Is she un-committed or just stubborn?
FACTION3 - Sep 19 2016 at 18:32
Have been very sad today at the prospect of breaking up with my girlfriend of seven months. I'm 26 and she's 37 with two teenage children. We get along very well and have seen each other multiple nights a week all along.
This will sound petty of me at first but there's some stuff underneath the surface so bear with me.
I have been wanting to watch a film (Sausage Party) for a couple of months and when I showed her the advert she seemed keen to go. It came out at our local place this weekend - she's free, I'm free....there's just the minor issue that she streamed it online a couple of weeks ago. She told me the next day and scoffed about it not being very good and told me not to worry, we'll give it a miss. Then and there I wasn't too bothered, but when we didn't have anything to do on Saturday it got under my skin slightly... And this is where it gets a bit more complicated.
She's extremely busy (two kids + full time job + weekend job(s). I have to be very patient and flexible - sometimes she says "I'll come to yours for once on Wednesday, if you like?"....and then has to backtrack for [insert totally reasonable excuse here]...other times she will turn up three hours late and it's a week night so we have to be up early anyway. I'm a bit touchy over this incident because we don't get many opportunities for dates. Going to a film is a nice and easy one.
The point is I am usually able to let things go, being a patient person. What has bothered me here is the lack of an apology - she won't admit it was unnecessary and wrong to stream the film and perhaps say she'll make it up to me. There have been times where I did/said something stupid, and when I've realised so I'll get her some flowers and say sorry. I get that it's a small thing about the film, but she won't even say sorry.
Normally I'd let it go because for the most part it's a healthy relationship with some specific but livable-with issues. It's usually worth making an effort to me.The issue I have in this case is that for once I have a gripe and when I complain it's, "just ridiculous" / "if you're going to fall out with me on this then I think wet should just call it a day between us." This doesn't seem like a fair reaction if we're both committed. I get an earful from her when I mess up the washing or wake her up, but I don't say "right well that's it then I've had enough of this arguing".
We have a deep connection most of the time and we're usually very playful together, so I'm quite distraught - hence the long post - thanks fur sticking with it!
I don't know whether to move on and look for somebody with a little more to give, or to back down as usual (..afterall it could just be a silly thing we laugh about later). I'm not without fault and it'll be hard to find somebody else who puts up with me, as I'm not without fault, hehe.
TL;DR: do you move on to look for someone with a bit more to give in your relationship, when you're risking losing a great connection with someone?
Thanks all xx
Anything that makes you search out help, in my opinion, is something you need to talk to her about.
The fact that your looking for answers means you're still interested.
You have to identify what it is actually that has gotten under your skin. I'm going through my own dilemma at the moment...and let me tell you I've been trying to reason it out for a year. Yes, a year. We've been together nearly 3 years. My point is, if you are interested in fixing it, and clearly you are, than the only way to do that is identify the root cause and talk about it.
With her... not us :-D
I actually agree with Chuck (comment above me)
He basically said what I was going to say.
Bring it up to her and try and talk things out. figure out where she stands with you. Then you can only go from there. I wish you the best.
...But obviously you can PRE-talk about it with us, if you like. :-) I think that's all Chuck and Nexus meant.
Question: how recently was the fight? Today? And is/was it your first proper fight?
Your issue is that while you are committed, she isn't. Sure, she has other responsibilities, but you need to realize that she controls your relationship to the extent of threatening to call it off over what she deems to be something petty, while you look at it as important. You either accept her as she is or you move to someone else with 'a bit more give' as you state, because you can't change her or her current circumstances.
You may have a connection but you need to step back and look at your relationship from a different angle because you're trying to keep a relationship on track to what you expect. You wonder about whether she will make things up to you, because of her mistake, in your opinion, when basically, if she was serious about your relationship, it would be a given that she cared about you, and therefore would be considerate about your efforts to contribute and considerate of your patience and flexibility.
Your little actions of buying flowers shows your affection for her, and your need to apologize to her when you have erred, but when you question it and expect her to do the same for you, it's telling you that your relationship with her is not the what you need.
You have a deep connection because of certain reasons, look at these reasons and then determine if they are enough for you to be happy and remain with her.
Or she might be insufficiently capable of committing to the degree you'd like at 7 months in because she's got too much on her plate, hasn't had a chance yet to get her head around this new single working mum lifestyle yet, and, what's more (worse) has two, probably still emotionally 'disturbed', teenagers to try to keep happy?...meaning, your insistence that she apologise for (her perception) something she presumably didn't deliberately try to upset you over is a case of too much pressure atop of everything else?
You should wait until the dust has genuinely cleared and you and she are in a happy, cosy, relaxed position (e.g. right after 'how's yer father') and then gently ask her why she didn't feel any need to apologise or whether that was just heat-of-the-moment denial. That way you'll probably get a less flippant and angry response.
Give her another chance to better appreciate why her action (and what you think it stood for) upset you and then see....and take it from there.
PS: Household to run, full-time job, weekend job-ZUH, and two post-divorcal teenagers. "Gaaaaah!".
Do you ever offer to lend a hand, by the way?
Many thanks for your input(s in some cases!).
I posted on the day after a text exchange that contained the 'break-up' suggestion by her. I'd slept on it, then toiled over the thing all day, unfortunately for me. I went to have quite a big talk with her later that night and after the original post.
