Married 2 years ago and confused
YOUNGMARRIED - Nov 1 2016 at 09:37
My husband and I have been going through a rough time the past 6 months. Due to my infidelity, which he chose to forgive me for and has told me to forgive myself. It was the biggest mistake of my life and we have dealt with that. But he managed to convince me that the only way he can truly forgive me is if we had a three way, which I wasn't comfortable with but ended up doing it on our anniversary, to save our marriage. And make us "even" I suppose.
After a couple months have past, I started to notice how manipulative and how insecure he has always been. We took 2 breaks in one month, both lasting 1 week. (I was so unhappy being around him and felt exhausted emotionally) I went back because I love him and I believed him when he said he will change his behavior. He said he will go to therapy and to anger management. He quit therapy. Still goes to A. M classes though.
Now to a couple days ago. I caught him and a mutual friend laying on a bed where she was leaning on his chest, flirtatiously close. They were drunk and I just went outside for a smoke. I'm mad at him and very hurt. This isn't the first time he's flirted with other women in front of me either. I split them up. And told him I'd talk to him when he's sober. We promised each other to never touch anyone else ever again. He said he's changed but of course he hasn't. This is about the 10+ time he has promised me this.
What should I do? Is this really nothing? He said I'm over reacting and it wasn't a big deal. I'm so furious, because we worked so hard to get back to a good place and now it feels as if it was all for nothing. Are these things going to change or is our relationship going to end?
You guys are either committed to each other or you're not. If you can't commit to each other then you need to divorce and plan your lives away from each other. There's no such thing as getting even when it comes to saving a marriage. Instead it should be a daily commitment of communication, love and respect all based on trust. Your husband chose to manipulate you after your infidelity which tells you how much he thinks of his marriage with you. He's using your mistake to his advantage and it's been all of your effort to find that good place again and not his...his actions are the total opposite.
You can forgive yourself, but you need to be true to yourself and follow your gut instinct. Ask yourself if you can see any happiness for you in the future while you remain married in the current circumstances. Yes, you may love him, but at what cost to you? Your husband will never change and you have a choice as to whether you stay to be further manipulated and hurt or you leave to find true happiness with a man who respects you.
You both married too soon
Thank you for replying.
I'm feeling very guilty for wanting to leave him. I suppose I have to make up my mind and figure out what's best.
I think your husband was wrong to assume that a 3-way would make up for infidelity. Maybe it makes things a little better since he gets something out of it? But it doesn't change what you did, and it only makes it so that he did something you didn't want in return.
He is still going to anger management classes, so that is something - it shows he wants to better himself. At the same time, it is clear that he wants to touch other people, or wants that sort of bond with other people, or something. And it's clear that it is hurting you.
I'm not sure how long you have been a couple, prior to marrying 2 years ago. I will say that your relationship sounds like it has some of the problems mine did, maybe. At the end of the day, you both are unfulfilled in your relationship, and want something else. Unless you are both okay with going outside of your relationship to fill what's missing in it, perhaps your relationship is not one that is right for either of you.
Keep in mind that you can't change people to your liking, or be with this perfect person because that doesn't exist. At the same time, you should be with someone who things really feel mutually right with. Right now, this does not sound that way.
Take some time away to yourself and reflect, and then try to decide what is best.
My general feeling is that infidelity ends all relationships and chances are that person who did it was checked out a long time ago. Just rip the band aid off and start healing now.