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Sleeping with others during break up

Posted by
LAURA86
on Oct 14 2016 at 04:37
Member since: 14 October 2016
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category When I barely started seeing my current boyfriend we were friends with benefits. I genuinely liked him but soon after found out he took the title serious, he even slept with an old of friend of mine I didn't like while he was intoxicated. Eventually, we did become serious and became official and even moved in together. The more attached I became the more I started to become spiteful over the past, so overall our relationship was rocky but also had a lot of good times, I really loved him. He had to leave for work training for 6 months , which made things even more difficult. He called me everyday but I was alone with my thoughts and bitter over the past. We got into an argument over the phone which led us to breakup. Later on the night I logged into his Facebook (I know very very wrong) and noticed that he messaged a girl he used to sleep with but on his behalf he didn't further the conversation. I was furious and told him off. Couple days later I got very intoxicated trying to cope and ended up sleeping with someone from a party. I ended contact the next day. About 2 weeks later after that I met someone new and was slightly interested , we slept together twice (alcohol involved) .. And soon enough realized I really didn't like this lifestyle. I eventually felt disgusted with myself, "incredibly slutty," and very out of character. I have no ties with neither these men and it was discrete but I still feel really horrible about my actions that I would cry myself to sleep wishing I can go back in time and change it. My ex started talking to me again and visited me, made me feel at home and we talked about working out things again. Due to my actions I never think of his past anymore because I feel too guilty now. I feel telling him would only slightly relieve my guilt I carry and cause him pain and obviously lose him forever which I really don't want to do. So now that we are back together , things have surprisingly been amazing and communication has been great. However, I still live in guilt like very very bad!! I have my good days and bad days. Any advice on what to do, or overcome this obstacle in my life? This guilt isn't going away, it's been 5 months since the breakup. Thank you in advance.
Reply from
LENEN
on Oct 14 2016 at 10:14
Member since: 01 October 2016
you have to forgive yourself.

i think it is not yet the right time to tell him this very big mistake you did. he will be very devastated.

besides, you are not ready yet...

cast your burden to God, He is the only one who will help you.

“The principles had never changed. Everything you and I need

to know about happiness and success is contained

within the binding of one book –

The Holy Bible” –Glenn Bland

Reply from
HARRY888
on Oct 14 2016 at 13:40
Member since: 08 October 2016
It is very difficult to cope up with life when your going through a break up. The sudden vacuum can make you do unthinkable things. It is really nice that you've realized where your going wrong in life and u have made the necessary corrections. My strong opinion to you is to focus on building up your life and put your energies where they are actually needed. Brooding over the past isn't going to really help you a lot. Yes it is a dilemma when it comes to opening up to your partner about your sins. But the best way to handle that is, to firstly prohibiting yourself on over doing it. By this i mean, don't give it too much of importance. Having sex with someone isn't a sin. Being a wreck and ruining your life, thats the biggest worry you should be having. The time and energy that you wasted on the cheap frills is more worrying than actually you sleeping with these random guys.

So answering your question, you should tell your partner about it when you feel its the right time. He will definitely understand, if you put it in the right perspective. Dont over exaggerate it or make it sound like its a sin, Cause it really isn't that bad. If you bring destruction over your life, you will reap those fruits only. So its better that you take a deep breath and focus on the more important things in life.

Do note that i am not promoting the fact that you should be hiding things from your partner. Being honest is extremely essential in every relationship. But being smart and doing the right thing is also very important. So make the right choices dear.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 14 2016 at 18:00
Member since: 19 August 2014
You obviously felt his treachery had put you on the backfoot (the insecure, clingy, over-careful thus largely obsequious one) and needed to even the playing field rather than continue to suffer that dynamic ever more...and then finally had the catalyst for daring to.

He 'did' two. So you 'did' two. See it? And never mind his apparent 'new leaf' (which isn't legit unless one can maintain it even under pressure!) because let's not forget the fact that despite having reported-in dutifully every day, HE MESSAGED HER, not the other way around. So why did he feel the need to make it 3-0?...or, should I say, make it *appear* like that's where things were heading? Because you'd demonstrated (via that phone confrontation) you weren't tamed *enough* despite the first two past incidents?

Note the cause and effect: you break up with him (or cause the break-up) and he responds by basically saying 'Think again/take it back or the puppy gets it!'. He may have only put one bullet into that favourite gun of his and merely cocked rather than fired it - hoping you'd 'hear' (yup - inevitable) and try to get him and the relationship back (worked in the past, did it not) - but it was still he who made that first kind of move. ...To which you called his bluff.

And yet (bar giving him a piece of your mind), chase you *didn't*....and look what this time happened: HE did the approaching/chasing. Truth is, he always could and would have, had you not been so quick each and every time to fix his messes yourself.

You're not half as guilty as he is - your infidelity was reactive and 'like for like'. Maybe what's really making you feel so bad is the fact you've gone and lost your prior high ground and hence your leverage for keeping him on the straight and narrow from now on? Whatever... His form of infidelity is actually a tack for emotionally blackmailing and pressuring you, *achieved by* the act of cheating.

Listen, when it's Love, you inspire one another to be better-better-better, not find yourself competing, as well in the downwards direction. But you two had a really rotten foundation, didn't you, thanks to your commitmentphobic toe-dipping (*chickens* with benefits, more like)....which is what got built on....which is why the resultant 'house' atop it started lopsided then completely crumbled. This whole relationship sounds to me like it's always been a warped game of Who's Safest? I'm betting you wouldn't have even moved in with him at that premature point, had it not been the only way to keep him abiding by the rules (- am I right?). In short, *he's* the more insecure one, not you. But you spend long enough with an insecure type and pretty soon they'll start to infect *you* with it!

"it's been 5 months since the breakup"

Interesting semantic. Note the difference: "It's been 4-and-a-half months since we got back together." Care to comment? Maybe it's not guilt or self-shame at all? Maybe what it is, is something you're not ready to face up to?

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?