To stay or not to stay.....
I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now.It has been a little rocky at times,mostly due to me questioning if I should stay in the relationship. He's not the type of man I am usually attracted to. He is handsome but lacks charisma and can be boring at times. Most of my previous relationships have been with men who have had a great sense of humor, spontanious and a certain spark about them. I also have trust issues with men and did not completely trust those men. However I trust this man whole heartedly and know that he really loves me. I love him but I have never felt like I am so in love with him. I have always felt like there are things/qualities missing.
I am mid 40's, attractive, outgoing, self sufficient and I have never been married. I have been engaged twice but decided they were not "the one". He's 51 and came out of a 25 year marriage about 6 mths before we met. He has no desire to be married again as he loves his own space and time. He did say he would marry me if it meant losing me. I'm not even sure he is the one but am having a hard time staying commited to him since I don't see it going any further as I want to be married to the right man and build a life together. I don't want him to feel forced into marriage. But I completley trust him and this is huge for me. Not sure what to do.....
I'm really tired of "I love him but am not in love". It's almost always the women. Love your dog but don't marry him. You sound like a woman that will never be satisfied. Pick a man to have a life with, build a home and financial security, and be swingers. Go listen to some podcasts and see if THAT might work for you or at least gives you ideas.
If you're not in love with guy and he's not giving you any opportunity to be in love with him then you need to move on. He doesn't need to state that he'll marry you just to keep you, rather he should have the NEED to be with you. Marriage shouldn't be about conditions, rather it should be a given that two people have a need to share their life together. If you both aren't thinking about the future together, happily married, then you need to go your separate ways.
You also need to realize that you could be a for a long search looking for your Mr Right because not many of us manage to find a perfect partner. However, we all learn to live with a spouse/partner who just 'does it for us' rather than have all the qualities that we all wish our partners had.
You post states that you have commitment issues but your BF has commitment problems as well because he needs his time and space. He can't expect you to be there when he wants you to be. Yes, it's a very big plus to be able to totally trust him but if you feel that this guy doesn't do it for you, then move on. It's your decision.
i am not sure that you are a match sadly
; it isn't a criticism of you or him, but you sound as though you are at the stage where you want a bit more out of life, you sound as though you are sorted in most things apart from love.
there are things missing for you, and after 3 years you still haven't got them from this man. its admirable to love someone and be loved by them, but "if you are not in love in the way you want, need, feel and desearve" then I think you are always going to feel dissatisfied and as though you are just going through the daily routine.
if it was me I would tell him that you love him but you just don't feel that what you have together is enough anymore. it is sad of course, but 3 years is a long time. all relationships get rocky, but I think you actually DO KNOW that this isn't making you feel the buzz and energy that you want.
im not sure knowing that someone is prepared to marry you in order not to lose you!!!!! is a healthy reason, it could be thrown back at you if he marries you and previously has always said after the divorce he didn't want to marry but he married you because he loved you, but that is just a thought. marrying someone to keep them if you suspect taht they dont really love you as much as you love them in itself is not really a balanced reason to try to keep something that is not that happy going.
I think he also knows that you are not suited anymore becasue things are changing and so is offering to change to do anything you want to keep you.
if you were happy, in love the way you wanted to be and looking forward you wouldn't be writing this. good luck with what you decide to do. only you know what your idea of love is.
if you marry him it could be another 30 40 years you have with him !!!! you have questioned love several times in only 3 years!!!. so I think you should try to be brave and prepare for a new start.
there will be other men who can give you more of what you hope to find. it sounds as though you have lost a bit of your passion for life with this man and are very queitly regretting it but are struggling to find the courage to leave or move on.
what about trying a trial separation for a month or 2 and see if you want him after that, I think you have got too used to him just being there and you just being a couple, but maybe you have been bored for some time and the fact that you keep questioning it then it isn't enough.
a bit of time away from him might do you both good, you can clear you mind and think forwards, if you decide you want him fine, but if you don't, then be firm in your decisions otherwise you will fall back into this dissatisfied place and I don't think it is making you happy. you both desearve to be happier I think, not just settling for staying in your comfort zone because you are a bit afraid to move on. only you know what makes you happy. you have to ask if you are TRULY HAPPY?
Thank you MANALONE and ANOTHER THOUGHT. I have told him we need some time apart. This will hopefully give me the opportunity to tap into my true feelings and needs more. I may miss him like crazy or get excited about a new start. It would be hard to get excited about being single again though!
Having faced the idea of being alone again (after 20+ years of marriage for me) I understand how frightening it can be. You want to dip your toes to test the temperature. But we all know you are ending it. Be fair to him and just do it. Be fair to yourself and be commited.
What you say about trust and "love" vs "in love" makes me think that what really turns you on is the kind of man you don't trust. Are they trustworthy? We can't tell. Maybe you really don't trust youself. Some women fear being consummed by their own passion. Maybe the bad boy that hits your buttons will use you up and throw you away. I suspect you will never know the answer. I suspect you will settle on an answer and find it was wrong. Maybe there is no one answer.
Earlier, I suggested a solution that let you find stabality, trust, and common goals in a stable relationship that would also let you reach out at times for other things you can't get at home. Cutting your current ties is the first step. Then, learn about the great number of non-monogamous relationships. Some allow physical outlets, some emotional, and some both. Then you will know for sure what you want and you can find the right combination, even if that is monogamy (after therapy regarding trust issues).
And one big piece of advice (in case you later regret leaving this guy): Never have a long relationship with a man when you really like another man better (even if the better man is unavailable, even dead). It's eventually damaging to the new man.
It is a tough choice when you are choosing a partner who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You've mentioned about your previous partners, how humorous they were, broken engagements etc. The fact is that your wants and needs will continuously evolve. At this point of age you would be able to identify those needs clearly. Relationships are much beyond looks and beauty. Your compatibility is more important.
I know i shouldn't be preaching you such silly things, but the only reason that you are so confused right now is because you dont have a partner who is convincing you enough to get married. Am not trying to blame him for the same. I understand his point of view too. He has experienced how marriage works and wants only peace out of his life. Where as, you still have to experience all of the blissful moments in marriage. All the excitement, all the fun, all the impossible things in a marriage. So firstly, stop feeling bad that you are wanting all of those things in life. I am sure that he is a good guy and loves you immensely. But is that enough ?
Having realistic goals is also very important. You do want a stable partner in your life. You do want a partner that you look forward to meeting everyday after work. You do want a partner who can create that excitement in life. These all things do have to be built up too. They don't come ready in packages. Some people have closed their doors for a certain reason.
Taking time off will work temporarily. It might just worsen things too. Every relationship has a momentum. The moment you give it an exit door, it will never sustain. So do be careful when you are asking for time off from each other. It also creates insecurities amongst you'll.
The other dilemma that you may also want to consider is that, what kind of a person are you really looking for ? Does that kind of a person exist ? Do you have the time and the energy to really look for him ? No, am not telling you to settle down for a compromise. But am wanting you to realize that you will need to work your way of finding for a soul mate where things actually work out. Where you lead a realistic and stable life.
I do hope things work out for the best for you