Stressed about my future
I'm not sure if I'm unhappy with my relationship or with my life.
I currently have a full time job, that I don't like. It doesn't pay a lot, which sucks, so I choose to live at home for financial security; most of my friends have moved out and are on their own so I feel unaccomplished. I've taken extra courses to specialize in my field but I am not finding any job opportunities and the jobs I do apply to i don't hear back from, ever, which is really frustrating.
Then there is my relationship, he is trying to start his own business, I don't know how to help and its taking a long time to get this thing going, almost a year and he is still loo for a shop. He is running out of money which scares me for our future, if this business takes all his money from buying a house with me or affording a wedding or kids. I'm scared I will be poor, living in an small apartment if I stay with him. Also, he smokes cigarillos, he only smokes outside, thank goodness, and for the most part I can tolerate the smell. However I am afraid that he will get really sick from this one day and die before me and I'll be left by myself in my 60's, which upsets me the most about the relationship... I don't want my kids to be exposed to smoke, which he knows, which eventually I want to have kids. I need him to quit smoking for me to agree to have kids with him. I don't want to be 5 years into this relationship and he confesses he can't quit. Then I'm old, with no kids, and single. I would have married him yesterday if he wasn't a smoker. Im in love with him, I'm attracted to him, we have a lot of similarities, we travel well together,he's a gentleman, we're a good team.
So my question is, should I continue to work through this rough patch in both our lives, not worry so much about the future and enjoy how everything is now? Or should I dump him, focus on me, and try and find financial stability somewhere else? I'm 23, he's 28.
At 23, you are still a 'puppy' when it comes to what life will throw at you. Regardless, you need to focus on and make decisions which are good for you and this includes your relationship. You need to learn to share your life with someone who shares your values. Your partner may smoke but you need to accept that it's basically his business and it's his business to quit or not. You can't put conditions on it and hope that he complies. All you can do, if you really love him and need to be with him, is to accept it, otherwise you risk becoming a controller. If the man's worth marrying, then there shouldn't be anything stopping you because marriage is about love, respect, loyalty and support flowing both ways but it's not about smoking habits.
His business venture is also his to sort. Your challenge again, is to accept it. If you guys have planned for the future, then you should be past that stage of 'selecting' a partner who you intend to grow old with. You post is all about doubt, confusion and insecurity and if your man isn't up to your standards, which are basically your business, then you should be doing something about it, rather than worrying about the future with someone who you're not sure about. Sure, your man may die from a smoke related illness but he also may be hit by a truck tomorrow...nobody can predict the future.
The trick is to plan for the future with someone who will walk beside you and support you 100% without you having to worry about conditions to keep you happy. Once you're 100% happy in a relationship, planning for the future, and life together, becomes easy because you're with someone who shares the same goals.
You need to be aware that some of us will throw something good away, looking for something better, only to find that better never comes close to being good.