DONSTEPHEN - Sep 23 2016 at 15:52
I had been with my wife 12 years this year. We have been through so much. Her family did not accept me due to a culture clash. Been bankrupt, wife bullied lots of times at work, moved home five times, I supported her at work because we both worked at the same place until 2 years ago when I took a job further away which meant traveling two hours there and two back the same day. We have two beautiful children now which mean the world to us both. We have both been through depression mine less so than my wife's. I did eveything I possible could, I got promotions at work so we had more money whilst wife was part time. I organised all paying the bills, cleaned the house, never went out and got drunk, went only out for meals with friends. Went shopping, took kids out so wife could have a rest.
My wife breast feed our two children, the second time around her breasts went into a shape that my wife was so depressed about.
She decided in January to have breast surgery something she wanted to do when we met 12 years ago because she said she was flat chested and embarrassed something I said did not bother me because I loved her for who she was. So me the wife and the two children made a weekend of it in May and the wife had breast surgery, she was delighted as was I for her just seeing her be happy was amazing.
We separated two months ago because she has no more feelings for me and she cant have sex with anymore. She said I was too controlling and she needs to live by herself and experience things like what it's like to have to pay for things, pay bills etc that sort of thing because she feels she has lived in a bubble and is closterphobic. She said she knows I have a high sex drive and that she had to force her self to have sex with me, I was so shocked and couldn't believe it.
Before she left I agreed that I would sort out everything for her such as buying a new bed, sofa, moving her belongings from the family home to her new flat.
Within one week of leaving me She rang me saying she is coming over with her friend as she tried to commit suicide last night. Her friend said you both need to talk. I asked why, and she said it was to do with two guy's. Jeff - she has been getting lots of help from him at work as the work is hard. He told her that he is going to call the police because she is harassing him. This came around as Pete told Jeff that they had been on a date together. My wife said that Pete is lieing and that she does have some feelings for Jeff but only because he helps her. I asked if it was anything more she said no. Her friend then came in and said have you told him everything and the wife said yes about the suicide I have. Her friend then said I thinking both need to talk do you mind giving us five mins, so I went outside. I came back spoke to the wife and I asked her about her feelings and she said she does have feelings for him but she is so confused and is suffering from depression. I asked if it was anything more she said no.
Couple of days later I remembered I still had access to her hotmail and remembered her Facebook messages used to go to her hotmail. I went in and was shocked. There were guys emailing her saying they would love to fcuk her etc. One guy said that he knows about the sexy dance she gave Jeff which he said Jeff recorded. This guy also said about oral my wife gave to Jeff, the wife's response to this was that she didn't know he was recording it.
I then read a message from my wife to a co worker basically saying she is in love with Jeff and that he seen it as friends with benefits. My wife sent and her co worker screenshots of the text she and Jeff were sending one another on the night of her suicide. She said to her friend about paying his rent for him and that she bought him a new iPhone, clothes and birthday present for his son. Some of the screenshots were of my wife saying to Jeff about the jeans she bought and how she wanted to go over to collect her watch to which he said he needs to think about everything and that he is going to block her number and call the police about her harnessing him..The co worker told my wife that she thinks Jeff is back with His ex girlfriend and that she should not try to buy him.
Couple of days later she told me that she accepted a job working as a pole dancer, I was shocked but because she said I was controlling I took a step back and said that's great if that is what will make you happy go for it. She said she thorght I was not going to be happy to which I said we are no longer together now and you need to do what makes you happy which is having lots of money.
Couple days later after reading all the messages were playing on my mind so I calmly confronted my wife about this and said a work colleague of mine told me about her and this other guy Jeff, the mobile phone, about the clothes and rent all which she denied. I didn't want to say I seen the Facebook messages or she would have gone crazy.
