Just venting 2
So I'm back, for those who do not know (or just don't remember) I wrote quite a few paragraphs on this site a while back (somewhere in may) titled something like just venting to be honest. I pretty much talked about a lot of things I was thinking about back then. I stopped thinking about those things for a while and now they're back, so I decided to start writing again.
So the first time around, I talked a lot about me being a virgin and never having a girlfriend, and now I somewhat want to continue on that in a different way. Before I start tho, some of you might realize (probably the ones who read the first thread I wrote) and others might just need some sort of introduction so lets start with that and I'll get back on the whole virgin stuff.
So last time (realizing now I started every paragraph with so) when I started writing on here, it was because I started thinking about a lot of stuff at night, because my mind can go racing to do all kinds of things when there's nothing else for it to do. Why am I back? Am I awake till 3 o'clock again? No, it's a reasonable 23:30 right now (which is OK I guess) and I've been going to bed at normal hours (maybe half past 12, 1 o'clock). I'm not really sure what caused my mind to go haywire again (and this time, it's the first evening my mind went haywire), although funnily enough, I've been sleeping rather poorly, only this time it's not at night, it's in the mornings. I wake up incredibly early (like 7) so I only sleep for like 6-7 hours, which makes it incredibly difficult for me to get out of bed (I'm still a night owl after all). The great thing is I've been going to bed at reasonable times, the bad part, I wake up too early.
Now I've got that small introduction out of the way, let's get going. So I was running this evening (yeah, for like 2 whole miles! at least it's something) and I was walking back the last part (cooling down is important) I saw a couple (no? A couple? walking outside? blasphemy!) so that's not really special, I know, but my reaction was and it surprised me. First I thought ah, that's cute, for like a split second. Then I got really mad at them and got actually angry and annoyed. I know why tho, I was fully aware of it the second I got angry, it's because they're in a relationship and I'm not, not really new for people to think that probably, but still a new one for me and it surprised me.
I was seeing somebody to talk about my feelings and shit in like June and July, which made me understand a bit more about myself (this has nothing to do with the other story tho, but it popped in my head) but they the summer holiday started and it was somebody at the university so I stopped going. To be honest, even though it did kinda put my mind at ease talking to that person, it still wasn't really what I expected of it. I had to do all kinds of challenges for myself to try and open up a bit more and we talked a bit during the sessions, but it was mostly her talking and asking me stuff. I like to just ramble about stuff, like I'm doing here, but I can't do that when other people are around, I'm very good at doing that kinda stuff in the evenings, when my mind isn't thinking about the person in front of me, because there is nothing in front of me.
I did learn something about myself tho, I'm not sure if it falls into the category introvert or not, but I realized why I don't really like to ask people for stuff and even tho the person I was talking to didn't realize that (or just didn't tell me, not sure which one) I figured it out by her asking questions to me and when I didn't exactly know how to describe it just fill in some blanks for me, I don't like to ask people to help me/do something for me/open up about myself because I don't know what they'll say. Mind you, I don't mean I don't know if it will be positive or negative, if they'll laugh at me for not knowing something, look at me weird because I told them something, but because I DON'T KNOW. So basically, I can't anticipate for it and can't prepare for it (yay, control freak!). Now I don't know if that is necessarily being a control freak or just lacking certain social skills (which wouldn't really surprise me) but that's the best way I can describe something. And I'm not trying to say I don't do stuff mainly because of that, it's also to avoid confrontations, but it is a reason. Maybe avoiding confrontations and not being able to anticipate it is kinda the same thing, I don't know, but anyhow, that's my reasoning.
I'm also not sure when I'll go back to seeing the person at my university to talk a bit more, I'm also not sure if I want to, because every time I had to fill in some form, about what stuck with me and if I did the challenge and how I felt and if there were any topics I wanted to discuss the next time. I'm not really great with realizing what I'm feeling at any certain moment. That doesn't know I'm not in touch with my emotions, I just can't identify them (maybe being able to identify them is what being in touch with your emotions is, but you can be the judge, I'm not going to write eight more sentences thinking about that).
