What have I done wrong?
LILY31 - Oct 23 2016 at 12:24
This is to do with my best friend. We have been best buddies since nursery, and we've always been really close, never really fallen or not that I can remember. Until now lol.
Recently I got with my current boyfriend and her bf dumped her not long after. Awkward! There were very clear signs he wasn't that interested in her anymore, Like going out with his friends more then her, not showing her any affection and when they did go out, he was always really late I'm meeting her, which drove her mad! She could see the signs but she ignored them, hoping she could improve things with him. She started planning a holiday for them to go on next year when we finish school for good, which her bf really wasn't keen on and he made that pretty obvious. My friends and I tried to tell her this was not a good idea but she didn't listen. In the end my boyfriend tom who is good his friends with her bf, had a word and told him he needed to be honest with her and it wasn't fair he was dragging this out. I didn't instigate this btw it was between them, If she knew this I think she would think I did.
It ended badly for her and My friends and I were there for her. But ever since, she's absolutely hated the fact that I'm in a new relationship with a really nice, caring guy. She's very good at making me feel bad when I see him, and any nice sweet guesture Tom makes towards me, she doesn't like and has to comment. At the same time, she's quite nosey about our relationship, Like, are we sleeping together yet? Have we had our first argument yet? (no to both!) . I'm quite shy and I don't really feel it's her business but she's gets annoyed when I don't give her the nitty gritty. Really there's is nothing to tell!
Last week at school she asked if we could hang out this weekend, go shopping as our other two close friends are busy . I said I couldn't and apologised and before I could give an explanation, she rolled her eyes and said 'oh you're probably going out put with tom aren't you? What a b***dy surprise' . Then walked off!
Yes, I was going somewhere with Tom, we were going to see my aunt about my parents recent separation; so it was a really important visit to me. Tom had offered to drive me, give me a bit of moral support and make it into a day trip to the seaside. I didn't say anymore because the whole topic is too raw and she had made it really awkward. tbh I thought if she's going to be rude and just make assumptions, why bother telling her?
So yesterday in toms car on the way there, she starts texting me, trying to make feel bad and asked couldn't I spare a morning or afternoon with her? Did I have to see Tom all day? I admittedly didn't text her back, I was already worrying about what I was going to find out that day. I could also sense she was looking for an argument.
It was quite a hard day at my aunts, emotionally draining. When I got back last night I called her, to tell her where I had been that day and explain why I hadnt answered her texts. She was really angry with me tea d started shouting at me saying II had changed since I had been with Tom and I have no time for her and our other two friends anymore. So I told her I couldn't speak to her when she's being like this and I ended the call.
She knows about my parents splitting up and how it's been really stressful for me at the moment, she could of let me explain, Rather then shout about it. Maybe I should of told her but she keeps making me feel bad the moment I utter Tom's name and her facial expression is a picture! It's half term next week and she and I had made plans but I think she's needs the week to cool off!
I don't know if my other two close friend feel this. Also one of them is also a realatship and she's not like this with her, why me?. We're 18 not 8 fgs!
Thanks for read anyways.
Sorry to hear about your parents and I knownit must be so hard for you because my parents spilt up when I was around your age (I'm guessing by some of the things you've said in your post you're around 17/18 )
And I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get easier. Two happy parents living apart are better to be be around than two unhappy parents living together and what manages to make me feel a bit better was the double presents, double pocket money lol two nice places to call home, so it does have its positives.
Sounds to me like your friend is quite resentful of your relationship, most likely because she has been dumped and your time for her is limited now as you also have to make time for your boyfriend.
You were right to hang up when she became irate on the phone, don't tolerate any of that nonsense.
Maybe you could give her some time to cool off, then ask her if she would like to meet up for a coffee or something and tell her how you feel and ask why she is behaving the way she is. Tell her you don't want to fall out over something so petty because you've been friends a long time and see what she says. Hopefully she realises how silly she has been.
Ah, classic best friend jealousy! It is pretty normal but not a nice thing for you to have to put up with and she shouldn't be making you feel like this.