Later that day she kept texting me asking who told me, I told her I would never tell her this. She was sending me message after message saying I was to controlling, never loved her, I had Anal sex with men years ago, said about me giving a lift to a work friend 10 years ago and that I forced her to have sex and said this is rape and that she will go to the police about it. I was mortified, how can someone I have spent over ten years with, have young children with turn around and say these things to me, I felt sick to the stomach especially about her saying I forced her.
The next day she was calm I went to hers, sat on the bed with her whilst the children played in the living room and said do you realise what you said to me about the rape, she said she forced herself, I told her that if she went to the police it would destroy my life over something I never did, she said so what in a calm voice. I just left with the kids calmly and said goodbye.
Since then we have been civilised. She has paid her way buying kids clothes and food etc gave us money. She asked if I would buy her some pole dancing shoes so I did.
She calls me and asks me to go with her to the shopping centre, I go to hers and she is in bed, we lay down together and we talk. She had a spot on her bum cheek and asked if I would rub cream on it do I did we didn't do anything else. She gets dressed in front of me and let's me touch her breasts if I help her get ready but we don't have sex. We even went to an adult shop the other day so she could buy dresses for her pole dancing.
My head is so confused, I have not even told my parents about the separation and don't have any real close friends I can talk to. The children live with me full time and the wife picks the children up from school takes them out and has fun.
Wow that's alot to take in. The breast surgery/augmentation is probably what started this whole dilemma. Stay separated until you can both sort things out and seek counciling.
Here's one thing you could do and I know a lot will definatetly object to this. Go to that strip club she works at make sure she's there and sees you. Get a lap dance from another dancer right in front of her bet that'll get her attention. I hate to say it but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. When life throws you lemons make lemonade.
I know that goes against what I said above. But if it were me and I was going through what you are i wouldn't stand idly by. I'm sure some will analyze this and tell you she's going through emotional problems and possibly has some sort of psychological disorder.
Unfortunately instead of this breast surgery giving her a boost in confidence opened a whole new world of sexuality. Im sticking by my guns get that lap dance from another hot babe.
What the hell am I thinking this thread is dead
Thank you for the replyies sorry not replied before now just sorting out things.
I've said I don't want to talk about her work but she just raises her voice and says I am bitter. If I ask her to look after the kids for a few hours on the weekend she says that she will have them full time even though she knows she can't due to working on the evenings.
Huh.. I thought the administrator closed this thread. Well sorry I was venting or going off on a rant about you getting a lap dance. Actually I'm surprised that you replied.
Sounds like things in your marriage are pretty far gone. If you've tried talking to her about this and it turns into a yelling match then I don't know if counciling would even help. Have you talked to her about counciling? Bad thing is it effects the kids worse than does you or her. Splitting up is what makes it hard and the kids have to see that and go through the drama.
I know others whom would respond here might tell you to show her more love and affection. Do more things with her and the kids. That things will improve if you do this and she'll come back to you. But I don't know your situation and if that would help.
If you have tried everything then all you can do is talk to her about divorce.
When you made the statement
That's great if that's what will make you happy go for it. She said I thought you were not going to be happy to which I said we are no longer together now you need to do what makes you happy which is making lots of money.
I think that may have an impact on how she feels as it should "We are no longer together" a friend of mines mother was a stripper. This was a long,long time ago when we were kids and I didn't learn of this until about six years ago.
It's a money maker but not a life style to be proud of. I'm sure she'll figure that out in time especially when the kids get older and they're friends somehow know about it. In some strip clubs there's drugs involved hopefully that isn't the case here.
DonSteven, take a deep breath. This isn't about you as a failure as a person or husband or anything remotely like that. Were that the case, she'd not have managed 13 long years with you, think about it.
"he was sending me message after message saying I was to controlling, never loved her, I had Anal sex with men years ago, said about me giving a lift to a work friend 10 years ago and that I forced her to have sex and said this is rape and that she will go to the police about it. I was mortified, how can someone I have spent over ten years with, have young children with turn around and say these things to me, I felt sick to the stomach especially about her saying I forced her."
