Want to divorce my husband of 14 years
I have been married for 14 years and honestly don't want to be married to my husband anymore. We married very young. I was 19 and he was 23. We had many problems from the beginning and even separated for six months around our 7th year of marriage. He was very passive early on and would never discuss his feelings with me and even had an emotional affair with a coworker. It caused a lot of resentment and bitterness and trust issues for me. I fell out of love with him and simply tolerated him. My feelings came out with the way I treated him. We decided to renew our wedding vows and start over around our 10th year. That was a bust. I had finally reached my point of no return at our 12th year. I decided I wanted out. Then found out I was pregnant. So I put divorce on hold. The truth is the only thing that has prevented me from divorcing him already is the financial aspect and the fact we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. He is a great father and has been a great provider but I am completely miserable in our marriage. We are basically roommates who share parental responsibilities. Neither of us can stand each other and we basically live separate lives. We never spend time together and rarely ever have sex. We have gone as long as two whole years without sex once. We only talk about our daughter and things involving finances or our house but otherwise we do not talk. We bicker a lot and I worry about my daughter picking up on the tension in our household. Its not a dangerous environment or anything but I do not want to teach her that its okay to stay in a loveless marriage. I myself was a child of divorce and my parents divorce was UGLY. I hate the thought of my daughter going through a divorce but I also know how to handle it better due to my own experience. My husband and I agreed to seek mediation if we ever decided to divorce instead of attacking each other with selfish lawyers. I would agree to joint custody and he could see her every day if he wanted. I would never drag her into our business or make her choose sides. It is too damaging for the child and I will not do that to my daughter. So my question is, do I suck it up and try and make the marriage work for the sake of my daughter? What happens if we cannot make it work and she is say 10 years old when we finally divorce? I worry about how it will affect her later on the older she gets. I wonder if it would be better to divorce now while she is young and clueless of the situation. I do not know if my husband and I can ever truly be happy again. He seems to think we can but I have my doubts. Neither of us put forth any effort. We are basically staying together because its convenient. I just don't want to do anything to hurt my daughter. I am currently working on my Masters degree and trying to get a promotion so I will be more financially stable on my own. I am debating on whether to divorce him in a year once I get my stuff lined out. But I worry about the logistics involving my daughter and co-parenting. Does anybody have any experience they can share? I would appreciate any advice.
I'm going to let those with more experience handle this. I'm sure they'll follow me after I post this. However in almost all cases pre divorce marriage counseling doesn't help. You both have to want to make it work. So some might say don't waste anymore time and divorce you'll both be happier. Or some might say a good relationship takes participation of both husband and wife communication is the key to a good marriage. Or someone might have some better advice here?
I guess I could say a little more. You both already discussed this and agreed about the custody issue with your daughter so at least you're both prepared. If you're both ready to throw in the towel and don't want to try to resolve your marriage then divorce. Hopefully you both will have learned from this and move on. I personally don't believe in marriage. Marriage is all about commitment, dedication, communication and love. Something our society just doesn't have anymore.
... never discuss his feelings with me...
....emotional affair with a co-worker. It caused a lot of resentment...
On the 10th year, you renew the vows i.e. To try save the marriage.
On the 12th year, you give up. But you found out you were pregnant.
Your daughter is 2 1/2 years old and still thinking of divorce.
Neither of us put forth any effort.
... ever truly happy again. He seems to think we can..."
Think back... Your dating days. Did he talk about his day to day, did he share about his feelings with you? We (human) love to talk, among other things, about our feelings. Chances are that he did.
Somewhere along, he bacame passive, perhaps, that's why the emotional affair. When he stopped sharing his feelings with you, he started sharing them with someone else. If we do a postmortem, we would want to know why did he become passive.
*No time-together therefore no opportunities to communicate?
*cant agree with ideas and shot them down without hesitation?
*no patience for the long story?
When you don't forgive and you hold on to the wrong he did, your pain manifested in your actions. That only caused the two of you to drift further apart.
To or not not divorce is for you to decide. How to decide:
1) No fear - look at it as options. Either route has its plus and minus.
2) Gather information -
a) if you choose to stay, read and brush up on how to 'stay married and be happy', leading to love, patience, perseverance, communication skill, loving kindness... Let go of the hurt, every day is new. You are the one who suffer the most if you don't let go. Why? Because you are the one who's carrying the Huge Baggage, obviously you are the one who is tired/aching/suffering. Anyone who is carrying a Huge Baggage for 14 years would be. It is hard to stay married and be truly happy if you hold on to his wrong(s).
b) if you choose to go, upgrade "working on my masters degree", financial planning...
Children suffer in divorces...
1)Read up on the negative effects of divorce on children
2) and Helping children cope with divorce.
- If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting -
That is what it is, for the past 14 years. Make a decision, and work on your choice. Bear in mind there is no right or wrong. Only choices.
Serenity, courage and wisdom.