From what you said, it sounds like the boyfriend messed her kept leading her on for quite a while, she kept ignoring the signs or didn't want to admit it, and clearly thought booking a holiday with him next year would fix things! She was seeking commitment from him, (he was probably wanting to run a mile) next year is a long way away and her mind would of been put at rest if she knew she a god number of months with him. So when he dumped her it was proabably a bit of a slap in the face and she was probably quite hard on her self.
What she doing with you is projecting her feelings on you, and it came come out in different ways/emotions, like anger, probably why you got shouted at! Often when people are hurt and upset they take it out on the closest person to them a best friend or family, so I wonder if her family also getting the brunt of it too!
She's probably asking you those questions about intermatecy and arguing because shes trying to get an insight to your relationship with your boyfriend, which actually isn't helping because it will be feeding her jealousy. She's testing to see how things are and your both getting along. It depends how open you were with each other before? Is she always been more open with you (when she was with her bf did she give you all the details?), and you less so? But you shouldn't have to say anything if you dont want to and she should accept that. Friends are meant to have fun together, have nice girly chats etc, not make each other feel uncomfortable.
I agree with whats been said above, let her cool, if you had plans this week, maybe text her the night before and just see how she is with you, is shes sarcastic or provoking . If you meet have a chat with her and tell her how he makes you feel. Also continue to try not to react to her and well done for ending the call, good move, you should have to put up with that after an emotional day !
Just remember she won't be like this forever and she'll move on.
Did you find anything out at Aunts?
Hi every one
Thanks for the replies.
Jackdor - I didn't think of it like that! And since they're not talking, double allowance here I come, I feel like they owe me compensation any way, lol. They've been really secretive about the whole thing. Thanks for pointing out some positives because I've been scratching and couldn't see any! I read it takes 10 year for most people to get over a parent divorce and some never get over it :(. But ta divorce could still not happen.
Mia - that's so interesting ! and makes a lots of sense as to why she's acting like this with me. But why is she not acting like this with me and not our close friend too? How long will it take her to get back to normal ? I'll come on to my aunt in a minute!!
To all- I thought I needed to let her cool off, she's never spoken to me like that before. We were meant to be going out tomorrow, so maybe I'll send her a text later,I don't really want to but I think I need to talk to her and ask her to stop making me feel so bad. I will try and ignore her comments.
Thing is I don't feel like I've changed, not in the way she thinks anyway. I haven't had the chance to! I feel happier because I'm with tom and he distracts me but there's still my parents separation to live with. Tom also has a job after school and sometimes at weekend so I've seen her and the others a lot and I don't really brag about him.
I have spoken to my other two close friends and they don't feel the same as her or think I'm bragging or leaving any of them out and have told me to just ignore her.
One of my friends did point out that she's probably not used to being dumped. Out of the four of us shes considered the 'fit one', I hate that phrase it's so chavy, by the boys at school so she's always got attention. She also knows she's pretty and she uses this to her advantage. And this is her first time of being dumped.
It was worth the trip to my aunts, I have some idea as to what's going now At long bl**dy last, ! she was really angry they been hiding it from me and my bro and sis and thought it was very unfair with how they're both dealing with it . Basically my parents are confused about their feeling, about their marriage but there is no actual real reasoning. From what I could see they didn't have anything to complain about unless there's something else we don't know! My dad moved out after an arguement over this. My aunt think they're being stupid as in 'if it's not broken don't fix it'. Thankfully it's between them and No one else is involved which is what I was so worried about. My aunt is going to talk to them both , today I hope! They don't know I know this I did ask my aunt how am I meant to let them know, I now know and she was like you just leave that to me love! no doubt tell them to get their act together which they really do need to do. With them now for the last two days when I seed either of my parent I'm a bit like 'I know something you don't know and you're gunna get in trouble!' Lol . But seriously, it didn't have to be like this and I don't really care if they get angry with me for going to my aunt. I do feel a lot better and so much more supported now.
Forgot to say! She has always been a lot more open with zme then I have with her for no real reason, only because she's more confident and talks more. When she was with her boyfriend I always got all the gory details that I didn't really want to know but she just told me. Tom is really my first propper bf and it doesn't feel like it's only going to last a month or something because we were good friends before and took our time. Plus he has a psycho gf that we've had to put up with! Think she's got off our case now though, I hope.
