I think he could be my soulmate?
I was out with my best girlfriend a couple of nights ago and we met a group of men in the bar where we were drinking. At first it was just friendly banter but after an hour or so one of the guys was trying to gauge if there was an interest in his friend. They were all great guys but I wasn't really interested as I have a long time boyfriend of 5 years.
I politely told him that I wasn't interested in his friends and we got talking. We were both the same age. In highly skilled jobs and we had similar interests. It became apparent that there was a big connection and I tried to ignore it, I get the feeling he was doing the same as we suddenly began talking about our relationship status. We were both in a relationship slump, partners were disinterested in sex and we had questioned leaving them on many occasions. But it's hard when you love someone as much as we both loved our partners. He was looking for some cosmetic work for his girlfriend (she wanted her nose fixing) and I work at a private plastics clinic as a surgical nurse, so I gave him my card and told him to contact me whenever he liked and I would discuss the options with his girlfriend. I then said goodbye and jumped into a taxi.
10 mins later an unknown number called and he very broadly asked if he could come home with me. I was shocked but found myself saying yes and I turned the taxi around to go pick him up.
The chemistry was electric and we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we fell through my front door ripping each others clothes off. What ensued was four hours of the best sex I had ever had. I cried during because I had missed this kind of physical contact. My boyfriend rarely has sex with me, it's once every 12 wks and if I initiate he shoves me off or leaves the room, so this was long overdue and I realised how much I needed this intimacy. What was worse was we were so compatible and the connection was tangible. It's like we were in sync perfectly.
After we finished we talked for hours before I rang him a cab. We agreed it was a one off, and if I'm honest, the guilt of what I'd done was kicking in. I had never cheated before. This was a shock to my system. We exchanged a couple of polite messages over the course of the day, but we agreed to just say goodbye.
Yesterday my friend put some pictures of our night on social media and I was taken back to that night. I realised that I had something for this guy. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, and I don't want to break up this guys relationship. I don't want to appear stalker like, but I need to see him again. In a way I regret meeting him. What should I do?
I think you need to be honest with your self and ask your self if you still want to be with your current boyfriend or if things have fizzled out ? If I'm honest he sounds very dismissive of what you need. But Also has your sex life with him always been like this? Has he always had a low sex drive? If it's changed dramatically then I think you need to find out why. Does he show that he cares for you in other ways?
It's very easy to just stay with someone just for the sake of it but Writing pros and cons (secretly) about him
/your relationship might help you. I suggest this because sometime we think Irrationally and doesn't help and its not always the truth or what we really feel and can make you think very negatively . writing things out in front of you will help you get a good picture...
Also are things fixable with your current boyfriend ? Can you both put effort in to make them better? If you think it will be just you putting all the effort in and not him then don't go there, it will frustrate you! Do you need to have an honest conversation about what your unhappy about or would he not listen? Can you continue live with the guilt and continue with the way things are? Talking this through with a close friend you can't trust would help, if you haven't done so already.
I agree, lack of imtermacy lead to you to this, and you relalised how much you missed it. Possibly why you cried after? I think both people in a relationship need to feel wanted and loved and showing that to each other by making nice gestures or sex is important. Everyone wants to feel close to their partner and everyone has their own needs but in order to feel better and get happy you need to get your needs met. It needs to be fair and balanced.
I understand that you had a connection with this other guy and you have things in common with your jobs, you're both not really happy with your current partners and there was also that spark etc. I would just tread carefully incase it doesn't work out (if you want them too) with this guy. Would you be happy potentially being on your own if it didn't?
Sometimes, these things happpen when we're unhappy with something, whether it's a relationship or something else...we look for ways to get out. It's just try to discover if it's worth saving or moving on :)
While you both lacked intimacy in your relationships, it's not the only thing which keeps two people together. Love, respect, honesty and most importantly, communication are other important things which kick start a relationship daily. You state that you don't want to hurt your BF, but you have already, and while you communicate here on this forum, you need to use communicate with him and discuss together how to repair your relationship or end it for good. The choice is yours because your actions tell you it's time to make a decision.
Your current relationship and it's lack of intimacy is the issue and not so much the guy that you met. He's solely responsible for his actions whether you contact him again or not. Be wary about throwing something away that you have, looking for something better, only to find that better never makes the grade.
CONNECTEDTOEASYJET, you can't try on the one hand to make yourself feel better, etc., by justifying your act as a soulmate-ish connection made manifest yet, on the other, categorise your thread as 'Sex'. It doesn't gel, *whatsoever* and, more to the point, means you've answered your own header question.
