Am i a horrible person? i thought i wasn’t…..until now.

Posted by
on Sep 25 2016 at 14:08
Member since: 25 September 2016
Missing People advice forum category advice forum category Am I a horrible person? I thought I wasn’t…..until now.

I’ve been thinking for the last couple of hours what happened and I need to explain.

My name is J (not my real name), I’m a single dad and raised 2 boys alone since their mum and I split about 10 years ago. I’ve been teaching in a college for a few years now and recently change to a different college, I love my job, difficult at times, but it has its benefits when students achieve.

I found my true love about 18 months ago, I met (I’ll call her A) ‘A’ online, a dating site and we hit it off straight away. So on her birthday I asked her to marry me. She said yes…..YEEEEY! This made me the happiest man on this earth. She has two kids, 20 & 21 years old, as I do, similar age too. My oldest son (23 years old) lives in Australia and recently been diagnosed with cancer, my youngest of 21 sent a picture of his 17-year-old ex-girlfriend over the internet, he was 18 at the time, so he’s having to attend court soon, he lives with me at my parents after I separated from my ex-partner. I kind of spend the majority of my spare time at ‘A’s house but go home each evening only spending the weekends at ‘A’s.

A little while ago ‘A’ was going mad at her kids regarding them not helping around the house, you know the usual things a parent says, I too am guilty of this, enough is enough though and you snap. So being diplomatic and standing by what ‘A’ was saying, I pointed out that their mum (and myself) was spending our weekends having to pick up and clean up after them. “It’ll be really great if they helped out more and this wouldn’t cause arguments” I said. Her son just did the usual nod and said ok, I’ll help out more he said, you know that usual boy / man nod, I too am guilty of this…It’s a man thing. Her daughter did the usual crying part and said everyone is having a go at her. Now bearing in mind, I was middle of the road and just thought I was doing the right thing by explaining. It was only a couple of days later that I realized I’m being blanked by the daughter, and a while later I was told that I was ‘having a go’ at her. I did explain to her mum I wasn’t. So from here on my storey begins, I’ll name ‘A’s daughter ‘M’,

A while ago (a 6 months or more) I was caught out by M in the bedroom getting changed, my hearing is terrible, (due to all the engineering places I’ve worked in) she was in ‘A’s bathroom and thought the coast was clear after calling through the closed bathroom door. I did mention to ‘A’ about this, I was a bit red faced and thought nothing of it, that is until M complained to her mum, saying this isn’t right and I think she thought I did it on purpose. So here I took it on the chin so to speak, and thought I’ll be more careful. During this period from then till now, I tried to make conversation, but only managed a short answer in reply from M. Her son (I’ll call C) was the opposite, I’ll chat all day and he was fine with me. I was given a front door key by ‘A’ the other week as I started recently at a different college and it was closer than going back to my parents where I’m living to get changed. I’d go to ‘A’s house, get changed, do some house work here and there, odd jobs, pop to the supermarket and cook dinner for when ‘A’ gets home…..cuppa tea ready too. It’s the least I can do, I’ve been welcome into ‘A’s house, and due to get married so I kind of treated her place as my own. The other week I was asked if I could fit a mirror up by M and put up a few pictures and shelves up, no problems I thought, I love doing things like that. I did notice that her mirror was covered in dust and make up. While upstairs the other week, helping to tidy I mentioned to ‘A’ if she saw the work I did in M’s room, she said no and I followed her into M’s room (M was out at the time). I had in my hand glass cleaner as I was cleaning her kids bathroom, so I cleaned her mirror. I didn’t think anything of it, It’s a dad sort of thing to do. While in her room ‘A’ mentioned that M’s room could do with decorating, yep, it did I thought to myself.

