PeoplesProblems Logo

Help please, I dont know what to do, he is messing with my head...

Default profile image
Hello guys..
So after 1 and half year of no contact, my ex (or more like my fwb) contacted me two months ago.

We were together for a year. When I realised we were just fwb, i told him about my feelings. He was the first person that I loved so deeply and I told him this. But he told me that he only saw me as a friend. This is the reason why we stopped talking.

So when he contacted me two months ago, I wasnt sure what his intentions were.

In hour first date, he told me about his business and asked me to join his team, saying that we could accomplish great things together.

After this day, we met three more times. He came to my house we slept in the same bed cuddling, he didn't try anything more because I told him that I don't want to be fwb or just **** buddies again.

I was so happy that he actually respected me. And I started to think that he wants something with me. However when we met the third time, he mentioned a girl that he likes and he was planing to meet up. I got so upset. He also asked me if I have someone in my life. I couldnt speak, he could see that I was upset. That night I understood that he is giving me mixed signals again like he used to.

I decided to talk to him after few days. I told him that what he did was not nice and it really hurt me. I said he came to see me, sleep in my bed, cuddle me, give me hopes but mention this girl that he was planing to meet up. I also told him everything I felt after we broke up. I told him that: I couldnt be with anyone after him, although my life was amazing and that I travelled a lot, enjoyed my life, there were days I missed him a lot. I also told him that I waited for him to come back for so long. And when I stopped waiting and decided to move on and date a new amazing guy he came back. so I asked him what does he want from me?

He said that:
- he is not interested in that girl anymore and that he is sorry to bring it up that day.
- He didnt want to give me false hopes when he came to stay with me and cuddle me etc. He did it without thinking about future and he did it because he feels comfortable with me and it felt nice. (!)
- He wants me to be in his life, somewhere, all the way.
- He has feelings for me. He thinks that we have a connection and that he feels the attraction.
- I tick a lot of boxes.
- But he doesn't see us together in the big picture, so if we start becoming close, he will stop it.
- (we are kind of from enemy countries) So he told me that his mothers side is ok if he was with a Turkish Cypriot girl but his dads side will not be ok. and he didn't want to tell me this because he thought i would stop talking to him.
- He knows that he will end up with a wrong person.
- He said that i am an old fashioned girl who loves deeply and men will love this.
- He said that if any guy hurts me he will be there and beat his a..
- He said that he wants me to move on and be happy.

He was so emotional and hold his tears.

So after this conversation I said I understand him. I felt free because I know what he wanted and I could finally move on.

But i did a mistake right after this conversation. He invited me to Berlin to a business trip with him and his teammates and told me that he will pay my ticket so that I could go with him. He paid 200 euros just so I could go. Instead of deciding what I want to do now with him, I decided to go to with him.

It was a wrong decision. I got so hurt because he was so cold with me after our first day. We had small arguments. And all started with a guy hitting on me and him getting jealous. Although he admitted that he was jealous, he told me that this wasn’t the reason why he was distant with me. What?!

So now, I am 100% he has strong feelings. But he denies his feelings. This kills me. Even his friends told me that he likes me but denies it. He called me treasure when we were there.

We also talked about other things. He told me that he has a lot of problems in his house. His father is in depression he sister just broke up with gf, he has confidence issues, and other issues that he can’t tell me. He nearly cried again.

We came back few days ago, he told me that he appreciates that I went Berlin with him and all the arguments we had actually made us closer.

But I am tried, I love him. I want to be with him. But it seems that I can’t get through him. So now, I have to make a decision:

He asked me if I will join the business.

I have two options:
1. I will join the business.
2. I will cut him off.

If join I will get hurt, seeing him with other girls.. He will get jealous when a guy likes me and treat me bad like he did in Berlin. I will keep asking myself, why can’t we be together?? And eventually I will never be able to move on.

If I cut him off, I will miss him..

What should I do? Stay or leave?

If I stay you think he will stop denying his feelings an be with me?...

So confused.... :(

Help please, I dont know what to do, he is messing with my head...