Is your answer true, though ("dan-dan-DANNNN!")? Maybe he is/potentially is and it scared you off??
Electric connection. Yeah. Over-abstinence will do that. (Or will over-magnify it.) I mean - "My boyfriend rarely has sex with me, it's once every 12 wks and if I initiate he shoves me off or leaves the room" - er, do WHAT, HE DOES WHAT?!?!! AT FIVE YEARS IN?!
HOW CRUEL AND NASTY!!!
So, then, basically we have this: I want out of this sub-standard relationship but, thanks to the fact I'm still too firmly attached, can't muster the strength to rip out that invisible umbilicus and suffer the resultant agony under my own steam, hence need steam to borrow / that's artificially manufactured/exacerbated from elsewhere.
News for you: you have not cheated, not in my opinion. You have to be *in* a relationship - a real one, not just something that assumes the label - to cheat. You are not. This says so: ""My boyfriend rarely has sex with me, it's once every [3 months] and if I initiate he shoves me off or leaves the room"". That's not how a man whom considers himself your boyfriend and you his girlfriend, 'with a view', behaves, would DARE behave (for fear of getting fired at whatever inevitable point, let *alone* bear knowing the inevitable crushed-ness it'd again and again cause you!)...so clearly your boyfriend either doesn't consider you and he to be bf-gf or isn't qualified to be such. (Both, probably, if he could be so knowingly callous with your deepest feelings.)
End your so-called relationship with so-called boyfriend, let this guy know somehow (making it clear you need to wait a couple of months or so to get ex out of your hair before you'll be legitimately available and up for the task, thereby leaving whether he goes and extricates himself and bides his time in response, his own decision) (- "testing, testing, one-two-three"), and then take it from there *or* be prepared for another soulmate candidate to bump paths with you (inevitable/guaranteeable). If, however, you and he try to start something sooner, be aware that you'll be demoting it - permanently - right from the off to a mere rebound job. Soulmatedom, more than anything, is a state of mind...a state of mind that vibes out and attracts a Like... a likeMINDED. You're not qualified to call it Soulmatedom unless when you do so you're bang-slap back in neutral, both of you.
Not that a rebound job mightn't prove useful, mind. But if the chemistry was *that* powerful - and dual- rather than single-levelled (mental/emotional as well) then, rather than see it wasted, I would do what I recommend... in order to protect and preserve it for when you're both ready and have full and re-intact umbilical cords with which to mutually attach. Otherwise, it *will* just be sex.
5 years is a long time. People evolve, tastes evolve, your expectations change, a lot happens in that time. It is very natural that the excitement between the partners goes down, the sex becomes mundane, you tend to be less interested in opening up with each other and so on. But that also doesn't mean that you change partners every 5 years ! You get what am saying ? :) Coming to the point, Am sure this new guy that you met is amazing. Its really nice to have someone who can provide you the lifestyle that you really want, even if it is for those few hours.
It is extremely important that you take this incident very seriously. You need to re-analyze your reasons for being with your current partner. You need to ask your self of things that you want out of life. What are you looking on the long term perspective. There are loads and loads of freeloaders out there looking to have fun. But every time one walks into your life, doesnt mean that you leave your old life and move on to this new exciting offer. You need to set your priorities straight and keep on working towards it.
You will never know if this new guy is good, available, shares the mutual feelings as you do for him, unless you meet him. It is going to keep killing you from the inside if you don't meet him. SO i definitely would tell you to make that phone call to him and meet him up for a cup of coffee. The worst that could happen is that he would turn you down, but the best that could happen is that you will realize what you really should expect in life. It will help you understand how strong your relationship with your current partner is.
Don't be fooled with the emotional drama that goes in life my dear. It is just going to keep wasting your precious time and energy. Always look for the best possible way to progress in life, which includes of building up your career, pursuing your passions, developing your skills and so on. Anyways, let me not turn into a shrink for you now !
Meet this guy up for a cup of coffee. First try to gauge if he really is genuine in what he is talking. People change when they are in a bar and when they meet someone who they are not accountable for. They kind of turn into Demi Gods and will sell you anything possible in order to get what they want out of you. Once that is settled, you will get a clearer picture on which way you want to go in life. Whether that be with your current partner, with him, or maybe find a completely new partner itself !
I hope things work out for the best for you :)