The house was empty the other day when I returned from work, so while in the shower I thought it would be a nice thing to repaint and decorate the kids rooms while they’re away and surprise them. I popped into their rooms to assess what ‘A’ and myself could do, then I got thinking, why start with the kids rooms when ‘A’ has been saying for ages she would like a new kitchen, I’ll surprise ‘A’ first and do the kitchen, a lot of homework would have been done first to establish the kind of kitchen ‘A’ would like. Good plan I thought, this would really surprise ‘A’, a lovely kind thing to do for a loved one. Didn’t think any more of it, but knew I needed to be a bit sneaky to find out more on kitchens designs. I went to ‘A’s after work yesterday, got showered and noticed that the older I get, the more bodily hair appears, so I had ‘trim’ here and there. I hate chest and back hair; I think it’s horrible. After a quick shave and trim (would have been easier with a hedge trimmer) I realised that I can only put baby oil on myself as it was the only thing in the bathroom, why not? It’s good for skin after a shower. Then it dawned on me, I can’t get dressed because the oil would soak into my clothes and I’ll smell of baby oil, I also needed to go to the supermarket to get dinner for us all, also what would ‘A’ think of me or what I’ve been doing smelling so oily. So I spent a while in ‘A’s bathroom and bedroom. I heard a door bang on the landing so I popped my head around the bedroom door to see M heading towards her bathroom, I said hi M but she didn’t reply. She was dressed in her gym stuff so I knew she was going to go out. About 2 or 3 minutes later I heard M leave the bathroom, thud down the stairs open the front door and slam it shut. About a minute or so later I managed to get an eyelash in my eye, the lighting in ‘A’s bathroom isn’t very good, the house was empty so I decided to use the kids bathroom, not wanting to be caught out I covered myself up with a towel and went to the other bathroom, while in there, M had come back in the house, really quietly, not banged the door shut and crept up the normal creaky stairs to her room, the first I realised M was back in the house was when I heard her bedroom door bang shut. She thudded downstairs and banged the front door shut. I’m 100% sure I was covered up while sorting out my eyelash. I went back into the bedroom and thought nothing of it. While in there I thought to myself I’ll hoover ‘A’s bedroom, saves doing it Saturday morning. I plugged the hoover in on the landing and started to hoover the bedroom, little did I realize that behind me the cable had pulled the door slightly ajar, bearing in mind I’m naked still, but alone in the house. I stopped hoovering, to my horror a bedroom door banged again upstairs, I grabbed my dressing gown, put my head out the door and called out, only to hear C answer back from his room. At this point I decided to get dressed, I needed to go to the supermarket. So I waited until M to return to ask if she was at home later for dinner. I waited and waited, but she never returned. So I sent her a text on my phone to ask. Still no reply, so I asked C if he was eating as I met him in the supermarket where he works and he said no and that his sister was going to her dads later to eat. Myself and ‘A’ had our meal then settled down on the sofa, poor ‘A’ suffers from high blood pressure and her BP was high last night so I decided to let her doze on the sofa. About 8:45pm I said to ‘A’ shall we go up to bed and we did. I know within 30 minutes ‘A’ will be saying that I’m snoring, on hearing this I normally go back downstairs so ‘A’ can have a decent night sleep. I myself have the most uncomfortable night sleep on a small sofa.

I woke this morning (Saturday) and took ‘A’s usual cuppa tea up in bed. I realized that I will need my car MOT’ed as it runs out the end of the month as does the road tax. So I mentioned to ‘A’ about going out early to a new garage I was told about, it closes half day on Saturdays, she said no as M wants to talk to her when she returns. I went off & got the car MOT’ed. When I returned I mentioned that I was hungry and we need to eat. ‘A’ said she’ll come with me as she needs to talk to me. So we set off and popped into costa coffee, there ‘A’ said that M and C feel uncomfortable with me there, I paused and thought why. Apparently I opened the bedroom door to M naked when she wanted to use ‘A’s bathroom, she also mentioned that I walk around the house naked, I was so shocked, more so that ‘A’ didn’t want to listen to me explain anything only saying that why should her daughter M lie? Also M said I went into her bedroom with my dressing gown open, I did but the house was empty. This I could not understand, then it dawned on me…. I think I was videoed without knowing about it, without my consent, I feel so low, I feel like going to the police and reporting it, this would cause many problems for M as she works for the police and put a wedge between ‘A’ and myself. Apparently, C’s girlfriend will not stay because of me, also that I’m up and about when M gets home early from a night shift. I was told by ‘A’ that I’m not allowed to have a doze at hers while she’s not there and this is unacceptable, I’m not allowed to go into M and C’s room and I was wrong to clean the mirror, it’s also unacceptable to be naked in ‘A’s room after a shower. ‘A’ said to me she needs some space from me and that’s about it, I sent this text to her after I digested what was said me.

