RSS Feed

What Was I Suposed To Do?

Posted by
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 17 2016 at 12:51
Member since: 15 October 2016
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category I wrote on here before the weekend about my fiance telling me he has a child (my last post - not sure how to feel about this) he didnt know about with a past gf - who is very unwell.

So yesterday we went and met them. It was a bit awkward, but the little girl who is so sweet, took over and entertainted us. She was very polite, playful, chatty and open, well awear of whats going on with her mum.

It was all going ok till we sat down for some lunch where my partners ex started making demands. Now I understand she's perfectly within her right as to she what she wants, how she want to daughter to be brought up, which is actually in a very strict way. I understand she's unwell and possibly angry she not going to be around to see her little girl grow up and shes angry with the fact that we do. But it was the way she delieved it and her attitude - she was so rude and I've never meet anyone so demanding. Yes she needs to learn to trust us but we are not idiots or horrible people and we are very willing to look after her little girl.

Firstly my partners parents brought the little girl a few presents, naturally when want to spoil her after 6 years of not knowing about her. When they were opened my partners ex said abruptly 'she's already got those, so you may as well ake them back'. She then went onto say she didn't know why they came because it was all too much for her daughter, who at the time was sitting on my mother in laws lap, excited by all the presents. Not a child in distress! My in laws could have been really angry with her for not mentioning that they had a grandchild, but they choose to forget that fact and be nice towards her. So they were offended and I could tell they were biting their tounges.

Then she started questioning me about my job, when will I be finishing my phd - she seemed annoyed I still have two years to go! Normally I'm quite open about what I do and I don't mind helping people at all, but then she started demanding I set up some counselling sessions for her daughter and who was the best copunsellor I knew, questioning why i couldn't counsel her...er slighlty unethical, if she going to be living with us and I'll be seen as her step parent! she didnt seem to get why and she wasn't asking poiletly about it, she was telling me.

she then started saying we were to have her daughter every other weekend. We have some plans in a copuple of weeks, my sisiters wedding and birthday party and she was like 'well cancel them or take her with you!'. I cant exactly not go to either! Then she started talking about money and us fincally helping her (fine) but then she also said my inlaws were to help too. And since im a student I can pick her daughter up from school.

And to finish off she insulted my partner by telling him he would of been usless in the beginning of their daughters life with changing nappies, and no sleep etc... He's perfectly capable.

By this point I had enough and no one was sticking up for them selves, so I sent my inlaws, off with the little girl and I told my partners ex there was no need for her to behave like this or talk to us the way she was and that my in laws had every right to be there as much as we did. We would of course have her daughter to stay with us but we would not be changing our future plans and were not going to jump when she demands. My fiance was practically kicking me under the table by this point and giving me a look but I didnt care and I dont think anyone has ever confronted her before because she looked quite stuned but didnt applogise. Her boyfriend who seems nice, actually backed me up and also told her shes was being unreasonable. it ended seconds after that because she called him serval names got up and left!

When we got home me and my fiance had a massive row about all of this, he doesnt think I should of said anything because it's hard enough as it is and im making it even more stressfull. He then brought up the fact this must be because I was pregnant so it must be something to do with that, I must be jelous...I have asked him not to bring this up but he keeps doing it. I wasn't horrible towards his ex, I didnt shout at her or raise my voice, and her boyfriend agreed with me. I don't understand his problem. If it was because she was unwell its still not acceptable because that would mean everyone who is sick could say and do what they like. Anyway he went and slept in our spare room, he always does this when we argue because he knows that upsets me too and then just left for work this morning without saying a word. I'm actually thinking of going to my sisters for the evening!

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 17 2016 at 18:07
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia.

I've read both of your posts and honestly think you've handled this situation very well and acted very responsible.

I can't imagine how difficult it was for you finding out your partner had a child neither of you knew about, especially after you suffering a loss with you own baby. It's a very difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry to hear that you had your life ahead of you and had everything planned out and for now the entire dynamic has changed for you, it must be so much to deal with.

What I don't like is your partner trying to say your reaction is because your jealous and it's down to your emotions and resentment of losing your baby, that is very unfair. Whether anyone lost a baby or not this is a very difficult situation to find youself in, your future husband has fathered a child neither of you knew about and it turns out the child was conceived when you were in the early stages of dating, in sorry but that's a horrible thing to find out when you're looking forward to a future together.