...is simply par for the infidelity course and is known as Demonization. Go google. Or - here: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/p/infidelity2.htm
Basically, if you're a "beep" and a "beep-beep" and a "[censored]" then ("please believe me, everyone, no really - do!") she's somehow NOT a cheating barstool ("his being a [censored] drove me to it, no really it did!") and DOESN'T have to see a snout staring back at her every morning and night in the bathroom mirror. Ber-bom. Because guilt would spoil her fun and might burst her wall-bouncing but fun bubble. And I think the reason she's cheating is because she's entered MASSIVE Mid Life Crisis, sparked - or should I say 'facilitated (in Pandora's Box stylee)' - by her new boobs, HER PAIR OF WINGS (come time machine activators).
She never got to do this or that or this or the other or-or-or and was PANICKING for a long time that she never would thus would one day die 'without'...and then along came some surgical CONFIDENCE!....to not only have the fun-fun-fun she missed out on but ALSO to show you - via her METHOD of 'having this fun' - her truer, deeper-down colours. It's not only how someone treats you during Summer, see. It's how they REFRAIN, using their moral mettle, from treating you during Winter despite the incredible temptations. Where you're concerned, from your place in Winter - how nice, caring, decent, empathetic, even SYMPATHETIC, and morally mettle-some is she now, would you say, out of 10? (One? Two? Zero Point Five?)
Your wife 'is' now a cliche. Sorry. :-( It's a temporary insanity, alright, replete with said bottom-most colours, just by varying degrees. Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, seemingly LITERALLY. And, as I say, she sounds like she's well and truly lost and confused and resentful (at life and everything in it) and trying to re-do her late teens and twenties...all of that. And she'll keep you waiting on the side if you're insistent enough...but she doesn't actually give a fig either way right now (hormones and brain chemistry completely ucked). There's nothing you can do; she is no longer the same person nor on a matching timeline to you. You and she are now destined (i.e. were bound from the start) to part and operate in different worlds. REALLY sorry for your kids. But only right now, because they'll be anywhere between okay and really good with your help and guidance if you vow to remain being 'the sane one'. And YOU'LL be anywhere between fine and BORN AGAIN, WHOO-HOO!, once you've got over this meaty life hurdle and found yourself once again fancying a foray onto the dating market, this time meeting the RIGHT woman for you, not just for producing babies with. FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU AND THE KIDS DON'T MIND BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY *GOT* A MOTHER (who's now finally more like her old self despite different (withdrawn from the shelves then re-released as someone you wouldn't ever want to be even friends with)), so - the next woman's just for you, your free and independent, unrestricted choice. :-)
That's your future painted. Believe it or not, doesn't matter; you're going there regardless. We all do. Because it's a WELL-WORN HUMAN PATH (psychological version), not an individual experience. Only the smallest details differ, like a new rut in the pathway or 'that stone' now 20 yards more to the left, etc., etc., than when Mr Jones or Mr Smith walked it. One path, myriad walkers.
If, however, you want to try to save this marriage - something you'll be capable of saying hand-on-heart ONLY if you wait 6 months minimum to do so with any credence - then obviously you're going to have a quite long wait (year or two plus, quite possibly more) until she gets this severe crisis out of her system and realises the grass was *not* greener for her more adventurous peers back when it was still freshly laid turf, she only remembers it like that because she's been looking back through rose-tinted glasses. She'll soon enough spot the worms, beetles, mud and ants, don't you worry. In fact, from the sounds of it they'll be crawling in her pants. ;-)
It's 'just' a crisis...would have happened even if you were George Cloony himself, trust me on that. Big enough to sink the familial ship, granted. But for you it can be a golden opportunity if you hurry towards the lifeboat. Because, take it from all kids, a happy dad, when only dad is capable of being The Rock, makes being a happy kid altogether do-able. A miserable one, however? Nuh-uh. Seeing you steamrollered will make them fear marriage in case it ever happens to them...or make them enter marriage as too overly control-freakish to keep a spouse happy (either extreme). Let them see you here and there cry YET COPE and conquer... an excellent cocktail, the behaviour of a *survivor* type.
