In a strange state of limbo
JIGGLYCHU - Sep 18 2016 at 17:33
In need of some advice, first up the story!
Ok, so I was in a long term relationship of 5 and a half years, and I broke up with the girl because I found her flirting and exchanging dirty photos with men online, this was the third time it had happened, so I lost the plot a little bit.
Anyway the reason for my break up was to try and teach her a lesson, a lesson which horribly back fired! Within a month she flew to America to see friends for 3 weeks, I wasn't too bothered as I felt she needed space. I didn't message her once the whole time she was there. When she returned she made contact again, and we started meeting up and going for dates, there was no sex involved, but some kissing and cuddling etc... We kept meeting up every 2 weeks or so until now, it's been 4 months since the break-up. Her stuff is still at my place apart from the obvious things she took with her, we still pay each others bills that we had, her car finance is paid by me, my phone bill paid by her etc..
Recently I found out, that the only reason she went to America was to meet a man! I also found out that she has feeling for him and they are going to try and make it work despite the ridiculous distance, I also found out that she was selling stuff to fund a trip again, but she couldn't sell enough and that he may be coming here instead! Unfortunately I completely lost it and we had a big argument on the phone, she re-assured me that she although she did feel she had a connection with the guy, nothing was going to happen, and nothing did happen in America. She also told me that she loves me and I messed with her head so much as she thought I would never split up with her.
So 3 days ago we met up again and she stayed over, still cuddling, but not as much. the next day I was in work and she stayed at my place for the day, when I came back she had cleaned the whole place up which was weird. As she was leaving I tried to kiss her and she pushed me away and said "this is weird, I'm sorry" and then she left, so I walked away and didn't contact her that evening, she did contact me eventually that evening, and thus we carried on talking.
So this is where the advice is needed, I really love this girl, she is the only relationship I have had over 2 years, I'm 28 now, and really need to get a life in order. However I want to know what the hell is going on? I can see that this limbo state is killing us both, but what does she want?
1 - Is she waiting for me to ask her to be in a relationship again before we kiss etc again?
2 - does she want the relationship to end but can't let go?
3 - Does she need more time to think things over?
4 - Am I just the back-up plan in case it all goes wrong with someone else?
5 - other?
I am meeting her in 3 days, but we can't be in this limbo anymore, I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but right now, we can't heal and move on if nothing is going to happen.
So tell me peeps, what do I do in 3 days time?
Thank you in advance.
Looks like option #4 would be my choice. You don't need the stress I'm sure others would analyze this differently. There would be definite trust issues with her. Move on find someone who genuinely wants and loves you.
Your problems started when you first broke up with her, when you found her flirting and exchanging pics online. No one in a successful relationship goes online to flirt - they wouldn't have the need to do it if they were happy with their partner. Plenty of people have gone down your path of trying to teach their partner a lesson after being cheated on (yes, it is) but you need to understand that you can't change or fix your relationship alone, no matter which method you use, rather it needs to have both of you 'on the same page' and both share the same need to fix it.
You need to look at her on going actions and realize that they are not the actions of someone who instills faith and trust in their relationship. Sure, you may love this girl, and it's your heart which lets you still pay her bills while she's miles away with someone else. She doesn't reciprocate your love, instead, she uses empty words.
You don't have to give her an ultimatum, rather you need to make decisions for yourself which allows you to move on properly from her. If you need to take control of your life and sort it, then this is one instance where you need to cut your ties to a situation which just leaves you in limbo, wondering and waiting. Let this girl go and get on with your life.
Looks like you have put in a lot into this relationship emotionally. This is causing you to be in this state of limbo. You do not feel that your effort to make this relationship work is not being reciprocated by your partner. My advise in this situation is take your foot off the gas, as this would ease your emotional state correspondingly make you feel lighter. By this I mean treat her as a friend just like you would treat a very good friend and focus on your well being instead. I just feel you have been emotionally drained and you cannot afford to go on like this. You need to get back to enjoying your life. The reason for this relationship in the first place is for both of you to be happy and not to be miserable. There is a big world out there, maybe you are stuck in one small corner so open up yourself and feel the world.