I have read over what you've said about the ex and I have to agree with you fully, whilst I sympathise the mother is terminally ill that does not mean she can go around making demands and trying to make things difficult. Whether she's Ill or not, she kept this from the father for years and rather than be angry about it he's accepted it and is doing his best to accommodate her even though she kept his daughter from him.

For her to suggest you counsel her daughter is ludicrous, it would defeat the purpose as you'd be known to her and it would be unprofessional on your part, so you were right stand your ground on that.

I understand she maybe has a routine and wants her daughter to stick to it as much as possible after she's gone but she should've thought about that when she had a child and decided not to tell the father, she can't just come in and have it her way or no way, you both have a life and your own routines.

I think how she acted over the gifts was very rude, even if the little girl did have them already, so what, they weren't to as she kept them from being grandparents, so she should've smiled and been polite and not been so ungrateful, by doing so she in turn is teaching the child to be ungrateful.

If her partner agreed with you then he must think she acted unfairly. I think that by your partner getting mad with you is wrong but he's probably not thinking rationally as all this is a lot to take in and he maybe doesn't want to cause any upset as he's just so overwhelmed he has a child, and he maybe thinks as the ex is dying everyone should walk on eggshells around her. Which I don't agree with, I think if she's wrong and it's making you uncomfable then he needs to respect that and show you some loyalty.

My husband has a child to someone else and she makes demands and tries to dictate to him and he always just accepted it as he didn't want it to get in between the relationships with his child but by doing that it was causing problems in our relationship, looks like that's what's happening with you guys. In the end my hubbie realised he needed to stand up to her and now things are a lot easier, I hope that happens with you guys.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and hope it all works out.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 18 2016 at 15:35
Member since: 15 October 2016
Hey Jackdor (again!),

Thanks for the lovely message. I completely agree with you on everything, I just had to write about it because i couldnt quite believe how this girl was acting.

You're completely right about the present thing, when parents are rude about gifts or anything really in front of their children, it does teach children to be ungrateful, they copy their parents and I can't help but think shes knows this and is usuing it to her advantage. Part of me just wants to sit down and just talk propperly so therefore its all cleared up and she does have to worry and come across so hostile? It could turn into a counselling type talk, if she lets her guard down ...again it would be unethical...so maybe not. But were all on a learning curve and Im not going to make promises or say im going to do things that i might be able to stick to, like you said my fiancé and i have our own lives, routines and kids do adapt and often quite happy to follow. Am I right ?

My fiancé did come home last night with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine, and applogised along with a whole speach about how hes not going to let his ex talk like that to us or his parent's again and hes just getting his head around things - i know hell stand up to her, he doesnt normally let people be nasty and i guess there's their past relationship and he feels sorry for her and his child but also angry at the same time . Very mixed emotions. He also promised never to bring up the pregnancy unless I choose to talk about it. So he's forgiven.

I guess there will be nice and hard times ahead, l wasn't looking forward to my mum finding out this news partly because she was very against my pregnancy and said and caused all sort of trouble for us and then she couldnt of cared less when I miscarried, she was almost pleased and refused to listen to me when I tried to talk to her about it. Today I got a text message from her saying 'what does your sister mean you're going to be a step mother?!", I had to laugh, i dont care that my sister told her, knowing her she wouldnt of said it on purpose, but what happened to calling people and speaking to them rationally? Not to mention the fact that she won't take responsibility for being so uncaring. I deleted it and will wait for her to ask me propperly but at the same time i going to decide if i want to speak to her.

I supose the nice times will be geting to know Amallie (I think I spelt that right) . She told my fiancé she wants to see our house and hes keen on doing up one of the spare room for her and letting her have a say/design it , it feels so weird that one of our spare room will soon be occupied by a six year old. But i guess it will be a good bonding thing for them to do, so I think that will be happning soon! Shes also asking if she can have a pet??? Mothers influence? I don't know...

Anyways I've gone on a bit!

thanks again mia

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 18 2016 at 16:55
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi again Mia :)

I'm so glad that your fiancé has realised how difficult this is for you and is being more understanding. It's a very complex situation and I'm sure he's feeling so many did different emotions and it's affecting him and how sees things. It's good that he's going to say to her about showing respect you and his parents, whether she's dying or not it is no excuse for disrespect. I get that she must be in such a bad place right now but she isn't helping the situation by creating problems.

And you're right kids often just fit in the their surroundings and there is no way you should miss your sisters wedding due to this, she has a cheek to even suggest that.

I think your showing remarkable strength in how you are dealing with this, I'm sure if I was faced with this I wouldn't be so strong or understanding.