She's distraught at the idea of breaking up, like she cried during our chat. When I said "we're not going to see eye-to-eye on this, shall we call it quits?", she didn't answer and just kept looking at me. That sparked the conversation. By the end, we agreed that she needed to do some thinking because it's her that has so much going on.
So we know the emotions are there, but we know that she might not really have time for a deepish relationship. She admits that, in fact she's been saying it for a while. You know how when you talk to somebody and the conversation is positive, so it all makes sense. But then you go away and the clarity disappears, you're back at step 1 (lecturer one-to-ones are exactly the same)..... Well that's where I am today.
It seemed like she needed to have a think for a few days to face the reality that I'm facing, i.e. a nagging feeling it's just not working. That way, whatever the outcome, we could both have some input and at least get past the repeated suggestions to sack it in, by either doing so or not.
You can guess where this is going can't you- she's not had time to think about it. Haha, how ironic; not 'absurd' because she has indeed been extremely busy (won't bore with the details....)....
I just don't bloomin' know at this point. I'm quite a relaxed guy so I can deal with the ambiguity generally.
She claims she chose not to apologise and see it my way because she's been more worried about the bigger concern - perhaps she's not, at this point in time, the right person for me.
I do offer to help out on anything I can. I end up making a lot of cups of tea, or doing the dishes.
We've argued over the same/similar territory before, so this thing is definitely on our minds.
Anyway there's a big shift happening at work. I can't expect much at all from her on the topic for now.
The question is, how bothered am I by the emotional (and physical!) hole. And how long will it last (all things go through phases..)?
Hmmmm. What to do, oh , what to do....
Well good sir, I stick with my earlier statement of hoping things work out for the best. By that I mean best for you whether it be now or in the long run. Since I've personally never been in a 'standard committed relationship', I can't give you exact advice based off my personal experiences (considering I lack with those >.>). I can only give you responses on how I would react considering or based off different experiences. Welp... I just had to reply before I finally get to doze off before 2am. >.<"
" She admits that, in fact she's been saying it for a while. You know how when you talk to somebody and the conversation is positive, so it all makes sense. But then you go away and the clarity disappears, you're back at step"
Yeah, it's called, The identified problem SEEMS to be the true, logical one, and yet I can't help thinking I've missed something.... something obvious and far less complicated.
Here you go, Mr Magoo (;-)), I'll walk you through it...
She's been saying she's ("cough!") too busy for [this] relationship yet clearly doesn't want this relationship to end, to point of (nudge!) getting visibly distraught when made to consider it, AND, regarding taking the time to consider ending it when forced to, is ("cough-cough!") TOO BUSY TO DO EVEN THAT!
What do you want - a neon invitation pinned to your forehead that reads, "HEELP ME, I'M DROWNING, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP (IF ONLY I DARED ASK OUTRIGHT), WHAAA-HAAAAAH!"?
Sorry, you who ISN'T too busy for a relationship do what again to help? Make her cups of tea or do the dishes? Do you need a lie-down after all of that? LOL Or....what about a spot or ten of hoovering *and* more takeaway nights, your shout, so she doesn't have to shop and cook every single night, and/or (i.e. AND) maybe even hiring her a one-off spring-cleaning contractor at her convenience- sorry, but this IS the woman you're in love with, care about the welfare of, and empathetic towards, yes? Su casa es mi casa ergo same for your private life workloads if one of the TEAM is struggling whilst the other isn't-"tra-la-la" to point of having idle time on his hands in which to feel deprived of Mrs Over-Busy-But-Under-Entitled's time and attention? Let's see you, then? It's that stick thing with a square box thing at its base that sits in the corner of the utility room and comes with a plug on a lead and goes "VVVOOOOMMM" (or so I'm told) when you turn it on. Bit like a motorbike ...except less glamorous and motorbikey. ;-p And for future ref, Hinting-in-the-form-of-repeated-but-subtle-cries-for-assistance classes are THAT way, Mr Half-Aslee-, I mean, Nicely Relaxed ---->
But seriously folk, AS THE WOOER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SHOWING HER - MRS DON'T-LIKE-TO-ASK HINTY FROM HINTVILLE - YOUR PERMANENT PARTNER CAPABILITY INCLUDING IMPRESSING HER WITH YOUR SHARESIES MENTALITY, INCLUDING TAKING UP ANY SLACK, AS IN WE NOW SHARE THE BIG STUFF, you daft wotsit - REMEMBER? Well, better late than never, I suppose. And at least you care enough to have asked, if not immediately cottoned on. (Tick!)
LOL. There you go, now you bloomin' know what to anti-wiltin' do (and do and do), thus can ease or foreshorten the imminent romantic hole *and* in the process enable her to have time after this big shift has blown over, in which to do a deepish relationship that'll undoubtedly henceforth be newly that much MORE deepish, doncha? (50p, please :-) ...or Â£1 if you do it without even being asked and get given extra cash-in-able Brownie points for it, like an extra sleepover or extra long and enthusiastic rhymes-with-PJ).
And when you've finished her floors, you can come round and do ours, LOL. (Worth a try??)
PS: Don't forget to wind the lead up properly afterwards, will you, and to empty the dust-collection cylinder thingy rather than leave it for her to have to ("grrr!") empty next time she goes to use it.