I feel like there is no way out
Hi thanks for taking the time to read this, I will try to keep it as brief as possible! Ok so I am 34 my husband is 42, together 10 years married 5, we have children. Long story short is he drinks and it is slowly destroying our marriage and he can't see it. He comes in from work and drinks pint after pint until he falls asleep, I dread weekends as it's the only time we get as a family but he chooses to drink instead, we do nothing as a family, I take the kids out on my own. We argue every weekend as I hate seeing him slurring and swaying it's just not right for kids to see! They have even said daddy just drinks beer and doesn't take us out anywhere, it breaks my heart. My problem is we live in his mothers house (not with her) so it's me that has to go, I have been on the housing list nearly a year now trying to get a place and I'm not getting anywhere, I can't save any money to go myself as he doesn't give me any at all, any money I do get I spend on food for the family or things for the kids, he doesn't even contribute to the household stuff! And he doesn't have to pay mummy rent either! She's another story.. I have been to her in absolute desperation about his alcohol isssues and even saved a week of his cans in a black bag because he told her I was lying!! and she just took them and got rid of them like it never happened! I have no family as I was in care as a child so there is nobody I can go to. I just want to be happy again. My youngest has autism and I look after him so that is challenging enough without him acting like this, there is no reasoning behind it either, he just acts like he's still 18, he works with lads in their 20s and sits texting them all night, things like... what number beer are you on now mate, or this the other day.... looks like there has been a party for one in my house the amount of empties in my kitchen mate! Why can't he see what he's doing?!
Hire an attorney. They almost always have free consultations for situations like this. They'll be able to help you figure out what you can afford, how you can support yourself, and what the laws are for divorce or separation in your state.
Unfortunately divorce will be his wake up call as I know someone who went through the same situation. Since then he's had a sponsor and gone through the 12 step program and is trying to become a sponsor himself. He realized that alcoholism destroyed his marriage and has deep regrets. Maybe bringing up divorce might give him second thoughts maybe not.
Your story sounds like mine some 47 years ago - with first husband. His family and social life were supporters of his alcoholism. He would rather sit at the bar then come home to me and 3 kids. And he spent all the money at the bar!
I went to Alanon. It saved my life. I found how how to live with an alcoholic AND my role in all this.
ALL my children have "scars" from living in a home where there is an alcoholic and an enabler (me).
Find out how to get yourself in a more healthy place. (Don't look for help with the mother - she knows what he is but is in denial)
You need counseling ASAP.
Hello. I was very touched by what you wrote and felt compelled to respond. God bless you, girl. You sure have been given your fair share of challenges, havenât you? My goodness.
Let me start by telling you that you are doing a wonderful job holding your family together. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and I commend you for that. I know that is not easy. It sounds like you are a caring, loving mother who is desiring the best for her kids and one day they will remember that.
Your husband is certainly struggling. Addiction is a very sad disease and, unfortunately, it sounds like he is not ready to admit that. For now, if you want your marriage to survive, you may have to work on things from your end. I see that someone else had suggested Al-Anon. Have you thought about going to one of those meetings? I know folks who have done that when they have a spouse or relative who is addicted and it gives them strategies and coping mechanisms. That might be of some help. Another resource is http://www.celebraterecovery.com.
They also provide a lot of resources for those who are addicted and those who love addicts.
I have had struggles in my own life and one thing that has always worked for me is prayer. I am not sure if that is up your alley or not or if that is something youâd even consider, but I encourage you to try it :-) The great thing about prayer is that you can start at any time and sometimes the best prayer is just âgod help me.â I have used that one myself many, many times. When nothing else in my life seemed to work, prayer calmed me and helped me see things differently. When you pray, make sure to pray for your husband. God can work in places we canât. Again, I have seen this in my own life.
One last thing. Do you have a church home? A church can provide so much for a struggling family. They can offer resources like counseling, child care, meals, etc. It might be just what you need. At church, you are always home.
I will pray for you and your family. God bless you on this journey and may His grace and mercy embrace you. Keep up the fight. You are doing a great job.
His mother knows he has a problem, you know he has problem, but he doesn't. That's the issue with addicts, it's takes for them to hit rock bottom, to realize that they are addicted. It's those closest, like you and your family, who suffer the most. Like all addicts, when he hits rock bottom, he will need to do the hard yards of recovery by himself. You, on the other hand, have a choice, continue to try and support him or support yourself and your children away from him.