How can your mum deal with this via a text, surely the right thing to do would be to pick up the phone and discuss it with you, or arrange to come over to talk about it and help you through it. It's horrible that she's acting that way about your miscarriage, she should be there to support you and make sure you're going to get through it with as much help and support as you need.

I wouldn't rush into getting a pet, especially as you've just basically been landed with a daughter without any preparation, you will both need time to adjust to that let alone adding a pet to the mix. So don't give in to that, tell the mother you need time to adapt to having a daughter.

Otherwise a little goldfish is a low maintenance pet lol.

It's nice that she is starting to talk about her room and picturing herself living with you guys. But part of me would also find that irritating, as I'm sure you wanted the first room you decorated for a child to be your own flesh and blood.

I sympathise with you so much as this is a very difficult situation to find youself in.

I hope it all works out and you and the little girl hit it off and develop a bond to make things easier on you.

Xx

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 18 2016 at 21:39
Member since: 08 September 2016
Aw Mia I think this is so sad but you seem so positive. I actually think this little girl will be very lucky to have you ( and her dad). her mum should just be thankful rather then difficult and plant things in her childs head (like a pet) and know and be reassured that someone with counselling experience (is that right?) is going to be there for her daughter, no matter how unethical it is! I sympathise she but I hope she acts better towards you all.

I don't quite understand how a mum could react like that to her daughter being pregnant then miscarried more so when she's been obviously been pregnant herself? I have know ideawhat either,( I'm still in school) would be like but I guess both being pregnant and a miscarriage isn't easy.

Do you when you mum starts to talk to you in the right way, that having your partners child help help your relationship with her? Or is it more complicated then that.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 19 2016 at 15:59
Member since: 15 October 2016
@lily31 thank you :). Yeah I counsel a couple of children in the week at a uni work placement then go to uni the rest of the time. Good point about whether having amaillie (I dont still dont if im spelling this, right i need to look it up, it sounds way prettier then it looks!) around will help build up a relaiotnship, i dont know if my mum has the right sort of skills or what she thinks ... I don't think so, my mum is very self obesssed, it will be all about her and her feelings, its called a narcissist personality disorder ... I'm nearly qualified enough to diagnose her! Lol.

Jackdor - a gold fish wil do! I'm not really a small animal person, I only like dogs, but we're not getting one! I dont think i'd be very good at teaching a child how to look after a fury friend anyway :/. My friend did leave me with her pet guinea about three years ago whilst she went travelling, shes come back and never came back to get it, think shes forgotten. In the end my sister recused from me, and it lives at her place now ..its still alive- maybe we could go and visit it.

Yeah it is kind of upsetting that its not my child and we are decorating this room for and i think im just going to stay away and let them get on with but be welcoming at the same time.

Today Amaillie's mum is demanding money for her daughter, on top of everything. Already? For what, I dont know? I would love to be enlightened! I dont know if i'm being weird about this because i'm stressed today, i have no idea if that's right or wrong or how much you give, and as long it its worth while and only on amaillie and not her mum spending it on anything, god that sounds awful . But we will be spending money on her when shes with us, we're getting a room ready etc? I reminded my rob to remind her we have a house and mortgage to pay, on one and a half salary!

Rant over :( Mia

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 19 2016 at 16:49
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia,

I'm the same, only like dogs. I have one and he is more demanding than my children lol.

I can relate to the ex demanding money, my husbands ex gets 500 pounds per month of us and still makes demands for things, like last Christmas for example she sent us a list of stuff she wanted us to get the child for Christmas, and not one but two iPads were there, what child needs two iPads? okay one was a regular iPad one was one of the slimmer versions but still, two!

I suppose she might need money as she's not fit for work and needs financial support for her daughter. But even then she still has to take in your circumstances and that she can't go around making demands.

I can understand why decorating the room might upset you but just remember that when you and your partner eventually are decorating a room for the child you have together that that's the child he choose to have and you are who he choose to have it with, so it's his first child by choice, not a child he didn't plan with someone he never had any intentions of having a child either and that's what you should try and remember when things get difficult.

You do seem to be coping well under the circumstances, if it were me I would not be doing so well lol.

I sympathise with you regarding your mother, that must be so difficult. Is she not easy to talk to or approach about how she makes you feel?

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 19 2016 at 21:30
Member since: 27 December 2013
I would suggest that you watch how your fiance handles this pushy, unreasonable, extortioner who is using a child as a bargaining chip for any future relationship.