I did pop my head round the door of your bedroom yesterday, I was behind the door at the time and I heard a door slam. I was covered up and I said hello to ******* as she walked to her bathroom. She then went out, I know this as I heard the door slam, a couple of minutes later I went to the other bathroom as I had an eyelash in my eye, I didn’t hear the front door reopen nor ****** quietly walk up the stairs, but I did have the towel with me and I was covered up. I did go into the kids rooms the other day, but that was only to look at the walls as you mentioned the other day about redecorating when I was in there (with you) cleaning ****** mirror (I was going to talk to you about surprising them when they’re out and revamping their rooms). Yep I did clean the mirror, I’m a bloke, that’s what we do, I did think I was doing ***** a favour by cleaning it. But I remember I spoke to you as you were in her room at the time about her mirror, it was there I said I’ll clean it for her. As for opening the door to her naked after she knocked….. sorry that wasn’t me and if your kids want to use the other bathroom I’m not stopping them, never have. The other week I did go downstairs with a towel around me to get my clothes bag I had left in the office. As I was walking up the stairs ****** came out of her room, again I was covered up. I did hoover your bedroom yesterday, I had oil on me after I shaved and didn’t want to get oil on my clothes or dressing gown. The house was empty and I was alone in your room, I didn’t notice the door was slightly ajar as I hoovered, I can only think that the wire had pulled the open door slightly as I was hoovering. I wasn’t going to put clothes on otherwise you’ll wonder we I smell of oil. I did hear a door slam, I put my dressing gown on, poked my head around the door and called out hello, at that point ****** said hello from his room. I stopped cleaning and I got dressed. As for being around 1st thing in the morning when ******* gets back, I’m sorry about that, I did start from last week to set my alarm in the morning (5:45) not to be there when she gets home and come back upstairs before she arrives, this is the reason why I came up so early last week, as I say that started last week, problem there is that I wake you early by snoring, I can’t help my snoring, you also said about doing the sleep clinic, I haven’t contacted them as yet, but I will.

I did think that I wasn’t a guest in your house, I didn’t think that having a doze was a problem in the afternoon, I did start to class your home as my home too as we are due to marry, I’m sorry about that, I was hoping you’ll say soon about moving in, ***** wouldn’t come with me, he’s been at my parents since he was 16 and settled there now. I think everything has been taken the wrong way, I did think I was doing everyone a favour by doing things around the house, I did take your home for granted, again I’m sorry about that, I did tidy up, clean, put your wash on, hang out clothes, fold clothes from the airer / washing line, clean your loos and bathrooms, cook and even offer each day to cook for ****** and *******, the sort of thing a step dad would do. Perhaps I was wrong to do these things, again I’m sorry for that. I love you dearly darling, but I’m no fool when someone says in a relationship that they need space, I’ve been down that road before, waited and waited, living in hope only to be told a while later everything is over. Please if you want me out of your life, I’ll go, but I just want to say again that I love you, I love you with all my heart. You are everything to me and more, I wouldn’t of asked you to marry me otherwise. XXXX

Reply from
on Sep 25 2016 at 17:14
Member since: 27 December 2013
Sorry, - but I think you acted overly "familiar" in a home that is not yours - and one that has teenagers living in it who are not used to another person there, (much less a man) coming and going when your GF is not there.

Moving about in the home - without clothes on, or even fully dressed when others don't know you are there was inappropriate. So was going into another person's bedroom.

You said it yourself: 'I did take your home for granted'

I would suggest that you BOTH start over and not be in the home without your GF at all. It will be her job to re-acquaint the children with your presence.

Reply from
on Sep 25 2016 at 19:29
Member since: 25 September 2016
You're right, thank you so much for your advice, but I did have the 'ok' to go back to my fiance's house to get changed and wait for her to get home. They're no teenagers in the house only young adults. I thought I wasn't doing any harm behind closed doors. I've no idea what to do, I'm lost without 'A'.
Reply from
on Sep 25 2016 at 21:03
Member since: 25 September 2016
Thank you susiedqq, I sent this to 'A'

Sorry, - but I think I acted overly "familiar" in a home that is not mine - and one that has em and chris living in it who are not used to another person there, (much less a man) coming and going when you’re not there.

Moving about in the home - without clothes on, or even fully dressed when others don't know you are there was inappropriate. So was going into another person's bedroom.

I said it myself: 'I did take your home for granted'

I can only suggest that we both start over and me not be in your home without you there at all.

I had a text back to say "I'm glad to see it was inappropriate" and she will call me tomorrow after work for a chat.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?