Default profile image
- But he doesn't see us together in the big picture, so if we start becoming close, he will stop it.
- He said that he wants me to move on and be happy.

I don't doubt he has strong feelings for you. And you obviously care deeply for him. That said... he's simply not available to you in the way you want and deserve. And he's assuring you that's not going to change. Believe him. Especially since his actions back that up. Being jealous of you with other guys is just him being selfish. Trying to get you jealous of him with other girls is just him needing his ego stroked, and to know you're still "there" when he needs you to be. He's sending mixed signals, because it's working... I know this because I was married to a guy like this. For 24 years. Yeah... it sucked and I don't want to see that happen to you. Please don't break your own heart over and over again like I did, hoping that he'll finally "get it" and be there for and with you, all the way. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He'd not be finding excuses or playing games.

The business opportunity isn't worth the chaos and pain it will cause you to be around him, but not with him. It's hard to break contact with someone you care deeply for, but you'll be so much happier in the long run. When I left, it sucked at first. More years of my life with him than without, but just three months later, and I'm happier being on my own. Happier than I've ever been, actually. I learned so much in the process of moving on, and now I know what I'm worth, what I want, and what I don't. The space he's taking up in your heart may be preventing you from finding and exploring relationships with other men that ARE available, and would move heaven and earth to be with you. Since he's not claiming you or your heart, you shouldn't be saving either for him. Take your heart back, focus on yourself for awhile, and don't settle for anyone that doesn't make it clear you're a priority and not just an option.

Moving on is never easy, but you're worth much more than a constantly confusing and hurtful "maybe" or "someday". You may eventually be able to be just friends, but I'd let as much time pass as you need before even trying that. In the meantime, plug into your support network of family and friends, and use the time and energy you've spent on him on yourself and the people that are making an effort to be in your life in meaningful ways. You are not a toy to be picked up and put down at his leisure. You deserve so much more than that, and I hope you know that.

Best of luck, and I hope you find some peace in the process of letting go. <3

Help please, I dont know what to do, he is messing with my head...

Default profile image
You must be sure of his MOTIVES

He connected back with you because he felt you would are a good BUSINESS contact, and would be an asset to the team. He must respect your mind and work ethic.

You must be sure that you made the correct interpretation of his interest. And you must decide if this business arrangement can survive if you two don't get together as BF/GF.

It sounds like he has given you fair-warning of his intentions.

Help please, I dont know what to do, he is messing with my head...

Default profile image
First of all you mentioned you had started dating a nice and promising guy before he came back into the picture. What is going on with him, through all of this?

Second question is, do you need this job that he is offering you? You don't really say at any point if you are in a position where you need a job, or if this is the kind of work you want to do.

You paint a pretty good picture of what you and this guy might be like. It sounds as though this guy is at least partly unwilling to be in a relationship with you because of social pressures - his father's side's opinion of people from your country, his own self-value as someone who might not be good enough or faithful enough for a woman like you, and several stressful factors in his life that are simply making being in a relationship possibly difficult.

I think you have more than two options here, but I don't know how any of them will play out.

If you turn the offer down but need/want this job, then you could have financial woes. You also say that if you turned him down you would have to sever connections with him. I don't think you have to sever connections with this man if you don't work with him - that sounds like a choice on your part. Maybe you don't want to work with him, or have no interest in the job, or don't need the job, but want him in your life?

If you accept the offer and join the business, hopefully you like what the job is all about. Your choice then is either to keep contact with this man in the same way, or else turn your relationship into a purely platonic or business one. It is apparent to me that you won't maintain a purely business-style relationship with this man, and while you might be able to avoid a relationship with him, you will always have a friendship at least.

Honestly if I were a woman in your shoes, I would give it a shot and pursue this guy. Throw yourself at him, tell him you don't care what his father or anyone else thinks, and that you want to be in his life too - as his woman. He is going to great lengths for you and the two of you obviously mean a lot to each other. Life is too short to let petty things come in the way of love, you should see if the two of you can make a relationship work out somehow. If not, if he really is a friend - then your outburst won't change your friendship, and he won't cut ties with you because he still wants you in his life.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?