I guess I would have slowed things down. They really have moved too fast. I would invite the child for day trips for father and child to get to know each other, first him alone with her, then including you. The overnights can wait for a while.

This woman sounds unstable. She is clearly using the child to get what she thinks she's due.

I would not give her one dime, either.

Perhaps bring in a professional counselor to help you two "blend" this child into your life.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 20 2016 at 14:29
Member since: 08 September 2016
This is moving really quick, Mia, it wasnt that long ago you posted about this, this mum is being really pushy. I think you both need to get used to a child first, rather then a pet and child.

I've been put off smaller animals ever since I had a pet rabbit who was really evil, he would just attack and bite me if I tried to feed or pet him! Guienia pigs are cute, my little sister used to have two until they escaped and the next door neighbours cat attacked them, we only have one neighbour. It wasn't nice to see them lifeless on my the grass. My sister was really angry and upset and went and knocked our neighbours door and told them what their cat did lol. I was so embarrassed but I felt like I had to go with her incase they were not so nice about it. But the neighbours were really nice about it and offered to replace them. But my parents told them thanks but no thanks! My sister was clareless enough to let them escape and It's nature it happens !

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 20 2016 at 19:57
Member since: 15 October 2016
Jack - 2 i pads?!! That's crazy, but I guess if you didn't get them for the your husbands child you would of been made to feel bad. I'm not too sure about letting kids have ipads little one more, i think interacting with kids is a better. I was sitting in a cafe yesterday and there was a mum and child who was around 4 and he was playing a game or something on her iphone and when the mum tried to take the phone off him he had a massive melt down and start bashing the phone phone on the floor lol...i was just holding my breath whilst the mum tried to stay calm, not too sure I would of done as well as she did...I love people watching, discreetly I might add!

No my mum has never been an approachable person or someone I felt like I can go to and talk to. Shes not a very emotional person with me (or my sister) or someone who could look at what they have done and hold their hands up an applogise, that would be quite hard for her, where as I could. She's hard work and quiet hard nosed and cold.

Yes things are going way too fast and I agree with trying to slow them down. Today I can't help but feel like I've been slightly cheated on by my fiancé...even though we weren't propperly together, we were good friends...and he went and slept with his ex, I'm really struggling with this if I'm honest. If I raise this with him it won't end well and I don't really know what I want him to say or do because he can't turn back time. I think I would of just liked him to be more honest with me to start with. But hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I will be be taking a step back and let my partner and daughter bond and get to know one another and no there wont be any over night stays at the moment. What i would like is for the ex to back off, quite a lot and just realise that this is a lot for us to take on. Appreantly she need money for winter clothes coast and shoes etc, she did work but is obviously now signed off work so I can see why it just felt way too soon for her to be demanding money.

lily - that another reason why im not keen too keen on fury animals in case their 'evil' like you rabbit. Your sister seem confident! It is good to lost them act on emotions though ...in the right manner.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 21 2016 at 01:10
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hey Mia,

Yeah, two iPads, what the hell lol he showed me this list and I flat out refused, I said allowing a child to have two things that do the exact same thing is just allowing a child to be demanding and greedy. Although saying that we think that one of the iPads was for the other kids and she just wanted us to buy it. We give her a lot of money per month for one child which is more than enough so she was told to get them herself.

I'm a people watcher too, and all I see is little kids on their phones and tablets, absolutely no interaction with anyone unless it's in the virtual sense. It's really sad

I really feel for you having a mother that you can't approach, that's must've been so hard on you growing up. Are you close with your sister, could you talk to her and get some support from her? It is good that you haven't turned out like your mother, you seem quite understanding and reasonable.

I get that you would feel like that, I would be feeling that way too. If you weren't exclusive though he wasn't really cheating but in my opinion and most females I know wouldn't be happy if a guy they were dating casually went and slept with an ex but I think guys see things totally differently than us at times. Its hard I know, but try to think of who he is now and what you both have together. Everyone is young and careless at some point. I'm sure he never intended on hurting you. But you should be able to discuss this with him, it might not be an easy conversation and may get heated but if it's what you're feeling it's best to let him know.

Let them bond, that's rhe best thing to do. But she should be backing off, she seems way too pushy and controlling. It would be driving me insane, how can she just come on the scene and make demands left right and centre?

If that's the case why doesn't your partner offer to buy the stuff for her, that way he wouldn't be handing over any money. And I find it a down right cheek that she's asking for this now, she robs her child of a loving dad and the dad doesn't know he has a child and now she's been on the scene two minutes and acting like she rules the roost.

