Love a friend who has a girlfriend
I love my friend of 2 years, Mr W. He did not know that.
Last year, he met a crazy girl, Miss A online.
They hang out a lot, live together and argue a lot! Recently, she is unemployed for an unknown reason.
It may be due to her misconduct as I believe.
Sometimes, he told me that "my girlfriend drains me!" or "I am stressful with this relationship".
According to to a gossip site, someone said Miss A is alcoholic , abuses drugs and has sex with every guy !
Obviously, she is not a good girl.
I am sad that Mr W does not choose me. I am a nice girl.
I feel sad with a broken heart.
Never mind if Miss A is crazy, an alcoholic, abuses drugs ......
Look for an old movie (1997) My Best Friend's Wedding, starring Julia Roberts.
The important thing to keep in mind here, is that you never told Mr. W how you feel. He has no idea if you really care about him, so you can't really fault him for choosing Ms. A when he never even knew you were an option on the table.
Maybe you thought you should let him take the initiative, maybe you felt like it would only be right if he did? I can get that. But I guess a lot of factors come into play in that case. Do you know if he finds you attractive? Does he want to be with a woman like you? Has he flirted with you or tried to show any special interest in you?
Does it say anything about him that he is with the type of girl he is with? I'm not suggesting that it does or doesn't, but posing the question to you.
One thing I'm curious about is what this so-called "gossip" site is that you are using to get a lot of this information. Gossip is just that. It isn't all of the details, and some of the information could be dead wrong. If you want the full story, you need to search for more information.
What I think you should do is sit down with Mr. W, and ask him if he is happy in his relationship with Ms. A. Make it known that you are concerned for him and just want to make sure he is with someone who is good to him. If you walk away from the conversation with the realization that he seems pretty happy in this relationship but it just has its ups and downs like any other one, then maybe you can't really press the issue. If he seems like he is really kind of upset or unsure about his relationship, then maybe it won't last forever.
Be there for this guy and be his friend. And if you ever know that he is single, and he seems like he could be interested in you? Give him every opportunity to ask you out!
One thing I forgot to say is, maybe he is kind of shy, and won't come right out with his feelings if he is interested in you.
Thanks for your advice.
Mr. W likes me as a good friend and as an elder sister in the past 2 years.
But right now, he spends most of his time with Miss A.
Miss A loses her job now and she picks him up to and from work.
She picks him up for lunch too. She text him all the time.
It seems to me that Miss A cannot live a life without Mr. W.
Mr. W sometimes posts his pictures with Miss A on Facebook.
Mr. W appears to be happy with the crazy Miss A.
But he told me one day "my girlfriend drove me nuts!"
I do not have such a chance to ask Mr. W out because Miss A is always with him.
They are living together like a married couple.
I feel heart broken by Mr. W.
"My Best Friend's Wedding" will teach you what to do with your broken heart, really.
No harm watching, right?
Well Workwife, you said it yourself - Mr. W appears to be happy with Ms. A.
Mr. W might not mind that Ms. A is around a lot, and always keeps in touch with him. For some of us, myself included, a relationship where you are kind of clingy and want to spend as much of your time together as possible is not a bad thing. I'm not sure about you, but if you were with Mr. W then wouldn't you want to talk to him when he's available throughout the day, and go to spend lunches and drives home with him?
It might be unfair to judge Ms. A for losing her job. There could be any number of reasons why she is still unemployed.
It's true that some of us become obsessed and a bit unhealthy in our relationships, which could be the case with Ms. A. But who are any of us to judge? She seems to really love Mr. W if she is spending all of her time with him. Does she seem happy with him? And if she is spending all of her time with him, then maybe she isn't spending so much time off on her own cheating on Mr. W or doing drugs. It's also important not to judge people too much by their past or by common gossip, as difficult as that might be.
