Hi so I'm new to this forum but a couple of days ago I was thinking of posting to an online forum in regards to the uncertainty of my future.
To give some background context, I am very close to graduating from my degree. I only have one semester left and that will be the end of that. Now the problem is not necessarily that I will be graduating it is more along the lines of the fact that I have been made this my goal ever since I was a child. Getting a degree was always my number one priority, and I have to say I did neglect other aspects of my life. For instance, I have compromised friendships and relationships because they were not helping me in the pursuit of my goal. And that can be seen as a very selfish thing, but I think that my success is and always will be my number one priority. Putting it in words seems absurd because it seems like I am very goal-orientated and driven, but I really am not.
So I think my main problem is that I have not put too much thought in what I want to do after I graduate. I have not made any short term or long term goals in relation to my life post-graduation. I have dreams and ideas of where I would like my life to go, but none of it is a concrete plan.
I suppose I am struggling to come to terms with graduating. I have only ever focused on this particular aspect of my life. A few months ago I started anti-depressants again because I was having panic attacks which interfered with my attendance of classes, and also my ability to even leave my house. I have gotten my anxiety under control, mostly because I was so afraid that my panic attacks would not allow me to complete my degree in the time frame that I wanted to. That probably gave me more anxiety on top of the anxiety I already had.
Anyway, the panic attacks I experienced were in relation to my fear of failure. And what am I failing? My own ideals of myself.
I suppose what I am really looking for is some sort of comfort in knowing that my life after graduation will not change drastically. That even if I complete my ultimate goal of graduating, that there will be something else that I will want to work towards. I just have not found that thing yet. There's many things I would like to do, but none of it is possible as soon as I graduate. For instance, I plan to travel at some point, but I would have to save money, and in order to do that I will have to obtain employment. With my degree, I will not be able to get a job, because I am required to do a masters in my field. But I have already decided to take at least two years off before I commit to another block of study. Mostly because I have not experienced life, just read about it in textbooks for the past 3 years.
I guess I am just in a limbo between completing one goal and not having another one to pursue after it is finished.
There's so many things I want to do, but it all seems so out of reach for me at the moment. I am not satisfied with being stagnant, or rather not having any progress in my life. I don't really know how to deal with these feelings of inadequacy when I am not working towards something that will benefit me either short or long term.
And also to add on, I am unsure if I really want to pursue the masters in my field of study to obtain employment. I am not even sure that I want to work in the field that I have chosen. So I also feel like I have wasted 3 years of my life to be back at square one. Sure, I completed the goal of getting a degree in something I wanted, but now I am not sure if I want it. Having experienced first hand the type of work I would have to do, it just doesn't feel right. I suppose that also makes me feel disappointed. The fact that I made the decision and also the fact that the ideas that I had about it were not the reality.
I just also don't want to disappoint my family or my friends. I have always spoken about my plans, but now they are changing. So I suppose what people will think of me when I do something differently effects my decisions in life.
I have always been a firm believer that you should do what makes you happy. While my degree does make me happy and I enjoy learning and studying, the external factors such as being financially stable have really got to me lately. I have never put much thought into it, but as I get older I realise that I will have to become financially stable to support myself and the kind of life I want to have. But then at the same time I convince myself that I don't have to have this stability if it isn't something I strive for. Because it hasn't been for my entire life. I suppose I have been able to support myself with minimum amount of income while studying, so I do not see why it is impossible to do so after I graduate.
I don't know. I just have a lot on my mind and I guess I am just fearful of the future and the changes that will or will not happen.