Did she ever give any valid reason as to why she kept this form your partner? I think that is so wrong of any woman to do that, unless the father is a risk to the child but in your circumstance that's not the case. It's so unfair.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 21 2016 at 12:24
Member since: 15 October 2016
Hi Jack,

Good for you for refusing to buy two, I would of done the same - some people do really like to try it on! I think it would of been for her other children to use, kids fight/throw tanrums over iPads - as witnessed! What happened to teaching kids how to share? I think that would annoy me, if I knew that money would be spend on another persons child and not my own, but its not like you can stop that from happening. I did think £500 was a lot of money for just one child, so if she wanted two ipads, she should of saved!

Thank you for putting things into prespective for me re my partner and ex, that really helped. You're right, I think men do think differently from us, which is why they do weird things sometimes lol. Yesterdey I wasn't really thinking straight because I'm seeing my mum tonight and I haven't been sleeping! This is how much she gets to me. She's demanding to know about Amaillie and won't stop calling my partner. I know its not got going to be a pleasant expereince and she's just going be rude and unhelpful about the whole thing - all she wants in the information. She also could potentially turn my fiancé against her, she's not his biggest fan but as always remained nice and polite to her. I really really don't want to go, there is a scared inner child in me and Rob is big enough and pretty enough (I don't like the word ugly ha) to go by himself, but if I don't, the first thing shell ask is 'where is mia?' And that could make her more irate, and I feel like I have to defend him. I have to see her in three weeks at my sisters wedding and amaillie is coming now too, so i have to face her at some point. Part of me would of loved to of seen her face as we walked into the venue with a six year old.

I am really close with my sister, we live just down the road from each other, and we always go to each other with anything but she does bow down to our mum. I'm trying to tell her she doesnt have to but she more anxious and fearful then me and try's to play the 'good daughter' only to get knocked down again. I'm kind of waiting for something to switch on inside her brain an realise she doesnt have to do as shes told anymore. In a way we've had to defend and look after one another from our happy-smacking-mother and her viper tounge. I think that the reason why my mum treats us so differently from our half sister is that we remind her of an unhappy marriage with my dad, we both also look a lot like him too, and people have always commented on that and thank god are a like him in personalty.... so growing up i've always been told 'you're just like your father!" In not a nice way. I have tried to talk to her this in the past, to try and get her to look at herself but she got angry and told me to stop over analysing her. At the moment my sister is really stressed out with the wedding, not helped by my mum whos been such a cow throught out the whole thing, its been more my sister coming to me to rant about our mum at the moment, so I try not to put too much on her. God knows what shes going to be like on the day.

I do also have my future mother in law who i think is quite fascinated by my mum and her behaviour!

I think the ex has 'issues' at the time, which was nothing to do with Rob. I dont know what kind of issues but to me it would of made sense to get the dad involved? But who knows mentally where she was. I think they have had a few talks/ heated discussions which I will stay well out of. He's now getting over the shock...next stage anger...help :/ . I think rob and amaillie should go shopping over the weekend rather then give her money, I think thats a good idea!

Really nice talking to you :D,

Mia

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 21 2016 at 19:26
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia,

Are you feeling any better today? I'm glad that you aren't feeling as bad as you were over your fiancé, it was a long time ago and it's who he is now that really matters.

Your mum sounds like such a difficult person to be around, I really don't know what to say about it because she just sounds as if she is set in her ways and there's no changing her. It's sad that she acts the way she does, it sounds borderline cruel if I'm honest. If she was genuinely concerned she would be over to see you making sure you're alright and offering you support after getting such as shock, not calling up and demanding answers.

Why does she have an issue with Rob when by the sounds of things he's nothing but nice, she seems so unreasonable and awkward.

That's great that you have your sister. Sounds like she tries to walk on eggshells around your mum, afraid to upset her. Has your mum always been this way? I just don't understand how a mother could act that way to her children.

Amelie's going to the wedding WTF! Sorry for the wtf but that's just not on, that's your sisters big day and some of the focus is going to be on who's the kid and then people might gossip "oh that's his kid to an ex he just found out about." I think it's way too soon to be bringing her to such a publicised family event, I mean you haven't had enough time to fully adjust to it so you shouldn't have to bring her along to your sisters wedding. I don't know, I kind of don't think she's had enough time to blend into the family and so on. Her mum seems very pushy.