I recommend you seek individual counselling - preferably a female - so that you'll have someone to lean on and hold your hand and supervise as you cry uninhibitedly while you take this next episode of your life step by step, one day, one week, one month at a time... each day then month hurting less and less until - poof! - you can't even remember hurting or why you would have.
Just - at this early juncture, don't despair. There really is no need, as 'nightmare-on-a-stick' as this feels for a while, there really isn't (it's just emotions in turmoil and fear of the unknown, that's all, you'll see). As my dear ol' dad used to quote: Everything is always alright in the end. So if it's not alright? It's simply that it's not the end yet. :-) I and countless other anywhere between perfectly fine and blissfully, gratefully happy divorcees and/or re-marrieds are living proof. That's the thing with naturally happy and positive (or is that positive thus happy?) people... no matter what challenges or size of they face and have to overcome, being positive thus happy is their natural disposition so what they naturally return to, divorce or earthquake and tsunami or whatever trauma you can think of. :-) Don't blame divorce for the fact there will always be whingy, wet-weekend people, just because those people blame divorce rather than ever admit it. Capiche?
I'm sure most other women would think they'd died and gone to heaven, all that practical *and* emotional support you're prepared to give when you love your special someone. So - 'controlling' my a*se. INTENSELY NURTURING, more like! New mantra for you: "Right qualities (mine), WRONG RECIPIENT!" (on top of her, unbeknownst to you, not having been destined to be your for-life, I mean, despite you thought so to point of produced kids).
Now step OUT of her circle (circus, more like!) of childish dramas - until you see for yourself how ludicrous and self-destructive they strike those who are *not* in-love with her nor ever were - and back into Me & My Precious Mini-Mes, your most incredible creation and contribution to life, ever, Amen. Be the ROCK Parent as compensates for the fact the other parent's gone doolally in the foetal yet mud- and poo-slinging position. That's how you ensure THEY survive this and thereby meantime get to 'lend you' inspiration about your own future, where you start to think 'ooh, exciting...!'. Salvation in your kids, it's called. It's truer than true. Just don't over-do it, be normal. Because now and for the next however long period, Normal, to them, is their cool drink of water and oasis amidst the desert.
I reiterate: Don't let her/this ruin your one-off set of mini-mes' future relationship success and happiness.
PS: Don't let her torture you sexually-emotionally like that again. I know you're in agony but - have some self-respect. All the STUNTED CHILD was doing, was wantonly and mercinarily seeing what effect her new-found 'power' was capable of having on you, someone from her 'old life'. A reminder of the 'Before' photo in the form of the look in your eyes and on your face, etc. A narcissistic act, pure and simple. Bear in mind at all times, her massive crisis means she's in raw animal mode - selfishness and self-obsession personified. People are for now just tools in her bid to go through the motions of her delayed puberty replete with selfish, thoughtless ego exercising and experimentation. Keep your distance and just be warmly but formally civil, particularly in front of the children. Think, 'Would you very much care for a cup of tea, Vicar?'. Don't plonk yourself in her crosshairs *whatsoever* and you'll ensure she'll set those sights on someone else, someone your kids *don't* rely on. Capiche?
PPS: For goodness' sake, man, tell your parents! This is precisely one of the major things they're there for! This is no time for stupid pride! This is time for you to take care of yourself using every single tool at your rightful disposal!
Sorry it's such a hurried mess, but - any questions?
Soulmate glad you showed up we're in good hands now.
DONSTEPHEN I'm going to let soulmate take it from here she has strong,sound advice. I'll pop in just because....well just because. Soulmate who is TONYBLACKHAT and what's he telling us about a breach of security?
