What to do? Need advice
ROY198915 - Oct 13 2016 at 23:57
So i met this girl a couple of weeks ago at a bar. Im a regular customer there. She"s actually a bartender.
We have been talking for a while and i definitely feel that there is some kind of atraction between us. Shes very friendly with me. She gives me free drinks and pays attention to me even if shes busy. Im not confusing that with a nice attitude towards customers. For example, one time she openly told me (she was a bit drunk i guess) that she doesnt have a boyfriend and shes feeling lonely and invited me to this party. However, the next time i visited she wasnt so friendly anymore. Im so confused and dont know what to think if she likes me or not.
The problem is - i"m married and she knows that. But i would like to know this girl better and maybe even date her. Deep inside i know that what im doing is wrong but i cant help myself.
In the end Im at the point where im feeling i need to decide what to do. Should i tell her how i feel? What if she rejects me? I dont want to destroy relationships with her compeletly. WHAT SHOULD I DO OR TELL HER NEXT? Im tired of not knowing.
Thank you in advance.
There are a number of factors at play here. Not knowing more details than what you've provided, I'll simply give my two cents for whatever it's worth.
It was my first thought that one the reasons she may been "not so friendly anymore" when you saw her again, was that she was more conscious of your marriage and was not wanting to jeopardise that for you in some way. Or possibly, she had become interested in someone else and didn't want to hurt your feelings, particularly if she perceived an attraction between the two of you. Or a combination of each. Perhaps a friend "warned" her off becoming involved with someone married. Only guessing here.
A question I would put would be one of time. You said you met this girl a couple of weeks ago. Now, compare two weeks to how long you've been married (we don't know how long that is). Presumably there were strong reasons why you married your wife - are they stronger than what you've been feeling towards this girl? If not, why not? What is that you're feeling from this girl that you're not feeling from your wife? Or maybe try flipping that a little - What could *you* do to reclaim whatever it may be that you're not feeling from your wife that you *do* feel with this girl?
Do you know - I mean do you have a conviction that your wife still loves you? And is it worth compromising that for someone you've only known for a fortnight?.
Like I said at the start, I don't know the details of your marriage, I'm only going on my own feelings. I've remained 100% loyal and devoted to my wife for 16 years (despite the way things have gone recently) and whilst I've met attractive women (mostly work colleagues) during that time, there's *never* been a thought of anything but my marriage - that's not within me. But that's just me.
You said you're reaching a point where you feel like telling her your feelings, and that you don't want to destroy the relationship. Weigh up which person you want to tell your feelings to and which relationship you don't want to destroy.
Agree. You're not in a position to start up a new relationship because you exchanged vows to stay together until death, regardless of those sorts of commonplace temptations i.e. TESTS. All you'll end up with are two half-relationships with each woman. But a half relationship is no relationship and as such, is automatically dissatisfying, let alone doomed to failure.
The problem is NOT 'that she knows you're married'. The problem seemingly is that you're married yet don't see that fact as any kind of preventative embargo. "QUE?!". SINCE WHEN?! So I suggest you seek counselling to find out not just why you'd contemplate such a disgustingly low-down, sh*tty act, but how you could wantonly send *yourself* on a well-worn, pretty rapid path to self-destruction whilst taking another (presumably) innocent person down with you. Or two if you count this bartender and what she'd be doing to her *own* self-worth.
Yes, you *can* help yourself; stop trying to be weak and make excuses for it. Either seek your wife's agreement to work on fixing your relationship with her and getting it back to the more mutually happy and pleasing state it once was (meantime staying away altogether from that bar), preferably with the help of weekly couples counselling, or do the upstanding, decent, gentlemanly thing of asking for a divorce and then waiting until you're single and over your marriage to start any new relationship. Either of those choices will do your self-esteem and self-pride the power of good (as would have an incredible knock-on, enhancement effect to your life, across the board). Again, not so the route you're considering.
Are ArmourPerdu and I *really* telling you anything you didn't know already? I doubt that very much or (actions!) you wouldn't be on here basically saying 'somebody stop me!', think about it.