I don't know how to fix myself after deaths of those close to me
In March of 2015 I lost my grandfather, in December of the same year I lost my grandmother. Fast forward to January 2016 I almost lost my father & my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like ever since my grandfather passed I haven't been the same. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares about maybe being able to save him, or about losing my dad. I'm to the point where I cry at the smallest things, I don't want to be around anyone & I would rather be alone & I can hardly eat. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to go back to the way I was before all of this happened but I can't seem to let go of the guilt and pain of losing a role model in my life. I'm in pain everyday but I don't know how to go about telling someone. Can anyone relate/help?
It's totally normal to be depressed after someone you love dies. If you feel like you need to take to someone about it, could you reach out to your dad? Or someone else who also knew your grandparents? It really can help to get everything off your chest.
There is no denial that you've been through a lot in this past year. It is extremely difficult to handle so many losses one after another. The only way out of all of this is to firstly start talking to yourself more positively. Now dont get me wrong here please, am not suggesting you a Voodoo therapy. But just hear out it. I have been in a similar situation where the only thing in my life was suffering. You need to talk to yourself more positively and very less negative things.
The only way of tackling depression/remorse is to actually go out and do things that make you happy, that make you forget all those worries in life and just relax yourself. Going for movies, for a weekend trip, out with friends for parties, hiking, sun bathing on the beach are things that can put you at ease. If you hold your self guilty for enjoying yourself, you will never ever be able to snap out of this. And by not snapping out of this, you are going to ruin your future, you are going to miss all the opportunities that could come in your way, and you will regret that one day.
I am not suggesting you to forget your loved ones, but in order to be justful to them, you need to first stand strong on the ground. Exercising makes me feel great. It sweats all my anger, my remorse. You will have to find out what works for you. Maybe go for long jogs with good music to go with it.
You can only & only snap out of this if you make an extra effort of actually being happy. If you choose to stay at home and sit in remorse, you will never be able to move in life. Am sure you this already, but life is full of challenges. We need to work hard in every facet of it to make it worth living. You may choose to remorse all your life, but that really is not going to help you in any way. You are far more stronger than you think. You have a great sense responsibility and that will never go unheard.
You also mentioned about not liking to being around people, that is a natural reaction when you are in such a kind of state. You dont like being judged, you dont want people to give you fake pep talks. So dont worry, you are not wrong on that. But let me also tell you something, it is not that bad. Being around people can make a lot of difference to your general mood. It can help get you loosen up a bit. So, get your self together. Just make an effort to let all of it go and work towards getting your life on track. By you being remorseful isnt going to get anyone back to life. So accept that and move on.
I hope things work out for the best for you. Take care
You mentioned that you were not comfortable sharing your feelings with anyone. It can be hard to talk to people you know and I’m so glad you worked up the courage to post about your feelings online. Losing a loved one who is a real live role model must really ad to the burden. Your grandfather must have been a really special person in your life. There is an organization I know about called Focus on the Family. The have a 1-800 number that offers free counseling. You could talk with them for some advice and perspective and still feel confident the conversion being confidential. The number is 855-771-HELP (4357). Being a Christian I believe in the power of prayer. I will be praying for you and that you will continue to reach out for help. Blessings.