Please help, need advice, cheated before marriage
Hi all, I am asking for advice and feedback. I am aware that what I have done is horrible, and I hate myself every.single.day. Especially since I've stopped drinking when I fell pregnant. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with our first. I have been with my man for almost 10 years, married for almost a year.
About 8 months before we got married, I was extremely drunk and hooked up with an Ex. It to lead to the next level, and as that began, reality suddenly set in, and I said I couldn't do this, and we stopped, and I went home. I was so disgusted in myself, and couldn't stand to hurt my partner. I was in such a dark place and was in disbelief about what happened. So, instead of telling him I, chose to just become a much better person for him and try to work out why I had acted out. I suppressed it so deep, and worked on myself so I could be a better person. I came to terms that alcohol and drug use was a major reason for my insecurities within the relationship as I had also grown up in the environment, and I guess I was scared to be involved in another environment where I would be starting a family with that all around. He also spent a lot of money gambling, and I guess lies come hand in hand with any addiction, so maybe I felt a sense of betrayal. I really wish I was able to deal with it in a less destructive way, but I didn't, and that's something I think I will always hate myself for. These reasons is not an excuse, because there is no excuse, but simply reasons as to why I may have acted out. None of this is his fault either, it's my fault that I didn't deal with my childhood trauma in the first place. If I Had, I may have reacted in a different way, and not used alcohol to deal with what I was feeling. I worked through a lot of my insecurities within these areas and have completely changed as a person. I have not acted out since or cheated at all since this episode (I have twice in the past to which we never worked out the reason, but I was honest about both times).
I feel extremely horribly for the person I was in the pAst, and hate the things I've done. Most of all, I hate the destruction I have caused and hate myself for hurting him. I am usually a very honest person. I believe that honestly is always best, and this mistake has caused me to go against that, and I really think I'm having a hard time dealing with that, too. After 24 weeks of not drinking, I really have made a lot of realisations, and this is one of them. I guess I felt that if I just ensured that I was honest from our wedding that we could start fresh. But now I realise that is the most ridiculous rationalisations that I could of made.
I don't know if I should come clean before Bub is here or after. I don't want to take away from the beautiful baby that we are about to bring into this world, nor do I want to carry this secret into our baby's life. I also don't want him to feel that he can't fully tell me how he really feels or react in a certain way because he is worried about me being stressed while pregnant. I am so stuck on what to do.
I have already written down my feelings, why I acted out in that way, and why I withheld the truth, taking full responsibility for what I have done, but also giving a comprehensive list of meanings which will hopefully alleviate some pain for him. I have also mentioned that no one would blame him if he couldn't move forward from this, and we had to split up. He would not be walking away from his family, it would have been ME that caused this, not HIM. That even brings tears to my eyes just thinking about the prospect that he may leave, but he deserves respect and that is to give him truth and not continue to hurt him by lying to him. I really wish I could have seen all this in earlier, but I was young, and terrified of myself and what I JD done, and hurting and losing this man that I truly loved so much! At the time I truly felt I was doing the right thing, and telling him would hurt him so much more. I wanted to show him I'm not that person and I didn't want to be that person.
I just don't know when to tell him. Beforehand, or after. Has anyone been in this situation and would be able to give me some advice. I just don't want to take away from his first child being brought into this world, and I most definitely don't want him to think about that horrible mistake every time he thinks of the birth of his child. I'm so stuck. I should of told him sooner and I hate myself for not. I guess it's only just really become clear since I've become pregnant. And now I feel so stuck.
Also, I need to add, alcohol was a factor each time. Also I know that what I've done is so horrible. I would honestly never ever ever be able to do this ever again. Each time I have done it I have been extremely drunk. This is no excuse whatsoever. But I do not handle alcohol very well and when I deal with my insecurities with alcohol then I just do things that I would never have ever done under the influence. I would never be able to do any of this sober. Being drunk is no excuse though, there's never an excuse. What I did was so wrong and I wish I had dealt with the underlying feelings the first time so that these insecurities never came up again. But I didn't and that's also something I will ALWAYS regret!
Do you go to AA?
No I have not. I have considered it though. Why do you ask?
Because in AA you will hear stories of other people who feel guilty about their past behaviors and how they are currently dealing with that - one day at a time.
thankyou. I will consider that.
I honestly dont think you need to beat yourself up for this, and that too at this point of time. This incident has happened in the past and not when you were married, not when you were pregnant with his baby. So firstly calm yourself down. Pregnancy is a tough phase ! So stop adding fuel to this. This anxiety is going to affect the baby. Am not trying to tell you what is right and whats wrong. But you need to understand what your priorities in life are. What you did when you were not married and not pregnant will certainly change to post your marriage and pregnancy. It is called evolution. Yes, am sure your husband will be upset when you will tell him that something like this had happened but does it validate to actually beat your self up for this ? I guess not.
