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I Can't Quite Believe This...

Posted by
LILY31
on Oct 15 2016 at 20:47
Member since: 08 September 2016
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category I wrote on here last week about my parents splitting up and having no idea why. I'm still clueless but it's escalated today and I'm not coping well with what's happened today.

I was hoping for this weekend to be good, my dads away with work so I didnt have to go and stay with him for the whole weekend do nothing and be bored. We had a really nice evening with my mum last night a watching movie. she was on really good form because we weren't away from her.

And I made plans and have a date with this guy tomorrow. I have made plans for the weekend in weeks.

It was so nice to wake up in my room on a weekend, rather then in a twin room with my little sister having my space and my mood just lifted. And I was feeling ok and positive.

I went shopping with my friends and it was really nice and I felt like my old self, I think even my friends saw the difference.

I got a shock when we finished shopping by walking past an estate agent and there in the window was my family home! Being advertised! I was actually speechless because I had no idea. My friend were pretty shocked on my behalf. When I got home I confronted my mum about it she admitted that she had put it on the market on Thursday and was going to tell us this weekend... She and my dad had actually spoken about his briefly by email, not in person because they can't afford the house with my dad renting his apartment. The plan is to sell the family home my mum buy some where smaller.

Apparently she and my dad were thinking about putting it on the market before but never got any further until now.

I can't quite believe this I love my family home and really don't want to move but gues I can't do anything about it. And all I'm concluding is that there not getting bk together anytime soon and just going to stay as they are. I think it's really unfair considering Ive still got no reason as to why yet they put me and my sibling through a lot of stress and a lot of change .

It feels like their purposefully trying to mess me up! I really dislike them at the moment!

The atmosphere in the house is not good. I'm trying to pull myself together for this date tomorrow partly because I really don't want to be here.

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 15 2016 at 22:35
Member since: 15 October 2016
I think I just read your last post a moment ago and was going to reply to that, but then I saw this...so im going to post my reply here... wow, you have been through a lot! Well done you, you come across mature, coincious of your siblings feelings and strong. Keep surrounding yourself with your friends when you can, they also seem supportive of you, which is good. I know thing arent normal but trying to keep some normality will help you.

You're right, when parents break up, they do give a normally reason. They don't always go into details because naturally, they don't want to upset their children. It depends how open they are and how much their children actually want to know/and can handle the truth. Really they should be answering any questions you do have, give you some reassurance, relieving your anxieties and guiding you, not keeping you in the dark.

Your parents aren't horrible people though, and I really dont think its their intention to 'mess you up', even though i can quite understand why you may think they are being insensitive. In reality some parents really dont know how to handle separaention/divorce, more so when they are really hurting but you sound like you understand this, as you said in your last post you're trying to be patient and since you dont know what's happened with your parents this is a good thing to adapt. Remember your are in charge of yor own emotions... you only get messed up if you allow yourself to :), keep reminding yourself of that . What they are both doing at the moment is dwelling on their own emotions and gone into a depressive mode. They will come out of this eventually, and they will eventually have to face whats going on between then and make some decissions. I know it feels like it going to go on forever but it won't something will shift, I promise.

Im not surprised you were shaken by today but you now know to things 1. They have been communicating and 2. The house move could get things moving. When thing are bad its really hard to do this but try to turn some things into a positive. There is a lot of change when parents split up/get divorced and most of the times its out of hands in the children's case, moving house/going between two houses come with it.

Your brother just keep an eye on him, he sounds clever and seems to know what hes doing but im guessing hes also not coping, when kids act out like this they are normally screaming for help inside, your not resposible for him your parents are, you said he lets down his barriers on a rare occassion and he talks to you lookout for opportunities. tryi talking to him from time to him even if he bats you away, just keep letting him know your there but do raise any real concerns with you're parents. Your sister, some children can be very adaptable /accepting, it sounds like she following her older sister, she ma want to talk/get reassuance from you at some point. Are you close with her?

You've got the right attitude, even though youve had a horrible shock today but go brush your self down, try to have a relaxing evening, look after your self (pamper yourself) and go out with this guy tomorrow and have fun, you need something good in your life. Don't question if being in a relationship is the right thing or not, life does still go on, so try to keep this guy and your parents separate in you mind.