Yeah, suggest he buys her the stuff. She's a cheek asking for money so late in the game after she denied him access for all them years. I do understand she maybe suffers from mental illnesses but even so that's no excuse for depriving her child of a father.

I hope everything goes okay with you mum tonight xx

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 23 2016 at 00:30
Member since: 15 October 2016
Hi Jack,

Yes feeling better thanks, the last few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster!

Re amelie and the wedding: Exactly wtf?! When Rob told me on Thursdays night, I had no sleep for two nights and didn't really take it in, until the next morning and began to feel uncomfortable able about it. You're right people will gossip. The ex had texted Rob saying we had to have Amelie, her boyfriend was taking her away that weekend as a treat because she was going to hospital for treatment the following week. I think it played on his heart strings. So he went and talk to my sister about it and between them and there frazzled stressed out brains they decided this was ok! Kind of wish thy waited for my bro-in-law and me , before they reached this conclusion! I told Rob i wasnt happy about it and to my surprise he addmitted he was too. Its really not convientent, we're staying at the venue and shes going to get tired and were going to want to enjoy ourselves. SO we decided to talk to the ex which i wasnt looking forward to doing!

Today she really pushed my buttons! Normally i'm very level tempered and it takes a lot for something to make me angry, but she suceeded! She and amelie turned Up an hour early then arranged. I was on my way out and when i came back, 30 minutes later she was stil in the house! I though rob was probably waiting for me so we could talk to her. They were upstairs when I came in and thats when i heard her say "go on then amelie, tell rob which bedroom you want, you have two to choose from". I was fuming! One of those bedroom is half decorated with a few baby bit i brought that i havent been able to tackle yet and that was enough for me i had to talk to her. SO I waited for them to come down stair and I followed her out side where i asked if i could talk to her. She was fairly approachable. I mentioned thed wedding and how it wasnt convientant and was there anyone who could have amelie. After a whole speech on amelie never going to a wedding and how she at that age where she'd really enjoy it and finally admitted her parents were around! How are we meant to trust what she says when she not trutherful?

I think asked her to back off (i put it more nicely then this) saying that we really needed head speach, mainly rob and her demands were not on. She got really defensive and really emotional, which i thought might happen, and asked how i thought she felt? She just wants amelia settled and happy. I did sympathise but i did say it will take time for us all to trust one another. I would like for us to try and get along and i did tell her that, but shes not making it easy! Apart form that little incident we had a really nice time with amelie she a sweetie! Very inquizative and asks lots questions she had rob googling all sorts of thing to answer her questions. Its was really nice seeing the father daughter bond forming :) still really strange though.

Yes my mum has always been like this right from when i was little she was never nice, maybe on birthdays but it was really mood dependant! It went exactly how I thought it would, she disgusted by the whole thing, and we are not to expect her to give us anything or look after amelie ever, fine by me! I didn't say much, I let Rob do all the talking. We went out for dinner after to recover lol.

Her and Rob don't see eye to because he doesn't like how I was brought up he comes from a family where they don't shout, at all so its quite alien to him. Also when I was pregnant we went round and told her the first thing she did was hit me on my arm, weird women, and she went on about how irresponsible we were and what about our jobs and uni an what was she meant to tell her family? Rob stood up to her and told her not to lay a finger on me again. She's basically demonised us since but he is good he will deal with her if she contact him and try stay civil, no matter how horrible or unreasonable she is. She doesn't like my sister fiancé either because hes also tried to stand up to her and failed lol. I wish I had a nice mum, but I'm slowly accepting I don't and probably never will.

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 23 2016 at 10:34
Member since: 08 September 2016
Mia, Amelie must of felt relaxed with you and Rob for her to feel like she could ask things. That's so cute, what was she asking about?

Her mum diffinately needed to be spoken to! I think you'll be able to tell if you got through to her by how she acts with you from now on. Like, did she pick Amelie up on time?

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 23 2016 at 12:29
Member since: 08 September 2016
P.s sorry to ask guys and to post this here, but could you do me a huge favour and please give me your opinions on my current post? ' What have I done wrong'?'

Really don't know what to do or what I have done wrong! Thank you so much x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Oct 24 2016 at 02:04
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia

I really don't know how you're managing to stay so level headed in all of this, it would be driving me crazy. Of course she's going to get tired and you two will have to got up to the room with her and miss the best part of the evening. The ex is sounding to me to be quite manipulative, she is saying things just to get her way. What did she do when she fancied some alone time with her partner before....surely there was someone to look after Amelie then, I mean she didn't have a dad for six years so her mother must of had others to help and could probably get them to help for the wedding but is just being awkward.

