Not sure how I feel about this
MIA-GRACE28 - Oct 15 2016 at 19:36
I've been together with my fiancé since we were 20, we met on a gap year before starting university, we're now in our mid twenties. We've managed to get through univesity dispite being far apart, him up north and me down south. It was really hard being apart but we determind and managed, and it was worth the wait. He finished his teaching degree last year and moved down south again, got a job as a teacher in a local primary school, whilst I carry on studing for my degree. At the beginning of the year we got engaged, brought a house together, near both our parents and things were/are pretty amazing and were really happy. The wedding has been put on hold till i finish university. I was pregnant this year, it wasn't ideal but we would of coped, unforturnately my pregnanagy didnt work out which im still getting over it.
Last night my fiancé said he needed to talk to me, and told me his ex girlfriend (who he dated for a year before me) had been in contact with him and that he has a little girl, which came as a bit of shock because she kept this quiet for six years. Apparently she has her reasons as to why, nothing bad against my fiancé, she had issues at the time, her family and friends told her to tell him but she made the choice not to. She has a partner herself but this little girl only know him as her step dad. Shes applogised to him and they've discusssed this a lot. The thing is, she's is also very unwell and the prognosis isn't good, hence why she got in contact with him.
I took this quite well but I then realised the timing didnt quite add up and he addmitted that inbetween us getting together (six years ago, it was quite a long process because we were unsure about starting a relationship whilst we both about to start university), he slept wth her inbetween this time and this little girl is the out come. I'm not sure how I feel about this i feel angry because we were just getting together and he just when back to his ex and slept with her, yeah he was young and 19 but Why be so impatient? But his argument is I cant be angry wth him because we weren't official. He seems to think this is all linked up to be being pregnant and it not working out...which in some ways makes sense, i can't help it. I feel like ive lost a little bit of trust towards him but at the same time I really love him, I want to be with him and I want to marry him.
We're meeting this little girl and his ex gf and her partner tomorrow. if im honest i have mixed feelings! I feel really sorry for this little girl who is potentially loosing her mum so young, I want to befriend her and hope to build up a friendship with her.ive seen a picture of her, she look exactly like my fiancé and apprently she's very easy going and knows whats going on. Im also sorry my fiances ex is so ill and life span is short but at the same time i'm weary of her. I dont think shes the easiest of people but im willing to try.
Really the only thing ive got going for me is that im doing a phd in child physcology so I will have some idea as to what this little girl is potentially going through and will go through when her mum passes away.
Today we told my fiances parents who once over the shock were hugely supportive and excited and have cancelled all their plan to come and meet their granddaughter for a couple of hours tomorrow but they are also very awear and very considerate as to how I might be feeling. Naturally they are Angry with my fiances ex for keeping this little girl from my fiancé and them but i doubt they'll say anything as they're so nice.
I feel this quite rushed but I realise I cant do much about it. As my fiancé ex is pretty keen to get her settled with us and get a routine going, i dont know how much i can say if i start to feel uncomfortable as arrangements will need to be made soon . I just don't know if I can do this im doubting this for some reason and unsure why. I've gone from being pregnant to a potential step parent to a six year old and its all happening very quick!
Wow Mia, that's a lot to have to contend with in a short time and you have my sympathies. It's no surprise that you're unsure of your feelings.
I think you have a right to be angry at your fiance for what essentially boils down to infidelity, irrespective of you two "not being official" at the time, or the folly of youth. The serious illness of his ex and your own miscarriage is not going to help matters. You will be reacting to things emotionally and run the risk of seeming selfish when not showing compassion for another who may not have long to live. This is truly awkward. And I'm also not surprised at you having lost a bit of trust - that's a perfectly reasonable reaction.
History is a terrible thing in relationships in my experience, especially history that involves anything remotely approaching infidelity. It has the capacity to rear it's (usually quite ugly) head at very inopportune moments, particularly during arguments, at which point the fighting can become really dirty. The other thing it can do is cause the person with the questionable history to start projecting their guilt over what they did onto you. This is an added layer that you can do without.
My only advice would be to hold on to what you said about being in love with him and wanting to marry him. This is a positive thing to keep. Yes, you naturally have these other nagging doubts and feelings, and you need to protect yourself against letting those come into an argument if they're not relevant to the topic. It's hard, it's really hard I know, but you need to keep yourself healthy while you're dealing with these problems.
You will presumably have contacts through your study with people in other areas of psychology, so perhaps seek out counselling with someone who can hear your problems - just yours.
It's quite probable that your fiance is dealing with his own problems over this. There is the rather extreme issue of the illness of his ex and how potentially confused he could be feeling about that, opposite the more positive thought of having a daughter (at least I presume it would be positive). But if he is worth loving as you do, then he should be sympathetic to your position as well.
I think you're being very brave, and that you have the right outlook. I wish you well with the forthcoming meeting and with whatever is ahead over the following months, and I will be thinking of you.