Im a 31 year old male currently engaged to my 26 year old partner. We have been together for 5 years, with 3 children.
The first part of our relationship started off with me meeting her through a guy I knew from work, it was his sister. I lived with a roomate, she lived with her mother. The relationship started out as a hot fling to party with and have seen at the end of the night, she seemed genuine, but still on the crazy side. I enjoyed partying with her because I liked her, not because I liked to party.
This part of the relationship went on for months, we used to say "love you friend" as a off way to say we loved eachother, without having to make it official. I was always leary about her "crazy" ways, and that very sexy look in her eyes, as if she was searching for passion, at all times.
One day in her mother's garage I said I love you and left out the friend. She responded with I love you too. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, she loved me, I loved her, it was beautiful.
The following months after that were, great. I moved out of my roommates house and into her mother's with her. She had a job as a waitress, and I had lost my job, but was getting financial support from my parents.
Her step dad wasn't so keen on me living there, he didn't want it to be for an extended period of time. So instead of hassling her family, I asked my parents if we could move into the apartment upstairs, as they owned a two family home.
We moved into my parents together. I got a job at a local factory, she worked as a waitress and in 3 months we moved into our first place together, found out we were pregnant, and had our first child.
She decided to stay home with the baby. My full time job was enough to cover anything we needed, so she became a stay at home mom, while I worked. The next few years went great, we decided to have another child, and we had our second daughter. Life was great.
My father became I'll with stage 4 live cancer, and died 8 days after finding out he had it. It was a complete blow to my life, and my emotional level. I fell into a deep depression ( I loved my father very much. We were close ). I lost my job, due to emotional stress. She picked up a job baby sitting for a busy couple, at their house.
She began to be very distant 2-3 weeks after getting this job, not wanting to cuddle, hold hands, or really even have a good conversarion. She seemed cold. I asked her if everything was OK with us. She said of course, I love you.
Then 2 weeks later, she told me that she has been talking to an old guy friend from highschool, and that he stopped by her to say hi when she was baby sitting. I didn't think much of it, we had 2 kids together, and had talked about getting engaged. It was a guy from 10 years old, big deal.
Fast forward 3 months later, I find messages on her phone (I know this is wrong to snoop, but I was really confused at this point). There we over hundreds of messages, they had seen eachother almost 4 times a week. She told him she loved him, missed him, sent pictures of each other etc.
When I finally brought it up to her, she didn't seem to really have much regret or sympathy for my feelings. I figured this was a phase and it would pass. We fought and cried for 2 weeks. She ceased contact with him, told me she loved me and made a mistake. We got pregnant once again, having our first son.
She decided to end her baby sitting job, because she missed the kids to much. She ended up picking up a 2nd shift job at a candy factory. Two weeks into her working there, she began to be distant once again. I didn't question her this time, I just went with it.
She started saying she loves me, but thinks she isn't in love with me anymore. Once again I find text messages on her phone. She admitted to having sex with another man twice, and orally pleasing another man in his car. Once again she has seemed to show no remorse for her actions.
I told her I have had enough, and I was going to leave. She asked me not to leave, and promised to marry me, she was done making mistakes and she knows this is what she wants. We're engaged now, she still just as distant. She doesn't touch me, talk to me, or seem to have any interest in me.
She tells me this is a part in our life we will get through, and we will love eachother again. I never stopped loving her, so this makes no sense to me. She still talks to me about future plans, getting stuff for the house, hollidays, etc..
Am I being strung along in a fake engagement till she finds mr. Right? Or am I a paranoid emotional mess for no reason
I'll bet theres a bunch of people who'd lvoe to armchair coach you and tell you to bail.
I wont tell you that, because yo may know it alrady or you may not.
Whether or not any of that is a deal breaker is really up to you. Lots of married people come back from worse...
I'm not gonna tell you any of it is gonna be easy either... whats YOUR limit... Do you stick around for the kids? Do you genuinely make it work?
Thats what you have to ask...
As with everything in life, it's her actions you need to look at and take notice of. Her actions basically cancel out her words. You lost your father and you lost your way because of it, but you need to ask yourself how she can support you properly with everything going on in your life together, when she admits to casual relationships with other guys?
Passing phases just don't come into it and sure, all relationships go through their rough patches, but going outside of your relationship is not the way to resolve a rough patch, particularly when your partner needs all the support you can give them.
Positive communication and having respect for another is one way to try and solve any doubt and therefore, any developing conflict. It's all very well for her to say this (your relationship) is what she wants but you need to determine if that's what she needs and going by your post, that's not the case.
Your fiancee has failed to keep you safe and she has become blase about her actions which cut you to the core partially because of her lack of remorse. Ask yourself how you can even think about planning a future with her when her attitude and actions show you the total opposite.