NO WAY! That's shocking, that's a room you picked for your baby and already have made your own little stamp on it, it should remain the room for your baby! Amelie should just sleep in the other room. When you do have a baby it should be in the room of your preference, not the ex or a six year old. I think the ex is moving way too fast and taking advantage.

It's great that you have rob as a support network when tackling your mum as facing her alone would be so draining. She sounds like such hard work.

Do you actually get anything out of your relationship with her? Has she any positive points? Because sometimes I've found in life when people have a negative impact on me and are draining to be around I function better by just cutting them out of my life for a while.

X

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 24 2016 at 20:38
Member since: 15 October 2016
Hi Jack,

Think the only reason why I'm remaining calm and level headed is because I get support at uni too, I have to talk to my mentor/ go to counselling, so I know what its like to be counselled and incase anything comes up for me when I counsel the kiddies. It usually all comes out then. If one of the kids come in and tell me their mum is pregnant or they don't have a nice parent like me...I could (not saying I would) react to that and not be professional or throw things a little. I also have to talk to parents too sometimes and in some cases not react to them!

It also helps to come on here and get things off my chest get others opinions, so I know I'm not being stupid, but then also answer other people problems makes me feel better too :). When your going through shitty things its always good to help your self in some way, I think.

I was so annoyed and a bit upset about what shes said about the rooms, which is why i had to say something again, I think this might become a regular accurance! Lol. Rob did actually say quite firmly there and then that amelie didnt actually get a choice in the room matter, so that put her in her place. And she should of not been upstairs in our house, I dont mind amelie so much, that felt like a total invasion of privacy.

Hmm no I don't really get anything from my mum er...positives (i actually just had to think about this for five minutes!) she is very generous with birthdays and at christmas, as in she will buy my sister and I really nice, exspensive, thoughtful gifts and we might exchange a civil conversation by phone or text but thats about it. I don't know if thats her way of saying sorry and I love you???? Who knows!

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 24 2016 at 21:27
Member since: 15 October 2016
Lily - she was picked up 20 minutes late, what does that tell you? She was in the car but the her bf came to the door. H did ask wh the ex came home upset and i told him why and he was like and he was understanding and applogised (again)! He clearly knows whats shes like!

They covered lots of topics, animal mainly, halloween, more randomly the solar system, planets and she likes marvel too. Her and rob are very similar as in they both have very scientific minds. Yeah shes cute but I am waiting for her to start trying to push the boundaries, like all kids do!

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Oct 24 2016 at 23:08
Member since: 08 September 2016
It tells me she a manipulative pain in the arse! :-D

I didn't want to be too mean because I know she's really unwell, but god she sounds conniving. I bet picking up Amelie late was on purpose, what if you had plans? I think you and Rob need to keep talking to her and keep telling her when she annoys you, till she gets the message. Her bf sounds like the long suffering type by the sound of things.

Does Amelie look like Rob too? Sorry I like asking questions too. L x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Oct 25 2016 at 21:42
Member since: 15 October 2016
Ha, Lily that's certainly one way of describing her. Shes very conniving! You're right though it is hard to be mean and judge how to go about things. when I did speak to her it wasn't done aggressively. I think I need to leave Rob to talk to her now.

Amelie's looks are a mixture of both parents, she's got Robs curly hair, even though you can't tell unless he grew his hair longer ...he'd look very pretty with curls! ;)

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Nov 3 2016 at 01:53
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia,

That's great that you can get that help when needed, I've recently just started recieving counselling and it is helping.

You will be good at keeping your cool and staying composed so it will help with your current situation.

That's good that he put his foot down in the bedroom scenario, because it sounds like the "baby mama" is getting too big for her boots and acting like she calls all the shots.

That could be your mothers way of showing love and remorse, otherwise why waste time and money picking out expensive and thoughtful gifts. Maybe she just isn't good with showing affections or emotions, some people really struggle with displaying those feelings.

Xx

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Nov 3 2016 at 07:57
Member since: 15 October 2016
Just as i was nice about my so called mother, I've clearly jinxed things for my sister, reason why I haven't been able to get on here much. My mum has now managed to throw another hissing fit over something stupid. How she doesn't find this exhausting I don't know. She is now refusing to come to my sisters wedding *bangs head against brick wall*. When my sister told me, in my head i was jumping for joy, but my sister was in floods of tears going so I could express my happiness lol. My sisters words were "I know I said I would never be a bridezillar BUT I WANT MY MOTHER THERE AND I WANT HER TO BE NICE TO ME". Ok. I did try to tell her that it might be a better expereince without her? But she's not listening and thinks she won't be able to walk down the ilse without her there. Wtf do I do? Rob and Tim Think we should disown her but its really not that easy. I've got to try and find the courage to speak to my mum should be interesting.