Do I think it would be wrong for you to try to sit down and have a serious discussion with Mr. W about your concerns? Not at all! If you feel like this woman is bad for him, or he is bad for her, then maybe you should speak your mind - if he isn't a really stubborn guy then he will probably appreciate your looking out for him.
I also don't think it is wrong for you to tell this guy how you feel. But bear in mind, he seems to be in a happy relationship, and you might make things a little awkward with him if you bring that up. You maybe don't have to come all out with it at once. Maybe you can cleverly ask him little questions here and there to try to determine if he would ever go for you. Like Idk, maybe say something like, "So there's this guy I've known for a while (make up some fake but believable story about him) and I'm not sure how to approach him. What do you think my best assets and qualities are that I might want to accentuate for him?" And take note of his response. Maybe one day you could ask him, "So what do you think it would have been like if we had ever gone out on a date?", if you feel comfortable enough in your friendship that he won't be totally taken aback by the question.
Respect his current relationship and try not to cross any boundaries there. But maybe press him for information that might hint that he would date you if his current relationship ended.
I can tell with 90% confidence that Mr. W is not really happy with Miss A.
They argued a lot over the phone a few months back.
Now, they don't talk over the phone, just text messages.
Mr. W told me one day that Miss A is annoying.
He even said Miss A is giving him a lot of stress , such as urging him to get marry when he is not ready.
One day , he told his friend that Miss A will dump him if he loses his job.
Then, he said Miss A wants him to buy a 1 million dollar home.
Well, he seems happy with her in front of other people to show off that he is a happy man.
Since Miss A loses her job, she bugs him all the day as she is bored.
I don't even have a chance to talk to Mr.W as he is always busy with his own work and Miss A.
I just sit back doing nothing.
My situation is that I don't even have a chance to let Mr. W know I like him.
He likes me as a close friend and an elder sister.
I also remember that Mr. W said Miss A wants him to buy her a $5000 Chanel hand bag.
Mr. W was annoyed and told her that "you are dating a wrong boyfriend!"
I just feel sad when I hang around with Mr. W.
By the way, I am not here to judge Miss A's past.
But the gossip site gives me a clue about Miss A's personality.
Mr W told me that Miss A is annoying , spoiled , snobbish and drives him nuts.
Today, in Washington DC, we had 9/11 attack memorial 5k run everywhere.
I thought of Mr. W.
Mr. W used to run in those competitions.
But he is not interested in those games anymore these days.
Since he lives with Miss A, he is tired all the time. He yawns a lot and has running noise. He feels tired.
I asked him "Do you have a part time job in the evening?"
He said "No, I am just tired of stressful job."
I guess.... he must be going to the bars every evening with Miss A. You know , in the bars, people smokes or do drugs. He may smell the drug!
By the way, I and Mr. W used to share a lot of things.
He is an American and I am Chinese.
I taught him how to speak simple Chinese.
I taught him how to cook Chinese food.
He shared his thoughts with me when he ran into some problems with his work or with his ex-girlfriend.
I shared with him a lot of funny things that I saw every day via email.
I took a lot of nice cherry blossom pictures around Washington DC and shared with him.
He likes the pictures and he even shared the pictures with his grandmother.
But unfortunately, he never introduces me to his grandmother or other family members. He introduces Miss A to his family instead.
But since he met Miss A and started dating her, we are so far apart.
He is always being picked up by Miss A and spends his whole life with her.
He uses her to show off. All he talks about her is her clothing, her BMW car, her rich parents, her investment...
Mr. W changes even though he said Miss A drove him nuts.
Hey again Workwife. So one thing I wanted to say is that this situation you have reminds me a little of my one friend. He met his girlfriend around the time he and I became friends, maybe a bit after. I remember in the beginning, he showed off a flattering picture of her to me and our other friends, but didn't tell us a whole lot about her. He seemed pretty happy at first, and seemed to get along great with her kids - at one point I remember him saying how great it felt to know what it was like to finally be part of a family.