Do you ever remember throwing a fit at your mum or dad when you were small, where you couldn't probably make a proper paper boat or something ? We do that because we have certain privileges with our parents. Thats the same reason your friend is throwing such a tantrum. Okay, now don't get me all wrong here. I am aware of how upset you are and how difficult it is to hear these tantrums from your friend. Am sure you would want her to be supportive to you in these difficult times where your parents probably are separating from each other.
The best way to deal with her is to continue being yourself and not loosing your patience on her. Its not point you getting mad at her, cause she aint going to listen to you at all. Giving her space will help. But don't expect that things will get back to normal because of that. Your friendship will evolve to a newer shape. And you should allow that to happen. Once she is back to her senses, she will understand all the good you have done for. So, for now its best that you let her be herself. If she does call you, answer it. If she messages you, try and respond to it in a subtle way.
You need to ensure that your focus is on the right things in life my dear. You need to be clear to ur self that you can't control or make her life any better. She, herself has to make good things happen in her life. She possible can't expect you to baby sit her just because she is sad. She too needs to learn to stand on her own feet. In my personal experience, being over emotional can burn you down.
So, my honest advice to you would be to focus on the important priorities in life. Your parents separation, your college, your boyfriend etc all those need your attention. These things will work out on their own. So don't really waste your energies in trying to control things that are not in your hand.
In answer to your questions, the reason why she's not focusing on your other freinds relationship is because they were already happening before, she got dumped, am I right? Or did they start dating at the same time too? :/ Does this other boyfriend go to your school too? You're her best friend and you've known her since nursery people lash out at best friend sometime like I said before . Yours and tom relationship is brand new, she probably remembers what was like and wishes she was in your shoes and has what you have. She was probably looking forward to double date and who know what else. I don't think you can put a time frame on iwhen she will get back to normal, its a whole process she has to go through. It really depends on her relationship with her ex bf, how mature she is and how shes coping.
I'm not excusing her but try to look at it from her point of view, it might help you. Little excerise for you: 'k, so, Her bf gives her alot of ovbious signs that things aren't working out but he leads her on a bit (might be to scared), she chooses to ignore them, somewhere along the lines she probably seen and witnesssed you and Tom get closer or get together, which could of sparked some jealousy in her, plus the fear of loosing her bf and and anxiety starts to build up, leading her to think i better do something abot this starts look at holidays, he dumps her and runs a miles. Shes left feeling sad and angry also through no fault of YOUR own she sees you and Tom together and your relationship grow, jealousy kicks in more etc. That's a very, very rough idea from what you have said, so in your head change it to the correct way to (if you know) how it happened. Just see what that could of felt like for her and if any feeling comes up for you :) it might help when you next see her or when she contacts you to hopefully make up.
Oooh thats now interesting! So shes always recieved male attention, hiding behind looks is not really a good thing its stops the personality coming through. Yes its good to look nice and have standards and there needs to be some physical attraction between two people, but you're also looking to see if you can get along with someone long term. And looks don't always last! So what happened when her past bfs get to know her personality is she's too nice? boring? Over confident to the point its annoying? Too clingy? Demanding? Does she like tom? Its never a bad thing to take your time with boyfriends, I think it might be your turn now Lily x And she might be finding this, the attention your getting from Tom quite hard.
You haven't has the head space to change - I think you're right i dont think you have, with everything thats going on new bf, parents separation, your demanding/upset friend, your brain is probably quite over loaded and youve been trying to process it all. Your'e Entitled to spend as much time as you like with Tom, but since you said he works outside of school and weekends, its clear its not all the time and you have been making time for your friends, which is good, its also nice to hear Tom makes you happy!
I'm pleased your it went well at your aunts. I think if i was your aunt I'd be angry too, hope she knocks some sense into them and you can talk to your parents about this now, you have waited long enough!
Having said that lol, if there is no real reason or issue for their separation like you say, it make me wonder what's the problem? Like you said you're aunt said 'if its broken, don't fix it' and if she thinks their being silly well...that says something. Their marriage is worth fighting for and might be doing this behind closed doors.