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 16 2016 at 10:33
Member since: 08 September 2016
Mia-grace28. Whilst I have the time, I just want to say thank you so much for your reply. I'm great full to anyone who takes the time to read my lengthy problems and reply. I'm so pleased I read this before today, otherwise I would be dwelling on things on my date and that would not of been good. As I wouldnt of been be self even though he's kind of aware.

You really have put things into prospective for me! And given me some ways to deal with this. I'm not exspecying thing to become any easier but I will wait for something to shift like you said.

I get on really well with my sister, I think She's the one with the positive attitude rather then me sometimes. She didn't react too well to the house move though, she worried about moving school, potentially moving to a new area it has rocked her a bit. My mum doesn't know where because the area we live in is quite exspensive.

You're right change is going to come along with this I guess moving house is one of them...I'm sure there will be many more changes.

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 16 2016 at 15:08
Member since: 27 December 2013
you seem like a very bright, articulate girl.

How about saying to mom, "Can we sit down and have a family meeting? All this stuff and me and (brother) feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us. Plus, now the house is up for sale. We need to know what's going on.' Bring in a another adult, like a pastor or counselor, if needed.

How old are you kids?

PS It takes some time to put a house up for sale, so this has been in the works for quite a while.

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 16 2016 at 18:14
Member since: 15 October 2016
No problem, pleased to of put things into prospective for you, but you do come across very grounded. I hope your date went well today with this guy and you were able to be yourself.

I completely agree with whats been said above, is there not a family member or someone who can come to your house and you can all talk about this? If other family members know whats going on they will keep nudging your parents to be honest with you guys? Maybe you could even invite a family member round to either parents houses, and be like 'right we need to talk!' Get your brother and sister in on this too but I think you need to use this person as a medator. It will be quite hard for them to back out of and they can't be angry at you really, as they have not given you much of a choice. I'm sure a family member would stick up for you.

It takes time to sell a house too, I'm not sure what the housing market is like at the moment....or if your in the uk, but I brought house not so long ago and thinking about it, looking around different areas, deciding where and getting everything sorted, took a good year before we got the keys, and that was without complications!

Mia

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 16 2016 at 21:43
Member since: 08 September 2016
Thank you for replies.

The date was great thanks, I think I have a bf now which feels good, were taking thing slow. Today was so much better compared to yesterday just getting away from my family home, from the crap atmosphere, was a good thing to do.

I'm 18 and my brother is 13 and sister 11. Considering I'm seen as an technically adult, I don't feel like I'm being treated like one by my parents. It's so frustrating, I feel like they don't trust me.

I have an aunt who is my mums sister, she lives quite far away and she has early Parkinson's so it's quite hard for her to get around, she gets tired easily. I have thought about talking to her about this, I'll find time to do this next week and see what she surgests. My mum goes to stay with her at the weekends sometimes but I don't know if she's said anything to her about my dad or moving house. I know she would support us and will want to know what's going on if she has no idea. Both My grandparents aren't around anymore but I know all 4 of them would be sorting this out if they were.

The only problem is if we were to have a family meeting I know my brother will get really angry, really quickly and he takes over. He just sees red. when I confronted my mum over putting the house on the market yesterday, my brother started getting angry, then started shouting and gets upset so all the attention goes to him very quickly and he broke some China plates that meant a lot to my mum, so she was upset with him for that and by the end of it nothing gets solved and I don't know why I even bother. I'm wondering if he should even be there? He has a right to I guess ...but talking to him and telling him not to get angry does not work! what do you all think?

I can't quite believe this...
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 17 2016 at 09:57
Member since: 15 October 2016
Great news about the date!

See what your aunt says, could you go to her? Even if its just you and your mum...but I would talk to your brother and sister and also give them the option to go. I do think both parents need to be there but I understand thats probably not possible.

Hmmm. Yes your brother has a right to be there, it's his parents but at the same time he should not be this disruptive and breaking other peoples things! He should respect other people pocessions and his own too. It's unfair on you, because I can only imagine it leaves you both feeling like you haven't been heard.It sounds like he has trouble controlling his anger. I can empathise, but I think he needs to learn how to control his anger. your parents don't want this going into adulthood.

Getting writing him write his emotions down (I know it might be challenaging!) helps. often kids dont understand why they get so angry and it help the parents too. Punching a pillow or something soft, excerise. even if he needs to leave the room and calm down that will then let you have a say. try to get your parents to help him be proactive and he'll figure out what works best for him.

Mia x

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