're set to close on a new house in 11 days. I cry myself to sleep more often than not, and my kids have caught me a couple times tearing up. She wants her space, and says when shes ready she'll come to me, but all I want to do is hold her close and not to let go....
I'd have talk with her and ask her how she'd like it if you did the same thing to her. Go out buy nice clothes, go out to the bars with friends etc come home when you feel like it. I know some here will say two wrongs don't make a right. But sometimes you have to get a perspective of the shoe being on the other foot.
And if this is her way of getting back at you for being out of town on business trips it's weak and sounds like she doesn't trust you. If she wants space then it sounds like she might want a divorce. I know you want approach her tenderly but you have to put it out there to her. Marriage counseling or divorce?
LR you've been a faithful husband to her haven't you? There's nothing you've left out here is there? You're not on trial just curious because it's just so hard to believe that she'd do this to you without a real reason. I guess where I'm going with this is maybe you should give her the space she wants. Like packing up all of your essential things and moving in to a motel or with a friend if you can't afford a motel. I know a lot will object to my telling you this but maybe that would get a message across to her. I'M GIVING YOU YOUR SPACE.
OK so the motel isn't such a good idea. Stop off at the gym after work get that extra work out. That's presuming you go to a gym. Start looking good for you start being your own person. Don't go home right away stay out get together with some of your friends you're entitled to go out once in a while too. Don't call or text your wife leave her alone that's what she wants. I know you have kids and they're special to you. Let her be the one to watch after them that's part of her duty as a parent too.
Family traits tend to follow so chances are your wife is seeing someone on the side. I know you say she probably wouldn't do that because her mother did. But let's face it her not wanting to be close to you getting all dolled up in cocktail dresses lost weight looking good for someone else and not you? Give her space and give yourself space. No matter what it'll all work out in the end.
Well SUSIEDQQ Looks like he's not coming back here. Best wishes to him I guess
Excellent presentation LR if you ever come back here's the go guy for counciling
Well souladvisor thanks for trying. I have the feeling he's been overwhelmed from every direction. His wife, the kids, the realtor, work etc. After all he did say this new house closes on the 11th. Maybe this situation forced things to come to some sort of resolve.
In any relationship where there is a deficit of love the only way forward is to invest more love into the relationship. Maybe your partner has found a way to enjoy herself after all the years when she was struggling through bringing up the kids etc. Now that here requirements in bringing up the kids are not so taxing she has taken some liberty to enjoy herself.
In my opinion you should let her have that time. After all wont you want the person you love most to enjoy herself. On you part pour in more love, and affection irrespective of what may happen. You love here and for that you must give here all the love unconditionally. Maybe that added love that you bring in to this relationship may make her realize that she too needs to invest a little more into this relationship.
If for whatever reason things do not work out and the relationship fails at least you would know deep inside that you have given it everything you can. As a result you can be at peace with yourself whatever happens. Leave all the negatives of this relationship and work on the positives. I am sure everything will be fine.
MINDFUL-BLISS Are you married? I'm assuming you're a woman in which case if you are. How would you like it if your husband went out clubbing almost every night after work looking and smelling good without you? Would that be okay? How would you feel about that? Would you feel hurt?
Where I'm going with this is regardless of gender put yourself in his place. From what he's saying it sounds like she's being a little selfish. We don't know what's going on here he hasn't responded yet. I guess in all fairness we should hear her side of the story. And as I said above in the meantime to give her space and to give himself space too. For God's sake I hope they give second thought to buying that new house
Hi Scope I am married man for 25 years. I do absolutely understand your point of view and totally agree with you that it is very difficult for the husband in this case to watch his wife go out clubbing in such frequency. From what the gentleman has written it seems that this "almost daily" clubbing happened only last week so I am assuming that this is a one off thing. Sometimes a person gets carried away for a short period and then get tired and return to their routine. I am not sure if this still on-going. When we continue to show love and trust to our loved ones, I believe they will come around. Then again maybe I was wrong and have to admit I have been wrong before. Just like you I was just sharing what worked for me and it is my hope that it will also work for someone else. I am sorry if I was wrong I was just trying to help. Take care and have a good day my friend.
MINDFUL-BLISS many apologies i thought you were woman wasn't sure. There are parts of this story that are somewhat questionable.
Occasionally,I was forced to leave for 5 days at a time for work.
And she would be extremely upset about my absence.
She constantly brings up when I was out of town and how she felt then is how I feel now.
I wonder why she would be so upset i would think she would understand that its part of his job to sometimes travel out of town for 5 days at a time. Or is there some other reason that we aren't aware of as to why she's so upset about his going out of town. I'm really not taking sides here. I guess I'm giving either one the benefit of the doubt.
Usually when someone starts a thread like this they say I've been a faithful husband and I've never cheated on my wife. Or I've been a faithful wife and I've never cheated on my husband. Thats not mentioned anywhere in this story. Typically if a woman does something like this it because she suspects or has learned some form of infidelity. That's what I've read in alot of these stories.
MINDFUL-BLISS thank you for coming back hopefully you'll return
(Scopes, I'm afraid you've overstepped the mark here so I'm going to have to give you a gentle ticking-off: It's a moderator's job to call a thread ended or not, not a standard member's. I've also been meaning to ask that you please not bombard a thread with brief post after brief post, like in this one, and instead try to wait until you've gathered together as many thoughts as possible into just the one or couple of posts before then waiting for the OP to respond. I know you're enthusiastic about helping OPs, and that's more laudible than probably even you yourself realise, but please watch that you don't get so carried away out of impatience, okay? No hard feelings, no need to respond, you're still a diamond geezer, keep up the good work. :-))
I understand and well noted