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Should I go and see her

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Hi everyone,

SO in a few weeks my not so little sister a getting married, shes 24, I'm so happy and excited for her. What I'm not looking forward to is seeing and spending the day with my mum and neither is my sister. I'm so worried about it, I'm having horribble, vivid dreams about her, some of the dreams end in her accusing me of ruining my sisters wedding and no one is talking to me :( lol. I don't actually think this will happen, it's just not nice. I'm sorry this is so long, but I need to get this off my chest because this is how she affects me and its also been quite an eventful year!

I'm amazed my sister, hasn't uninvited our mum, her husband and their bratty, obnoxious, loud mouth child, my half sister, to the wedding. She's scared that if she does, my mum will then turn her side of the family against her and none of them will come, which I wouldnt put past her for a second- she would love the attention! Our mum has been awful throughout the whole year of planning this wedding and has caused nothing but stress for Ava - she acutally can't wait for it to be over now and go on honeymoon, its been that bad. They're barely talking but Ava insists she wants our mum to be there, which I can understand, but this is Despite, the fact she's been in tears on the phone to me on many occasssions because my mum has been spiteful. She thrown a hissing fit because Ava isn't getting married in a church, and as punishment she took her half of the money away, but firstly allowed Ava booked a venue and buy a wedding dress! - it was also a ploy to get my dad to pay for the whole of her wedding. She brought bridesmaid dresses without consulting, sent bitter emails to my dad and just generally put on a lot of pressure. She also had the nerve to actually ask my sister 'does she really want our dad to come?" ' Why does she want our dad to walk her down the ilse? why not let her husband do it? he been more of a father to her'. She's also told my sister her fiancé 'isn't good enough for her and she doesnt want her to marry him'. All he did was try to stand up to our mum (after she threw another hissy fit about the seating plans ). My answer is don't bloody come...it would do us all a favour...and shes acted like a spoilt child.
I have spent hours with my sister telling her she's doing the right thing, no she shouldn't cancell the wedding, yes our dad should deffinately be there, yes tim is lovely and did nothing wrong (they are besotted with each other) and 'no one will ruin her day...' all because our mum has put doubt into her head about every aspect of this wedding. My sister is quite a shy and anxious person and my mum knows how to get to her. I'm engaged and this has put me off from tying the knot or at least making me think how we're going to go about it!

Bit of back ground - growing up my mum was very, very controlling and strict and wasnt very motherly. Anything my sister and I did wrong her answer was to give us a good slap...it didnt matter where, who we were with, thats what happened...she never talked to us why it was wrong to do what we did and she would remain in a foul mood with us, so we never felt forgiven or able mentally moved on. I know this was a normal way to discipline children when i was little and still happens now, nor were we the only ones, and i'm sure there are worse stories - but we were good, we were too scared to be naughty, and it was never warranted! It was over the smallest things. I remember falling off my bike when I was like 7, and scraped my face against a wal in the processl, i ran back home told my mum and she slapped me across my other cheek and said 'well thats your looks ruined for the rest of your life!" Charming, very self esteem/confidence building...luckily there was no scarring! I'm not' damaged' by this I'm just angry and it rises up inside me every now and then. My sister is more affected by our upbringing, and now to plays 'the good daughter' and still allows herself to be controlled out of fear, where as I'm seen as more 'rebellious' and because I won't bow down to our mum, or do what she says, lol. Anyway, my dad divorced my mum and buggered off to live in Australia, he tried to take my sister and I with him, but it was made very difficult for him and we only saw him once a yr. When I finished school I left home as soon as I could, went travelling around Australia, caught up with my dad, lived with him for a bit and met my fiancé Rob :). When I went to uni my dad paid for everything so I didnt have to communicate with my mum. She claims thats shes baffled why i didnt tell her what i was doing and wonders why we don't have a good relationship but wont loook into the reason. My mum remarried, had my half sister, Kiera who's 12, who she claims she is the perfect child. She treats her completely differently, shes very caring towards her, lets her do what she wants, when she wants and I don't think shes ever laid a finger on her...not that i'd want my half sister to experience what my sister and I did, no matter how much I dislike her. She's so spoilt and acts very disrespectfully...shes going to be a nightmare teenager, good luck to them!

