Terrified of pregnancy
I'm 26 and i'm going to be married next year. I have this extreme fear of pregnancy. My main fear is not the pregnancy itself, but the need to have an open IV line ( plastic tube / needle stuck to the back of my hand) and also the fear of vaginal tearing and c-section. This is mainly because i am a needlephobic so i am naturally afraid of all these procedures. I go to the extent of feeling sick and nauseated when i see a close relative or friend being pregnant/ just delivered.
Sidenote: i am so afraid of pain that i still cannot bring myself to have sex for the first time yet because it hurts to just poke my hymen a little bit.
Besides, i am not too keen in having my own children. My partner is very supportive about it, and doesnt even mind the idea of child adoption. However, living in an asian community whereby we are taught that a women's role is to pro create is giving me immense pressure. My future mother-in-law got a bit angry when she heard about my thoughts about not giving birth a few months back, and i am worried that she might treat me differently after im married and do not plan to bear a child.
As my wedding date draws near, i am constantly worried as the pressure of having a child would definitely increase after marriage and people would start asking about when i would have a baby. I am even starting to worry that my partner might change his feelings in the future years because i wont bear him a child.
Please help me and give me some good advice as i am extremely depressed about this.
Unfortunately my mother shares almost the same thinking as my future mother-in-law, but i do not feel as pressured from my mother's side. When i do talk to her about this, she is insistent that i must have children, my biological clock is ticking, etc etc.
I do not remember any past trauma or events that contributed to these feelings of mine. I have had this feeling for as long as i remember since i was a kid.
I am currently a medical student, and what i have learnt do contribute somewhat to my fear.
Now im feeling guilty for depriving my partner the joys of being a father. But I still do not feel brave enough to sacrifice it all for him to be a father!
My partner is okay with either adoption or his own child, bt he prefers not to talk about it for now as he feels the time hasnt come for us to worry about children. This just makes me even more worried about "what then, when the time comes?"