Rob is now looking at us getting married far far far away lol.

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
JACKDOR
on Nov 3 2016 at 12:59
Member since: 16 October 2016
Hi Mia,

Oh no, that's so bad! Your mum is behaving like such an ass! I can understand your sister wanting her there (even if she is a pain) i would say your mum maybe needs help, she maybe could use some counselling because the way she bahaves is very odd, so maybe she has some issues of her own she needs help with.

I hope it works out for your sister, and I hope you all have a lovely day.

Xx

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Nov 3 2016 at 18:55
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hi Mia,

Every time you write something about your mum, I'm like 'wow, really?". Not questioning it, but why is she being so mean! :( Do you know what actually happened? Do you think she could changed her mind and this is just an attention thing? She sounds like she's a very 'me, me, me' who doesn't like other people getting attention. when is the wedding btw?

I agree with Jackdor, she clearly has demons that she needs to tackle with a counsellor, her behaviour and how she treats you both is not normal.

If you gotta talk to her, Id take your sister with you its between them.

I'd go abroad, some people think it's selfish but I say do what you want to do. Vegas ? :D

L x

P.s hope Amelie's mum has backed off.

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
MIA-GRACE28
on Nov 3 2016 at 20:25
Member since: 15 October 2016
Hi

Sorry that was a bit of a rushed post this morning, I almost sounded hysterical!

Lily you're right she a complete and utter narcissist, its all about her, probably why she keeps childish throwing tanrums because she can't stand the fact my sister has got all the attention for the last year.

My sister is getting married this Saturday, so my mum litterally dropped the bombshell on her. In my eyes it's totally ridiculous, as always. I can understand, (if you're being picky) just about from a photo prospective, but seriously it's nothing to wound up about. My mum is wearing an ice blue colour, she told my sister ages ago thats the colour shes wearing and its her prerogative as mother-of-the-bride to decide colour she's wearing. I don't know if that made up or not or if it is actually a tradition I've never heard of. She told Ava to tell Tim's mum/family that was the colour she is wearing and Ava said to me she wasn't going to because she didnt feel like she could tell Tims mum what she could and couldn't wear. I did tell her to say to his mum in like a "you know my mum is mental, but she wants you to know this is the colour she wearing' make a bit of a joke about just incase, but no. My mum brought this up the other day with my sister and asked her what colour Tim mum was wearing and Ava told her is was a blue almost purple, she threw a hissy fit and said she wasn't coming!

I did take my sister with me to talk to our mum today! I had to shove her in my car and drove her there and I was just a mediator. I didn't to go want to go and say something wrong and my sister be like 'why did you say that', no, this was between them! Think she's coming now but not 100% certain.

Lol, No Lily not Vegas been tempting sometimes but no :/. When I said far, far, far away, litterally other side of the world - New Zealand. Rob's a Kiwi, but his family emergrated to the UK when he was 10. He (obviously) has a lot family out there who wouldn't be able to come and my dad lives in Australia. We also met whilst travelling out there, so we decided that since my mum has been such a pain in the arse, we will concentrate on my dad and Rob's family. I think now its going to be sooner rather then later. Yeah, its selfish but under the circumstance...

Jack! That's great your getting counselling, I hope its helps and your counsellor is nice :) (this meant in a non patronising way) just look after yourself it can be tough and things/emotions can spring up when you least expect them too, you can go in completely fine . Let me updated if you want to. I hate going myself.

I've told my mum shes needs therapy but she just laughed at me. People like her don't get it, its very rare you'll get someone like her to go. She did ask me once why did I want to study child psychology and why did I want to help other peoples horrible children? A counselor would have an absolute field day with her but she wouldn't last a second and would walk out.

So far Amelie's mum has actually backed off!

Mia x

What was I suposed to do?
Reply from
LILY31
on Nov 5 2016 at 22:16
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hi Mia,

Good, I thought you were gonna tell us Amelie's mum hadn't and she's continued to be pushy.

Awesome idea to get married in New Zealand, more so if your dad is the nicer, easier parent. would your mum go do you think ?

Hope the wedding was fun! And your mum turned up for your sister and was ok with you all.

L x

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?