My wife wants to divorce but I don't
I'm sorry but this is going to be long.
My wife and I started dating at a young age she was 15 and I was 17 at the time. Together we decided we wanted to start a family. I knew I was going to join the Air Force so I wasn't too worried about our financial situation with a kid. Eventually we did exactly what we had planned and got pregnant with our first child. Our parents weren't too happy about it because of how young we were but they surprisingly understood our situation. So we started the family we always wanted and got marries.
I joined the Air Force and it was tough because she was pregnant while I went through BMT and my technical school for my job so I wasn't able to be there to help her with the pregnancy like I should've been but I was doing this for us. When I was done with my training we moved in together at my first duty station and things were tough because I had no idea what I was in for. I was extremely stressed out when I first arrived and I wasn't really paying attention to my wife as much as I should've been but I had a lot going on.
About a year into our marriage my wife cheated on me because she felt she wasn't getting the attention she deserved and I feel like it was my fault that it had happened. I have always been an angry person because I didn't have an ideal childhood and I never wanted to treat my wife or kids the way my dad treated my mom and his kids. I tried my hardest to not be like him but I feel like i failed at that. I realize I was emotionally abusive to her a lot but I feel the act was shared because she reciprocated the abusiveness. Our marriage consisted of us mostly fighting the first two years and her leaving for a few months but in the end she would come back and we would try to work on things but we never actually had a full good year until 2015. I worked on myself and realized the mistakes I had made and tried to better myself which is why I think things got better.
We were actually happy together for the whole year. I had begun to work on myself and things were going great until the end of the year when she came out and told me she didn't love me anymore. As it stands right now she wants a divorce but I want to work on things the only reason she has right now for wanting to leave me is that she doesn't love me anymore but I know that people fall in and out of love all the time. We both realized now that communication was the main problem and were both a bit more mature now but she doesn't want to go get help with me because she doesn't feel like she can ever love me again. I could really use some advice on what to do. Thank you for your time.
You're right that people fall in and out of love many times throughout a long relationship or marriage. This sounds like something different. At least for her. And, the fact that she's unwilling to work with you, or even with a counselor, for her own benefit and the benefit of the marriage? Speaks volumes. She's already checked out of this relationship, it sounds. There's nothing you can do about that. You can't keep a marriage together if you're the only one that wants to be in it.
You have not said how you feel about her, only that you want to save the marriage and mentions of your own struggles. Hmmm.... Is that how you've communicated to her about your concerns for your relationship? If so, that's a much bigger problem, for both of you. Wanting not to fail, or wanting to keep the family unit together because that's how you saw it in your head, is not nearly a good enough reason to stay married, for either of you.
Have you been seeing a counselor on your own? Or because she wasn't eager to go with you, did you not go either? Regardless, I highly recommend you see a counselor, regardless of what she chooses to do. Take care of yourself. Get your emotional health squared away. Give the marriage and her every chance you can stand to make it work. Be true to you, and whatever happens will be what's right. You have to let go of the result and focus on the process of getting your own issues worked through. You can't "fix" her, or the marriage unless that's also what she wants. So do what you need to for you, and either she'll work with you, or she won't. After 26 years together, I had to accept my marriage was simply over. It sucked. But we're both so much happier now that we're out of it. And, it took a lot less time to realize it was the best decision than I thought it would. In less than 4 months, I had no doubt walking away was the right thing, for both of us. Sometimes you don't know what you had til it's gone, and sometimes, that actually turns into more of a relief than a loss...
Either way, you can't save this if you're the only that wants to. Trust me. Tried that for 3 years at the end. And broke my own heart, over and over and over again. I don't recommend that... So focus on you, and let her do the same. If you can work it out, you'll have a better shot at making it last. But only if you both get yourselves squared away and on the same page.
Best of luck. <3
Mamabear, to answer your question about if that's how I've communicated us not getting divorce to her the answer is no. During this time I've told her that no matter what I love her even if she doesn't love me and I've shared all my feelings with her about how I feel about the situation.
I feel like things can get better but you're right she doesn't want to work on things but only because she doesn't believe she can ever love me again which I think isn't true. She didn't want to go see a counselor at first but she finally agreed to go talk to one so I feel like it's the only chance I'm gonna get to make her feel like she can love me again so I'm gonna give this one last go everything I've got to prove to her she can love me again.
Thank you so much for the advice hopefully we can figure things out and in the end if it doesn't work out I understand now that I need to do what's best for my children and for myself.
That's very good to hear, PW. Good for you. Making sure the other person knows how you feel is the way you follow your path of least regret, so kudos to you there.
Here's what I had to accept about my (going to be ex-)husband. Especially if she's not getting any outside help, WHATEVER SHE THINKS, SHE IS RIGHT. And that won't change. Not until or unless she seeks an opinion outside of her own. If she doesn't believe she can love you again, she's right. Whether it's the truth or not is irrelevant, unfortunately. This is how you break your own heart over and over and over again. Trying to get someone to give you something they don't have to give.
Still, I encourage you to do whatever is best for you. If that's to give it one more go, and give it everything you've got? Then do that. Just try to let go of the result. Because you have no control over that. Remind yourself you'll be fine regardless of how badly it may hurt at times. Whether you let her go, or you work it out, there will be tough days and nights ahead. That, you can count on.
So take care of yourself and let her see you getting healthier. Maybe you'll inspire her. Maybe she'll see the man she wanted to raise a family with. Or, maybe she'll not change anything, including her mind. But, if you take care of your own emotional health first, and be true to your heart, you'll have fewer regrets looking back, and a better start moving forward. Whether it's separately or together.
Big hugs. <3
p.s.: I'm very happy to hear she's *reluctantly* agreed to see a counselor. I hope she plans to see one individually as well as a couple. That said... if she's not open to actually working on her own emotional health, it's not likely to make a real difference. Because again, if she's not truly seeking (or open to) an outside opinion or advice, then whatever she believes will remain.
I really hope she goes to counseling, and that she lets it do some real work within her. Just try to remember you matter too, and you are being given a chance for real personal growth. You can't make her take this same opportunity, just be supportive of the fact she's at least giving it a try. Very proud of you for taking this chance, regardless of the outcome. <3
Thank you again MB I really appreciate it!