It sounds like ( might be very wrong here ) both or one of them have been having negitive thoughts. Negitive thoughts aren't often true, you should listen to your self but they are very irrational! But we feel anxious we listen to them and believe them and you can go down in a massive great big spiral, that Is very hard to get out of.
If your parents or one of them saw a counsellor they teach them how to batt these thoughts away and get them to concentrate on positives . If i didnt batt away any of my negitive thoughts that my partner is a dad and the whole amelie and her mum thing, I would be a complete mess and probably would of buggered off and left Rob. Its a very easy thing to pick up and do but quite a dangerous one. People feed off each other which could of lead to that arguement to make your dad leave. There could be an entirely another reason that your aunt may not know about or one or both could be depressed?
If you see your friend today hope all goes well,
Urge...it continues! I met up with my friend today. she sent a text last night and asked if we were still meeting up still or I had made other plans now with Tom now ? I was a bit annoyed at how the text was worded but I remembered what you guys said, stayed patient and reminded myself she was just upset and lashing out, which really helped, so thanks again! We arranged to meet in the afternoon.
This morning went I was helping out at my dads work place, it was crazy busy and a patient had shouted at me because their prescription wasn't ready. All the doctors refused to sign it till the end of morning, (which is a rule within the practice) the patient then went mad and stormed into my dads room, whilst he had a patient In there and complained to him! And my dad gave me a lecture! Ffs. Yeah thanks dad for not backing me up. So I was already stressed before meeting my friend. Anyways tom came in to say hi on his lunch break, which really cheered me up.I told him I was worried as I was going to be really late meeting my friend, so he said he'd drop me off in town. Remember, my friends ex bf was always late in meeting her and it really annoyed her. So problem solved. We met her in the car park and she sees me get out of toms car and her face is like thunder and she give me this look at if to say 'oh-my-god-I can't-believe-you-brought-him-with-you!' She looked so relieved when I told her tom was just on his lunch break and going back to work and I would that of been really late if he haven't of given me lift and she was then ok.
I had decided I wasn't going to bring up anything about the weekend unless she did. She was semi normal with me whilst shopping and we both slowly relaxed in each other's company and went back to normal. When we were done shopping we went to Starbucks and I asked her how she was with the break up. I thought I needed to check up on her and she clearly needed to talk, as she talked a lot , and I honestly didn't mind listening.
Then she asked me the question I now dread her asking me. what I was doing at the weekend ? I said I was free Saturday, thinking if I just told her when I was free that there would be no bad feelings and there would be no repeat of last wkend. But she ignored my answer, then asked about Sunday. so I said I was seeing tom and she gave me her usual look that makes me feel really bad and then she said can't you see him Saturday? As she was busy on Sunday. I explained tom was working then, so no I couldn't. I then asked her if she could please stop making me feel bad about seeing tom and how it makes me feel really uncomfortable.
She went completely on the defensive, saying she wasn't making me feel bad. I was the one who had changed not her, and hung up on her the other night. And all I seem to do is rub my relationship in her face. Then she used the example of when tom dropped me off that afternoon. I thought that was sorted, so I reminded her I would of been late and She said she'd rather me be late, which is a load of crap.
She then said all I had to do was swap things around, and how she would of done it for me. or could tom see if he could swap days at his work.
I told her I didn't see why tom should have to swap his days off or why I should ask him. I didn't dare tell her we had made plans already :-/.
Then she said well f**k off then, if you can't be bothered and then just walked off and left me! Then whilst I was still sitting there one of my friends texts me and asks what's going on because holly is really upset. I told her and she didn't reply, clearly she's sided with her. I don't know about my other friend yet. It's just so stupid and childish.
I can't win! I really tried not to react to this, which btw was all said in very low hushed tone were a couple of chavs who seek attention in public lol. I was nice and listened to her, and sympathised because she said struggling and misses her ex. I tried to protect her with my weekend plans that involve tom but she choose to question me and still makes me feel bad, then when she didn't get what she wanted and she tells me to F**k off! I wish I could of recorded it so my other two friends could hear how silly it was.