Or I mean a breach of our posting policy
(Scopes, I can't find a TonyBlackHat or any posts by him anywhere so will have to simply presume one of the silent/non-posting mods deleted his post content when I wasn't on duty, in so doing, leaving just the auto blurb about said content having breached security before the 'postbox' itself then disappeared altogether due to now featuring zero content. PS: Just out of interest...Did anyone ever tell you you worry a tad too much? ;-D)
PS, nearly forgot - ref your post timed 5:50:
(...Thlease and pank-you.)
Yeah I know.....bored I guess. Let's hope DONSTEPEN takes your wise words of wisdom uh huh...
Wow there is lot of advice to take in and act upon. I've just started a new job and have asked for time out for one week or two to get my thoughts together as I can't concentrate on work. I'm meeting with my mother this week to talk it through which will be tough. I've recently spoken to a councilour and she has been fantastic.
I spoke with the Ex wife today and she said that she wants this house to live in and bring the children up full time, however we were joint tenants until a couple of weeks ago when she signed the house over to me and I'm the sole tenant, something she doesn't quite understand
Thank you so much again for everything
So glad you've got a good counsellor who's also on your wavelength.
Why will it be tough? Isn't your mother the understanding and sympathetic type? Or are you making the typical perfectionist [yeah, got your number] mistake of seeing this as some giant failure on your part in the eyes of your parents? If yes, then, how on earth could a totally unexpected and unforeseeable mid-life-crisis on the part of your wife somehow be your fault?
Listen, though, about the house. Presuming you're British - I don't care if your ex2b signed a pact with the devil (and on those new boobs of hers). Until the family court issues the Decree Absolut she is still legally your spouse. As such, she's entitled to half of whatever wealth and assets, including any leases, that THE MARRIAGE owns. If yours is a private landlord, she could, in theory, regardless of any prior signing-over, apply to the court to get her signing-over 'under ignorance' overturned and herself reinstated, which would mean your landlord having to comply if they agreed it would be more practical and less distressing to the children were you the one to move out. And in fact, you *should* consider your kids' feelings first and foremost. Bad enough mummy and daddy have separated, without their having to cope with new surroundings and routines on top of it all.
From a psychological point of view, however, if your wife is talking about moving back in and you moving out, then this basically, if you take a step back and think about it, represents her trying (already!) to create a contention that will [wait for it] impede thus delay the separation into divorce process. Now, then, [sarcasm alert] I wonder why she'd want to do that. Could it be that your sudden transformation from Mr Accommodator-Panderer into Mr No-Nonsense-Hard As Nails has shocked and panicked her because she actually *doesn't* want a divorce? Or did she think SHE'D remain the one to dictate the pace and progress?
Have you thought yet about making an appointment for a free consultation with a solicitor that specialises in family law so that you know exactly what your rights are and are not?
Tonyblackhat its a smooth talker that makes you believe is a real hacker. He promises you things that will never happen and after receiving your bitcoin payment he is gone!
His post has probably being deleted for it's illegal content. He is a scammer!
Boy he had me convinced I'm quite gullible
In short .. It seems very much as though the dynamics in your relationship with your wife were overwhelmingly for her a Father and Daughter arrangement. Which in itself is not uncommon. and actually quite healthy when there is balance - however burdensome and totally unhealthy for both partners when, this dynamic becomes an extreme. Which what seems to be the case.
She sees you, not as a lover - but as a man who more so embodies the qualities she seeks in a supportive father, hence her need to rebel and break away from you. Find herself a new life , and a man she can typically fall in love with.
Harsh as this is .. and it will take time, you need to face the facts the the relationship between the two of you, will likely always be like this.
Perhaps like a father you are willing wait for her to maybe in your eyes see sense, come home, at least for the sake of the children and settle down. or Perhaps as a Man you will accept that you have a right to be loved for the whole person that you are, and not only for your obvious qualities of good guidance & protection.
Shes gone and carving a new life out for herself. You need to think about your future and decide on what IS BEST for YOU next. GL x