I don't know what to do?
I'll start off from the beginning. Last year I started college, a college where I didn't know anybody and having social anxiety and depression made it even more difficult to make new friends. I remember having my first English lesson and a guy was put next to me, me being shy I hardly spoke but he was persistent on getting to know me, which came as a shock because it's the first time anybody has ever really tried. As the lesson progressed we began to talk more and more about all different kinds of things, by the end of the lesson I thought he was a really nice guy, he was chatty, friendly and just came across really well.
As the days went by on break he came to find me and we started to hang out, every break. He had his friends from his secondary school in the canteen but he chose to be with me, we exchanged numbers and began to talk every night after college, for hours. We became really good friends and I knew I had found someone special.
He began to open up a lot to me, something he rarely does due to trust issues but with me he felt he could trust me, which felt great. He told me he was bisexual also, something else he hadn't really discussed with others.
At the beginning of college all I wanted to do was make new friends, and I finally did. I was happy, I had someone I could speak to and connect with, we both had similar things happen to us in our lives, I just felt that connection. As the months went by we continued to hang out and learn more about each other. After a while I realised I was beginning to get feelings. I didn't want this to happen, I told myself to stop but I just couldn't. I thought I could just brush it off but as time went on the feelings I had became stronger and stronger, I still now have to sit there when he tells me about a new guy or girl he has met, I have to act pleased for him when really, inside I was hurting. I began taking time off of college, I just laid in bed all day imagining scenarios that were never going to happen. In my life this is the first time I have ever felt this way about anyone.
Nearly at the end of the college year I remember us walking the longest route to the bus stop which he said he wanted to do so he could spend more time with me, sometimes our hands would just touch and he wouldn't move them. He would hug me for quite long periods of time, look into my eyes and when we stood he would always pull me a little closer. I started to wonder if he had begun to start liking me, of course I was over the moon but then as I started to observe his behavior, he would also hug his other friends and act kind of how he does with me, immediately my heart sank and I told myself how stupid I was, I really thought he perhaps started to feel something. Even some of the teachers had asked both of us if we were dating, he would sort of laugh and say no, I'd do the same.
In July it was our last month in college, my depression was getting worse as I always thought about how am I going to cope without seeing him everyday in the holidays, I began self harming because I couldn't deal with what I was about to face - not seeing him. It was painful, I was hurting inside, everyday it was the same, I'd wake up with dark thoughts, I dreamed most nights in my sleep about me and him being together, on holidays and being happy so when I woke up I realise that's not what will happen.
When the holidays did arrive we spoke everyday over text, but not once did he ask to meet, and I wasn't going to ask in fear or rejection. Most nights I would lay awake, not being able to sleep because I miss him so much. I would wonder why he doesn't ask me to go out as all over his social media is pictures of him and his mates living and enjoying life whilst I was sitting in, doing nothing but overthink. I would receive messages sometimes of him telling me he misses me, but if he did why doesn't he ask to see me. I get a lot of mixed signals, one minute he wants to hold hands on the way home and the next thing he doesn't bother asking to see me.
So, we are now back in college, feelings are stronger than ever, still dealing with every day as it comes and hearing him tell me about his sexual encounters he has had over the holidays And I've realised I cannot keep doing this anymore. I am tired of how this makes me feel. I know however I decide to deal with this it's not going to be easy. I have never once told him how I feel because we have such a good friendship and where I do not have many friends I don't want to ruin it or make things awkward, I don't know if I should cut him off as a friend even though that will really hurt me or just continue with trying to hide how I feel. This week I have been feeling suicidal every day, I lay there and I picture him with other guys and girls, I see him in a relationship, being happy, without me. I can't do this anymore, I thought I was stronger than this but this just makes me realise, I'm not strong at all.
I'd really appreciate any advice on what you think I should do next or what you would do if you was in my situation, thank you.
Hi, I know how you feel about the anxiety and feeling awkward when someone expresses an interest in being your friend. I would be careful to express to him your feelings. You can turn your feelings like this when you have no friends or have someone pay attention to you. Sometimes we confuse liking someone in a different way when in reality we are attracted to their attention to us. It feels good when someone likes us for who we are.
When someone pays attention to you, it doesn't always mean that it is meant for a relationship. It is your choice if you want to express your feelings and like everything in life there are risks. Risks aren't bad, it's just that it can lead to disappointments if it doesn't work out the way you wanted it. Just be prepared.
You are not the only person to experience disappointments. It's part of life even though we don't want it to be disappointing. I think you should look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself if he's really who you want as a relationship partner. Any concerns or red flags you feel about him? Sometimes we brush them off when we really like someone and think they will be different. They are who they are.
I would like to tell you to seek out hobbies or volunteering activities to help distract you because when we think so much about only one person, it can drive you insane and makes it hard to sort out your intense feelings.
I will, however, advice that you seek some kind of counseling for your anxiety. Don't expect a quick recovery, but I would start exploring counseling to help you sort out your issues. It takes time and you're not the only one who feels alone in this. Start counseling in your college. I am sure they have one. Don't be afraid to try it.
I was diagnosed with depression before I met him but it is making it harder to deal with than before so the whole situation does need to be sorted as soon as possible, it's been going on for too long plus it is affecting my studies because I can't fully focus or concentrate.
I was planning to see a counselor next week, it may help.
Thank you for your reply.