Over time it steadily came out that she wasn't right for him. She constantly freaked out that he might be cheating on her, and he spent more time hanging out with her kids than her. Neither of them really like the same kinds of music or movies, and it is only on rare occasions that they do something together and are both in good spirits. He told me once that he feels like he could do more and accomplish more if he were single. It seems like the one thing keeping them together now is their child, but even then I can't help thinking that he had more in common with some of his exes. And similarly to your Mr. W, it seems like my friend has gotten a lot more tired and lazy in this relationship - like maybe the life and excitement of a better match would do wonders for him.
Anyway, I think you should ask yourself if you truly are a good match for Mr. W, if you think you two have a lot in common and should try to be together? Or if, plain and simple, you just think it would be best for him to get this pesky Ms. A out of his life and find another woman.
Sharing things about your culture and sending him funny and heartwarming emails is nice, but do the two of you connect on a more deep and individual level? Do you like similar music and TV shows? Have similar hobbies or like the same sports? Do you like to do similar things in your spare time, or have similar life plans? Do you think the two of you want the same kinds of things the other has to offer, and could really have the sort of spark you'd need for a relationship?
There is always time to talk about things. If this guy is your friend, he should be able to find a way to have some sort of conversation with you about these things that are on your mind!
Thanks so much for your sharing.
I and Mr. W are workaholic and career oriented. He is a nice and caring guy. We do not have similar favorite music, food or TV shows. We like exercise. He likes running and I like dancing.
He likes to cook American food while I like to cook Chinese food.
But we get along well , just like good friends and good siblings.
On the other hand, he complains that Miss A never cooks for him, asks him to buy her a house and asks him to run errands for him.
It is too early to tell if Mr. W loves me or not. I know him for only 2 years and he has known Miss A for only 1 year.
During the last Memorial Day long weekend, Mr W and Miss A went on vacation and Mr. W paid for the $100 US dollar/day hotel!
Mr. W complaint to me that having a girlfriend is expensive and he is so broke now.
But why Mr. W was willing to pay for the $100/day hotel ?? I don't understand why ???
In June, Miss A was busy studying for her stock broker exam. He helped her studying.
But she failed the exam in July, based on my observation.
Mr W told me and other friends that Miss A loses her job.
I assumed it is because she cannot be a licensed stock broker and get fired.
Or , it may be because she has done something wrong and got fired by her boss.
In the past month, Miss A loses her job and she asked Mr W for lunch every day.
Of course, Mr. W pays for the lunch.
I am not sure if Mr. W is willing to pay for her meals or some other bills.
Mr. W always tells me that he is worrying about his job security.
He believes his company will start lay off people.
But again, why Mr. W continues to pay for Miss A's bills ?
Both of them are having trouble paying off bills.
One more thing.... Mr. W told me something about his family. For example, he said his sister loses her job and he has to help her financially. Whenever Mr. W is bullied by his boss, he talks to me.
One day, he told me and his friends that Miss A does not always listen to him.
I guess Mr. W and Miss A's relationship is based on sex or being a companion of each other.
I don't even have any chance to get closer to Mr.W as he is living with Miss A ....
Mr. W sounds like he likes to be walked over like a rug. He sounds pitiful.
Do you want a man who cannot stand up for himself or fails to make good choices?
Well, I am not sure why Mr. W likes Miss A even though he said she drove him nuts.
Miss A may give him some advantages.
Maybe, her family is treating him well.
Or , maybe, sex is the bond between them.
I met Mr. W in a local gym 2 years ago. Then, we become friends. He referred me a job.
Since then, we have been working in the same company, but different teams.
We have mutual friends from the gym and work.
I know Miss A picking him up from work and to lunch since she loses her job.
I heard from their phone conversation that Miss A did not get along with her boss and led to her unemployment.
It is kind of hard to develop a relationship between co-workers.
If something goes wrong, we may end up fighting at work.
That may be the reason why Mr. W treats me like a friend, a co-worker and a sister.
I ask again:
Do you want a man who cannot stand up for himself or fails to make good choices?