At the end of last year around xmas, I fell pregnant and rob and I told her, the first thing she did was slap my arm?!...it was quite hard! Rob got really angry with her and told her not to never do that again, to which she shouted at him 'I can do what i like' and they had a bit of a row. She then said I was very foolish and irresponsible, I was only 26 (ppl do have kids younger mother!) and how could I possibly look after a child whilst studying? Not to mention that we're not married yet. And that I've potentially ruined my future career. She had never given me a penny towards uni, I dont want her money, she also thinks psychology and counselling is a complete waste of time and has often told me in the past, 'its a very weird thing to study and why not do something useful rather then deal with other peoples horrible children?' Yes...i know....she's a very strange person and slightly unhinged :) but i'lll let her have that opinion because she has no idea what its like or how rewarding it is to help others. She then asked me what did I expect her to tell her side of the family? (Er... that I was pregnant???) and that I didnt realise how disappointed they'd be. she finished off by saying she didnt know how to cope with this news and that shes washed her hands of me and there was no room in her life left for me now! Anyway we left but rob was furious with how she spoke to us so he wrote to her and we didn't hear anything back, which I knew would happen.

Fast forward four months I lost the baby :(, it was quite tramatic. My sister was very supportive and got me through it, along with counselling. She told my mum, saying that she needed to knowand maybe it would help patch things up between us, so I agreed. My mum gets in contact with me and I start tell her about it and she stops me half way through and tells me she had a miscarriage inbetween me and my sister at six weeks and she thought nothing of it...and then was like just get over it and concentrate on your career... thanks mum, really, really great advice. She actually sounded quite delighted, I was so angry with her we ended up rowing and i hung up on and we've not spoken since.

Now something else has cropped up in my life, my fiancé has a little girl (he knew nothing about) from an ex girlfirend (who is unwell) of his, who only informed him of this about this 5 five days ago. Its been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least! Yesterday my mum sent me a text about this...it wasn't a nice one or partically helpful so I deleted it. Then rob came home form work last night and said hes had serval missed calls from my mum and she wants to know whats going on. My response was she can get lost but hes thinks we should speak to her, as we are going to see her in three weeks time and his little girl is now coming with us and he's worried she might cause a scene at the wedding, if we don't talk to her ... I get his reasoning, and told him to sort it out and hes started that processs. Today I just feel so stressed out and axnious by it all, I'm just waiting for him to confirm arrangements, hes made with 'the cowbag' as to when we're going to go and meet her. Part of me wants to go to defend him if she flips out,and is nasty towards him even thought hes big enough to look after himself and he says he doesnt care. I can slowly feel this is all getting too much for me but feel like i have to be strong for my sister and help her with her wedding i have to adjust to a six year old child coming into my life. And on top of all that the miscarriage and my mum and whats shes said and done. DO I really have to go with him and see her? I know she's going to bring up everything. Mia

Should I go and see her

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lol Mia even though you're feeling stressed and not very positive right now, I totally get why, your humour and scarasm in the way you wrote this problem hasn't failed you. Not many people are able to Have a little sense of humour whilst writing about their sad experiences, more so in the topics that you wrote about. I liked "the cowbag" especially :) maybe, I'm just immature!

And without being rude, I agree what a total cowbag! I cant believe any mum would treat their daughters this way. I think weddings bring out a lot of weird emotions in family members espcially ones close to the bride. Just from seeing an older cousin of mine get married,he and his wife are now not talking to her parents, although not as bad as how your mum is behaving with your sister. I think parents/ family members have a lot of expectations, sometimes weird demanding ones, then get angry when their not met? But it was your sisters choice where she choose to get married not your mums I hope she can just put things to one side on the day and enjoy herself.

I don't like the sound of your up bringing at all, even though it's sounds like you escaped and got to travel and see your dad in Australia. Must of been so cool!
I think people are usually one sided about smacking you either agree or you don't. But you have come out the other side, you seem like a really nice, caring person, nothing like your mum! which I think is something to be proud of because you could of gone down that route accepted that's how you were raised and turned out just like her ;). Plus you get the chance you bring up a six yr old child the way you would of liked to of been brought up?

Sorry about miscarriage that's so sad.

Go with Your fiancé, I think, if you don't you still gotta go see her in three weeks time anyway right? and you might be even more anxious when your at your sisters wedding...a day you want to enjoy. Or I just thought! could you avoid your mum? By keeping busy, talking by to people like your dad? It sounds like she won't come near if you stick by him. Play with little girl and keep her amused ? Those kinda things. Are you going o be a bridesmaid? Good luck.

Should I go and see her

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Wow Mia, that is a LOT to deal with! No wonder you are feeling anxious. I don’t have any specific advice for you, I wish I had a clearer idea of what you should do in my head! Are you still seeing a counselor? I would say with all of the changes with the new little girl in your life, your sister’s wedding, and facing your Mom after the last few traumatic experiences it wouldn’t hurt to give your counselor a ring and talk through these things with her. I think that only you can really decide if it is best for you to go with your finance or not, and talking it through with a professional who knows the background might help bring some clarity in your decision.

I’m not sure if you are a person of prayer, but praying to Jesus has brought peace to me on many occasions when peace couldn’t really be found any other way. I’ll pray for peace and clarity for you as you cope with these next few weeks.

Blessings!

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