You are mixing up a lot of things at this point of time. When i was young i have done the worst things possible. Now i can sit and brood over it, or maybe get my self together and do something good ahead in life so that i don't atleast ruin my future. Your child is going to be the luckiest person to have a mother who is so caring and thoughtful about everyones feelings. You are very special in your own way.
Everyone likes to be loved. Marriage and long term relationships are difficult to pass through. People do slip in this process. But that doesn't mean that you loose hope so easily. You need to justful in the judgements you are passing on your ownself.
Maybe if you don't tell your husband about this incident, everything remains happy ? You have bigger priorities in life my dear. Focus on getting those strong on solid, cause those matter the most now. Just because you had a fling with someone doesn't mean you ruin your unborn child's health by being depressed about the past. I know you have been through a lot in life and i dont mean to undermine that in any way. But i honestly feel that you need to get yourself together, start looking at all the positive things in life that you have and the ones that you need to do in the future too.
By you telling your husband that this thing has happened is just going to add unnecessary frictions in your life. Am not promoting that you lie to him but just give priority to things that are in your hand currently. If you are going to get destruction on to your ownself, thats what you are going get. So kindly, let the past be the past and move on. You have your whole life to deal with it.
Hope things work out for the best my dear
@Harry888 - thank you so much for reading and your in depth response. I really appreciate your insight.
Thank you for helping to put things into perspective for me. I know that I am pregnant, and I really do need to settle myself, and make sure that I am healthy (mentally and physically) through this pregnancy. And that is the most important thing right now.
I am not someone who is very good at keeping something from this magnitude from someone that I love and care about... And from someone that loves and cares about me. I have no idea how I actually kept it for ailing. I guess I truly just tried to focus on the future and never doing that again and I struggled with the fact it actually happened, that I was just able to suppress it so low to a point where it really just didn't let it come into my life. I guess being pregnant, I wanted to sort everything out before bubs comes so that she comes into a happy and healthy home... But then I realised its not just back and white, and trying to sort everything out could in fact cause more harm than good at this period in time.
So I thank you for your advice. I do agree, and now the pregnancy is the most important thing and ensuring that bubs does not feel stressed is what matters most.
i think I will try to leave this in the past, for now at least. And then look again in the future to see if it's relevant. I'm really just not certain how I will go keeping this to myself, as honestly is one of my biggest values, and I can't stand that I've gone against it to someone who is so close to me in my life. Also, imagine if it came out in some other way, and it wasn't directly from me. The pain for him would be tremendously worse and he may never be able to find it within himself to trust me ever again. That has more possibllility of ruining everything, than if I was honest and genuine. I really feel like there would be so much less pain of coming from me. But who knows I may be looking into it far too much. Although I hate myself for what I've done, I am glad that I've been able to identify what I was doing as wrong so that I don't do anything like that ever again, which is something that is positive. We are all young and so silly things when we are young. I guess you make mistakes and then decide how you are going to move forward, and if you can make the decision to never make those mistakes again, and learn how not to (more importantly), then that in itself is a gift.
Thank you again for helping me see all of this from a different, less cluttered and clouded perspective. I really do appreciate it. : )
I guess I didn't want to just sit idly by, but I wanted to stress that you should probably talk about this with your husband at some point. I mean, you were with him when this happened - a ring is just a ring, the relationship was already begun. I don't think it's any different whether you cheat while married or while seeing someone serious.
It's okay to wait for a better moment, but I wouldn't wait too long. See the thing is, you don't want this to cause added stress - and yes, it may cause much more added stress to bring it up... However, you are already experiencing stress and guilt from what happened, and talking about it will probably help. If you can't tell your husband just yet and need to wait for the right moment, it would not be a bad idea in the meantime to talk to a counselor who can help you through some of these things you are dealing with. It sounds like you have a lot of issues that have been impacting you throughout your life, and you could use someone who won't judge you to seriously listen to you and offer their support and advice. They can help you determine the best possible way of breaking this news to your husband, possibly even during ongoing sessions.
I will say I have talked to quite a few counselors over the years, and some were definitely better than others, but I think you can learn a little more about yourself each time regardless. It's all a learning experience. I thought the paid professional shrink I went to a few years ago with my ex seemed a little weird, but he mostly seemed to hit on a few issues in our relationship at the time, even a few maybe we weren't aware of. I think looking back on those couple of sessions now, I am happy we gave it a shot - it made me realize there were some issues that we downplay to ourselves, that really could be bigger problems we just don't realize.
And, you're more than welcome to continue talking with me, or anyone here who is willing to talk. Peoplesproblems has some people who really try their best to give reasonably decent feedback on a variety of issues, so don't be afraid to use us if you'd like to get more feedback or talk about things!
Congratulations on the baby, and I hope that everything works out for you in your relationship. Also, maybe stay away from alcohol. I'm kind of trying to swear that off - never seems to make things better really.