Also the 'what do you want to discuss next?' question, I don't know... Just stuff, how to not be afraid of confrontations, especially not the stupid small ones, about how to not over-analyse everything. But writing that down, week after week, while doing challenges I don't really understand the purpose of, talking about things I can't express because I don't know how to when somebody is staring at me waiting for an answer. That shit's annoying, my mind can over-analyse things like crazy and at the same time, I'm very good at just thinking about nothing, just clearing my head and only focusing on my breathing and just relaxing, but as soon as somebody asks me something and is just there, waiting for an answer, my mind decides to focus on the fact that this person is waiting for an answer, that they're looking at me while waiting, that there are three screws in that wall, how they're kinda wonky, how the tips of the leaves of that plant are slightly brownish. How it is taking me quite a while now to come up with an answer, all those things.
So that's why I might not go back, because even though it might be helping me somehow, I don't understand how, I can't really think when also having a conversation with somebody and I hate to answer those questions.
Honestly, when I started this post, I didn't think I would write this much, it does surprise me how much I tend to write once I've started (it always surprised me when I wrote here in may as well) maybe it has something to do with me liking to talk about stuff I'm good at, that I know (and I do know myself quite a bit) but having to do this in person would suck because that would mean I had to open up to somebody. Now I don't have to! Because in my mind, none of you have a face, which is a nice thought. You know me better (especially the ones who read and slightly remember my first thread) than anyone (except for myself) and yet, I will never run into you. I would like to thank you for reading everything. Feel free to ramble a bit here as well if you've got something on your mind and need a place, not to ask for advice, but to just get it out of your head and on paper (or LCD, in this case).
I think it's unfair to feel angry when you see a couple walk by, but I'm sure we've all been there. Maybe we become judgmental, and feel that the guy who is with the girl isn't good enough for her, or that we would be better for her. And sometimes, we're just sickened by the idea of couples, or sex, or any aspect related to those things and want to get away from it.
Women are really difficult to figure out and understand, for most of us guys. It seems like it should be so simple to enter a relationship, or just find a date, but it really isn't. And the things that we want in a partner could ultimately change over time, so there's that too.
I have talked to a few counselors in the past. I think there were, kind of as you describe, these little moments with interesting discoveries, but usually not the ones I was looking for. Usually not enough was done about the main issues that I wanted to deal with. honestly I learned more from just living than talking to people, I guess.
Not sure how old you are or if I'd read your first post. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a virgin, though certainly, most of us would rather like to be sexually active. I used to have this thought that I wanted to meet a woman who was a virgin and we would become a couple and lose our virginity together. And well, it's a nice thought, one that would have been great. Except a lot of the people I went to high school with had already had sex, or seemed to have. And a lot of the girls I had seen around who hadn't had sex, it's not that they didn't have sex because they wanted to wait for the right person, so much as it was because of their religion, or because they weren't attractive by any means. And then I realized that I had always really liked the idea of sleeping with more than one woman in my life and realized that maybe my own ideals were contradictory. And factored in with the realization that I was about to turn 22 and was no longer a young guy with a lot of options, I gave in and accepted my failure. And I felt like I didn't deserve a lot of things and that is why my life was the way it was. In reality, I just don't have much confidence and I am short, and women are extremely picky until they get old, gain a lot of weight or become a single mother, or something.
I'm not exactly sure what it is that you are looking for in this post, what you want from us. I get that you are venting, but I'm not 100% sure which point you were trying to focus on amidst all of this. I think in order to get an answer better-tailored to your problem, you need to figure out exactly what question it is that you want to ask us. Interesting discussions will likely follow.
Anyway, hopefully my response helps answer things in some way for you. If you have any follow-up, I'll try my best to help again!
One of the many struggles of a young adult, carried forward from teenage years
I'll encourage you to go see "that person" in your university to talk abit more.
"What do you want to discuss next?"... I don't know..
I want to know how not to be afraid of confrontation.
I want to know how not to over analyse everything.
I want to know why can't I answer the question posed, instead I'm focusing on the brown tips of the leaves.
Say exactly what is on your mind. Even if it is..
I'm thinking of a Christmas tree now.
Only by talking it out, like how you are doing it here, can "that person" help you.
"I had to do all kinds of challenges for myself..."
Yes, you have to. Because it is your journey. Others can give you a helping hand but ultimately, it is your journey.
Therefore empower yourself. Use the opportunities, while you are with "that person", to practice "confrontation" (if that's what you call it)..... to strengthen your weakness.
Read on the advantages of being an introvert