I've got a driving test tomorrow, which I'm so not in the mood to do now. I was hoping going to pass first time, don't think I will now. And I'm so not looking forward to going back to school next week.
Please be honest with me guys, so I can try and get this sorted, where have I gone wrong ? Do I really sound that horrible that I deserve to be told to F off? What does she want me to do not see tom at all? I'm really upset and just want my friend back :( L x
Lilly, from what i can understand, is that your friends are wanting you to LEAVE TOM and just sit absolutely free for them ! That is utterly ridiculous. Firstly, you need to understand that friends are not the only thing in the world. You may be busy. You may not be available to them at their beck and call. And what is this guilt trip about ? That you are dating TOM ? Like really ? You are dating TOM because you love him. You want to spend a lot of time with him. That is not asking for much. And if TOM comes to drop you, no one in the world can roll their god damm eyes at you for that. So firstly, get your self together. Your friend needs to learn to respect you. You are not here to take slaps from her.She can happily go and f**** off if thats what she wants. And you make this very clear to everyone around you, including your common friends who want to join the band wagon.
No one can take you for granted for your goodness. The next time your friend calls up and rolls her eyes at you, tell her that you will slap her right across her face for doing that. If TOM means everything to you, they have to learn to respect that. And no one can come and tell you how to live your life. If you are busy with other things in life, doesn't mean that they can accuse you for doing that. Its their bloody fault for not being in a relation and living a shitty life.
So lilly, don't ever loose your self respect in front of any one. We are not wanting to fight with anyone, but if they ask for it, they will get it back. You don't owe any one an explanation as to why you are busy. The other thing that you need to do is to stop giving her so much of importance. Friends come and go, but life does not stop. You will make plenty of friends in your life. A relationship only works if both the people in them put their best foot forward.
Yes, at the same time, make sure you also make an extra effort in meeting up with all your friends. Make sure you cover up for all that you couldn't attend. They are right in their way that you are not available to them as before, but explain to them that you will make up for it in some way or another. But you need to be stern in this. People can not come and talk to you disrespectfully. You need to re-assure everyone that you are just as excited to meet them, as they are to meet you. Whether you choose to date TOM or you choose to do something productive in life, they have no say in it.
So, whenever they message you to meet up next time, handle this properly. And more importantly, now learn to understand how much importance you should be giving friends and trivial things. Your driving test is very vital. You need to focus on these important things.
Hi harry 888,
Thanks for reading. Your post makes lots of sense I clearly need to be more assertive rather then take it on the chin and start talking.
It's just me and 3 friend including my best friend, I don't really have any other friend but I'm happy with the one I got! Or was. Thankfully my other friend has got my back, she think my best friend is being really childish but I hate that it's turning into side I'd rather us just forget and my best friend lean to deal with the situation.
I feel guilty when she questions me, and I can only think it's because she got dumped around the same time tom and I got together.
Not too sure about threatening to slap her round the face though, I'd loose her forever right? I know friend s come and go but it'd be a shame to loose her for good. I know she being disrespectful but I think I need to be more forceful with words rather then physical plus my parent would kill me they think hitting just becomes hitting. I'll be making things a lot clearer too.
I'm not leaving tom either I'm far too stubborn! And we've done nothing wrong. There's a deffinately spark but it's not love yet we haven't been dating that long but I'm falling for him.
Mia - I did do your excerise and I found I empathised more and could see her jealousy, anger and sadness and even possibly where shes coming from. Then when I saw her yesterday it all went down the toilet! And I wasn't feeling so empathetic then o was more angry lol.
She's always, always got male attention. Boys make a beeline for her then I think they do get bored. She is nice she wouldn't be my fiend if she wasn't! Apart from yesterday when she wasn't so nice and for making me feel so guilty. but she is over confident and she can say/do silly things and batter eye lids to make up for it.
Yes she did like tom, him and her ex started at the start of sixth form last year they were the only two new boys and she was deciding which one to flirt with to protentially date! Luckily she didn't choose tom :) but I don't think he sees the attraction, what others do but he's been nothing but nice.
P.s after a sleepless night I passed my driving test :)