To disown or help?
I'm sat in a beautiful location on the Wiltshire countryside feeling emotional and hugely reliefed that my sisters wedding is over, all becase of one person, my mother. I'm also shattered not slept and wouldnt normally write on here whilst away, but feel like I need to. Thank goodness for the internet!
My mum has been awful about this whole wedding ever since my sisters now husband proposed to her. She thrown tantrums, sent rude emails to my dad, said some very spiteful things, taken money away, you name it she probably did it! Its almost like she's read a book on 'How to be The Worst Mother of the Bride'. She's also not been the most loving and supportive person in mine or my sisters lives and always been very strict and controlling, she's a typical narrasist.
To start off the day yesterday my sister and I were already anxious because we didn't know if our mum, her husband and their daughter were going to turn up, partly because our mother threw a tantrum a few days before! My sister had asked her to come early at 11 am to be in room whilst she got ready and so pics could be done and hopefully she might of shown her a little bit of emotion, so the wedding could kick off in te right way. I did warn my sister this probably wasn't going to happen, knowing the way our mum is. My sister was getting married at 1 o clock and at 12.20 our mum hadn't turned up and my sister was refusing to start the ceremony until she saw our mum. At 12.40 our mum arrived, saw my sister, tells her shes not staying the night because she can't bear to be under the same roof as our dad, immediately my sister is upset and disappointed, she didnt tell her how beautiful she looked, she really did look stunning, then thought she had the right to complain about my sisters dress being too loose why as it not fitted propperly and the flowers looked awful! Great start! Luckily our cousin guided her swiftly out of the room whilst I tried to calm my sister.
Anyway my sister made it down the ilse and stayed really composed, all the things she was worried about didn't happen! The ceremony went smoothly, was very emotional. My mum and her partner did have faces on them that looked like a slapped fish, but no one gave them any attention, which is what they would of wanted.
During the time in the middle before the wedding breakfast my mum refused to have any photos taken, was quite rude to members of staff and just sat in a corner drinking, she didn't go to congratulate my sister and her hubby. During the wedding breakfast, she complained loudly her food wasn't cooked and through out my dads, best man and Tims (sisters hubby) speeches she rolled her eyes, made faces and tutted and sighed, my parter nearly got up to take her out of the room. Everyone noticed her behaviour. Then in the time before the first dance she just went around picking arguments! Firstly with my dad - he just said one sentence to her then walked away her, then with Tim, where my fiancé had to inveen and stop him from going ballistic at her, normally he's a very chilled out, very nice guy, never seen him so angry. She also tried it on with me and my fiancé, we just walked away and when she realised she had failed, she told my sister she hadn't had the time to get her a card or wedding present which is a load of crap. I did ask my sister if she wanted our mum to leave, there was a queue of people wiho our mum had managed to p*iss off and were willing to kick her off site, staff included! About an hour after the first dance my mum gets up and just leaves with husband and half sister in tow and my sister saw her leaving without any goodbye and goes after her, followed by me, and out in the carpark, thankfully far away from guests! my sister (who is normally very quiet and shy and has always tried to please our mum) tells our mum she's completely tarnished her wedding days and their relationship is over and is disowning her . She wasn't drunk at all I might add, she wanted to stay sober so sh could enjoy herself. I know she meant every word, she may be quiet but when shes angry and says she going to do something she does it! My mums reply was 'fine by me, I don't even know why you wanted me to come' and got in the car and drove off. And I'm left letting my sister ranti in the carpark, then consoling her.
Luckily the night ended on a high, the live band that was were hired were really amazing and I did manage to convince my sister not to wallow (yet, I know she will) and try to enjoy the rest of the evening and because my mum had left everyone had relaxed and started to enjoy themselves and we all got really drunk!
In the early hours of this morning I got a text from my mum saying 'I'm guessing your disowning me too. Bye then, mum" clearly shes been reflecting on things but feeling sorry for herself, because that all narsacist do. I'm very close to disowning her, and I will back my sister up, but I feel like our mum needs help and I feel like I've got to try something before I cut the strings completely.
I study/work in the counselling world, and know some very good counsellors, physchologists, who would be very professional but also have a absolute field day with her and they might make a difference if shes willling. Its that old saying: you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink! I could get arranged pretty quick. I have told my mum she needs help but in the past she just laughed at me and told me to shut up but if she wants a relationship back with my sister andi have a very serious conversation with her she giving her no other option, she might (unwilllingly) go. What do you think ?Do i even bother trying? I know i cant force her that would be pointless, but I could point ho how serious this is and how serious my sister is. My mum sees my sister as weak and probably thinks she'll go running back to her but she won't, I'm certain she wont not this time.
My only problem is her husband is a 'closet narrccist' and strokes her ego, so he won't help or support me in trying to get her help. I will be on my own i doing this!
Thanks for reading, Mia x
Mia, may i ask you a question ? Everytime a person faces a problem, should they start running to a counselor ? Absolutely not. It is inbuilt in you to see it from a problem solving perspective and offering solutions immediately. But some things are very natural in life. You don't need to apply science to it. Secondly, intimidating your mum is going to create hell for you, and youve clearly seen how she has reacted by this intimidation of yours. Your mother has been seriously ticked off. And she decided that no one can show her down. So hence the rude behavior. Applying counseling techniques isn't going to work here.
You mentioned how your sister will probably go running back to your mother, isn't that a natural thing ? Its not because of mind games that it will happen, its just a mother - daugther bond that is going to make that happen. So its my sincere plea to you, that stop feeling that she is a narcissist. Because if you do, it is only going to worsen things.
Family bonds are very sacred. There are definitely a lot of difference of opinions within the family members. But trust, is the factor that can bind each one of them. When you are dealing with Hierarchy, your logic doesn't work. If you really want to explain her things, you need to first start respecting her the way she is. You can't expect her to listen advice from a teenage girl, no offence to you. But this is the fact.
So, how much ever drama she has created in this weeding Mia, is because of an ego issue. She is on the offensive and will kill anyone who tries to preach her or intimidate her. It is your choice if you want to resolve this and everyone lives happily OR fight it out until one of you survives.
A good start to resolving this problem is to actually make small attempts to make her feel comfortable. The more you react to her actions, the more she is going to move away from everyone of you. And honestly Mia, its not worth it. Its worth listening a few angry words from her than loosing her completely. Its not going to over turn in a nights time, but have patience. You take a few good steps forward and she will follow.