Some men like women who act like this. She is exciting and uncontrollable. He must like the misery.
If you want to get out of the "friend, co-worker and sister" then you are going to have to be more assertive.
But - really - I ask again: WHY would you want a man like that?
Well, Mr W is nice to me.
We have gone through a lot of rough days at work together even though we are in different teams,
but we still get along. We share a lot of thoughts like very close friends.
I don't know how Miss A wins his heart honestly.
I guess that is so called "love blinds people".
While I think Susie has a valid point as always, I am going to have to disagree with her here. I don't think anything that you've said, workwife, suggests that Mr. W is a total pushover who makes nothing but bad decisions, and lives for the drama and torture. That could be the case - it's one way you could interpret this situation. But I realize that relationships are complicated things.
Workwife, I think Susie was right when she said you aren't being assertive enough. Like I said up above you need to make an effort to have conversations with Mr. W and discuss things. You will never get anywhere with him if you don't talk.
You have to find out how he feels about you, and if there could be chemistry there. How discreet or forward you want to be while figuring that all out, is up to you.
I will say - and forgive me if this seems too racist or sexist or generalized, I don't mean it to - that quite a lot of American men find Asian women attractive. You care a lot about your health and fitness apparently, since you visit the gym regularly, and you also seem very reserved and traditional - a lot of men also like that. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, and while there is a possibility that you might not be just what he is looking for, you already have some really nice features going for you that you could attract him with.
Once again, being shy and passive about this whole situation is definitely holding you back. If this man is good to you and you feel something for him, that is special to you and something that is worth pursuing. Just keep in mind that Ms. A's feelings also come into play a bit here. But if she is giving him an ultimatum about buying them a house and getting him into financial trouble, then maybe they are already pulling apart a bit and - bingo - you have an opening to 'swoop' in and show him a better love.
Hi, Altreal, thanks for your advice.
I knew Mr. W met Miss A early last year.
Then, I know they started dating and hang out a lot.
Last September and October of last year, we had Labor Day and Columbus day long weekends.
I asked Mr. W out to the beach to take some photos and etc.
He rejected me saying that he wanted to visit his family.
I've expected that he must hang out with Miss A besides visiting his family.
All I could do is to send him the nice photos that I took myself in the beach.
(Photography is my most favorite hobby.)
Last November, I asked Mr. W if he could invite me to his Thanksgiving dinner with his family.
He told me to join other friends instead. That is another turn down.
I guessed he invited Miss A to his Thanksgiving dinner with his family.
When he came back from the Thanksgiving weekend, he showed me his turkey picture.
I asked him "Can I get a bite of your turkey?"
He said "I can give you the recipe!"
I felt that I was stupid.
I assumed he only wanted to enjoy the time off with Miss A, not me.
I know it is pretty tough to ask a guy out while he is dating someone else.
Guys nowadays may think girlfriends should be someone they meet online, not someone they meet from gym/work/church.
Let your relation with him have its own way.
And dont worry...you will definitely find someone better than Mr.W
Dear friends of peoplesproblems.org,
Yesterday (Saturday) was my birthday.
I usually don't mention my birthday to anyone and don't celebrate it.
Last year , Mr. W bought me some cupcakes and celebrated my birthday with other co-workers.
That was the most precious gift for me.
But this year, he took a week's long vacation and flew to somewhere with Miss A.
I haven't seen him for over a week now. I feel that we are strangers who are far apart.
I feel alone this year.
Do you know what "birthday gift" I got from Mr. W? He keeps posting pictures on Facebook with Miss A while he is on vacation !!!
They seem like a happy couple on vacation.
That really hurts my feeling.
I don't want to talk to my friends/family. They won't understand me anyway.
They will ask me "Why do you fall in love with a co-worker?" or "do you know office romance will create a hostile work environment?"
My voice is too little to be heard. My love is too small to be discovered.
I have nowhere else to get my steam out.